The new England captain in profile

This is the face of the new England one-day captain. He’s the one that looks like a sports physiotherapist. Let us analyse the image of Paul Collingwood.

The first thing you will notice about Collingwood is that he looks alarmingly like my dad. The first give away is the skin. It has two colours: white and red. Notice its total inability to deal with sweltering temperatures above 10 degrees. When it’s warm, his entire body turns bright red. When it’s a moderate, it returns to it’s usual Durham pale.

Despite this, he always complains about the cold. And how he wished he lived in a really hot country, like Denmark or Luxembourg. There’s just no winning with these people.







The next similarity is the hair. Like an orange flame, it gives him super-human powers. He achieves things that you would think are beyond a man of his age. I’ve chucked in a picture of my dad playing football here to show you the uncanny similarity.




Of course, sometimes they can over-estimate their ability. Here’s Collingwood flat-out after running into a lamp-post. It’s a familiar sight to The Atheist’s Christmas celebrations. Happy days.







Lastly, the most striking thing you will notice about the newly-appointed England captain is that he doesn’t look anything like this man. Which, I think, is a major weakness in any leader.



Here’s another shot from The Atheist’s last Christmas. We might have got the “beached whale” section of charades. Either that or the Queen’s Speech is on.

When I played twenty20

The last Twenty20 match I saw right through, I actually participated in it.

I was 13 playing for Twickenham under-13s, against the mighty Teddington. I felt fortunate to witness such an occasion. It was one of those rare moments when a century was scored. James Keighley, a frequent nemesis of the pisspoor Twickenham bowling attack, played a dominant knock.

All of our dibbly-bobblers were rudely dismissed. Even the honest leg-spin of your author was routinely dispatched to the trees on the far side of Twickenham Green. Keighley and his twelve brothers ran the Middlesex boy’s league like a Russian protection racket. Sure there were other good players, but they were like small-town pimps compared to the cricketing larceny organised by the Teddington syndicate.

I almost got one of them out once. A googly down the leg side, followed by a swipe, a nick and a drop. Even then, I realised the history of the moment: I could have told my grand-children about my unplayable delivery to the Little Master. I prayed that Keighley became a drunk, like the plentiful down-and-outs wondering Bushy Park.

Sadly, it seems as though Keighley has become an Australian and changed his name to Cameron White. Forgetting all his bitter memories of his lucky escape against Twickenham, he has continued to plunder runs from all his unfortunate opposition.

In his 16 twenty20 matches, he has scored 660 runs, with an average of 60 and with an extraordinary strike rate of 174. He holds the record for the highest ever twenty20 score of 141*.I feel I played a crucial part in his development. Every ball appears to him like a dodgy spinner from Twickenham and the threat must be expunged with the utmost force. So he batters the hell out of it before the wicket keeper can even say “bugger, not again”.

Since these early days, I started playing the statelier format of 25 overs. Keighley has not grown up. I’d like to think that I have moved on from such things. I am an adult. I appreciate the art of a forward defensive. That is the advantage of longer formats: variety and unpredictability. Attrition as well as expansion.

However, you don’t have the balance between attack and defence in twenty20. There is simply a battle between two extremes: the hyper-offensive batting, and the terrified bowling. There is no finesse and not much in the way of strategy. It is, if we are all being honest with ourselves, a shameless commercial exercise to entice more people to come to buy a ticket. The razzmatazz, the swinging, the cheering is all central to the format, whereas cricket is merely secondary.

The oxymoronic feature of twenty20 is that it is, in fact, incredibly boring. There are no thrills, no unexpected turns of fortune. You know exactly what the batsman is going to do, and if he succeeds in realising his intention enough times his side will win. There are two possible outcomes to every ball: he swings and hits (cue annoying music) or he swings and misses (cue even more annoying music).

But shot-making, at that tempo, is more about luck than anything else. Yes, there is “calculated risks” and clean hitting. But, that’s it. Yes, you can mess about with the field, but the game isn’t about the fielding time; the bowling is irrelevant. It’s simply a throw of the dice to see whether the batting team is lucky today.

If they are, they win. If not, they lose. You may as well make roulette a spectator sport. Frankly, it’s more fun watching Twickenham’s worst on a Tuesday afternoon.

Gayle blows through the West Indies

Some of you may think that’s a good headline. Don’t delude yourself. You and the headline are pants and poorly thought out.

Chris Gayle the good but-is-he-really-that-good-? West Indian opener has decided to make post-match cocktails that much icier by laying into the WICB. On a real, live, published blog, he says:

“First and foremost I am very disappointed with the West Indian cricket board
(WICB) for not having the guys here in England already and ready to play”

Consequently, the Windies are “struggling to find 11 players to turn out”. Remember, in Sportsman-speak “disappointed” means “livid like a cuckolded ape-thing”.

Not being a Windies fan, I find it rather hilarious that, forgetting that they have another series to fight, they injure half their players and send home the rest, selecting people they find in the street with a vaguely Caribbean background.

If I were, say, Jamaican (would that it was) I would probably do a Mark Vermeulen, and burn down the WICB building. Then again, I’d burn down most buildings if I had half the chance.

Not only are ex-pros openly attacking the West Indies team, but so are its current players. All pretexts of collective responsibility have melted away, with fingers pointing in all directions, leaving, what we call in Twickenham, a shambles.

What the West Indies need is Alan Sugar to sort them out. Oh wait, he does bugger all except criticise people, whilst he companies go down the tubes. Alan Sugar: You’re rubbish!

ECB spills the sour beans

I have been trying to squeeze information out of a faceless ECB bureaucrat over the last few months. Partly about the captaincy situation, but chiefly to badger them to accept the logic of the Matthew Hoggard for Captain campaign.

At the announcement of the ODI vacancy, I naturally upped the ante and insisted on Hoggy’s promotion. I hoped you played your part, too. The response was not good. Sadly, I can officially provide an off-the-record leak and announce that Matthew Hoggard will not be the next England one-day captain.

This is a bitter blow to all those who believe in truth and justice. Therefore, in the best tradition of shamelessly abusing your position of trust, I will publish the entire email correspondence between myself and the ECB lackey. Like most of humanity, I doubt the faceless bureaucrat reads my blog, so I shan’t be at risk of being sued. You might, though, for reading it.

Me: Dear ECB,

Please could you appoint Matthew Hoggard as England's next captain. I think he's really good, and like his hair. I also think he's good at bowling.

Kind regards,

The Atheist

P.S. Would it also be possible if you could make Monty Panesar captain, too?

He: Dear The Atheist,

Hmm, don't think we can make everyone captain. Sure Matthew would appreciate the compliment though!

Kind regards,

Faceless Bureaucrat

Me: Oh yes. I didn't think about that. Well. How about making Matthew Hoggard captain on some days, and Monty Panesar captain on others. Like they do in the army. Hope this helps.

He: Think we might stick with one, hopefully fit, captain for the duration!

Me: OK - But will you promise, when this one falls over his slippers, you will make Matthew Hoggard captain?

He: not my decision, which everyone will be glad to hear! enjoy the summer's cricket

Me: OK. Who do I need to contact to secure this promise?

He: Sorry, The Atheist. no-one is going to promise you that we're going to make Matthew Hoggard captain, or anyone else. Michael Vaughan is England captain. Andrew Strauss is captain for this Test, and Michael will hopefully return next week.

Me: So, you are saying I need to make a case somewhere? That makes sense. I'm a tax-payer, and my taxes go into the England team, so I should have a say in it. That's democracy: no taxation without representation. Who should I talk to state my case? Or should I present a petition?

He: to resolve this one finally; it's a decision taken by the England Selectors, appointed by the ECB Board to select the England team. It's not a democratic decision at all

Some time passes here. I try to use lying to get my way.

Me: Seeing as Hoggard is fit again, will you appoint him as captain? I heard that Vaughan has a tummy bug.

He: Hello. No. Michael Vaughan is captain for the foreseeable future

A little later, Vaughan announces his stepping down from the ODI captaincy. My big chance to make the case for Hoggy. Clearly is it is water-tight.

Me: Now the time is ripe. The moment is here. Surely, the ECB must appoint their most experienced campaigner to the newly available captaincy? Surely, now is the time for Matthew Hoggard?

I have thought long and hard about this. There is no possible reason you could give me that would convince me that Hoggy is not the man for the job. He is a perfect candidate; it makes your life easier; and his leadership will win you lots of games. Even the World Cup. You are lucky that this is going to be a simple decision. There's no contest.

I would be willing to give you advice on a permanent consultancy basis, if would prefer to have my expertise on tap? I could be like Allan Donald. Only cheaper. And better.

He: Thanks for the offer. Think we'll stick with Allan Donald for bowling consultancy for now! New ODI skipper and squad will be announced on Friday morning on the site

Me: Great. So, can you confirm Hoggy's promotion? I promise not to leak it. It'll just be our little secret.

He: Think you may be disappointed on that front.

What a blow! A Sad day. A sad day for us all.

The moment is ripe

It seems as though Kevin Pietersen and Paul Collingwood are now vying for the captain’s spot, now that Michael Vaughan has kicked the limited-overs bucket.

I think most people would agree that KP is probably the better long term prospect, but Colly perhaps would be more amenable to sharing the role with Vaughan.

I think most people are wrong. Now is the time for great men to stand up. To stand up and be counted. To stand up and to sit down again.

Now is the time for Matthew Hoggard.

I have long championed his cause. Yes, he’s not in the ODI side. But he should be. And he should captain it.

So, to further my campaign, I will be calling you to implore the ECB to heed the pleas of the masses. Please send the following email to the ECB, at this address:

Dear ECB,

I think Matthew Hoggard is great. Not only I think this, but many other sensible people, too. I am told that Hoggard is one of the most experienced players in the England team. This means that he would be great at being captain. Like Mike Brearley, or Bobby Moore.

Now that Michael Vaughan has resigned the one-day role, now is the time to entrust the Hogster with his right. HOGGY FOR CAPTAIN!

Kind regards,

Adoring Fan

Michael Vaughan jumps before he was pushed

The England team are becoming ever more sophisticated in their management of the press. In politics, before you announce a policy-change or a Big Move, you must “prepare the ground”. That is, leaking the story to the media, spreading rumours etc. to allow people to get used to the idea.

Yesterday morning, Graham Gooch published an article on the BBC website, calling for Vaughan’s resignation in ODIs and for Paul Collingwood to take over.

Later on, the gimp-like commentator on the “live update” section mentioned something about Vaughan’s impending resignation. I had my doubts, but I was used to the idea by the time it was finally announced in the evening.

I’m not sure that announcing a major decision in the middle of a test match was great timing, but their professionalism is improving.

I continue my opposition to this whole “dual-captaincy” business. It undermines the authority of the captain. It inhibits their creativity and limits their scope of action in man-management.

Every time it has been implemented, it has been in the context of a transition: from Hussein to Vaughan; from Taylor to Waugh; from Waugh to Ponting. The take-over period between Hussein and Vaughan was three months. Two captains is unsustainable. The problem is: who will replace Vaughan?

Andrew Strauss appears to be falling apart; Flintoff is utterly discredited; Collingwood is untried as a captain; Kevin Pietersen seems unhappy about the prospect. We have no idea where we are going or what we are doing.

To be honest, I think that Vaughan’s one-day batting was subject to the lunacy of the “go-slow” tactic, and seemed to improve when he cut lose. Moreover, he seems to be going because everyone is criticising him, with considering the consequences of destabilising the side further and without reference to any long-term plan. It’s a rubbish idea.

Ah well. No one listens to me.

London man back in town

Sorry. Sorry. I have been away.

Only yesterday, I was coughing and spluttering out the ghastly clean air of the country-side. I was in a remote cottage, with no access to life-giving cricket. Just me, the sheep and that bloody fresh air. Occasionally, a Range Rover would pass. I’d leap out of the house to inhale as much exhaust fumes as possible in the car’s wake.

It feels good to be back in London.

Fortunately, it seems as though I haven’t missed much. Shivnarine Chanderpaul is rapidly approaching deity-status, by scoring another century. One more and I think he’ll bump Alastair Cook off his spot.

Interestingly, Andrew Strauss remembered how to bat, by scoring 72 when all about him were losing their heads. A lot of people have been arguing that he should be dropped, on the rather dubious grounds of “getting back his form” on the county circuit. People that say this deserve a Chinese Burn.

Firstly, Strauss is in form. He scored a century the last LVCC match he played for Middlesex. Secondly, it’s exactly this sort of “in-out” attitude to player selection that caused England to squander its talents in the 1990s. Stick with him. He’s going to be the next captain. Let him ride out the difficulties at the highest level. He’ll be even more brilliant at the end of it. Promise.

In other news, Ryan Hairybottom captured five wickets. He may even be pushing Monty for the most wickets at the moment. I don’t know. I can’t really be bothered to look up those sorts of things.

I’m a busy Londoner.

India's squad to England

Here’s a nice picture of sunny Headingley my roving reporter sent me. Nice, isn’t it?

Anyway, did you see the news about Virender Sehwag and Harbhajan Singh? They have been left out of India’s summer tour to England.

This is rather unfortunate for Sehwag, as he had a reasonable Afro-Asia Cup, hitting a 30-ball fifty. He also looked liked he was easing back into form, he got some runs against someone I can’t remember recently, and hit a World Cup century. Seems odd, therefore, that our Virender can represent his continent but not his country.

This is because the BCCI's frustration with his unfulfilled potential. He had a rotten series in South Africa, scoring 89 from six innings. And before that World Cup ton, he last got into triple figures in 2005 in an ODI. May this is the end for the old war horse? It seems sad, but, knowing Indian administration, he’ll be in and out of the side for a few years yet.

Dropping Harbhajan Singh is a bit more of a straight-forward cock-up. In the last test match he played, he managed a five-for, and another one in the test before that. In the Afro-Asia series, he took four wickets in his two matches, at 25 a piece. He is a quality player and England are rubbish at playing him.

Weirdly, Ramesh Powar has been given the nod. He too is an off-spinner. Only he’s old and not very good. Even young Piyush Chawla was left out.

All these things annoy me.

Africa lose

Usually, the Africa vs. Asia series consists of good Asian players versus South Africa plus Steve Tikolo and a few token Zimbabweans. The latest batch of games rather felt like Shaun Pollock vs. Asia.

With 223 runs in his three games, he was the highest run scoring of either team. He nearly won a match single-handed, with a brilliant 130 at Bangalore, taking African to the very edge of victory in an impossible run chase.

But with the likes of Sanath Jayasuriya, Sourav Ganguly and Mohammad Yousuf coming in, the Africans were always going to struggle. With a pool of four test nations to select, compared to Africa’s one, it didn’t really seem fair.

The organisers should have tipped the balance by giving the Africans performance-enhancing drugs. Or maybe bigger bats? Although, judging by his deeds, it looks like Pollock was on something.

It would be interesting to see other continental matches: Europe vs. Australasia. We could assemble all the best players from Scotland and Holland. Mighty players like Mark Jonkman. Good ol’ Jonkers.

Actually forget I said that. Rubbish idea.

Test match cricket is great

What a high-quality end to a game that has been a little frail around the edges.

Viv Richards thought the second day’s play was the worst he’d ever seen in test match cricket. But the enthralling developments towards in the second innings produced an absolute cracker.

In fairness, this was mainly due to England’s wayward bowling. Although Steve Harmison seems to be pulling himself together, only Monty Panesar looked like finishing the Windies off. However, the boys in red took the fight to England, and really knuckled down.

Unfortunately, their bowling didn’t reflect this toughness. They leaked 77 extras in England’s innings, and gave away lord knows how many runs in misfields. Coupled with the numerous drop catches and dodgy umpiring decisions, this game could have been a lot closer.

Secretly, I wanted them to win. Shivnarine Chanderpaul’s typically gritty 116 not out off 257 was a splendid effort. If he had one more competent tailender then he could have taken his side home, and his innings would have been one of the all-time greats. Sadly, it was not to be.

Cricket has this great capacity for making heroes out of those who may not have the ability, but put their all into the moment. A stodgy, stubborn knock by a tail-ender could have been the decisive innings of the match. Test match cricket has the faculty of drawing out greatness from good players, and Chanderpaul excelled in this arena. Even Panesar filled his boots. A top quality match.

In other news, Aleem Dar had evidently been pondering the question I posed yesterday, by having a few words with Monty about his over-keen appealing. A fair comment and exactly the sort of way that the player-umpire relationship should be managed. You don’t really need this technology malarkey, or a Daryl Hair-like aggressive adhesion to the rules. Just a couple of blokes that can rub along well and enjoy the cricket.

West Indies recover some pride

The Windian batsman showed a lot of character, to end yesterday’s play on 301 for 5. Shivnarine Chanderpaul led the way with 81, with solid support from the middle order.

Everyone thought that Brian Lara was the West Indies’ best player. This may have been right. However, my favourite was always Chanderpaul. Mainly because everything about him is a bit weird. You watch him in the out-field; he’s not quite all there, is he?

His crabby batting stance and his barely co-ordinated movements exude incompetence. It’s a wonder he manages to hit the ball at all sometimes. But Chanders is a genius. A weird genius.

He works for his runs. He nurdles, nudges and weirds runs out of the bowling. What was most noticeable out of yesterday’s innings was his stunning ability to time the ball so well. Lara, with his high backlift, was all about power, over-awing the opposition. Chanderpaul quietly accumulates singles, and occasionally extends himself and sweetly timing stray deliveries to the boundary.

Just look at the shot in the picture. Getting well underneath the ball, he deliberately edges a sneaky single to fine leg. All without looking at the ball. That’s talent.

Regular readers may have noticed that I have a soft spot for the steady battlers, the boring batsman, but they will also know that I an affection for spinners. My champions excelled yesterday.

Monty Panesar once again betrayed the one-dimensional nature of England’s attack. With Steve Harmison still inconsistent, the refusal of the ball to swing for Ryan Sidebottom and Liam Plunkett’s amateurism, I would rather fancy the Windies’ chances of chasing down the 400.

Monty, however, generated his own pressure, and constantly threatened the batsman with spin and bounce. However, I rather think his enthusiasm got the better of him at some points, putting the umpire under a lot of pressure.

English fans used to oppose this rather vulgar element to the game that originated overseas. It’s as if you actually want to win, which is, of course, a base objective. Now the intimidation of the umpire is creeping into the English game, I think that the ECB should try to nip it in the bud. Maybe limit appeals to two an over – but even this seems a lot. Tricky one, that.

I’ll try and think of an answer. If I do, you’ll be the first to know.

West Indies try to recover some pride

With 450+ runs to get, another overseas defeat is certain for the West Indies. However, by posting 300-odd, they can regain some lost self-respect and put to bed these distracting administrative issues. With the Board messing about with the captaincy issue, they are not doing a destabilised and troubled side any favours. Adding another captain to the situation would only make matters worse.

In other news, Steve Harmison is bowling well. He bowled an entire over without conceding a wide. Heck! He even managed a wicket-maiden! With the appointment of Allan Donald, and the inclusion of Ben Harmison’s brother (Steve’s brother) as twelfth man, the Durham paceman seems to be responding well to the latest molly-coddling.

Apparently, he has had some technical changes to his action: adjusting his acceleration through the crease and giving himself more space during the delivery. I doubt whether these are actually genuine changes, but the alterations can aid the mental side. A reconstituted action appears to be assisting Harmison recapture his lost confidence.

I stick by my original comments for calling for his head. I’d still give him the rest of the summer. But I’m not sure whether the England cricket should focus its resources on “encouraging” a fragile Harmison. Undoubtedly an international sport attracts prima doners, delicates and eccentrics, but the question is how much time should we invest into these special cases? And are they worth the effort?

For sure, Harmison has the potential and occasionally looks dangerous, but so did Mark Ramprakash. When do you say that enough is enough?

Alastair Cook: Officially God

This man is amazing. So amazing, he must be a deity.

I have therefore declared young Cooky a God. You may worship him by turning your childhood cricket bat into a shrine to the Essexshire opener. Offerings of tea and cream cakes are advised.

Today he hit another hundred. Not a huge one, a mere 106, but his consistency is reaching Mark Ramprakash proportions. Although, it is against the Windies. They're a bit like the cricketing version of Bangladesh.

Saying that, they’re a versatile bunch. The keeper, Ramdin, is injured, and Dwayne Bravo, of all people, has filled in. Sir Viv reckons he’s the talisman of the side. Jonathan Agnew thinks that he must be exhausting to go out with.

I think that would be an accurate description of me. But usually because I’m hard work to talk to and would rather be in bed. I’d rather be in bed now. But instead, I’m increasing the word’s supply of tyops.

That’s the sort of talisman I am.

West Indies bowl moderately better

Whenever England go out to get, I have this feeling that Paul “Colly” Collingwood is a game away from being dropped. Somehow, he stays in. That’s the magic of Collingwood: the Adhesive Ginger. But yesterday he, and the rest of the middle order, became unstuck.

Ian “Belly” Bell did well to rescue the side from a potentially disastrous collapse. He was still there at the end of the day’s play, with 77. He put on 98 for the fifth wicket with Matt “Priory” Prior, the skinhead wicket keeper contributing 40.

There’s something of the flat-track bully about Prior. Most county attacks have more venom than these Windies, and the South African born Sussex man with two legs has taken every opportunity to strike. It will be interesting to see how well he does against sides with quality attacks, like Glamorgan.

His downfall may have been his partner’s fault. In a period of studied strike-farming, Prior faced only six balls in the seven preceding overs prior to his demise. After scoring a four, he attempted a daft shot and was caught in the deep. Was this because of self-inflicted pressure? Did Bello not rotate the strike? No one cares. All we want to see is another Belly century at number six.

Do I have anything else to say? No.

Nothing else.

Day one, Old Knackered: No streakers yet

So busy, was I, complaining about the weather and being bitter I forgot there was a test match on. Speculatively firing up the computer, to have a quiet browse of the cricket sites, I was bowled over by news of Alastair Cook's half century.

I didn't see that coming. It's troubling times when international cricket does not consume your life.

The next England captain, Andrew Strauss, is beginning to cause real worries for the future, by failing to score again. If Straussy loses form, who will take over from Michael Vaughan now? It must be Hoggy.

The most interesting aspect of this game so far is the inclusion of Fidel Edwards and throwing of a cap Darren Sammy’s way.

What you need to know is this: Edwards is fast, but a bit of a Harmison. Sammy is apparently a swing bowler, but is much like all the other blokes that failed previously, so much like a slower Harmison.

This may, or may not, be interesting.

Anyway, I’m going to stop writing now. The ill must not be made to suffer unless any of their lazy readers send in some cash. But they never do. Those lazy bastards.

Harmsprakash

Steve Harmison and Mark Ramprakash are like gods on the county circuit. This season, Ramps is already averaging over a hundred, on top of the 2’000 runs he scored last year. Harmison has nearly 500 first-class wickets, and frightens the pants off most county sides.

Yet, despite these men’s colossal status at the domestic level, they have failed to realise this ability in the international arena. Both men also have amazing dancing abilities.

The general consensus for Ramprakash’s international failure is his mental frailties, but also the management’s inconsistency in picking him. He was regularly in and out of the England side throughout the ‘90s, despite some fine performances. However, the “in-out” policy was well-set for the ECB at this point, it was for the players to force their way into the national side and to keep their place. Ramps was unable to secure his place.

Harmison’s career has developed in a different environment. The selector’s revolving door has been replaced by a long-term commitment to improve players, giving them a fair run over a number of series. (More or less.) Consequently, Harmison has remained in the side, despite his obvious failings.

The treatment of these two players is obviously very different. Yet the outcome is the same. The fault, therefore, is not with the ECB, but it lies elsewhere.

Moving individual responsibility aside, the next candidate for blame seems to be the county system itself. It has managed to identify and enhance the skills of two fine players. But it has not mentally prepared them for the rigours of international cricket. So I point the finger at the counties. Which is actually quite hard using only one finger.

By way of counter-example, one could highlight people like Paul Collingwood, a product of the county system, who has succeeded because he can rely on immense mental toughness. But it is interesting to note the Collingwood refined his abilities in Australian Grade Cricket.

Indeed, looking at Australian cricket in general, at all levels we see an intensity to the game, but most importantly, we see mental strength ingrained into players at State level. Conversely, if you watch a county match, you’ll wander about a pleasant ground, chatting to the bloke at fine leg. There is a completely different character to the game. It's nice - not tough.

This is not necessary because Australians are naturally unpleasant people – although this is a strong explanation. The mental aspect of the game can be enhanced, through re-designing of the county game, correct deployment of incentives, etc. But all these changes requires deep, structural reforms, not the technical, meaningless tweaks suggested by the Schofield Report. This serious failing of the county system needs to be addressed.

Flintoff: over-rated as a bowler?

There's an interesting article in this week’s Sunday Times, by Simon Wilde. I have only just red it because I’m ill, and still moping about at home in a dressing gown. You read much more slowly when wearing a dressing gown.

It analyses the over-all impact of England’s five-bowler strategy, compared to a four-bowler attack. Intriguingly, we have lost only lost 30% of our games when fielding four bowlers, whereas when we play five, we lose 34% of the time. What Wilde doesn’t say, however, is that the all-rounder results in a 43% victory rate, whereas four bowlers give the same percentage. So Flintoff doesn’t win us any more games, but we lose more when playing him.

Putting my statistician's hat on, and considering the sample size (the 110 tests since Flintoff’s debut) I doubt whether these findings are statistically significant. But what the cool blue numbers show is that Flintoff has a minimal impact on the game over the long term. Sure, a brilliant spell or innings can swing a session in England’s favour, but in terms of a consistent success for his team his influence is hard to detect.

There is something innately impressive about an all-rounder – doing two things at international level is amazing. Naturally, we expect less of an all-rounder: lower averages are the norm, because they make two contributions. They also give depth to the bowling. But is this, in itself, sufficient?

Looking at Flintoff’s record isn’t exactly inspiring. Omar shows that, except for one purple patch, he has rarely averaged over 30 in tests. Here’s a table outlining his bowling in test matches.

Flintoff’s bowling

Year	Mat	O	R	W	BBI	BBM	Ave	Econ	SR	5
1998	2	35	112	1	1/52	1/68	112	3.2	210	0
1999	3	62.5	174	5	2/31	3/55	34.80	2.76	75.4	0
2000	4	40	99	1	1/48	1/48	99	2.47	240	0
2001	3	92	189	6	4/50	4/50	31.50	2.05	92	0
2002	9	312	982	20	3/49	6/157	49.10	3.14	93.6	0
2003	8	279	813	19	3/42	4/74	42.78	2.91	88.1	0
2004	13	369.4	1108	43	5/58	7/78	25.79	2.99	51.5	1
2005	14	532.2	1660	68	5/78	8/156	24.41	3.11	46.9	1
2006	10	353.5	1115	33	4/96	4/76	4/78	33.78	64.3	0
2007	1	17	56	1	1/56	1/56	56	3.29	102	0

Again, apart from a single period 2004 and 2005, his average has never been below 33. He has never taken more than eight wickets in a match. Interestingly, he has only achieved two five-fers, both during the 2004/5 purple patch. Since this period, his statistical form has tailed off.

Undoubtedly, he was a class player, but it remains to be seen how potent he is nowadays. It seems to be a universally accepted fact that his batting has been below par. Now, with a new series of operations and serious question marks in the rest of the attack, we must seriously examine Flintoff’s impact on the game.

Tanzania: Pimephales promelas of the cricketing world

Uganda won the final of the World Cricket League Division Three final, beating Argentina by 91 runs. This was the expected outcome, however, it must be noted that Argentina did exceptionally well to reach the final.

The South American country was only brought in at the eleventh hour, after the administrative mess that is the various American cricket boards saw the US expunged from the League.

The fractious and chaotic nature of US cricket administration reminds me of the American communists. The 1920s saw the emergence of about twenty various socialist parties, and Russians eventually gave up hope, pulling out funding. American can’t organise cricket, or communism. Coincidence?

Anyway, Argentina, which is also bizarrely good at rugby, put in a solid performance. Their captain, Esteban MacDermott, was awarded the player of the tournament.

It wasn’t all good news, though. Sadly, Tanzania were thrashed in the play-offs, losing to Hong Kong by 129 and coming in sixth. I really like Tanzania. I used to live there and think that it’s “cool”. In comparison to non-cricket playing nations I’d say it’s cooler than Dubai, but not as cool as Belgium. Belgium, now there’s a place: Chocolate; beer; sausages – it’s a utopia.

I like these little teams. They’re like little village players, but given the status of international stars. They’re not even minnows. I’ll have to think of a new name for them. They’re like the tiny parasites that live off minnows. A quick scan of the internet has produced Pimephales promelas, which burrows into the brains of fat-head minnows. This seems like a reasonable approximation of Italy’s relationship to England. I think for short we’ll call them “Pimmies”.

Go on you Pimmies!

Flintoff: not perfect?

Recent Ayalac surveillance footage has uncovered some disturbing evidence. Seeing the rising tide of my “Matthew Hoggard for Captain” Campaign, it seems as though Andrew Flintoff has jealousy struck out against the Hogster.

Clearly, such was the force of this impact, that it rippled into Hoggy’s great groin. Matthew Hoggard may miss the next test match, such are the injuries.

First, I was unsure about Flintoff. Now I think I officially am leaning towards not worshipping as much as I do the other England players. I even beginning to look at Flintoff’s recent records with some suspicion: we all acknowledge his batting isn’t great, but I’m started do doubt his bowling.

Am I becoming a monster?

Best put that thought to the back of the mind and rally under the HOOGGY FOR CAPTAIN flag.

Australian tries to be clever (and fails)

Well, I’m back. Cyberlife is worth living again. This is also my 100th post. Hoorah. No really, I mean it. Hoorah.

Anyway catch the crazy antics in Lords? Justin Langer displayed innovative captaincy by declaring the lowest total in Championship history (apparently).

After ducks galore, Langer decided it to call it a day at 50-8. The reason behind this apparently suicidal decision was to deny Middlesex the additional bowling point. The ECB website can clarify the bonus point situation:

“A maximum of three bowling points is available for three to five wickets taken by the bowling side (1 point), 6 to 8 wickets (2 points), 9 to 10 wickets taken (3 points).”

So, Middlesex were denied the third point. However, a 97 first wicket partnership quickly assured that Middlesex captured two batting points. More importantly, Somerset did not receive any points from their move, and decreased their hopes in the game. Was this stupid?

Brian Rose, who once declared Somerset after one over in the old Benson and Hedges Cup whilst he captained the side, said:

"It was quite a brave decision that Justin took. He wanted to get the best of the conditions and frankly we had been struggling to put bat on ball. He thought he should give his bowlers a chance to put Middlesex under the same pressure. If we'd scratched around for another 15 to 20 runs it would have made next to no difference to the match."

Perhaps this is true. But the Somerset batsman are struggling to play out time now, and would dearly love to have the two extra wickets they forfeited in the first innings.

The legal structure of cricket matches is always open to abuse. But one hopes that the spirit of the game is sufficiently strong to discourage captains from abusing loop-holes.

Generally, the bonus point system works well, and promotes aggressive cricket. Some cricketers are satisfied with their lot in life, and like to play at being lawyers. But no one likes lawyers.

No one.

No one likes Australians, either. So perhaps dealing with hatred some naturally to some?

Windies, and crowd, battered

The biggest defeat in West Indies’ fine history. England win by an innings and 283 runs. The Windies played some appalling cricket. The bowling was Harminson-like, and the batting lacked purpose, common sense and method of combating a swinging ball.

I first thought the Windies were doing a New Zealand, but their slide is reaching Zimbabwe proportions... or gradients. That's how you measure slopes, right?

Admittedly, a lot of the loss is due to losing key players: Shiv Chanderpaul and Ramnaresh Sarwan. Yet, it would have taken substantial contributions by both these men to have stemmed the tide. This is distressing for people who like cricket and like the Windies especially. I really hope they work out how to play again.

Noticing my lack of posts recently, I sent a reporter to Headingley to provide in depth analysis from the boundary. Here are some of his wires. (I warn you, they are in “text message” so half of it is unintelligible, the other half seems to be garbled by drink, so try and make the most of it).

Report one: 1:41pm
We are holding out hope… Missed the morning session, but was only a few overs. Moisture in the air, men in nuns outfits, it’s Headingley for sure!

Evidentially, a sufficient quantity of Tetley’s affects your orienteering skills. Seems like it took him a while to work out where exactly he was. Not a promising start.

Report two: 2:24pm
And another. And it’s raining. No, hailing.

I assume he’s still in Headingley. I wasn't convinced of his initial claims. We’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Not much in-depth analysis yet. Maybe he's saving it up for later?

Report three: 2:41pm
I think the lack of play means the crowd are even more drunk than usual! Mexican wave was actually successful. Hoping for more play and for west indies to put up a bit of a fight!

Sub-editors are supposed to remove the mistake, or stick a sarcy (sic) after everything. I however prefer to give the truth to the people as is. This is more "colourful descriptions of the ground in order to build a sense of atmosphere” as opposed to a technical study of Dwayne Bravo’s leg glance. But I’m sure that’ll come later.

Report four: 3:06pm
Well, the western terrace is nearly full but everywhere else is empty. I guess only the drunkards have braved the rain. And they really are drunk…

When was the last time someone used the phrase “drunkard”? Lord Denning in Court 4, crica 1952? And, most surprisingly, they actually are drunk! And the agency said he was alright…

Report five: 4:53pm
We only had time for 3 pints! A short and sweet day of cricket, good fun would have liked to see more action.

There are some other items filed, but the drink seems to have taken hold. They also become quite misogynistic , so I can't share them with you. I’ll have to strike that journo off the list. He wasn't cheap, either. Bloody agency.

Anyway, that's it for today. I’ll be quiet over the next few days. Please don’t get angry.

West Indies are the new New Zealand

West Indies and fast bowling used to go together like chips and beer. Devastating when indulged in to excess. The combination is now comparable to chips and Gillian McKeith – liable to result in a ruptured mid-wicket.

Sorry about the absence; I have been away recently. That hasn’t stopped the sarcy comments coming in, however.

First of all, is this the first test match in England to start on a Friday? Does no one feel this is a little, you know, foreign? Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for foreign things. Heck, I went to the Chinese last night. I’m just not at all keen on the strange, foreign ideas affecting our little institutions.

But foreignness builds bad karma, do ju-ju, or something. Saying things like “centimetres” instead of “inches” cumulates your death-gauge reading on the karma count. Once it gets too high… well, who knows? This test match starting on a Friday business could result in some kind of karmic explosion. I wouldn’t like to be near the ECB right now.

Anyway, on to cricket. Kevin Pietersen should get a double hundred. Just like the Robert Keys and Paul Collingwoods of many years ago. KP has wanted this for ages. But he’s just been too impatient to get it. Now that the pacing of test match innings has been mastered, huge scores are open to him. Which is nice.

So, all the West Indies bowlers are rubbish. Much like the traditional Kiwi method of attack, the Windies put forward a couple of dibbly-dobblers and hope for the best.

This strategy never works.

Apart from a late spell by Corry Collymore last night, where he extracted some swing and two English batsman, the West Indian bowling was an open cheque to Vaughan and all the rest. Very poor stuff.

The Warid Series

This series wasn’t as rubbish as I thought it would be. Although Sri Lanka, and the crowds, undoubtedly missed their superstars (Murali, Chaminda Vaas and Kumar Sangakkara were all in England), both sides put on an entertaining performance.

Arguably, the series was one more-or-less single-handedly by Shahid “mad as a hatter” Afridi. In the first match, he crunched 73 off 34 to save Pakistan from certain defeat. This was followed by 3-37 off ten in the next game, helping skittle the Lions for 212. Somehow, he seems to hang on in the side.

The most intriguing element of this series was the emergence of the young’uns. Shoaib Malik seemed controlled and able as a captain. Playing a responsible 79 against all the odds. I told you he'd be good.

After ignoring my previous tips for World Cup greatness, the PCB decided to finally let Mohammad Hafeez have a bash. He lived up to my high expectations: scoring 34, and bowling 2-55 off ten. He’ll be the next Jayasuriya I tells ya.

For Sri Lanka, Chamara Kapugedera looked a bit, you know, crap. There’s now another Jayawardene but we won’t worry about him; he’s on his way out too. Malinda Warnapura also looked liked cricket’s incarnation of Atari – looks technical enough, but a rubbish once you start using it.

The Lankans attack also struggled with only Malinga.

When you write things like that, you wonder in the point of series like these. Don’t you? Or don’t you? Maybe you don’t care enough to continue reading.

Oh wait. You do.

Harminson: time to go?

England’s bowling, the Montster aside, looked ineffectual over this game. Fast bowling is a serious problem for us. Seam was once a huge strength for England; it is the cornerstone of the English game. During 2005, we had three players capable of bowling at over 90 mph. Now we don’t seem to have any.

The Third Umpire reckons that Paul Collingwood was our best seam bowler. Indeed, I doubt any of the current fit bowlers would get into Australia or South Africa. Perhaps only Bangladesh would play them?

This is almost a crisis for England.

Henry Blofeld was unusually opinionated on TMS last night and argued that dropping Steve Harminson was the “kick up the backside” that he needed. All the “technical” faults, delivery flaws and niggles that were identified in Australia are still present. Either the man isn’t working hard enough on his game, or his doesn’t recognise that there is a problem. He therefore requires, thinks Blowers, a shock to the system to overcome his mental barriers.

I have some sympathy to this approach. Clearly, the current strategy of sycophantic cooing is not producing results. Huge wides and pacey long-hops are unforgivable crimes in Test Match Cricket. Cumulatively, they can lose matches, allowing the batsman to settle into a comfortable rhythm.

At 28, you rather feel that “potential” is not sufficient to hold a place in the international team. At the highest level of cricket, and with his experience, Harminson should be filling his boots. He is not. He is also taking up a place that could be used to invest in another player.

So, what alternative? Revert to the unimpressive trio of Anderson, Mahmood and Plunkett? They have been given plenty of chances, but have not delivered. How about skipping a generation? Calling up Graham Onions or Stuart Broad (when he’s fit)? How about returning to the past? Andrew Miller thinks that Andy Caddick or Darren Gough could be given a shot.

Whatever the solution, these are troubling times for English fast bowling. There is no bright prospect coming through: there’s no fiery Shaun Tait or Andre Nel character that could form the basis of a future attack.

This is why England have stuck with the expensively poor Harminson: he is the only fast bowling spark we have. This is a mistake, however, as retaining him in the side is doing neither him nor his country any good. I’m afraid I think he should go.

This doesn’t have to involve a permanent elimination from the side, but perhaps just a temporarily cold shoulder to move the onus back onto Harminson to earn his place.

Lords, Day Five: Be careful what you wish for

So after four days of solid praying for gloom and rain, the gods finally succumb and granted my wish. Sadly, the heavens pour on the fifth day – the only day I could go. A wash out, more or less, meaning no cricket for me. Buggered.

Damn ye gods!

I could write about other important cricketing events. All the sub-continental teams are playing today. India are doing well against Bangladesh. Pakistan handsomely beat Sri Lanka. Instead of talking about this, I shall write about girls.

I like girls. I like cricket. There are a number of parallels that are worth noting:

- Both are full of unfathomable rules and regulations.
- Both enjoy standing around the sun for five days doing nothing in particular.
- Both stop everything stops when there’s even a little bit of rain.
- Both pack in as many snacking opportunities as possible.

Girls and cricket. Both lovable in their own way.

Lords, day four: the hope lingers

Well well. A West Indian fight-back has increased my hopes of watching a few overs on Monday. A traditionally gritty half century by Shiv Chanderpaul, a blistering knock from Dwayne Bravo and a refined 60 from Denesh Ramdin ensured that the Windies were in a reasonable position to play for the draw.

The bowling from England was indifferent. Money Panesar, the favourite of the nation, carried the attack single-handedly by taking 4-108. What a star. Steve Harminson, after a decent enough morning session, fell apart after lunch. Wides galore.

How hard is it to pitch it in the right area? The Ayalac conducted a little test last night. With a toy-hedgehog, I practiced some away-cutters in my hall – or corridor of uncertainty, as it were. All the balls pitched in or around the door region. Right on the money.

I also practiced my Jonny Wilkinson drop-kicking. All but one hedgehog sailed gloriously over the posts (the door frame). Clearly I am a wasted talent.

Why can’t Harminson be as good as me? Why indeed.

Anyway, with Plunkers looking inoffensive and Hoggy out, it could be another long-day in the park for the England boys. I could be in Lord’s yet.

Viva la resistance!

Lords, day three: Hopes for wash-out fade

Well, it looks like the Predictoron’s knickers are increasingly twisted by the day. First Alastair Cook fluking a ton, now Paul Collingwood, Ian Bell and Matt Prior all have defied the mighty Predictoron. Worse still, my chances of going on Monday seem less likely.

I am a little troubled at how one-sided the remaining series is likely to be. The Windies had ideal conditions for bowling and they allowed England to amass 550 runs. A lot of this is due to poor fielding (Collingwood escaped two dollies) but the rump of the blame should be given to the bowlers. They lacked discipline. Moments of pressure were quickly deflated by an England batsman knocking a two off his pads. Hopeless.

Let’s not take anything away from the batting though. Solid, grafting work by Collingwood and Bell in the morning, built up a formidable platform to allow an afternoon attack by Prior. I thought Bell played a particularly fine knock: chanceless and well-paced.

Prior made a century on his test debut at Lords. He smacked them all over the place in a run-a-ball hundred.

At first, I wasn’t too pleased about this. I saw Prior in an interview, he seemed really defensive and came across as an unpleasant human being. He referred to himself in the third person “Matt Prior has to do what Matt Prior can” which is something I hate will all my intestines.

However, in a post-match interview, his nerves melted away and seemed more personable. His BNP/terrorist appearance and chirpy demeanour reminded me of my brother. And you can’t hate family, right? So Prior gets my conditional approval.

So far, the West Indies are 83-1 and it really doesn’t look good for the poor blighters.

Lords, day two: Praying for gloom

The forecast seems good, perhaps a light shower in the afternoon. It looks like the best the Ayalac can hope for is bad-light. It looked gloomy enough outside the station this morning, but then again, it's London.

Well, as was noted by Trapper John, the Predictoron made a balls-up of it already. The international season has just started, and we are way off any sense of reality here. I blame the cat.

Bloody cat.

Like all the boys, I like Alastair Cook, and respect his batting ability. Unlike the girls, I don’t really think he’s that attractive and, judging my last night’s TV performance, he seems to be a bit of an Essex muppet, too. He reminds me of the young builder’s mate that was doing some work in my house over the summer. He also smiles too much. I’m suspicious of people who smile. What’s he hiding, thinks I.

But, for me, Cook’s approach epitomises good, old-fashioned Test Match cricket. Like the Michael Athertons and Geoff Boycotts of yore, Cook grafts out a sensible innings, battling it out with bowlers. Yesterday, the young chappie from Essex was aided by poor bowling, but this tactic of tediously wearing down the opposition looks like a promising addition to England normal bloody “positive” tactics.

The bowlers looked rusty, and seemed to struggle with the slope. However, the West Indies’ control and command of swing improved mightily as the day wore on. Interestingly, they also seemed to bowl tighter lines to the right-handers: Owais Shah never looked comfortable; Corey Collymore outplayed Kevin Pietersen in a beautiful spell; and Paul Collingwood, as always, looks like he’s struggling to stay in.

It’s a shame that the Windies weren’t as well prepared, but it seems as England will find it tougher going on Day Two.

Nevertheless, I’m hoping for a full-on, action day of looking at the megatron.

Lords, day one: Praying for Rain

OK. I am in Camden. Lords is not fair away from me. In Camden it is raining, where as in Lords, it is going to be a “belter” and play is going to start on time. Weird.

Andrew Flintoff is out, which I am starting to think is a good thing for many and slightly alarming reasons.

Here’s hoping for some washed out days, maximising my chances of going along on Monday with the cheap tickets. Come on little bloglings, pray with me now.

Anyway, it’s time to get the ol’ Predictoron 2000 out, eh?

****************************** PROCESSING******************************

The start will be delayed by 42 minutes. When England eventually come out to bat, Andrew Strauss will give his wicket away in a hilarious fashion after only 13 balls. Owais Shah and Alastair Cook will dig in, notching up a slow partnership of over 50. Eventually, wickets then tumble with Cook (28), Kevin Pietersen (3) and Paul Collingwood (14) failing to make an impression. However, Ian Bell (52) and Shah (83) will put on a decent enough partnership. The tail, Matt Prior included, won’t put on much of a show. 257 all out.

The Windies will start disastrously, with Matthew Hoggard (5-42) and Steven Harminson (3-58) doing the damage. Liam Plunkett looks tight (2-47) and Monty Panesar won’t be needed. However, a stocky 95 from Ramnaresh Sarwan will hold the West Indies together. 231 all out.

The sun comes out for England’s second innings. With Strauss and Cook contributing with a solid effort, with both men hitting half-centuries. However, Dwayne Bravo (4-61) opens with a decent spell, taking the wickets of Strauss (52), Shah (3) and Jerome Taylor (3-56) picks up Cook (64) and Pietersen (2). KP will be caught by an exceptional catch by Denesh Ramdin down the leg-side. Eventually, England slump from 109-0 to 225 all out.

However, the Windies are never in the chase. And despite a gritty 44* from Shivnarine Chanderpaul they fall to 169 all out.

England win by 82 runs. (On the fifth day with Ayalac taking nice photographs)

********************************** END**********************************

Thoughts on the India and Bangladesh

The three-match series between India and Bangladesh was disappointing for two reasons. One, the last match was lost to rain. Two, Bangladesh rarely challenged Indian control. India won 2-0.

Aside from one scare, the Indians always looked in charge. Indeed, they felt sufficiently dominant to field some new players. Young Piyush Chawla was given his ODI debut.

This talented leg-spinner has already been given a test cap, and used the opportunity well to take the wicket of Andrew Flintoff. Confident and full of variety, Chawla was entrusted as first-change bowler in the second match, and returned the favour with figures of 3/37 off his ten overs. It turns out, he’s also a useful bat – averaging 24 in first-class cricket.

Normally, I’m not keen on spinners that can bat. But he’s young, a leggie, and can learn to be rubbish at batting in time. And therefore he gets the coveted Ayalac nod.

MS Dhoni was a bit of a revelation. In the first match, he played a sensible, match-winning 91. In the second, a sedate supporting role, hitting 36 off 54. He really has matured since I last saw him, and here was I thinking he was another Shahid Afridi. At 25, Dhoni may be planning a distinguished future as a wicketkeeper-batsman.

Lastly, I’m a bit disenchanted by the Tigers. They scored some runs – but no enough. They got some wickets – but failed to claim the crucial scalps. And there was little Bopping. Bangladesh definitely need some more character to their play if they want to promote out of minnow status.

Matthew Hoggard for captain

OK - my last post didn't really work out as planned. But this is the internet-land, and I can start again.

Matthew Hoggard should be captain. It is time for him to put his hand up, and accept his rightful responsibility. The campaign starts here.

I imagine that Hoggy is quite a modest bloke, who wouldn’t be seen dead as skipper. This is why we must force him.

Gather together as many bloggers as you can. Send the ECB emails proclaiming the heroism of the Hoggler. The media has pushed around the England team throughout the winter. And we can do it again now. Heed the call.

HOGGY FOR CAPTAIN!

[This campaign is only a stop-gap measure until Monty has a few more tests under his belt. When he is sufficiently experienced this campaign will automatically rename itself the MONTY FOR CAPTAIN CAMPAIGN. Thank you.]

Hoggard: England’s hidden big cat

Look at this man. He’s like a growling lion, resplendent in his mighty mane, ready to unleash his might at any moment.

“Ha.” Say the batsman, “he’s just a swing bowler.”
“Roar,” says Matthew Hoggard.
And the batsmen run away like girls. Like girls I tell you.

Much has been made of England’s future captain. Generally, teams either pick their best player, or their most experienced campaigner. England picked their best in Andrew Flintoff, but he turned out to be rubbish.

So, who’s our most experienced player? Unfortunately, it turns out to be Freddie again, with 67 Test caps. However, next in line is Hoggard, with 62 Tests.

Now, why isn’t Hoggy considered for the role? Well, mainly because he’s a bowler and he looks like a farm boy. But this is prejudice. Even I over-looked him.

I have previously lamented on cricket’s refusal to select bowlers as captains. There is no justification for this systematic neglect of plentiful source of knowledge. I reckon that Hoggard knows a thing or two about field placements. He knows about bowling. What more do you want your captain to do?

This rank prejudice is infuriating. It is about as annoying as my post-pub Star Trek experience last night. For some unfathomable reason, the entire crew of Voyager decide to visit nineteenth century Ireland. What the hell? You are in space! Can’t you go somewhere more interesting than a damp little island?

My mum is Irish. Most of my relatives are Irish, but none of them ever spoke like those in Star Trek Ireland. You could understand them for one. The streets were clean. The sun shone. The children weren’t impoverished little toe-rags. Had the aliens taken Ireland over? What was going on?

Star Trek really bothers me. It’s so human-centric. All the alien characters are derided because they don’t understand our ways. No, you idiots, they’re aliens; they are a different species. Spock cannot laugh because he is physiologically incapable of it. Just once, I’d like to see the tables turned. Just once I’d like to see an alien teach a human how to KA-BLANGIN, which involves the secretion of bodily fluids from the knees.

“Come on, puny earthling, hurry up and KA-BLANGIN.”
“I’m trying…”
“I will help you with my sword.”
“AAAAAIII!”
“Now you understand our ways.”

How did a sane post about Matthew Hoggard turn into a rant about Star Trek? Anyway,
Hoggy: Good.
Star Trek: Bad.

A four-man attack

So, Andrew Strauss has been appointed captain and Matt Prior is the new wicket-keeper. Moreover, Liam Plunkett has been selected over James Anderson and Saj Mahmood.

The only question left, as far as I can see is that time-old cricketing question: should we pick an extra batsman or an extra bowler?

There is talk regarding Andrew Flintoff’s poor form in the bat must entail some kind of demotion. Does that mean we select six specialised batsman, shift Andrew Flintoff down to seven, with Prior, Matthew Hoggard, Monty Panesar and Steven Harminson to follow?

This leaves only four specialist bowlers, with Paul Collingwood and whoever else to contribute if things get desperate.

England did OK with four bowlers last season, when Flintoff was injured. Arguably, with weaker bowlers (Anderson, Mahmood, etc.) and stronger opposition. There were some instances when England lacked penetration, and struggled to take vital wickets. But it is hard to see how extra bowlers would provide this.

On the other hand, we can persist with Flintoff at six and miss out on more runs, but retain the extra bowling option – by bringing in Plunkett, who can also bat a bit.

To be honest, either option is not going to change the course of the series. The West Indies’ unpractised bowlers are not going to trouble five specialist batsman, and I doubt their ill-disciplined batsman will always get the better of four England bowlers.

As such, the make-up of the side should be determined by future considerations: do we want to develop Owais Shah, or Plunkett? Do we want to increase Flintoff’s confidence as captain? Do we want to wait to give a “fair run” to a player?

I don’t know the answer to any of these questions, but buy me a few drinks and I may be able to come up with something.

Yorkshire: where men are mums

Do you remember when you mum used to kiss you as a kid? You’d pull away and say “Mu-um!” Of course, this is all just a memory for me now. My mum has now replaced affection with criticism and abuse, as with all loving parents, I suppose.

Anyway, this Adil Rashid receiving a motherly kiss from his captain, Darren Gough. From the expression on Adil’s face – he feels about five.

Now, I would have liked to see Ray Illingworth kiss his team-mates. One by one. Maybe he’d hold their hand a little. Give them a flower.

Anyway, if the heavy petting route works, which it seems to for Yorkshire, then I’m not the one to stand in the way of consenting cricketers expressing themselves in public.

How New Zealand can win the next World Cup

Worried bythe lack of venom in the Black Caps this World Cup, it seems sensible to devise a new strategy for them, as I did with England. I have sent my plan to the relevant New Zealand authorities for higher approval. Here's a copy:

Dear Sir/Madam,

As you would no doubt have noticed, the performance of the New Zealand cricket team in the last World Cup was a little disappointing. For the fourth consecutive time, the Black Caps only managed a semi-final place.

Whereas, across the Tasman Sea, a side of little skill and limited charm triumphed, winning the tournament in handsome style. It troubles me to say, as it would all right-thinking individuals, this was a deserved victory.

However, although I am an Englishman, I believe that New Zealand should have won. Why is it, I thought to myself, that one Antipedean nation should succeed in such an emphatic manner whilst the other fails? After only a moments thought, the answer leapt to me.

Most people are constrained by rules of affability, courtesy and civility. The Australians, however, are not encumbered by such fancies. Their success in the sporting arena derives from tapping this essential source of bastardliness, which gives them strength and courage where others would simper and “try their best”. New Zealanders lack that basic malice that empowers the Australians to seize what others are simply too decent to take.

Moreover, considering this natural equilibrium or universal truth, if you will, the New Zealand nation will never be equipped to address the Australian Question. Hence, I have outlined for your country an assured action-plan that can invigorate an ailing team.

The Action Plan

Crudely put, if your society lacks core unpleasantness, then you must take it from elsewhere. The most feasible move would be to acquire this from your neighbour, where great deposits of nastiness are endowed throughout the nation. To realise this goal, you need to undertake a staged military invasion of Australia.

Fig. 1

Firstly, a small task force is to be dispatched to Tasmania (see fig. 1). Some of Australia’s finest bête noire emanated from this cursed isle: David Boon, Max Walker, Ricky Ponting, etc. etc. the list is nearly endless. This island has thick seams of spite and will be a major addition to the New Zealand Cricket Board.

I am unsure of your country’s precise absorptive capacity for bastardliness, but you may find that there is a sufficient quantity of root awfulness to seep into your country through osmosis, allowing your sporting teams to improve significantly.

However, if, after some months of brutal occupation, you find that the fortunes of the Black Caps have not improved. In which case you press on with the invasion, and continue to subject more Australian territories under the heel of the Kiwi Boot (see fig. 2).

Fig. 2

You should find that after, even the shortest time of rule, that the Australian proclivity for prattishness penetrates all levels of New Zealand society, improving your sporting fortunes and perhaps even providing an economic bonus. Unfortunately, this may result in increased incidence of people starting fights in pubs, but this is a small price for sporting hegemony.

The relative gains in themselves may proof decisive in future contests. Notwithstanding the boost in New Zealand’s international reputation is sure to receive, in view of the benefits that would filter into all nations.

I am no expert on military matters, but I feel the mighty New Zealand army should have no problem challenging the Australians. Although, an irritating media war of dim witterings will have to be endured. Dirty tricks will probably be in order here, and I suggest you might want to injure their best generals before play.

Nevertheless, if you have any concerns about realising this plan, I will be able to offer my services as a military advisor to your army on a consultancy basis. Considering the humanitarian nature of such an operation, I will, of course, offer a reduced fee.

Good luck in your future endeavours!

Kind Regards,

The Atheist

You need two wicket-keepers to win

Well, India proved me wrong and a 107 partnership by wicket-keepers Dinesh Karthik (58) and MS Dhoni (91) forced a victory for the visitors.

At 144/5 after 28.1 overs, with a run a ball required, India were in trouble. The Tiger's spinners were on top of the floundering Indian bastmen, and Bangladesh should have pushed hard for the win. However, Dhoni played a thoughtful innings and held India together. No mad flailing this time, he played with maturity to pull the match away from Bangladesh.

Karthik also played a sensible knock and will pressure Dhoni for those times when India only play one keeper.

Although they kept the run-rate down, the Bangladeshi attack lacks penetration. One more wicket would have won them the match. The Tigers are surely young and nice people, but I think a mean ruthlessness is needed now.

This was certainly an impressive performance by both teams. India showed their character in pulling themselves out of certain defeat, and Bangladesh looked dominant for most of the match.

Bangladesh look better than India, at the moment

The Tigers have started brightly against India, scoring 250 off their reduced allocation of 47 overs. Javed Omar top-scored with 80, Saqibul Hasan (50) and Tamim Iqbal (45) supplying extra oomph to the innings. India’s reply has been faltering, at the moment they’re 64 for three. Although Virender Sehwag’s 30 off 21 has helped them to go for over 6 an over.

India badly need a win here. As the BCCI put it themselves:

“India is desperate to redeem itself after tumbling out of the first round of the cricket World Cup”

Indeed, the public ready to revolt unless they win the series. If Bangladesh whitewash them, expect a full revolution, fans storming BCCI and maybe over-throwing the Government to boot.

This is also an important time for the new players to start to make their name, and begin a new era in Indian cricket. Watch out for Ramesh Powar, Munaf Patel and Dinesh Karthik. So far, they seem ok. They may be integral to future sides. Or, they may be forgotten about forever. Who knows with the BCCI?

The Indian cricket team is a lot like the London Underground. Normally, it’s OK, and you wonder why the masses are so annoyed. Sometimes, an attractive girl sits opposite you. Sometimes she falls asleep, starts to snore loudly and drool large globules of saliva down her chin. You win some; you lose some.

Then, all trains travelling westward of Aldgate Station are cancelled because there is a “passenger on a train at Euston Square” of all reasons. When a ten minute journey takes over an hour, you are wondering whether you are losing more than you are winning. Much like how Indian cricket fans feel now. Poor souls.

Ayalac exclusive: Mohammad Asif clean

Be warned. I’m wearing a different pair of shoes today, so this blog is liable to be a bit weird. I don't feel right.

Normally, I wear the same pair of shoes for years. They eventually fall to pieces; as does my character which develops a close bond to Clark browns. Today, however, those trousers have been donned. Brown shoes don’t suit those trousers, or so I have been told.

In fairness, I am no great authority on trousers either. Some of my trousers are sentient, evil bastards. They have a tendency of unzipping my flies of their own accord. Foolishly, I have not punished the offending slacks, and only realise I’m in a dodgy pair when the surrounding shocked faces and rugby tackles from the police pervert squad give it away.

Only when not wearing thinking trousers, a perfectly innocent unzip-only-on-command pair, do I remember the affliction and become panicked. I try to check surreptitiously I’m not “flying low” only for to receive multiple stares of disapproval at my fiddling with my crotch in public.

Anyway, no such fears evidentially trouble the Pakistan Cricket Board. After watching Al-Jazeera on the ol’ free-view (which is very interesting and well worth a try), I saw a sneaky scrolling sentence informing me of Mohammad Asif’s return to world cricket. This news hasn’t been announced anywhere on the internet. So this is an Ayalac exclusive! I’m a growed-up journalist! Now where’s the bar?

The PCB claims this is because of an elbow injury, not because the the performance enhancing drugs have finally left his system. (To the PCB’s lawyers reading this: I didn’t write anything libellous there, you merely imagined it.)

The tour to Sri Lanka, which consists of three one-dayers, is badly short on stars. Pakistan lack:

Inzamam-ul-Haq – has retired from one-day internationals.
Shoaib Akhtar – still doped up.
Younis Khan – would rather play for Yorkshire (because of the great weather).
Danish Kaneria – would rather play for Essex.
Azhar Mahmood – would rather play for Surrey.

On the other side, Sri Lanka will lose the following:

Muttiah Muralitharan – would rather play for Lancashire.
Chaminda Vaas - would rather play for Middlesex.
Kumar Sangakkara – would rather play for Warwickshire.

With the loss of so much quality, the series is going to be rubbish. A lot has been made of overseas players in the English county game as adversely affecting the performance of the English national side. On the basis of the above evidence, the insatiable appetite of the counties may have a global impact. Hooray for us!