Sunday, April 27, 2008

What can’t Stanford bugger off and save snooker or something?

Snooker is similar to cricket. It is considered, by those outside the game, a boring and pointless activity. To this sentiment, I generally concur.

Clearly, snooker needs a helping hand.

That is why the new Tell All Texans To Bugger Off And Start Messing About With Snooker starts here.

There’s an obsequious turd of a piece by Simon Wilde in today’s Sunday Times heralding Allen “Sir” Stanford's immanent messianic saving of English cricket.

In the words of a fine and ineffective ex-Prime Minister: “crisis, what crisis?” Forgive me if I’m fucking stupid in the brain, but hasn’t cricket been ticking over quite nicely without the interference of a moneyed yank who finds test cricket “boring”?

Oh wait. I idealistically forgot about cash. That’s the most important thing in cricket, right? I mean, that’s what it’s all about: making some former investment banker who used to keep wicket for Harrow Second XI as a light distraction from his bullying by the older boys and sexual harassment by the teachers, who now fancies a spot of cricket administration when he isn’t crunching on our hard-earned credit like a hungry, hungry hippo through adventerous German tourists.

But, the bankers say, if we set up a super-rich twenty20 competition, then Kevin Pietersen won’t leave us. And if he leaves us, we won’t have that stylised tart poncing about over the celebrity magazines, too concerned with highlighting and brain pedicures to mess about with getting runs for England. Heaven forefend the possibility of allowing in an English player who actually wants to play and try hard for his country.

I MEAN HEAVEN FOREFEND!

The future of the English Premier League is still under debate. We don’t know whether we’re going to get a two division system, or some artificial “regional” structure. Frankly, I don’t care. These discussions are rather like mulling over the fate of the battle’s survivors: should we bayonet them or squish them in a juice press?

Bastards. The lot of them. Why does cricket have to endure this whilst snooker is unmolested? What did we do to deserve this? Is it because we don’t wear snazzy waistcoats?

5 comments:

Hammy said...

It's because you don't wear cable-knit jumpers anymore.

Jrod said...

You can drink playing snooker as well. Some sports get all the luck.

Dave said...

Or better yet, can't he become an evangelical Christian and fuck off back to America to save some heretics? I quite like snooker I imagine Stanford's plan to save it would be halving the length of the table, halving the number of balls and doubling the size of the pockets.

And cheerleaders, obviously. Wanker.

The Atheist said...

Actually, I think snooker could use some cheerleaders.

It would probably settle down Ronnie when he's not at the table.

Tybalt said...

You can drink playing snooker as well. Some sports get all the luck.

Who says you cannn' drink wheh you play cricket? HUHN?!? Huh! I drin kzz all hte time when Ize play cricket ancd I NEVerer... uhn... oh fuck