Vaughan fingered

I was quite cheery this morning. There were elections all across the country yesterday and, being obsessed with politics, I was looking forward to getting stuck into the papers today. Then, imagine my horror when the uncharismatic sports presenter on BBC Breakfast announced terrible news:

Michael Vaughan has broken his finger in a recent Yorkshire game. According to the ECB he is “almost certain” to miss the first test, and probably the second test too.

Crash! Bang! Wallop! It happens again! In hindsight, this was inevitable. Two reasons: a) he’s English, and therefore fragile as hell; b) he’s Michael Vaughan, and therefore practically made of china. Now he’s broken bone china.

So! The England team, which hasn’t been in a chaotic crisis in a few weeks now, has another catastrophe to sort out. Will Andrew Strauss captain the first games? Well, according to my little test, Kevin Pieterson came out second best. But, this is only one test. It may be an opportunity to give Paul Collingwood some captaincy experience, as he has only thrice led Durham before.

Personally, I’m backing Matthew Hoggard, but most people don’t listen to me. Especially not important people. Anyway, back to the papers. I see the Tories have Lincoln now.

H'mmm... what will happen to Scotland's position in the English leagues if they vote for independence? I hope the ECB pulls out all funding for them. Actually, I hope the ECB does that anyway, regardless of the referendum. But then again, I'm a bit rabid when it comes to Scotland.

The Predictoron

OK - I admit it. My seeming prophetic forecasting skills are false. I have a machine I bought off a bloke in a pub. It’s called “The Predictoron”. It provided me with all my previous predictions, hence the computer-like accuracy. Today I asked The Predictoron the result for today’s game, Sri Lanka vs. Bangladesh.

Port of Spain: India lose to Sri Lanka by four wickets.

Both sides will field unchanged line-ups. Sri Lanka correctly calls “heads” and bowl.

The Indian innings will start brightly, with 70 on the board before the first wicket is lost. Then a bit of carnage from Malinga: India will lose four wickets for nine runs. However, Dravid will hold things together with a 72 that provides the backbone of the innings, whilst Yuvraj Singh, Dhoni, and Harbhajan will provide some fireworks in the late-order to see India recover to 272.

Sri Lanka won’t start too well: they’ll lose Tharanga and Jayasuriya cheaply. Nevertheless, those legends, Jayawardene and Sangakkara, will put 124 for the third wicket. The scene is set for Maharoof, who scores a quick-fire 73 to see the Lankans home, with vital some lower-order support. There will be five balls to spare.

The Sri Lankan fans will cheer; the Indians will not. Although, for some pessimist fans there’s hope:

The only way India can surmount their problems is by playing out their skins. We don't think they can do it for more than 2 or 3 matches. So, better to lose now, get knocked out of the tournament and start afresh for the busy cricket season ahead.

That’s the sort of negativity will like to hear here in Ayalac, and there should certainly be more of it about.

In Jamaica, the omnipotent West Indies will devour the Irish like the minnows they are. Hurrah!

In yesterday's play, Scotland did lose against the Netherlands. By eight wickets! Ha! That certainly made my day. The Scots completely capitulated. It was like taking one of my soufflés out of the oven: excitement at the prospect of my achievement, and then despair at watching it pathetically collapse inwards. Only, I wasn’t despairing; I was smirking. The Scotch were annihilated in every match of this tournament, it was a comprehensive disaster. Suddenly, the sun is shining again.

Hang on. Why on earth do the Dutch play cricket? How did that happen? Were some cricket-obsessive pirates blown of course in the 17th century and, instead of raping and pillaging the locals, they taught them how to ponce about in white flannels on a cryptic stretch of grass. They must have been the worst pirates ever. And, by the looks of things, not great at cricket, either.

Scotland might lose

You can’t help but think that that Scotland should have invested more of their energies into beating the Netherlands, than trying the improbable of beating Australia. Today Scotland slumped to an appalling score of 136, being bowled out in 34.1 overs. The penetrative bowling of the well-known Billy Stelling getting three for 12, and the dangerous Mark Jonkman taking two for 22. Look at Jonkman in the picture. Look at that tenacity. He face is saying, “I bowled you out, Scotchman. I bowled you out, and now I am going to knock you down. I knock you down easy.” That’s the sort of attitude I like to see in minnows: undirected, futile aggression.

This Scotch failure brings joy to my heart. As I have noted, I have immature yet good reasons for wanting Scotland to lose, and lose badly. The problem is I don’t have pets, or children. I have nothing to nurture or help develop. So, I have decided to nurse a bitter grudge, feeding it with sulky remarks and sour observations. My precious one is growing strong.

In other news, New Zealand are showing England how it is done, and are destroying the Canadians. No fuss, no messing about with batting strategies. Just good, straight-forward slogging. Lou Vincent hit 101 in 117 balls, with nine fours and a six. None of the top-order deliberately played slow, and the crowd did not give them a slow hand clap. The reason for this is that the Kiwis are playing proper cricket, which is something the England Cricket Board may like to think about.

I’m starting to wonder whether the Black Caps might do a Sri Lanka, and sneak into the Semis without actually being that good. I don’t think so, though. There’s something indefinably mediocre about the New Zealanders. They have players of flair, and match-winners, but there’s just something of the defective about them, but I can’t put my finger on it.

Spaceship Scotland crashes and burns

This match was always going to be a lose-lose situation for me.

Like the rest of humanity, I obviously want to see the Australians humiliated by a minnow. However, after a nasty break up with a Scottish girlfriend, I have turned rather anti-Things-North-Of-The-Border. I am now an advocate of full Scottish independence, isolation and saturation bombing. So, it’s probably best if I take the little drop of bitter glee from the match and do like any good journalist by Focusing On The Loser.

So it brings me great joy when I say: Scotland were crushed by an opposing team. Hurrah!

This, yet again, matches up to my forecasts on the matter. The Scocthmen’s bizarre strategy of targeting one of the most awesome cricket machines in history was a mistake. Why not quote myself? It saves on effort.

There is no point in drawing up detailed plans on defeating Ponting’s team; it is a waste of effort. Scotland will lose against the Ozzies. They need to be realistic, and attempt to fell a weaker team: like England.

OK – admittedly this wasn’t exactly sticking my neck out. But still, one group of barbarians defeated another. Isn’t that enough?

Scotland: We will fly to the moon

Scotland’s coach, Peter Drinnen, thinks that his team has a good chance against Australia.

“We don’t fear anyone at this World Cup and we won’t be losing any sleep over playing the world champions.”

There is no point in drawing up detailed plans on defeating Ponting’s team; it is a waste of effort. Scotland will lose against the Ozzies. They need to be realistic, and attempt to fell a weaker team: like England.

Besides, the whole point of a “surprise victory” is that it is unexpected. A minnow cannot simply expect a win, that would take the fun out of it.

However, that Scotland fancy their chances against the Ozzies, after defeats by England and New Zealand, is indicative of Australia’s rapid fall from hegemony. And a sign of things to come, surely? It is also hilarious.

Anyway, this is all in keeping with my world cup predictions.