As you would no doubt have noticed, the performance of the New Zealand cricket team in the last World Cup was a little disappointing. For the fourth consecutive time, the Black Caps only managed a semi-final place.
Whereas, across the Tasman Sea, a side of little skill and limited charm triumphed, winning the tournament in handsome style. It troubles me to say, as it would all right-thinking individuals, this was a deserved victory.
However, although I am an Englishman, I believe that New Zealand should have won. Why is it, I thought to myself, that one Antipedean nation should succeed in such an emphatic manner whilst the other fails? After only a moments thought, the answer leapt to me.
Most people are constrained by rules of affability, courtesy and civility. The Australians, however, are not encumbered by such fancies. Their success in the sporting arena derives from tapping this essential source of bastardliness, which gives them strength and courage where others would simper and “try their best”. New Zealanders lack that basic malice that empowers the Australians to seize what others are simply too decent to take.
Moreover, considering this natural equilibrium or universal truth, if you will, the New Zealand nation will never be equipped to address the Australian Question. Hence, I have outlined for your country an assured action-plan that can invigorate an ailing team.
The Action Plan
Crudely put, if your society lacks core unpleasantness, then you must take it from elsewhere. The most feasible move would be to acquire this from your neighbour, where great deposits of nastiness are endowed throughout the nation. To realise this goal, you need to undertake a staged military invasion of Australia.
I am unsure of your country’s precise absorptive capacity for bastardliness, but you may find that there is a sufficient quantity of root awfulness to seep into your country through osmosis, allowing your sporting teams to improve significantly.
The relative gains in themselves may proof decisive in future contests. Notwithstanding the boost in New Zealand’s international reputation is sure to receive, in view of the benefits that would filter into all nations.
I am no expert on military matters, but I feel the mighty New Zealand army should have no problem challenging the Australians. Although, an irritating media war of dim witterings will have to be endured. Dirty tricks will probably be in order here, and I suggest you might want to injure their best generals before play.
Nevertheless, if you have any concerns about realising this plan, I will be able to offer my services as a military advisor to your army on a consultancy basis. Considering the humanitarian nature of such an operation, I will, of course, offer a reduced fee.
Good luck in your future endeavours!