Post Stanford chit-chat

This is my last week at work. I am working on a client’s site unsupervised, alone and bitter. Oh, the client is going to hear an earful. Oh yes. They’re going to find out exactly what they get for our over-inflated fee, let me tell you.

So, while I’m away doing that, I decided to dust down the ol’ Predictron, and ask it to tunnel into the future. The location: England’s dressing room. The time: after the Stanford Parade.

“Hey Owais, what kind of oil do you use on your bat?”

“Well, I’m glad you asked me that, Jimmy,” responded the Middlesexian batsman, as he removed a small peppering of powder from the pin-striped lapel of his bespoke Fawns and Newham suit. “My weapon needs hours of greasing and rubbing down before you can get it to really start gushing with runs.”

“Yeah, I had a problem with the runs once” said a hairy, Northern creature. But nobody heard. As usual, he was only wearing his underpants.

A low hum began to fill the room.
“Sounds like GOD has arrived,” said Iain the Bell. He set down his Lucian Freud exersketch for 12-16 year olds. “Should we prepare the auguries?”

The seriousness of his tone settled the high-spirited group.

“Yes,” replied young Stewie “we must please him well.”

“There he is! OH! Doesn’t he look marvellous!” a young Peter Moores suggested excitably over his snack of blinis and Golden Panda shavings.
“Arriving on a Porsche–drawn carriage!” a chirped Luke Wright, “how classy.”

Indeed, the Dirty Saffer was a site to behold. Muscle-bound and stripped to the waist, standing astride a shimmering Lapis lazuli chariot, The Mighty One was propelled by four firey soft-top Porches, as topless and resplendent as the four super-models that drove them.

“Oh bugger!” exclaimed Andrew Flintoff “That reminds me I forgot to buy the new Veyron.”
“Isn’t there, like, a ten year waiting list for that?” asked some fool. It doesn’t matter who. The only important issue is that the question was asked. It was a narrative device. It adds to the drama and progresses the story. Come on, get involved.

“Well, you know how it is” shrugged the beefy all-rounder, made all the more huge by his recent acquisition of Trellis and Son - “Fine Pies for all the Family. And More.”
“Yeah.” They all chimed.

Along with the distant concert of sporty engines and whips, a trudgy, dumpy sound could be heard approaching from the stairs. The large Brazillian teak door, inset with detailed rosewood reliefs depicting historic scenes of English success, lurched open as a tired Monty Panesar stomped into the room.

“Hey Monty,” spoke Pratty Mire, “how did you get here? Catch a bus?”
All: “AAH HA HA HA”
“No, actually,” stumbled Monty. “I caught a lift from my dad. He has the new Vauxhall Insignia.”
All: “AAH HA HA HA HA”

“Hey, chaps, I forgot to tell you,” said that spinner no one has heard of from Notts “I recently bought this Swannery in Dorset or somewhere. It’s well nice. I get all my quills sourced from there now.”

“Not a bad investment in these times,” saged Paul Collingwood, “I find that my avian assets are consistently the highest performers in my portfolio.”

“Yes," said Samit or Other. "And I reserved a lovely spot for The Dropper.”

All: “AAH HA HA HA HA”

Lords, day one: Praying for Rain

OK. I am in Camden. Lords is not fair away from me. In Camden it is raining, where as in Lords, it is going to be a “belter” and play is going to start on time. Weird.

Andrew Flintoff is out, which I am starting to think is a good thing for many and slightly alarming reasons.

Here’s hoping for some washed out days, maximising my chances of going along on Monday with the cheap tickets. Come on little bloglings, pray with me now.

Anyway, it’s time to get the ol’ Predictoron 2000 out, eh?

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The start will be delayed by 42 minutes. When England eventually come out to bat, Andrew Strauss will give his wicket away in a hilarious fashion after only 13 balls. Owais Shah and Alastair Cook will dig in, notching up a slow partnership of over 50. Eventually, wickets then tumble with Cook (28), Kevin Pietersen (3) and Paul Collingwood (14) failing to make an impression. However, Ian Bell (52) and Shah (83) will put on a decent enough partnership. The tail, Matt Prior included, won’t put on much of a show. 257 all out.

The Windies will start disastrously, with Matthew Hoggard (5-42) and Steven Harminson (3-58) doing the damage. Liam Plunkett looks tight (2-47) and Monty Panesar won’t be needed. However, a stocky 95 from Ramnaresh Sarwan will hold the West Indies together. 231 all out.

The sun comes out for England’s second innings. With Strauss and Cook contributing with a solid effort, with both men hitting half-centuries. However, Dwayne Bravo (4-61) opens with a decent spell, taking the wickets of Strauss (52), Shah (3) and Jerome Taylor (3-56) picks up Cook (64) and Pietersen (2). KP will be caught by an exceptional catch by Denesh Ramdin down the leg-side. Eventually, England slump from 109-0 to 225 all out.

However, the Windies are never in the chase. And despite a gritty 44* from Shivnarine Chanderpaul they fall to 169 all out.

England win by 82 runs. (On the fifth day with Ayalac taking nice photographs)

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The brooding heavens

The cricket gods, perched high in Mount ICC-pus (Dubai) are stirring up a fascinating contest. Can England somehow manage another win to see their crumbling cadaver of a team over the line in one final, spasmodic throe of twitching energy?

I doubt it. However, the England vs. South Africa game should be an interesting one as, enticingly, this match genuinely could go either way. Both sides are flying in the bi-plane of under-achievement in the skies of unrealised potential: the thuderbolt of failure could strike at any time. However, this is yet another “must win” game, and victory means automatic promotion into the semi-finals.

On paper, the Saffers are a stronger team: recently topping the number one spot in world rankings and having lost to England only once out of their last seven games. They also have the advantage of having better players.

And yet they have looked rather lack lustre. Or, as some have it, a bit podgy. Indeed, England, apparently, have been playing really well in the nets. Whenever the net bowler trundles along, they say, our batsman hit it. Against this fearsome training record, all sides will be trembling.

Let’s see what the Predictoron has to say about it all.


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England will beat South Africa at Barbados by 35 runs.

Having been put into bat, Michael Vaughan and Ian Bell will share a slow 50 run partnership, before Vaughan gets bowled. Andrew Strauss will chip in with a useful 32, but further wickets will leave England on 98-3. Kevin Pieterson will hit a quick 42, Paul Collingwood 31 and Andrew Flintoff not much. This big hitting, and lively lower order support, will see England post 253 for eight.

South Africa will start brightly, with both the openers passing 30. However, panic begins to grip the Proteas’ ranks as Flintoff (4-38) is introduced into the attack and immediately takes wickets. With Vaughan (0-40) and Monty Panesar (1-37) tying down one end, the South African batsman get increasingly desperate against the Lancashire all-rounder, and quickly succumb to him. The loss of wickets will move them further and further behind the run chase, and, therefore, lose.

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Well, you heard it from here first. England will win! It’s almost enough to give you a seizure.

Old men dispatch Kiwis

“Kiwis” as in New Zealanders, not the fruit. Old men don’t like exotic fruit; it frightens them. Give them a corned beef sandwich any day.

So on to the cricket. Old campaigners Benevolent Uncle Sanath, Granddad Chaminda and Crazed Nephew Murali did the job for Sri Lanka, to see them home against a rather deflated New Zealand.

Stricken by the curse of batting first, the heart of the New Zealand side was ripped open by a great spell of opening bowling by W. P. U. J. C. Vaas. Fleming, Taylor and then Fulton all fell for not much. Here Muttiah Muralitharan took over, keeping the runs down and taking some wickets, as was his want. Only Scott Styris offered some resistance, mounting an innings-saving Nelson.

But it wasn’t enough. After some early innings fireworks from Sanath Jayasuriya, the reliable old Kumar Sangakkara saw the Lankans home. An impressive display, I thought.

People have been suggesting that the Black Caps are actually quite good, and could perhaps win the World Cup.

NO. I say. THEY ARE NOT. THEY ARE RUBBISH.

No one listens to me – not even the sides that lose to them. I am right, though, they will fail. To see when they would lose, I consulted the Predictoron on this. It said “soon”. So that cheered me up a bit.

More importantly, my desperate search for a “Stop The Australians” candidate has settled on Sri Lanka. I thought that South Africa was a safe bet, but they’ve gone all England on me. So now, it seems, all our hopes rest on a smallish island in the Indian Ocean. Or, as I will now call it in honour of my new champions, the “Mad Murali Seas”.

South Africa win! And nothing else happened.

*Mumbles something about the West Indies doing something unrelated to cricket.*

This was a decent win by South Africa, and despite some Malinga-inspired craziness towards the end, the Proteas won the game by winning. Well done.

Today, the Windies have an opportunity to recover my confidence in their abilities by beating New Zealand. I’m not too hopeful, especially since Brian Lara said “we're confident we can get our act together." This is not “we will crush them like the worms they are”, oh no, they’re “confident” that they won’t make complete tits of themselves. Fantastic. Not sure I'd put my mortage on that.

Fortunately, the Kiwis have lost some good players: Lou Vincent who, is a bloke I like, broke his wrist in the nets; Ross Taylor still has hamstring trouble; Mark Gillespie and Daryl Tuffey are still buggered; and Craig McMillan is struggling manfully on despite his manly toe-injury. Whereas the Windies are all fit.

The West Indies are always fit though. And they always lose. I am still blindly backing them, however. This day will be different. What do you say Predictoron?

********************************PROCESSING********************************

The New Zealand will lose to the West Indies by one wicket.

The New Zealand upper order will lose quick wickets, being reduced to 34-3. Scott Styris and Craig McMillan will put on 30 each and Jacob Oram will blast a quick 60, with strong support from Brendon McCullum. But would 213 be enough?

Shivnarine Chanderpaul will finally produce that hundred. With a nice half century from Dinesh Ramdin in the lower order to save the day in the nick of time. Thus winning.

**************************************END***********************************

H’mmm… are these predictions are beginning to look quite similar? Perhaps my machine is broken? Maybe it’s working on the “law of averages” – if it says the same thing enough times it’ll eventually strike gold. There’s only one way to find out.

Predictoron, will Ireland win the Eurovision Song Contest?


********************************PROCESSING********************************
NO
**************************************END***********************************

Ah crap. I wonder if it’s still under warranty?


********************************PROCESSING********************************
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What?

The Predictoron

OK - I admit it. My seeming prophetic forecasting skills are false. I have a machine I bought off a bloke in a pub. It’s called “The Predictoron”. It provided me with all my previous predictions, hence the computer-like accuracy. Today I asked The Predictoron the result for today’s game, Sri Lanka vs. Bangladesh.

Port of Spain: India lose to Sri Lanka by four wickets.

Both sides will field unchanged line-ups. Sri Lanka correctly calls “heads” and bowl.

The Indian innings will start brightly, with 70 on the board before the first wicket is lost. Then a bit of carnage from Malinga: India will lose four wickets for nine runs. However, Dravid will hold things together with a 72 that provides the backbone of the innings, whilst Yuvraj Singh, Dhoni, and Harbhajan will provide some fireworks in the late-order to see India recover to 272.

Sri Lanka won’t start too well: they’ll lose Tharanga and Jayasuriya cheaply. Nevertheless, those legends, Jayawardene and Sangakkara, will put 124 for the third wicket. The scene is set for Maharoof, who scores a quick-fire 73 to see the Lankans home, with vital some lower-order support. There will be five balls to spare.

The Sri Lankan fans will cheer; the Indians will not. Although, for some pessimist fans there’s hope:

The only way India can surmount their problems is by playing out their skins. We don't think they can do it for more than 2 or 3 matches. So, better to lose now, get knocked out of the tournament and start afresh for the busy cricket season ahead.

That’s the sort of negativity will like to hear here in Ayalac, and there should certainly be more of it about.

In Jamaica, the omnipotent West Indies will devour the Irish like the minnows they are. Hurrah!

In yesterday's play, Scotland did lose against the Netherlands. By eight wickets! Ha! That certainly made my day. The Scots completely capitulated. It was like taking one of my soufflés out of the oven: excitement at the prospect of my achievement, and then despair at watching it pathetically collapse inwards. Only, I wasn’t despairing; I was smirking. The Scotch were annihilated in every match of this tournament, it was a comprehensive disaster. Suddenly, the sun is shining again.

Hang on. Why on earth do the Dutch play cricket? How did that happen? Were some cricket-obsessive pirates blown of course in the 17th century and, instead of raping and pillaging the locals, they taught them how to ponce about in white flannels on a cryptic stretch of grass. They must have been the worst pirates ever. And, by the looks of things, not great at cricket, either.