Friday, May 11, 2007

How New Zealand can win the next World Cup

Worried bythe lack of venom in the Black Caps this World Cup, it seems sensible to devise a new strategy for them, as I did with England. I have sent my plan to the relevant New Zealand authorities for higher approval. Here's a copy:

Dear Sir/Madam,

As you would no doubt have noticed, the performance of the New Zealand cricket team in the last World Cup was a little disappointing. For the fourth consecutive time, the Black Caps only managed a semi-final place.

Whereas, across the Tasman Sea, a side of little skill and limited charm triumphed, winning the tournament in handsome style. It troubles me to say, as it would all right-thinking individuals, this was a deserved victory.

However, although I am an Englishman, I believe that New Zealand should have won. Why is it, I thought to myself, that one Antipedean nation should succeed in such an emphatic manner whilst the other fails? After only a moments thought, the answer leapt to me.

Most people are constrained by rules of affability, courtesy and civility. The Australians, however, are not encumbered by such fancies. Their success in the sporting arena derives from tapping this essential source of bastardliness, which gives them strength and courage where others would simper and “try their best”. New Zealanders lack that basic malice that empowers the Australians to seize what others are simply too decent to take.

Moreover, considering this natural equilibrium or universal truth, if you will, the New Zealand nation will never be equipped to address the Australian Question. Hence, I have outlined for your country an assured action-plan that can invigorate an ailing team.

The Action Plan

Crudely put, if your society lacks core unpleasantness, then you must take it from elsewhere. The most feasible move would be to acquire this from your neighbour, where great deposits of nastiness are endowed throughout the nation. To realise this goal, you need to undertake a staged military invasion of Australia.

Fig. 1

Firstly, a small task force is to be dispatched to Tasmania (see fig. 1). Some of Australia’s finest bĂȘte noire emanated from this cursed isle: David Boon, Max Walker, Ricky Ponting, etc. etc. the list is nearly endless. This island has thick seams of spite and will be a major addition to the New Zealand Cricket Board.

I am unsure of your country’s precise absorptive capacity for bastardliness, but you may find that there is a sufficient quantity of root awfulness to seep into your country through osmosis, allowing your sporting teams to improve significantly.

However, if, after some months of brutal occupation, you find that the fortunes of the Black Caps have not improved. In which case you press on with the invasion, and continue to subject more Australian territories under the heel of the Kiwi Boot (see fig. 2).

Fig. 2
You should find that after, even the shortest time of rule, that the Australian proclivity for prattishness penetrates all levels of New Zealand society, improving your sporting fortunes and perhaps even providing an economic bonus. Unfortunately, this may result in increased incidence of people starting fights in pubs, but this is a small price for sporting hegemony.

The relative gains in themselves may proof decisive in future contests. Notwithstanding the boost in New Zealand’s international reputation is sure to receive, in view of the benefits that would filter into all nations.

I am no expert on military matters, but I feel the mighty New Zealand army should have no problem challenging the Australians. Although, an irritating media war of dim witterings will have to be endured. Dirty tricks will probably be in order here, and I suggest you might want to injure their best generals before play.

Nevertheless, if you have any concerns about realising this plan, I will be able to offer my services as a military advisor to your army on a consultancy basis. Considering the humanitarian nature of such an operation, I will, of course, offer a reduced fee.

Good luck in your future endeavours!

Kind Regards,

The Atheist


Frankie said...

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MartyD said...

A cunning plan, and worthy of more than just frankies shameless advertising. I wonder, given that the Kiwi netballers have now lost to the girls of England, if the time might be past for invasion. We may struggle to protect our own!

The Atheist said...

Cheers, I think it's a well thought-out plan. Although, I haven't any contact from the New Zealand authorities yet. Perhaps I should go higher? Do you happen to know the PM's email address?

Generally, it's probably a good thing that your girls can't play netball. Ours are terrifying.

Martyd said...

Trust me you do not want the PM's address. Now she is terrifying.

The Atheist said...

Sounds like she could make a good war-leader.

To arms!

Andrew Mosey said...

Little Johnny would have been sh1tscared of mad Helen..

I think the invasion may have already begun, the accents outside centrelink in Bondi are very choice bro.. not to mention maori-warringah.