Michael Vaughan and the booze go boozing with teen-agers

In his recent autobiography, Michael Vaughan has admitted that, during the 2005 Ashes celebrations, the entire England team rocked up to 10 Downing Street and were disappointed by what they saw.

They immediately identified the key problem: no booze.

The infamous all-night bender, followed by tipsy open-topped bus fiesta had rather given the impression that drink was not wanting. But, after stumbling up the red carpet and relieving themselves in the Prime Minister’s garden, the team was unimpressed by the offerings.

In fact, there was nothing. Vaughan stated,

“I demand to have some booze!”

The nectar of the gods was duly provided. The captain of England and, supposed Yorkshire lad, after tasting a sample politely pointed out that it was “lukewarm” and “undrinkable”.

At this point, an unexpected alliance was forged between the pissed England cricket team, and the most notorious political pisshead: Tony Blair’s son Euan.

Don’t worry if you don’t know who is, most of his friends forgot him too. At the age of 16, he was found abandoned in Leicester Square plastered out of his little pasty head on alco-tiddlers.

But now, in lukewarm Downing Steet, it was at this moment of crisis that Euan’s lifetime of self-indulgence and waste came to the fore. He knew what to do. He immediately raided his dad’s “private” collection of wines and beers and gave it to a load of older boys taht he barely knew. The cricketers, being decent, honest men, accepted the boys's illicit booze.

To be honest, it’s a teenagers dream: getting pissed with the England cricket team, whilst your dad is out. I’m sure most of us would plump for that over being Ian Bell.

Vaughan finally succumbs to the final straight one

I was wondering whether to make note of the retirement of Michael Vaughan, former captain of Yorkshire.

I decided not. Then looked at the news, and promptly reassessed.

Vaughan will be remembered for his innovative and creative explanations for missing the straight one. Although the Lancaster Turncoat found success early in his career – averaging over 70 in his first series against the Australians – once he was “found out”, the glory faded.

In past decades, his weakness probably wouldn’t have been spotted. But in an era of in-depth video analysis and bulging teams of backroom boffins, his inability to hit a straight ball, that doesn’t deviate upon pitching on a true bounce, was eventually unearthed.

Baffled by this minor fault, Vaughan would often be seen prodding the treacherous earth, shaking his head and muttering about fickle fingers of fate as the mighty king was castled once again.

My favourite moment in the 2005 was seeing the English captain completely bewildered by one of Brett Lee’s unnerving straight ones. There was a period where Vaughan could lay bat on ball against Jacob Oram’s terrifying lack of movement.

The final excuse came yesterday:

“Two weeks ago in the garden with my little lad Archie he bowled a ball that hit a weed and knocked my off stump out.”

It is surprising how such a talent has been blighted by an unusual amount of rogue weeds. Presumably, they’ve organised a union to conduct a campaign of anti-Vaughanist flying pickets.

I am informed that his the “most successful captain ever”. In an era of manifold matches and guaranteed results, it’s difficult to compare his success to former captains – especially good ones.

Moreover, since most of his “genius” plans to oust certain batsman were informed by a tax-payer draining mega-group of backroom analysts, it is hard to isolate Vaughan’s influence on the game. Especially since commentators attribute brilliance every time a captain moves a fielder.

In fact, the test of a captain is how he handles a weakened team – this quality, for instance, defines Stephen Fleming as one of the game’s great leaders. When Vaughan was blessed with a penetrative four-man pace attack, England won. Yet, in later years, when then bowling lost its edge, so did their captain.

We can ascribe responsibility to Vaughan for England’s “go-slow” strategy at the World Cup. But, if we do so, it is only far to credit him with England’s glorious streak of victories that culminated in the reclamation of the Ashes. The years proceeding 2005, saw a tremendous stretch of success and skill, all helmed by Vaughan. For that, I suppose we must say “good job”, and other such things.

In other news, Australian sporting prowess has further sunken into the pit of oblivion. Late-on Hewed lost at Wimbledon. Which is just as well, as he would have been beaten by a Britisher in the semis – that or spank a Scot.

The Anguish of a Rejected Soul

Pity Lancastrians. They are sensitive types.

News that Michael Vaughan was not included in the England line-up hit the former England captain hard.

Former England captain follows AYALAC’s leading path

We all know that cricket and art was first united by the hallowed halls of AYALAC HQ. It is an undisputable and uncontroversial fact.

Before I came along, artists, being naturally humble folk, shrank in the face of the game’s glory. Surely, they thought, only a true genius can capture the beauty of cricket.

A space large emerged only occupiable by a fish with a particularly awesome girth. It was time for AYALAC.

Now AYALAC has merged art and cricket into the international artform we enjoy today, Michael Vaughan has now tried his hand at it.

He has an interesting technique, based on Jackson Pollock’s method of paying local tramps to through balls at him, Vaughan refines the American artist’s sexual party games by hitting the balls at plan canvases.

The result is one of earth-shattering, spell-binding, thought-provoking, life-changing, premature baby-inducing beauty.

Vaughan has claimed that these pieces have been received well. Although people are sceptical when they here of a Northerner trying to be creative, says Vaughan,

"But then they see the finished works and they say, 'Shit!'”

And then they, he claims, they go on to add,

“'...they're actually good!' It really takes them aback, which is great. Almost everyone who's seen them has been hugely surprised."

Surprise is the first gate through the path of beauty. The second is having loads of freetime brought about by unexpected redundancy.

So, what do we think?

Don’t give up your day job.

Oh wait, YOU DON’T HAVE ONE.

Michael Vaughan hits the fan

It’s all kicking off.

Michael Vaughan has resigned from the England test captaincy, and indefinitely stepped down from the squad. In a “me too” mood, Paul Collingwood has quit the ODI job.

In selfless move, in a way, as England probably would have guaranteed his place until Christmas, but a tacit acknowledgement that England need to think about re-building the side for the Ashes. It is unlikely that Vaughan will ever field for England again.

It also keeps England pathetic lose against the South Africans off the back pages. Handy, that.

But, given Collingwood’s oddly timed departure, you might suspect that the management are clearing a path for the Big KP. Who currently stands as the only man who can get into both teams. Perhaps Peter Moores is beginning to throw his weight around?

Although I doubt it. He’s dead fit. Hardly any weight on that string bean.

So, it’s an end to the Michael Vaughan era. Statistically, one of the most successful patches in England’s history. But you would never have guessed it if you were listen to the bloggers. Miserable moaners that complain about nothing. Not like the happy-go-lucky AYALAC. I’ve always given my undivided and fanatical support to our Michael.

A lasting legacy of Vaughan’s stay hopefully might a sane selection policy. I policy where random goons from Victoria aren’t picked for one match.

We will mainly remember him for winning the Ashes. Which he did in 2005. With some others. He may be remembered for his golden year in 2003, where he averaged over 70 and pounded all that stood against him.

He will be remembered for his grace at the crease and wonderfully flowing drives. He litters countless scorecards with pretty 30s and 40s. And a few 190s.

Michael Vaughan was an excellent England captain, that used modest resources to produce a period of dominance for England cricket that they unlikely to see again for many years.

Top work.

Cheerio Mr Captain Sir.

Atherton unpicks seam of Vaughan enigma

I have been vaguely aware of Michael Atherton’s ascent through the journalistic ranks. It hasn’t been full-on, consciousness, just a steady, distant understanding: like the catholic view of the Trinity.

Today he has an interview in The Times.

Now, just to set the scene, my view on interviews in papers is strong: especially when the hack attempts to set the scene. These pieces usually begin with the word “As” and then brutally followed by a “I walked into the strangely dark café…” Thereupon you are treated to ten full paragraphs of this failed novelist’s desperate musings as he gropes for some literary merit in an apparently cruel world where useless journos are excluded from excreting their clichéd, half-thought out piffle onto hard-back.

Sadly, this just system does not extend its regime into the world of newspapers. Any over-optimistically coined phrase is acceptable so long as it meets the deadline.

So, it was in this context that I met Atherton’s recent interview with some reservation.

These qualms were hastily confirmed when he began with:

“Nonna’s is a clean, well-lighted place on Sheffield’s…”

Oh no. Athers broke my rule. I only had one, you bastard, and you bloody broke it. Not only that, but references to Earnest Hemmingway in cricket pieces are a bit too university – don’t you think?

I would normally, at this point, throw my head back in disgust, yodel angrily and assail the random passenger to my right.

However, seeing as Athers, like an aortic tumour, has a soft spot in my heart, I gave him a second chance and continued reading.

Although he waits another four paragraphs before he reaches the point of the piece, he spends his acres of room wisely: he insinuates some insider property trading by the England captain and gratuitously insults Yorkshire folk as “pathetically self-absorbed”.

The Times needs to produce more of these cheap shots; I approve of them greatly.

Troublingly, the piece repeatedly points out its origins in Sheffield. Yet, the previous page has Michael Vaughan in Leeds. Surely, Schrödinger couldn’t have accidentally placed Michael Vaughan in his box? More likely: it took the recipient of a first class degree from Cambridge about a fortnight to toss off this piece.

Probably too busy down the pub. Or the bookies.

The actual interview part is rather plastic, so I would avoid reading the middle bits, if I were you. Just skim along to the final sentence, nay paragraph.

“Summer has arrived, and England’s captain bounces out into the sunlight in optimistic mood.”

I recommend re-reading that sentence. There is a lot of depth to it. It is a sentence laden with sunny metaphors. We asked by the author to imagine the England captain as if he were a beach ball, leaping into the salty air above a crowded beach in July. The sun beamishly leers the bouncing objects with warmth and approval. All is well.

It is a celebration of the ever-sizzling English weather. A climate which never disappoints us with constant, numbing drizzle or tamely knocking a catch to second slip after an attractive thirty.

So, Atherton’s not quite a heavy handed hack yet, but he’s getting there. We, in AYALAC, shall scrutinise his blossoming career with great attention.

Video 9: The Empire Strikes back

We're back in business!

Video 8: The Vaughan Identity

Full highlights from the second test match between New Zealand.

Sorry about the delay in posting this. Chocolate Easter Eggs got in my way

Michael Vaughan and the straight one

On the past two occasions of this tour that I managed to make it past lunchtime, England lost a wicket in the first over after the break. Last night, I repeated this feat. This time, two wickets were lost in rapid succession after the interval.

I took the hint and went to sleep.

But this morning, I was mulling over a weakness in Michael Vaughan’s technique. After extensive statistical study, I have found that if you pitch a ball on a length, hitting off stump, and then ensure that the delivery does not move off the pitch or through the air, then you have an 86% chance of castling the England captain.

Indeed, of all his dismissals, Vaughan has been bowled out 23%.

Last night was no exception. Jacob Oram, what King Cricket might call an “innocuousso”, dabbed the ball on a length and the ball, without deviation, hit the top of off stump.

In an interview, Vaughan said:

"Michael Vaughan is sad. :("

Suave might analysis this as a straight “FAIL”, but honestly, what is wrong with the England captain. Why is he so vulnerable to the straight ball? How can he be so good, and yet so rubbish?

Hoggard and Harmison dropped

So, in a not-at-all knee-jerk reaction, the England selectors have dropped both Matthew "I'm great" Hoggard and Steve “I’m useless” Harmison.

To me, this is madness.

Obviously, England wanted Harmison out.

I think the penny dropped when Michael Vaughan only gave four overs to Harmless during the second innings of the first test.

Captains, when touring, act as a final arbiter of who gets into the team, and clearly Vaughan lost all confidence in Harmison.

Nevertheless, I thought that Harmison would be retained for another match because he was not alone in the Rubbish Gang in the last match. Half the England team were members in that game. If they dropped Harmison, they’d have to drop others: like the Hoggler.

My reasoning was correct, but I got it wrong.

The England management were showing their players that THEY HAD BALLS and were MEN, REAL MEN.

On the surface, it seems fair: you play badly you get dropped; Harmison is being treated like everyone else.

But, in reality, this isn’t fair at all. Harmison is bowling in the same form as he has done for the past three years. He bowled slow and wide. He didn’t bowl as many wides as he did against the West Indies, so perhaps he’s even showing signs of improving.

Matthew Hoggard, on the other hand, has been consistent for England for years. He’s usually England leading wicket taker, and our chief threat. Last week he was under-prepared and had a one-off bad day.

He was dropped in favour of James Anderson by, in Vaughan’s words, “a gut feeling” and because “he apparently bowled well.”

“It’s a very tough call on Hoggy but we’ve gone with that and hopefully it will be the right decision”

Damn right it’s tough. Although the decision looks meritocratic and even-handed, it reveals an obvious bias in the England set-up.

How one bloke can persistently under-perform for years and still retain his place, whereas our best bowler, after one bad game, is dropped immediately and without hesitation, is astonishing.

You know what, sod you England. Sod you and your bloody press conferences.

Michael Vaughan doesn’t talk nonsense

Sorry for my prolonged absence, I was seeing family in Northern Ireland. Apologies. Here's a picture to prove it.

But in my absence I see that not only my fans went mad, but Michael Vaughan appeared to lose all his faculties and talk sense. Disturbing news indeed.

Ryan Hairybottom has recently received an injury that will probably rule out his participation in the forthcoming test series. It is clear to most observers that he has been England’s leading bowler since his re-debut nine tests ago.

On this Vaughan said,

“Hopefully over the next few days he’ll heal fast.”

Although a few hacks were baffled by “he’ll heal”, it was generally agreed that this sentence held some semantic content and was intelligible to those without PhDs in linguistics. In this continuing epiphany of clarity, he then added,

“He’s been a really good bowler for us.”

The attending press were genuinely astonished at the lucidity of these words, and there was some debate at when an England captain was last so clear. Although, some of the sceptical journalists from Newcastle suspected that the final “us” was actually a “Michael Vaughan” in disguise.

You know, you get a new perspective of life and, more importantly, cricket after a weekend away in Ireland.

You struggle not to sound so English in pubs, struggle to contain you Londonish impatience at having to wait for your Guinness to settle, struggle to take the dog for a walk without repeated random acts of conversation with strangers happening against your will, and you struggle to repress you inner rage at the rustic driving of your fellow road users.

It is at these moments that you realise that you are not only totally incapable of enjoying yourself on holiday, but of the need to devote your generally rubbish existence to the all-encompassing import of cricket. Take the cricket press away from man and you leave a shrivelled and searching soul.

It’s good to be back.

If this hasn’t placated the more vociferously deranged members of the audience, I make the following announcement: AYALAC has a brand new regular reader, in the form of my new baby niece.
Here she is considering my views on Pakistan’s batting order, and by the looks of her seven-day old face, she approves. She’ll slot in nicely with the rest of the readership, who are, generally, lazy, indolent and in need of someone to tell them what to think.

Ah, there’s nothing like a bit of gratuitous cuteness and general abuse to win back your followers

Stop the melon

I’m not happy today. This morning, as I was making my famous way through Tower Hill Station, I was accosted by what can only be described as a “Community Support Officer”.

“Ho!” said he, “Stop! I must search your bag.”
“No.” said I, “I’m late for work.”
“I don’t care,” said he, “I’m searching your bag.”

And, so he did; whilst his colleague directed asinine questions about my ethnicity towards my bored personage. After a sufficient proportion of my dignity had been removed (apparently, the line is drawn at examining the contents of potential terrorists’ lunchboxes) the original bastard proclaimed, “all clear!” Can you believe that? All clear? What was he worried about? Exploding sandwiches?

Anyway, I wish that someone stopped and searched Michael Vaughan’s brain before he decided to put Sri Lanka into bat.

No one has any idea how this brand new pitch is going to play. And, as such, don’t you think that it would be sensible if we tried to avoid facing Murali on this untested track on the fifth day?

I accept that England have to make the move to draw the series. But acts of spell-binding stupidity and maddeningly unorthodox gimmicks are occasional companions on Vaughan’s curious journey through the captaincy.

You know, this reminds me of the scale of political ideology. The more you move away from the right wing, you are strangely compelled to fascism. You hop from Nazism, conservatism, liberalism, socialism and then, before you know it, you’re Joseph Stalin and a total fascist. Similarly, if you try to be too clever, you end up being a melon.

“Why put in two slips,” he thinks, “when I cam have two short mid-wickets instead.” This is melon-talk, I’m afraid. Melon-talk.

Michael Vaughan jumps before he was pushed

The England team are becoming ever more sophisticated in their management of the press. In politics, before you announce a policy-change or a Big Move, you must “prepare the ground”. That is, leaking the story to the media, spreading rumours etc. to allow people to get used to the idea.

Yesterday morning, Graham Gooch published an article on the BBC website, calling for Vaughan’s resignation in ODIs and for Paul Collingwood to take over.

Later on, the gimp-like commentator on the “live update” section mentioned something about Vaughan’s impending resignation. I had my doubts, but I was used to the idea by the time it was finally announced in the evening.

I’m not sure that announcing a major decision in the middle of a test match was great timing, but their professionalism is improving.

I continue my opposition to this whole “dual-captaincy” business. It undermines the authority of the captain. It inhibits their creativity and limits their scope of action in man-management.

Every time it has been implemented, it has been in the context of a transition: from Hussein to Vaughan; from Taylor to Waugh; from Waugh to Ponting. The take-over period between Hussein and Vaughan was three months. Two captains is unsustainable. The problem is: who will replace Vaughan?

Andrew Strauss appears to be falling apart; Flintoff is utterly discredited; Collingwood is untried as a captain; Kevin Pietersen seems unhappy about the prospect. We have no idea where we are going or what we are doing.

To be honest, I think that Vaughan’s one-day batting was subject to the lunacy of the “go-slow” tactic, and seemed to improve when he cut lose. Moreover, he seems to be going because everyone is criticising him, with considering the consequences of destabilising the side further and without reference to any long-term plan. It’s a rubbish idea.

Ah well. No one listens to me.

Vaughan fingered

I was quite cheery this morning. There were elections all across the country yesterday and, being obsessed with politics, I was looking forward to getting stuck into the papers today. Then, imagine my horror when the uncharismatic sports presenter on BBC Breakfast announced terrible news:

Michael Vaughan has broken his finger in a recent Yorkshire game. According to the ECB he is “almost certain” to miss the first test, and probably the second test too.

Crash! Bang! Wallop! It happens again! In hindsight, this was inevitable. Two reasons: a) he’s English, and therefore fragile as hell; b) he’s Michael Vaughan, and therefore practically made of china. Now he’s broken bone china.

So! The England team, which hasn’t been in a chaotic crisis in a few weeks now, has another catastrophe to sort out. Will Andrew Strauss captain the first games? Well, according to my little test, Kevin Pieterson came out second best. But, this is only one test. It may be an opportunity to give Paul Collingwood some captaincy experience, as he has only thrice led Durham before.

Personally, I’m backing Matthew Hoggard, but most people don’t listen to me. Especially not important people. Anyway, back to the papers. I see the Tories have Lincoln now.

H'mmm... what will happen to Scotland's position in the English leagues if they vote for independence? I hope the ECB pulls out all funding for them. Actually, I hope the ECB does that anyway, regardless of the referendum. But then again, I'm a bit rabid when it comes to Scotland.

Competency testing England's captains

There has been a lot of discussion about the England captaincy, with the usual focus on the form of the captain fuelling the fire. Michael Vaughan’s one-day form has been unimpressive, with an average of only 20-odd, his place in the batting line-up has been a free wicket for opponents. Does this mean we should sack him? Well, no, I don’t think so.

The Ayalac minions have busily worked out criteria that could provide a competency test of the England role.

Scores will be given, out of ten in the following fields:

• Performance in tests.
• Performances in ODIs. All three disciplines are taken into account.
• Tactical awareness. Comprising innovation and nouse.
• Authority/leadership skills.
• Media management: how they deal with the press (out of five).
• Insight: what they say to the press (out of five).

Results

Player	Tests	ODIs	Tactical	Authority	MM	Insight	Total/50
Vaughan	8	4	8	8	4	4	36
Collingwood	6	7	5	6	4	3	31
Strauss	7	5	7	7	3	4	33
Bell	7	6	4	4	1	1	23
Flintoff	8	8	5	7	2	2	32
Pieterson	9	9	4	7	4	1	34
Bopara	0	6	4	3	0	0	13

These are some names that have been suggested for the job – I’ve also thrown in Kevin Pieterson because I have, in mad moments, pondered such a possibility. Judging by these numbers, he might be one to watch, too.

Strangely, and despite the heavy performance weighting, Vaughan comes out on top. This happens to the outcome that out-going coach, Duncan Fletcher, also favours. And in the terms of achieving stability and continuity in a notoriously unsettled role, this might not be a bad thing.

I would also suggest that England, if they are to change a captain, to do so in both versions of the game. England tried the two captains route a while ago: Michael Atherton took charge of the test team and Adam Holioke led the one-day side. It was a disaster. No one knew what was going on, and created further instability in the squad.

So, with this in mind, and the results of my scientific survey, it’s probably best to stick with Vaughan for another year or so. He’s a pretty good bowler, too. Keep him as an all-rounder. Stick in at number seven. No problem!

Tossing

Here is Graeme Smith tossing the coin before he lost to New Zealand. Observe his technique:

• Strong base, with feet a shoulder's width apart.


• Feet also athletic, allowing the body to stretch and extend.


• The tossing arm is raised and bent to maximise spinnage in the coin.


• Thumb erect for more accurate placement.


• Left arm shielding the eyes, in case of unexpected "spin back".

Poetry in motion. This man is an expert.

Compare with Michael Vaughan against Bangladesh.

This is a much more flamboyant technique.

Notice his left leg is slightly cocked, to allow maximum reach towards the stars. Moreover, you will observe that, unlike Smith, Vaughan's arm is not bent, it is erect. This is to ensure a greater elevation of the coin. Spinnage is sacrificed for height.

Furthermore, you will see that Vaughan does not use the "thumb" technique, but he extends the index finger, to pinpoint the exact trajectory of the coin.

Lastly, as opposed to Smith steady gaze at trained on the horizon, Vaughan is ascendant, glaring directly at the heavens. Indeed, his entire body is moving, urging him in an upwards. This is to make him look more like a fairy.

Vaughan: Back to Basics

I notice that the BBC stole my Michael Vaughan picture in the post below. Should I sue them? Best not draw attention to myself, really… Anyway, sorry for the repetition, but here’s some more Vaughan.

In a recent interview, Vaughan has claimed that England’s recent success is due to their “back to basics” approach. I normally associate back to basics with John Major’s desperate attempts to hold a divided and toppling government together in the face of inevitable annihilation. But I’m sure it’ll all be cheery for Vaughany.

Anyway, in this interview, the England captain believes big-hitters are not central to the England plan:

“Paul Collingwood is not that explosive, but he’s very, very valuable. JD [Jamie Dalrymple] is very explosive towards the end, Belly is a nice little player who knocks it around and KP [Kevin Pieterson] is coming back. These guys are all going to play their part.”

This cerebral, clear-thinking approach for Vaughan is really refreshing. It rejects the contemporary obsession with rope-clearing; it is not the only tactic worth considering. Building an innings in a deliberate and methodical way is just as effective when compiling a score. Rather like the old adage: “It’s not how, it’s how many”.

For Vaughan, England won in Australia because of

“…going back to basics, working together as a team, trying to prepare in a way that was specific to one-day cricket and then just having that little bit of luck. We got together and talked about every aspect of one-day cricket as a team – we left no stone unturned.”

This is a very interesting comment. It shows that England are willing to scrutinise their approach and diversify their tactics. One-day cricket is not about predictable variation (rotating bowlers and field settings for the hell of it) it’s about conforming to a carefully constructed plan and being flexible in the use of tactics. Similarly, when batting you must look to your team’s particular skill-set, and build a plan that emphasis and even exaggerates this natural advantage.

I have now convinced myself: Pinch-hitting is not the only method to victory.

It seems, rather like me, Michael Vaughan is challenging the hegemonic discourses that many take for granted. Is there nothing the man can’t do?