Cricketo con cojones

My copy of cricketwithballs.com's excellent new book has gone missing. As have my credit cards. Recently, I received some smug photos of Madrid sent to me anonymously.

Here's booky enjoying the sites outside the Plaza de toros de Vistalegre. He loves watching firey bulls going hard at it.

He then goes to see Carlos IV to exhibit himself at the Real Palacio de Madrid. Bastard.

It's an unknown fact that cricketwithballs.com loves views of massive cranes in actions. Bored of the culture, young booky catches some hot chocolate with churros.

Chris Tremlett bats Rest of the World to oblivion

Chris Tremlett senstationally pulls to dispatch the Rest of the World mega time to the Dustbin of History.

The Anguish of a Rejected Soul

Pity Lancastrians. They are sensitive types.

News that Michael Vaughan was not included in the England line-up hit the former England captain hard.

Chris Tremlett bowls out the rest of the world

In a grudge match between Chris Tremlett and the rest of the world, the Hampshire attack dog bowler dipatched the ROW's incredble line-up for a record score of seven.

What a guy.

Former England captain follows AYALAC’s leading path

We all know that cricket and art was first united by the hallowed halls of AYALAC HQ. It is an undisputable and uncontroversial fact.

Before I came along, artists, being naturally humble folk, shrank in the face of the game’s glory. Surely, they thought, only a true genius can capture the beauty of cricket.

A space large emerged only occupiable by a fish with a particularly awesome girth. It was time for AYALAC.

Now AYALAC has merged art and cricket into the international artform we enjoy today, Michael Vaughan has now tried his hand at it.

He has an interesting technique, based on Jackson Pollock’s method of paying local tramps to through balls at him, Vaughan refines the American artist’s sexual party games by hitting the balls at plan canvases.

The result is one of earth-shattering, spell-binding, thought-provoking, life-changing, premature baby-inducing beauty.

Vaughan has claimed that these pieces have been received well. Although people are sceptical when they here of a Northerner trying to be creative, says Vaughan,

"But then they see the finished works and they say, 'Shit!'”

And then they, he claims, they go on to add,

“'...they're actually good!' It really takes them aback, which is great. Almost everyone who's seen them has been hugely surprised."

Surprise is the first gate through the path of beauty. The second is having loads of freetime brought about by unexpected redundancy.

So, what do we think?

Don’t give up your day job.

Oh wait, YOU DON’T HAVE ONE.

Cricket with Balls is OLD

Can you remember what you were doing this time last year? More of the same, only with more hope?

This guy was founding a new global franchise and has used it to take over the internet.

He now has a million sites. Some of those follow useless domestic sides, others back hopeless local teams. Variety is the key word in CWB.

Occasionally, you might see some nudity. So go there. Go there now now!

KP's magic man milk

After I revealed KP's secret to success yesterday.

The Englanders leaked documents substantiating my libellous claims.

This was quoted from KP:

"YES MY PRETTIES! YES! DRINK! DRINK MY LIFE-GIVING MAN MILK SO THAT YOU MAY COME STRONG. STRONG LIKE YOUR WARM, LOVING MOTHER"

RoboPat is rubbish at the cricket

I don't care that I'm the only one that thinks that Darren Pattinson looks like Robocop. I don't care at all.

But the fact is: he does.

He really, really does.

In any case, as this photograph from the 1990s shows, Robocop was also liable to a pounding at the hands of the Saffers - his one weakness.

Graeme Smith eats babies

Proof positive.

How do deal with India

Obviously, these people have become a right pain in the neck. They’ve become the Russia of modern cricket. Pushing everyone around, and no one is really sure why. It’s as if they’ve got lots of nuclear bombs, or something.

First, they refuse to involve themselves in twenty20 cricket. Then some people think twenty20 is a good idea. The BCCI reverses its decision and attempts to cash in on twenty20 and sets about ruining the lives of anyone involved in the original “rebel” league.

The BCCI’s own “legitimate” league is a farcical, purely commercial affair that ignored its effects on any other country.

Following the “amazing success” of the IPL, a Champions League of between domestic champions from across the world is announced. As soon as it is publicised, the BCCI decide to remove the English, because some of their players thought that twenty20 was a good idea before they did.

Then, the BCCI unilaterally announced that the international players playing for their sides would remain in their Indian team, presumably, they will be forced to play against their own home side.

Now, all of this is fine. Where the line must be drawn is when they make you spend your entire day off queuing at the Indian Embassy in London.

These buggers must be stopped.

I reckon we should remove the Indian teams from the Champions League, except for perhaps the ICL sides, which should solve some of our player-overlap problem. Then we naturalise Geoff Boycott as an Indian citizen, and make sure he’s on the telly all the time. That’ll learn ‘em.

That'll learn 'em good.

Name Those Man Boobs: Answer

I was blown away to Lisa's stonking moob performance yesterday. Correctly identifying the man boobs of all three cricketers.

The answers were...

All natural man boobs.

Hey hey, we're the moobies.

Pasty man boobs, with light covering of ginger fluff.

Lisa's prize, moob connoisseur that she is, is well deserved:

Sadly, no one got the Bonus Boob, who was, of course, Graeme Smith.

Name That Bum #11: Answer

The answer to yesterday's Name That Bum was, of course, Jacques Kallis.

Congratulations to D. Charlton who was the first with a correct answer. Instead of the usual paintbrush masterpiece, I'll simply publish a photo D. Charlton sent me.

Tune in next week to see if you can...NAME THAT BUM.

AYALAC pledges its undying loyalty to the people of China

Today, we’re all snazzed up. AYALAC has acquired the use of a proper, grown up domain name. AYALAC is now registered in China.

You can access this site through the normal way, or through using the snazzy new domain name:

http://www.ayalac.cn/

If you feeling either parochial, or international, depending on your perspective, you can also get in via:

http://www.ayalac.co.uk/

In other technological news of whiz-bangery, I have re-uploaded the viddy-blog number 10, with much improved video and sound quality.

Apologies to my youtube subscribers for messing you all about with that, but this really is better. Actually, I'm not sure that it is. But, right here, right now, I'm caring less and less.

What can’t Stanford bugger off and save snooker or something?

Snooker is similar to cricket. It is considered, by those outside the game, a boring and pointless activity. To this sentiment, I generally concur.

Clearly, snooker needs a helping hand.

That is why the new Tell All Texans To Bugger Off And Start Messing About With Snooker starts here.

There’s an obsequious turd of a piece by Simon Wilde in today’s Sunday Times heralding Allen “Sir” Stanford's immanent messianic saving of English cricket.

In the words of a fine and ineffective ex-Prime Minister: “crisis, what crisis?” Forgive me if I’m fucking stupid in the brain, but hasn’t cricket been ticking over quite nicely without the interference of a moneyed yank who finds test cricket “boring”?

Oh wait. I idealistically forgot about cash. That’s the most important thing in cricket, right? I mean, that’s what it’s all about: making some former investment banker who used to keep wicket for Harrow Second XI as a light distraction from his bullying by the older boys and sexual harassment by the teachers, who now fancies a spot of cricket administration when he isn’t crunching on our hard-earned credit like a hungry, hungry hippo through adventerous German tourists.

But, the bankers say, if we set up a super-rich twenty20 competition, then Kevin Pietersen won’t leave us. And if he leaves us, we won’t have that stylised tart poncing about over the celebrity magazines, too concerned with highlighting and brain pedicures to mess about with getting runs for England. Heaven forefend the possibility of allowing in an English player who actually wants to play and try hard for his country.

I MEAN HEAVEN FOREFEND!

The future of the English Premier League is still under debate. We don’t know whether we’re going to get a two division system, or some artificial “regional” structure. Frankly, I don’t care. These discussions are rather like mulling over the fate of the battle’s survivors: should we bayonet them or squish them in a juice press?

Bastards. The lot of them. Why does cricket have to endure this whilst snooker is unmolested? What did we do to deserve this? Is it because we don’t wear snazzy waistcoats?

Sehwag Smash!

Once again, AYALAC inspires great feats of near super-human achievements.

After watching my latest viddy-blog, Virender Sehwag was overheard to have said,

“The video quality is a bit shaky, but by crickey, that has inspired me!”

He went on to biff an unbeaten 94 from 41 balls. This is not normally the sort of cricket I approve of; I prefer it when those figures are reversed. Better still if they are reversed, debited, credited and multiplied by the residual value,

Now there’s some spanking cricket.

But, for Sehwag, I make exceptions. You can mercilessly biff anyone like, Viru, even England (but not Somerset). And he accepted my offer, and used the opportunity to single-handedly win the match.

There seems to be a developing pattern to these IPL games. Each match has had some bloke go mental. The side with the mental bloke wins, it seems. Rather like rolling the dice, you might think… I know the truth.

By the way, you may, or may not have heard that the IPL, in a bid to extend public affection for them further, has banned the publishing of images taken at the matches onto the internet.

This is where AYALAC comes into its own. Not only do I paint you an original artwork straight from my creative consciousness to your puny, underpowered computer, but this is the only source on the internet where you can see, nay feel, the unfolding action of the IPL.

You are certainly lucky. Luckier than most. The rest don’t have AYALAC, and oh how they suffer.

Wisden’s Famous Five

Regular readers of AYALAC will know me to be a quiet, retiring sort of chap, who is loathed to give his opinion on many matters. Today, I will break that vow of polite reticence and give forth upon Wisden’s five bested cricketers of yesteryear went.

1. Ian Bell
How this he-goblin sneaked into the final five, the deranged and possibly power-mad new editor of Wisden alone knows. Perhaps it reflects the desperate dearth of batting talent in our nation side? Perhaps it’s an arrangement with a bookie?

2. Zaheer Kahn The only thing you need to know about Zaheer Khan is that he isn’t Anil Kumble. And even that is too much. Stupid left-arm seamers. They aren’t spinners. We wants spinners! Spinners that can captain and be resplendent. Zaheer Khan satisfies very few of these demands. I’ll put him down as another bookie boy.

3. Shiverine Chanderpaul This first of the Wisden Five to hold my approval. Bowling against Chanders is like playing Scrabble against Mr Memory from The 39 Steps – the only way to triumph is by shooting him. Unfortunately, the usually creative Michael Vaughan did not attempt this timeworn tactic.

4. Otis Gibson This was a left-field choice. Could me another bookie boy, but I doubt it. It smacks more of blackmail than corruption. Sure, the part-time kids’ show presenter had a great 2007, but so did Foot And Mouth Disease, and we don’t want to replicate that. Of course, he managed ten in an innings once, but so did the Indian captain, which again, underlines Otis the Aardvark's problem: he’s not Anil Kumble.

5. Ryan Hairybottom
Now then. Here we go. A real heavyweight. He is now, more or less, England’s only bowler. He made Steve “Cheap at half the price” Harmison looked daft. More so. And the Hoggard for Captain crew are unusually hushed. Siders has emerged from the county scene like a school bully graduating into the world of office management. He is perfectly placed scoff at the accountants for another year yet.

Surprisingly interesting results in Caribbean

I have been avoiding the Sri Lanka tour in the West Indies because I’m generally parochial and self-obsessed, but a match so exciting has come along it has forced us to consider something that isn’t me.

A tough ask, you might think, but this was genuinely a great match. Normally, ODIs that reach the last five overs of the second innings are classified as a “thriller”; those that reach the final over are “tense thrillers.” I’m not sure what you call this match, because it was won on the very last ball.

Maybe a “super thriller” or “thiller thriller”. You know its thriller, thriller night.Youre fighting for your life inside of killer, thriller tonight.

Our hero, our champion, our chief of the crabs, saw the Windes home with 63 from 63 balls. Chris Gayle also scored a captainly half century.

Plaudits also go to Chamara Kapugedera, who I thought was just some guy, you know, but turns out to be an aggressive and effective hitter of the nasty old women in the street with a stick mold. OK – she doesn’t look much, but you don’t want to get in the way of that lashing walking stick of death.

Is fifty over cricket the new twenty20? Of course it is. It’ll happen all over again with the IPL in a few years. Mark my words, sunny jim.

IPL yields to Ayalac pressure

Regular readers will know that AYALAC has long campaigned against the hypocrisy of Shoaib Akhtar's continued presence in the Indian Premier League.

AYALAC has longed railed against his inclusion, despite his five-year ban issued by the PCB, which we viewed arbitrary given the BCCI’s canvassing against ICL players’ participation in other domestic competitions.

IS Bindra, a member of the IPL governing council, after reading the AYALAC’s latest post, said:

"AYALAC is quite right. The scales have fallen from our eyes. Well done The Atheist.”

And then added,

“Shoaib has been banned by the Pakistan Cricket Board, and even though they have cleared him to play for IPL, we felt that international discipline needs to be respected. If he can't play for Pakistan, how can we play him? There will be no discipline left in the game, if we play him. It will set an unwanted precedent.”

This could be interpreted as an obvious rouse to influence other boards’ stances on ICL players, but we in AYALAC would rather consider it as another success for this blog and humanity in general.

Well done me.

Can we hate the BCCI more?

Of course we can, you goons! We already think that they are evil, bastards and even Nazis, but now it seems they are hypocrites.

Mushtaq Ahmed and Rana Naved Ul Hasan have gone for the ICL. They are also a bit old looking and probably don’t have too many seasons left in them. So, like any self-respecting knakered old geezer, they are finishing of their careers in a retirement home – English county cricket.

Seems reasonable? Ah, well that would be the wrong way to look at modern cricket. You need to put on your BCCI goggles. Here, I’ll show you what their world looks like:

THEY’RE OUT TO GET US!!! THE SWINES!!! THE SWINES!!!! THEY’RE TAKING OUR MONEY!!! MONEY!!! MONEY!!! WE MUST DESTROY THEM!!!! DESTROY THEM ALL!!! MONEY!!!

OK – you can take them off now. As you can see, it’s a heady vission, but it works for the BCCI.

Now, let us take another, seemingly unrelated episode: the Shoaib Akhtar affair.

Our ol’ mucker, Shoaib, is clearly mad. He attacks his fellow team mates with bats, insults his bosses and has generally made an idiot of himself for years. The PCB then metered out a five year ban.

The severity of this punishment obvious underlies the mismanagement of Pakistani cricket. Administrators cite “his continued attitude problems” as the reason. Imagine if all our bosses took this view: the Western economy would collapse.

Anyway, the PCB has banned Shoaib. So we can consider his career over. Wait…what’s this? He can still play in the IPL? That seems curious.

You would think that, given the BCCI’s stance on Mushie and Rana that they would, for the sake of consistency, apply the same standard to other players. Ah, but then you wouldn’t be wearing your goggles, would you? Reciprocity doesn’t happen when you wear your BCCI goggles, look:

OURS!!! HE’S OUR WIFE NOW!!1 MONEY!!! YOU CAN’T HAVE ANYTHING!!! GIVE IT ALL TO US!!! IT’S OURS!!!! EVERYTHING IS OURS!! MONEY!!!! MONEY!!!

Name that bum #2: Answer

The answer to the latest Name That Bum competetion was, of course, Makhaya Ntini. Easy!

Once again, the eerie determination of Suave, from Cricket Republique, won the day. Just like last time.

However, although I promised a poem composed in the honour of the winner, I also promised myself that I would never go through the hell finding rhymes for his bloody name again.

So, as I have the ol’ Paintbrush out, I will make a drawing to his Suaveness.
Tune in next week for….NAME THAT BUM.