Steve Harmison finds his spiritual self

The list of English players that are interested in participating in the up-and-coming IPL fiasco has been published.

Steve Harmison, troubled tourist, homebody quick and molly-coddled underachiever, has found that, after years of moaning, complaining and missing the soft, bountiful rain of Durham, he has, all of a sudden, developed a pining for foreign shores.

He likes warm weather after all. Sure, it turns him redder than a judge’s backside, but, what are you gunna do? Spend all day in the swimming pool?

He likes international food now. He can tolerate all of that foreign muck these days. Although, still, no one can do spaggi bol out a can like his mam can.

Of course, it’s a shame that the recent independence and glimmer of character has emerged only recently, leaving a legacy of spineless overseas performances and frittered test matches, but we England fans have long accepted to take anything that we are given.

Except, we won’t be given anything in this case, because he’s going to play for Madras Metal Works Ltd. Super Smelters' XI. But, anyway, it’s nice to know that, after all these years of promise, investment and attention, Harmison has finally decided to come out of his shell; once the world realised the sort of incentive he needed. He cares enough to give something back.

It was such a simple thing. Harmy never wanted much. Just huge piles of diamante. It’s almost shaming to realise how basic a man’s desires were, and how pitifully we let him down.

Good on you Harmy. We’ll be rooting for you to stay in India for as long as it takes for you to find the real you, and leave the unpredictable, whinging disappointing you behind. Really, stay for as long as you need.

By the way, take a look at this tee-shirts. They're pretty cool looking.

Harmison intervenes with tact and diplomacy

Steven Harmison, long-time complainant of the media, commentators and those who open their mouth before engaging their Id, has shamed them all by his dignified entrance into England’s management fiasco.

In case you have some sort of life with priorities beyond the petty feuds of ECB politics, Kevin Pietersen and Peter Moores don’t get on. It might be something to do with Moores’ denial of KP’s opportunity to lord it over Michael Vaughan like some magnanimous twat. Or it might be something as simple as Captain Fantastic being a disagreeable twat, who can’t get on with anyone. Like a twat.

In any case, the misfiring of their team, despite the sagely advice of Otis the Aardvark, has brought a wave of introspection, self-doubt and, inevitably, wonderfully, beautifully, BLAME.

As all losers know, you can’t spell “You’ve been Ka-Blam-eod!” without blame.

So, the symbol of stability, reliability and mental strength within the England fold, “Steady Steve” Harmison entered the fray. Although, not being Scouse, it reduces writers’ prospects of suggesting he might do this by saying “cam daun, cam daun” and jerk his arms about like a maddy. Although he is sufficiently Northern for this thought to creep into a blogger’s mind, but it impotently sits there, never finding voice for fear of producing an embarrassing and slightly wrong passage.

So anyway, after being interviewed by the BBC World Service, broadcasting his views to every living person with a radio, power source and English-Geordie phrase book, Mahatma Steve has forged peace within the troubled England team.

Peter Moores was heard to say,

“I thought that KP was a right twat, then I heard Harmison’s grating, whiney voice on the radio this morning, and I decided that KP wasn’t so bad after all. There are worse people out there.”

Walter Bagehot, in a second press conference, asked the lanky slip-tester what he had said to calm the warring factions. Harmison replied,

“Oh, not much really. We sportsman have a way with words. I just said, “Hey, guys, just mellow, yeah. Players come and go; both of you are temporary, ephemeral wisps of a whimper. Only Harmy remains constant. Cam daun, cam daun.””

England look strong, but only they care

Sorry for the long delay in posting, my life has sort of been turned upside down. Not like that of my mate, whose dad he thought was dead for the passed twenty years, popped over for tea one day. Mine's more of a “oh my god, I’ve not got a job” scenario.

Anyway, on to the important things. Kevin Pietersen is still England captain. Oddly enough, the ECB apparatchiks did not see the glaring idiocy of their ways. Now he’s making a total pig’s ear of it by winning a match.

Very un-English.

Hopefully, things seems to be preparing themselves nicely for a feeble collapse on the last day. I can’t wait.

Although he’s still GOD in my eyes, it looks like England have quietly forgotten Ryan Hairybottom. Now that Steve Harmison has decided that he’s no longer a flailing lank-a-tonk, the services of the left-arm seamer are no longer required.

That’s life in England cricket, toast of the table one day, and burnt toast in the bin the next. It’s good that we have departed from the bad old days. The days when players were handed single caps. The day’s where selectors had favourites, and kept picking them, no matter how many long-hops they bowled. We have come so far.

Tim Ambrose looks like he’s for the chop. I don’t really see why. His keeping still seems competent enough, but the fact that he’s no longer playing New Zealand has wrecked havoc with his average.

Who is going to replace him and does it really matter?

AYALAC says: no.

England provide need for on-pitch umpires

I had a really fantastic idea for a post this morning. A real hum-dinger. People for miles around would come to see this fantastical blog.

Then I went to work and forgot it.

Rubbish.

So I’ll just settle back into a comfortable default, and whine about Steve Harmison.

Oh Lord, how I hate Steve Harmison. Well, I don’t hate the man, I’m sure he’s fine in a bleating, bellyaching way. I just hate everything about him.

Now he’s back into the England set up. Rumour has it that he averages 21 in this season. That’s pretty good. And that he’s fast.

Although, fast long hops still get a pasting.

I put all these anecdotes down to The Usual Nonsense That Surrounds Harmison. Some people can’t get enough of the man. They see a lackey bloke, who chucks it down there at some pace and they become gibbering aunties: “Ooooh.” They say, “Isn’t he lovely?”

No. He’s rubbish. And he’s especially rubbish at cricket.

Worse still, Chris Read fans. What is wrong with these people? Alright, he’s an ok-ish keeper with wonky teeth, but if you listen to Read-fans you would have thought England have refused a place to Jesus H. Bradman.

Like Liberal governments and dead people, Chris Read is part of the past.

I’m getting worked up now. Who else winds me up?

I suppose the Geraint Jones lot are annoying. But they aren’t so numerous now that a court of law proved their champion USELESS.

Ooh. There’s another one: Jimmy Anderson. For some reason, there is a large segment of people out that cannot see that pants for the trees. Occasionally, he bowls a good swinging ball. But swinging long hops are still UTTERLY CRAP.

“Oh but” the Oh Buts always say, “He’s got good figures!”

Oh good figures. Piss off.

Hoggard and Harmison dropped

So, in a not-at-all knee-jerk reaction, the England selectors have dropped both Matthew "I'm great" Hoggard and Steve “I’m useless” Harmison.

To me, this is madness.

Obviously, England wanted Harmison out.

I think the penny dropped when Michael Vaughan only gave four overs to Harmless during the second innings of the first test.

Captains, when touring, act as a final arbiter of who gets into the team, and clearly Vaughan lost all confidence in Harmison.

Nevertheless, I thought that Harmison would be retained for another match because he was not alone in the Rubbish Gang in the last match. Half the England team were members in that game. If they dropped Harmison, they’d have to drop others: like the Hoggler.

My reasoning was correct, but I got it wrong.

The England management were showing their players that THEY HAD BALLS and were MEN, REAL MEN.

On the surface, it seems fair: you play badly you get dropped; Harmison is being treated like everyone else.

But, in reality, this isn’t fair at all. Harmison is bowling in the same form as he has done for the past three years. He bowled slow and wide. He didn’t bowl as many wides as he did against the West Indies, so perhaps he’s even showing signs of improving.

Matthew Hoggard, on the other hand, has been consistent for England for years. He’s usually England leading wicket taker, and our chief threat. Last week he was under-prepared and had a one-off bad day.

He was dropped in favour of James Anderson by, in Vaughan’s words, “a gut feeling” and because “he apparently bowled well.”

“It’s a very tough call on Hoggy but we’ve gone with that and hopefully it will be the right decision”

Damn right it’s tough. Although the decision looks meritocratic and even-handed, it reveals an obvious bias in the England set-up.

How one bloke can persistently under-perform for years and still retain his place, whereas our best bowler, after one bad game, is dropped immediately and without hesitation, is astonishing.

You know what, sod you England. Sod you and your bloody press conferences.

Harm him

It has not great to be a me this weekend. First off, England’s cricket team refound their inner cretin. Then our rugby team were humiliatingly awful. And this was all capped off with my ancestral football team, Bristol Rovers, receiving a severe kicking to knock them out of the FA Cup.

But from all this gloom emerged a positive development: everyone is saying how much they dislike Steve Harmison and they seem to mean in. Tim says he looked like a little boy (only a six foot five inches boy). JRod thinks that “drastic action” should be taken.

Even David Gower thinks that Harmison should be put down and killed – “for his own benefit”.

I have long gunned for Harmison. He seemed to be in the side because he was tall and Andrew Flintoff liked him. Whereas Ryan Hairybottom, a superior bowler for years, could not get into the team because he was slower.

But it’s what you do with it that counts. And Harmison sprays it around like adolescent porn star. We don’t want that; we want to see accuracy throughout the session.

The Sunday Times has published some interesting figures on the earnings of England’s players. As you could imagine, the captains and KP come out on top, with a yearly income over £400’000 ($807’520). I’m sure these inflated salaries are well worth it.

Interestingly, Harmison, on “Band B” earned £231’760 ($468’202) last year, which the Sunday Times calculates at £9’656 ($19’507) for each of his 24 wickets.

Under my calculations, the public purse could have invested this money into the National Health Service, and would have afforded four heart bypass operations or two hip replacements for each of Harmy’s scalps. However, it is worth noting that nearly a quarter of million quid has significantly improved the health of many batsmen around the world.

Harmison has been useless for years. In this test, he claimed that he was searching for the “million dollar ball.” How he thought that 80 mph wide long-hops was getting close to this target, I don’t know.

Indeed, his captain only trusted him with four wayward overs in the second innings. This is frankly shocking in a four-man attack.

Clearly, his potential has been over-indulged; Harmison is not going to do it. However, I am willing to bide my time. Other players, including Matthew Hoggard, had a poor much. Give Harmison one more game and once he fails again, be done with him.

It is prophetic that another talented player, long cosseted by the ECB, was given his last chance in New Zealand some years ago. Despite his obvious talents as a batsman, he averaged in the 20s, and kept many capable players out of the team. His name? Mark Ramprakash, of course.

England do loop-the-loop

You see, when you perform above aeronautical manoeuvre you don’t really go anyway, do you? And this effect is happening to England.

In any case, as I’m currently unemployed I like to spend my afternoons communing with nature on the beach. Today, there seemed to be an air-display. A rich mixture of noisy star-bursts and tightly choreographed buggering about in planes. Here’s a picture for your viewing pleasure.

England’s bowlers are rubbish. It’s difficult to say who’s worse. Steven Harmison usually puts his hand up for this position, but yesterday Matthew Hoggard had a rare off-day.

He bowled 26 laboured overs, resulting in 122 runs and only one wicket. People say he’s out of practice, but this is only making excuses. We expect more from you Hoggy, especially as you are so keen to become captain.

Harmison still delivers like a pizza take-away’s bazzed up teenager. No, you can’t have a bloody tip. YOU WILL GET TIPS WHEN THE PIZZA IS WARM.

That’s what they should say to Harmy. That and “fuck off”.

Ross Taylor? Who the flip is Ross Taylor? Has he promoted himself from presenting day-time television or something? How the hell can this goon score a century off the side that is aiming to beat Australia?

Right.

Who else am I angry at?

Oh, all of them, I suppose. I didn’t get any sleep because I was listening to those jokes arse around on a field. Then they made me wake up at four in the morning. The bastards. Then they made the video recording of the air-show rubbish. Stop me if I’m sounding too much like Suave.

Everything is their fault.

Harmison: oh go on then

I have repeatedly campaigned for Steve Harmison to be dropped and forgotten forever. Sometimes the ECB listens to the first part of my advice, but, crucially, ignores the latter.

However, in my old age, and the festive spirit, I have deemed to allow Harmison to play one more game. He did alright at the Sinhalese Sports Ground, I suppose. He didn’t take many wickets, but he did provide the English attack with the “cutting edge”.

Never mind the fact that bugger all was cut, and we spend most of the time collecting balls from the boundary.

I have accepted that my Chris Tremlett fantasy is a bit of a pipe dream. Plus, he’d probably not add too much to the equation. We have all accepted that we need three swingers and one bouncy bowler. And Monty.

Although, this deranged observer reckons we should drop the Sikh of Tweak for Graeme Swann! Graeme Swann!

Harmison: how quickly we forget

Now that Steve Harmison is away from test cricket, safe in South Africa to be molly-coddled and loved, he seems to be doing alright. He is playing for the Cape Cobras which is some sort of reptilian cricket team, or something.

Hillariously, he said he suffered from rustiness when he opened up with a series of wides and no-balls. Upon witnessing this, most Harmison watchers were pleased to see him back to normal.

Let’s be honest. Steve Harmison is a bit rubbish. Ok – he’s tall. Ok – he’s quick. But, if we were to be frank with ourselves and our mums, he is rubbish. But this glaringly obvious fact aside, Peter Moores, the England coach, has backed him, brushing blatant failure under the carpet:

"He had a tough last season. He struggled for form early on, then started to find some form, then got injured and missed the rest of the season, which was obviously disappointing for him.”

By "tough" Moores means "useless"; "got injured" means "increased in uselessness".

Ages ago, I accused him of being a Harmsprakash – some sort of hyper-talented beast that falls to pieces at international level. I stick by that. Especially when we have committed and performing bowlers like Ryan Hairybottom and Champion of the Nation, the People’s Captain, MATTHEW HOGGARD, it becomes harder to justify the self-obssessed Geordie’s spot in the side.

Let Harmison play for his snake team and let him slither out of international responsibility with Warne-like dignity.

In other news, the ECB has stopped responding to my emails regarding Matthew Hoggard. Their last one mentioned something about “harassment” and “lawyers”, but I think they must have been typos. They probably meant “Hoggy” and “is ace”.

Hole without Harmison or whole without harmison?

So England were denied a deserved victory by the gloom and rain. Some people are annoyed. I am not. I was more annoyed about missing Harry Potter on TMS. And I hate Harry bloody Potter.

This draw is exactly the sort of last-minute escape to Impending Doom that England have been inflicting on other superior sides for years. They had this coming.

Nevertheless, they were the better side. The England advantage came from one factor: swing bowling. English bowlers were better at controlling it, and English batsmen were better at playing it.

This next test, when the bowl presumably won’t be swinging as insane amounts as this last test, things should be more even. And hopefully the Indians are a little more adapted to English conditions.

Anyway, England showed their best bowling effort as a unit for years. Why? What explains the sudden change? I’ll tell you: no Steve Harmison. Not having that gangly liability leak away runs allowed a test quality group of bowlers to sustain pressure over a whole session, and keep the Indians honest.

All the quicks put in a better performance than Harmison in the past two years. Who would you drop for the man from Durham? I don’t think you can justify the replacement of any of the seamers from him. Harmison has shown us that he does not hold any influence on the game at test cricket.

A more taxing question is that of Matthew Hoggard. The Hogster is great. For a number reasons. However, who do we ditch for him? Surely not Chris Tremlett – as three swing bowlers is too limited. Ryan Hairybottom? Well he is old but, he’s our best bowler at the moment, so probably not wise. James Anderson? He’s bowled like a demon. What to do?

I really don’t know. It’s hard. Damn success and its blame-reducing potential. Bring back the glory years of relentless defeat. That's what I say.

West Indies try to recover some pride

With 450+ runs to get, another overseas defeat is certain for the West Indies. However, by posting 300-odd, they can regain some lost self-respect and put to bed these distracting administrative issues. With the Board messing about with the captaincy issue, they are not doing a destabilised and troubled side any favours. Adding another captain to the situation would only make matters worse.

In other news, Steve Harmison is bowling well. He bowled an entire over without conceding a wide. Heck! He even managed a wicket-maiden! With the appointment of Allan Donald, and the inclusion of Ben Harmison’s brother (Steve’s brother) as twelfth man, the Durham paceman seems to be responding well to the latest molly-coddling.

Apparently, he has had some technical changes to his action: adjusting his acceleration through the crease and giving himself more space during the delivery. I doubt whether these are actually genuine changes, but the alterations can aid the mental side. A reconstituted action appears to be assisting Harmison recapture his lost confidence.

I stick by my original comments for calling for his head. I’d still give him the rest of the summer. But I’m not sure whether the England cricket should focus its resources on “encouraging” a fragile Harmison. Undoubtedly an international sport attracts prima doners, delicates and eccentrics, but the question is how much time should we invest into these special cases? And are they worth the effort?

For sure, Harmison has the potential and occasionally looks dangerous, but so did Mark Ramprakash. When do you say that enough is enough?

Harmsprakash

Steve Harmison and Mark Ramprakash are like gods on the county circuit. This season, Ramps is already averaging over a hundred, on top of the 2’000 runs he scored last year. Harmison has nearly 500 first-class wickets, and frightens the pants off most county sides.

Yet, despite these men’s colossal status at the domestic level, they have failed to realise this ability in the international arena. Both men also have amazing dancing abilities.

The general consensus for Ramprakash’s international failure is his mental frailties, but also the management’s inconsistency in picking him. He was regularly in and out of the England side throughout the ‘90s, despite some fine performances. However, the “in-out” policy was well-set for the ECB at this point, it was for the players to force their way into the national side and to keep their place. Ramps was unable to secure his place.

Harmison’s career has developed in a different environment. The selector’s revolving door has been replaced by a long-term commitment to improve players, giving them a fair run over a number of series. (More or less.) Consequently, Harmison has remained in the side, despite his obvious failings.

The treatment of these two players is obviously very different. Yet the outcome is the same. The fault, therefore, is not with the ECB, but it lies elsewhere.

Moving individual responsibility aside, the next candidate for blame seems to be the county system itself. It has managed to identify and enhance the skills of two fine players. But it has not mentally prepared them for the rigours of international cricket. So I point the finger at the counties. Which is actually quite hard using only one finger.

By way of counter-example, one could highlight people like Paul Collingwood, a product of the county system, who has succeeded because he can rely on immense mental toughness. But it is interesting to note the Collingwood refined his abilities in Australian Grade Cricket.

Indeed, looking at Australian cricket in general, at all levels we see an intensity to the game, but most importantly, we see mental strength ingrained into players at State level. Conversely, if you watch a county match, you’ll wander about a pleasant ground, chatting to the bloke at fine leg. There is a completely different character to the game. It's nice - not tough.

This is not necessary because Australians are naturally unpleasant people – although this is a strong explanation. The mental aspect of the game can be enhanced, through re-designing of the county game, correct deployment of incentives, etc. But all these changes requires deep, structural reforms, not the technical, meaningless tweaks suggested by the Schofield Report. This serious failing of the county system needs to be addressed.

Harminson: time to go?

England’s bowling, the Montster aside, looked ineffectual over this game. Fast bowling is a serious problem for us. Seam was once a huge strength for England; it is the cornerstone of the English game. During 2005, we had three players capable of bowling at over 90 mph. Now we don’t seem to have any.

The Third Umpire reckons that Paul Collingwood was our best seam bowler. Indeed, I doubt any of the current fit bowlers would get into Australia or South Africa. Perhaps only Bangladesh would play them?

This is almost a crisis for England.

Henry Blofeld was unusually opinionated on TMS last night and argued that dropping Steve Harminson was the “kick up the backside” that he needed. All the “technical” faults, delivery flaws and niggles that were identified in Australia are still present. Either the man isn’t working hard enough on his game, or his doesn’t recognise that there is a problem. He therefore requires, thinks Blowers, a shock to the system to overcome his mental barriers.

I have some sympathy to this approach. Clearly, the current strategy of sycophantic cooing is not producing results. Huge wides and pacey long-hops are unforgivable crimes in Test Match Cricket. Cumulatively, they can lose matches, allowing the batsman to settle into a comfortable rhythm.

At 28, you rather feel that “potential” is not sufficient to hold a place in the international team. At the highest level of cricket, and with his experience, Harminson should be filling his boots. He is not. He is also taking up a place that could be used to invest in another player.

So, what alternative? Revert to the unimpressive trio of Anderson, Mahmood and Plunkett? They have been given plenty of chances, but have not delivered. How about skipping a generation? Calling up Graham Onions or Stuart Broad (when he’s fit)? How about returning to the past? Andrew Miller thinks that Andy Caddick or Darren Gough could be given a shot.

Whatever the solution, these are troubling times for English fast bowling. There is no bright prospect coming through: there’s no fiery Shaun Tait or Andre Nel character that could form the basis of a future attack.

This is why England have stuck with the expensively poor Harminson: he is the only fast bowling spark we have. This is a mistake, however, as retaining him in the side is doing neither him nor his country any good. I’m afraid I think he should go.

This doesn’t have to involve a permanent elimination from the side, but perhaps just a temporarily cold shoulder to move the onus back onto Harminson to earn his place.