Hoggard’s captaincy

Be careful what you wish for. Years ago, I started a campaign for Matthew Hoggard, hammer of the metrosexuals, to be appointed captain of the England cricket team. Considering that he was beaten to the post by Kevin Pietersen, England once again overlooked my sagely advice.

However, for flimsy reasons, Hoggard was expelled from the England side for good. Another badly treated player, despite talent and good heart.

Replicating his success with England, Yorkshire also sacked him, despite years of service and being from Yorkshire. Which, apparently, counts for something up there.

So. Off he went to Leicestershire. Suicidally, they gave him the captaincy.

What could go wrong with giving the leadership and future of your entire team to man whose autobiography boasts that “he’s mad as a box of frogs”?

Last weekend, I watched Hoggard’s captaincy with interest. Essentially, it involved give the ball to his excessively tall spinners and watch Surrey do the jig of asthmatic doom. He was perhaps overcautious. Refusing to place a silly point, despite the ball lobbing up there repeatedly, and a massive first innings lead.

What struck me about Hoggard was that strangely corporate approach to management.

Of course, giving Hoggard an entire team to shape in his image was asking for trouble. Will Jefferson, for instance, loudly followed a train of thought from mentioning Nelson, then musing on Nelson Mandela and then a few tasteful references to Robin Island.

The captain, however, was the king of the endless dribble. Hoggard’s late session bleating about varieties of wine, Guinness and Bulmer’s eventually faded into the background. Much like the irritating nagging of an unwanted grandmother. AYALAC, as you would have noticed, is all for mindless, non-sensical chatter. But it's all about the context.

Weirdly, it was Hoggard’s insistence for “energy” that struck me. This rang discordant bells of shitty managers from years ago. Managers that would use phrases like “gang”, “guys” and “let’s do this!” Managers that used mindless dribble as a force for evil - instead of good.

Players that didn’t produce sufficient quantities of mindlessly bleating were publicly admonished. When a boundary was scored after the dressing down was delivered, the person would be isolated further with a few more barbs.

Occasionally, Hoggard would muse at length at the verbal reticence of targeted individual. The team would fall into an embarrassed silence. The worst way to build a team’s “energy” is by an authority finger victimising them with sarcastic comments.

Today the Hoggard for Captain Campaign dies. With regret.

Wisden about town

I have been recently informed that The Wisden Cricketer has published another piece of mine. This was the first I'd heard of it, so acquired the latest edition first thing in the morning.


I was feeling generous. So, I offered a temporary work experience position to the magazine. It could shadow for the day, and learn the ropes of being me.


Here we are at the start of the journey. Angry at the morning commute.

The magazine's getting into the swing of things - just look at those eyes.

8 o'clock. On the District Line. And sure enough: there's my piece. I forgot I wrote that. Happy days.

I wonder whose shoe that is?

Towards the end of the journey, I realise there's a large piece on my favourite topic: Matthew Hoggard. Look at the handsome fellah.

It's lunchtime. I decide to take Hoggy with me. We head down the King's Road.

We go to look for sandwiches. The Hoggler spots some nice shoes.

And pants.



After a honest day's work is complete, it's time to rush home.

And reward ourself with a lovely cup of tea.

Hoggy for Cappy

England’s knee-jerk efficiency is far too difficult to keep up with these days. They have already appointed their best twat to lead the team in both formats.

KP, the Greg Rusedski of the England team, was shockingly elected ahead of Matthew Hoggard.

Pre-empting Englishers' Sunday apathy, they tried to prevent a national Hoggard For Captain movement, by imposing a foreigner as king. It’s rather like the Glorious Revolution, only with less style.

Although bringing back the ruff for England’s ODI kit wouldn’t be a bad thing. They'd probably look more normal than in their whites.

So, seeing as the ECB are being a pack of right old bastards, I have no qualms in retrospectively re-launching a Hoggard For Captain campaign.

That he cannot get into the side is an irrelevance. Look at Michael Vaughan. He should be brought in as a specialist captain, and perhaps promoted to number three to sure-up the upper order.

So I urge you all, with every ounce of your misdirected energies, with all the distracted motivation that you can muster, to send the following letter to the ECB.

Dear England,

Please can you sack Kevin Pietersen and install Matthew Hoggard to his rightful position as England captain. It is not too late to change your mind. Big men admit when they’re wrong. Look at Darrell Hair.

You wouldn’t want to be like him now, would you?

There are numerous reasons why you should select the Yorkshire Destroyer as captain. He is one of the most capped men in the country. His cricketing head is truly unparalleled. His ability to play a captain's innings has been proven time and time again.

Another advantage is that he’s English. One more might be that he’s not Kevin Pietersen.

Please comply with my wishes. The ECB is funded by the Government through MY tax money (although, for tax reasons, I actually live in Greenland) so it is only my democratic right to issue authoritarian decrees to the national cricket team.

Yours in hope,

NAME (YOURS)

Send that to feedback@ecb.co.uk. Let me know if you get any responses.

News just in: Pietersen has promised to mould the England team in his own image.

God help us all.

Hoggy betrayed

So England have not selected the Hogster for the first test against the Kiwis. Instead, they picked James Anderson, who is cricket’s answer to trouser burns.

Normally, watching England cricket is enough to land you in a self-harm clinic, but there is some hope that England might beat the Kiwis in their first crack at the New Zealand lads in ages.

Do you remember, if you can caste your mind back long enough, the press feelings before the last test? Do you remember? Well, in case you are not 80, like I am, I shall remind you: The media was convinced that we going to crush the Kiwis by an innings in every game. Including the one-dayers.

And what happened? We won some games here. They one some games there. It was like watching two lobotomised quadriplegics trying to play “flip the coin.” Of course, there could only be one winner in such a contest: the coin.

And so the ten pence piece was awarded a Man of the Series award and later attempted to bring down a government. The coin seems more successful in its meeting objectives than Anderson.

In any case, the series was not an over-whelming display of skill.

It is worth noting, however, that the rightful captain of England can exculpated from this comedy of errors, this farrago of farces, this fete of fakes, this festival of farts. He wasn’t there at all (if you completely ignore his presence).

And yet despite these cast-iron and only slightly wrong facts, the England selectors have picked some goon that can’t even decide which side of the wicket to bowl his long-hops.

Ah well, one last opportunity for Anderson to prove to us all that he’s really not right for test match cricket. Besides, there’s no way that he’s captaincy material.

Bring back Hoggy.

Hoggard and Harmison dropped

So, in a not-at-all knee-jerk reaction, the England selectors have dropped both Matthew "I'm great" Hoggard and Steve “I’m useless” Harmison.

To me, this is madness.

Obviously, England wanted Harmison out.

I think the penny dropped when Michael Vaughan only gave four overs to Harmless during the second innings of the first test.

Captains, when touring, act as a final arbiter of who gets into the team, and clearly Vaughan lost all confidence in Harmison.

Nevertheless, I thought that Harmison would be retained for another match because he was not alone in the Rubbish Gang in the last match. Half the England team were members in that game. If they dropped Harmison, they’d have to drop others: like the Hoggler.

My reasoning was correct, but I got it wrong.

The England management were showing their players that THEY HAD BALLS and were MEN, REAL MEN.

On the surface, it seems fair: you play badly you get dropped; Harmison is being treated like everyone else.

But, in reality, this isn’t fair at all. Harmison is bowling in the same form as he has done for the past three years. He bowled slow and wide. He didn’t bowl as many wides as he did against the West Indies, so perhaps he’s even showing signs of improving.

Matthew Hoggard, on the other hand, has been consistent for England for years. He’s usually England leading wicket taker, and our chief threat. Last week he was under-prepared and had a one-off bad day.

He was dropped in favour of James Anderson by, in Vaughan’s words, “a gut feeling” and because “he apparently bowled well.”

“It’s a very tough call on Hoggy but we’ve gone with that and hopefully it will be the right decision”

Damn right it’s tough. Although the decision looks meritocratic and even-handed, it reveals an obvious bias in the England set-up.

How one bloke can persistently under-perform for years and still retain his place, whereas our best bowler, after one bad game, is dropped immediately and without hesitation, is astonishing.

You know what, sod you England. Sod you and your bloody press conferences.

England do loop-the-loop

You see, when you perform above aeronautical manoeuvre you don’t really go anyway, do you? And this effect is happening to England.

In any case, as I’m currently unemployed I like to spend my afternoons communing with nature on the beach. Today, there seemed to be an air-display. A rich mixture of noisy star-bursts and tightly choreographed buggering about in planes. Here’s a picture for your viewing pleasure.

England’s bowlers are rubbish. It’s difficult to say who’s worse. Steven Harmison usually puts his hand up for this position, but yesterday Matthew Hoggard had a rare off-day.

He bowled 26 laboured overs, resulting in 122 runs and only one wicket. People say he’s out of practice, but this is only making excuses. We expect more from you Hoggy, especially as you are so keen to become captain.

Harmison still delivers like a pizza take-away’s bazzed up teenager. No, you can’t have a bloody tip. YOU WILL GET TIPS WHEN THE PIZZA IS WARM.

That’s what they should say to Harmy. That and “fuck off”.

Ross Taylor? Who the flip is Ross Taylor? Has he promoted himself from presenting day-time television or something? How the hell can this goon score a century off the side that is aiming to beat Australia?

Right.

Who else am I angry at?

Oh, all of them, I suppose. I didn’t get any sleep because I was listening to those jokes arse around on a field. Then they made me wake up at four in the morning. The bastards. Then they made the video recording of the air-show rubbish. Stop me if I’m sounding too much like Suave.

Everything is their fault.

Who is better: Warne or Murali?

The answer, of course, is Matthew Hoggard. In blasting away four Sri Lankan batsman in their over-whelmed first innings attempt, Hoggy has proven his quality and me right. In the second innings, he has taken a wicket, despite losing the use of a leg and his right eye.

After a six months absence, you would have expected him to be a bit Harmisony, but not a bit of it.

The wonder of Hoggard’s consistent amazingness is inexplicable to me as my television’s constant demands that I press some mysterious red button.

Effortlessly blowing the opposition away like the smell of fresh summer roses being expunged by the clattering arrival of the refuse collectors is impressive in itself. But given the unfriendly conditions and limited swing, it provides mathematical proof that Hoggard is some sort of fluffy Yorkshire swing-bowling god.

I’m starting to doubt my Hoggard for Captain Campaign, as this will probably mean that he couldn’t be Prime Minister. Although, I don’t know. There is no law against holding both positions simultaneously; PMQ’s are held on Wednesday and test matches don’t start until Thursday. It sounds like a perfect job-share.

Harmison: how quickly we forget

Now that Steve Harmison is away from test cricket, safe in South Africa to be molly-coddled and loved, he seems to be doing alright. He is playing for the Cape Cobras which is some sort of reptilian cricket team, or something.

Hillariously, he said he suffered from rustiness when he opened up with a series of wides and no-balls. Upon witnessing this, most Harmison watchers were pleased to see him back to normal.

Let’s be honest. Steve Harmison is a bit rubbish. Ok – he’s tall. Ok – he’s quick. But, if we were to be frank with ourselves and our mums, he is rubbish. But this glaringly obvious fact aside, Peter Moores, the England coach, has backed him, brushing blatant failure under the carpet:

"He had a tough last season. He struggled for form early on, then started to find some form, then got injured and missed the rest of the season, which was obviously disappointing for him.”

By "tough" Moores means "useless"; "got injured" means "increased in uselessness".

Ages ago, I accused him of being a Harmsprakash – some sort of hyper-talented beast that falls to pieces at international level. I stick by that. Especially when we have committed and performing bowlers like Ryan Hairybottom and Champion of the Nation, the People’s Captain, MATTHEW HOGGARD, it becomes harder to justify the self-obssessed Geordie’s spot in the side.

Let Harmison play for his snake team and let him slither out of international responsibility with Warne-like dignity.

In other news, the ECB has stopped responding to my emails regarding Matthew Hoggard. Their last one mentioned something about “harassment” and “lawyers”, but I think they must have been typos. They probably meant “Hoggy” and “is ace”.

Hoggler: Plunges through Times

More observant readers will notice that the coloration between the content of this blog and the London Metro is very strong. Indeed, one may even gain the impression that the only research involved in the composition of these pieces is a brief scan of that paper’s excellent cricket section during the morning commute.

Well you would be wrong.

Today Ayalac turns to that most authoritative of organs: the Private Eye. It is reported therein the following quote, by Matthew Hoggard, on the Times newspaper:

“Well, there’s a lot of shite in the Times.”

Apparently, our Hoggy forgot that he regularly contributed a column to the Times. And who could blame him?

I used to be a reader of that most ancient of broadsheets, but now, on the suggestion of the His Highness The Hogler, I must now look elsewhere. Although, he didn’t actually say that you shouldn’t read shite. Maybe he enjoys it.

If so, this that massively improves the chances of his reading this blog. WE LOVE YOU HOGGY!

In other news, Paul Collingwood has caught the dreaded Dorset Ebola. No one really know who is going to captain England. If Andrew Flintoff has recovered from his Dorset Knee, he might.

I doubt it though – he's discredited. Perhaps It should be Kevin Pietersen? He is being his usual arse-ish self about how he’s the real captain, and Colly’s just a puppet or something. I don’t really listen to what he says. I just stare at his genius forehead. One day, I can kiss it. In worshipful thanks for his batting. But only if he’s quiet, like a nice boy.

We all really know who should be captain, though, right?

Yes. That’s right. It is a slow news day.

ECB spills the sour beans

I have been trying to squeeze information out of a faceless ECB bureaucrat over the last few months. Partly about the captaincy situation, but chiefly to badger them to accept the logic of the Matthew Hoggard for Captain campaign.

At the announcement of the ODI vacancy, I naturally upped the ante and insisted on Hoggy’s promotion. I hoped you played your part, too. The response was not good. Sadly, I can officially provide an off-the-record leak and announce that Matthew Hoggard will not be the next England one-day captain.

This is a bitter blow to all those who believe in truth and justice. Therefore, in the best tradition of shamelessly abusing your position of trust, I will publish the entire email correspondence between myself and the ECB lackey. Like most of humanity, I doubt the faceless bureaucrat reads my blog, so I shan’t be at risk of being sued. You might, though, for reading it.

Me: Dear ECB,

Please could you appoint Matthew Hoggard as England's next captain. I think he's really good, and like his hair. I also think he's good at bowling.

Kind regards,

The Atheist

P.S. Would it also be possible if you could make Monty Panesar captain, too?

He: Dear The Atheist,

Hmm, don't think we can make everyone captain. Sure Matthew would appreciate the compliment though!

Kind regards,

Faceless Bureaucrat

Me: Oh yes. I didn't think about that. Well. How about making Matthew Hoggard captain on some days, and Monty Panesar captain on others. Like they do in the army. Hope this helps.

He: Think we might stick with one, hopefully fit, captain for the duration!

Me: OK - But will you promise, when this one falls over his slippers, you will make Matthew Hoggard captain?

He: not my decision, which everyone will be glad to hear! enjoy the summer's cricket

Me: OK. Who do I need to contact to secure this promise?

He: Sorry, The Atheist. no-one is going to promise you that we're going to make Matthew Hoggard captain, or anyone else. Michael Vaughan is England captain. Andrew Strauss is captain for this Test, and Michael will hopefully return next week.

Me: So, you are saying I need to make a case somewhere? That makes sense. I'm a tax-payer, and my taxes go into the England team, so I should have a say in it. That's democracy: no taxation without representation. Who should I talk to state my case? Or should I present a petition?

He: to resolve this one finally; it's a decision taken by the England Selectors, appointed by the ECB Board to select the England team. It's not a democratic decision at all

Some time passes here. I try to use lying to get my way.

Me: Seeing as Hoggard is fit again, will you appoint him as captain? I heard that Vaughan has a tummy bug.

He: Hello. No. Michael Vaughan is captain for the foreseeable future

A little later, Vaughan announces his stepping down from the ODI captaincy. My big chance to make the case for Hoggy. Clearly is it is water-tight.

Me: Now the time is ripe. The moment is here. Surely, the ECB must appoint their most experienced campaigner to the newly available captaincy? Surely, now is the time for Matthew Hoggard?

I have thought long and hard about this. There is no possible reason you could give me that would convince me that Hoggy is not the man for the job. He is a perfect candidate; it makes your life easier; and his leadership will win you lots of games. Even the World Cup. You are lucky that this is going to be a simple decision. There's no contest.

I would be willing to give you advice on a permanent consultancy basis, if would prefer to have my expertise on tap? I could be like Allan Donald. Only cheaper. And better.

He: Thanks for the offer. Think we'll stick with Allan Donald for bowling consultancy for now! New ODI skipper and squad will be announced on Friday morning on the site

Me: Great. So, can you confirm Hoggy's promotion? I promise not to leak it. It'll just be our little secret.

He: Think you may be disappointed on that front.

What a blow! A Sad day. A sad day for us all.

The moment is ripe

It seems as though Kevin Pietersen and Paul Collingwood are now vying for the captain’s spot, now that Michael Vaughan has kicked the limited-overs bucket.

I think most people would agree that KP is probably the better long term prospect, but Colly perhaps would be more amenable to sharing the role with Vaughan.

I think most people are wrong. Now is the time for great men to stand up. To stand up and be counted. To stand up and to sit down again.

Now is the time for Matthew Hoggard.

I have long championed his cause. Yes, he’s not in the ODI side. But he should be. And he should captain it.

So, to further my campaign, I will be calling you to implore the ECB to heed the pleas of the masses. Please send the following email to the ECB, at this address:

Dear ECB,

I think Matthew Hoggard is great. Not only I think this, but many other sensible people, too. I am told that Hoggard is one of the most experienced players in the England team. This means that he would be great at being captain. Like Mike Brearley, or Bobby Moore.

Now that Michael Vaughan has resigned the one-day role, now is the time to entrust the Hogster with his right. HOGGY FOR CAPTAIN!

Kind regards,

Adoring Fan

Flintoff: not perfect?

Recent Ayalac surveillance footage has uncovered some disturbing evidence. Seeing the rising tide of my “Matthew Hoggard for Captain” Campaign, it seems as though Andrew Flintoff has jealousy struck out against the Hogster.

Clearly, such was the force of this impact, that it rippled into Hoggy’s great groin. Matthew Hoggard may miss the next test match, such are the injuries.

First, I was unsure about Flintoff. Now I think I officially am leaning towards not worshipping as much as I do the other England players. I even beginning to look at Flintoff’s recent records with some suspicion: we all acknowledge his batting isn’t great, but I’m started do doubt his bowling.

Am I becoming a monster?

Best put that thought to the back of the mind and rally under the HOOGGY FOR CAPTAIN flag.

Matthew Hoggard for captain

OK - my last post didn't really work out as planned. But this is the internet-land, and I can start again.

Matthew Hoggard should be captain. It is time for him to put his hand up, and accept his rightful responsibility. The campaign starts here.

I imagine that Hoggy is quite a modest bloke, who wouldn’t be seen dead as skipper. This is why we must force him.

Gather together as many bloggers as you can. Send the ECB emails proclaiming the heroism of the Hoggler. The media has pushed around the England team throughout the winter. And we can do it again now. Heed the call.

HOGGY FOR CAPTAIN!

[This campaign is only a stop-gap measure until Monty has a few more tests under his belt. When he is sufficiently experienced this campaign will automatically rename itself the MONTY FOR CAPTAIN CAMPAIGN. Thank you.]

Hoggard: England’s hidden big cat

Look at this man. He’s like a growling lion, resplendent in his mighty mane, ready to unleash his might at any moment.

“Ha.” Say the batsman, “he’s just a swing bowler.”
“Roar,” says Matthew Hoggard.
And the batsmen run away like girls. Like girls I tell you.

Much has been made of England’s future captain. Generally, teams either pick their best player, or their most experienced campaigner. England picked their best in Andrew Flintoff, but he turned out to be rubbish.

So, who’s our most experienced player? Unfortunately, it turns out to be Freddie again, with 67 Test caps. However, next in line is Hoggard, with 62 Tests.

Now, why isn’t Hoggy considered for the role? Well, mainly because he’s a bowler and he looks like a farm boy. But this is prejudice. Even I over-looked him.

I have previously lamented on cricket’s refusal to select bowlers as captains. There is no justification for this systematic neglect of plentiful source of knowledge. I reckon that Hoggard knows a thing or two about field placements. He knows about bowling. What more do you want your captain to do?

This rank prejudice is infuriating. It is about as annoying as my post-pub Star Trek experience last night. For some unfathomable reason, the entire crew of Voyager decide to visit nineteenth century Ireland. What the hell? You are in space! Can’t you go somewhere more interesting than a damp little island?

My mum is Irish. Most of my relatives are Irish, but none of them ever spoke like those in Star Trek Ireland. You could understand them for one. The streets were clean. The sun shone. The children weren’t impoverished little toe-rags. Had the aliens taken Ireland over? What was going on?

Star Trek really bothers me. It’s so human-centric. All the alien characters are derided because they don’t understand our ways. No, you idiots, they’re aliens; they are a different species. Spock cannot laugh because he is physiologically incapable of it. Just once, I’d like to see the tables turned. Just once I’d like to see an alien teach a human how to KA-BLANGIN, which involves the secretion of bodily fluids from the knees.

“Come on, puny earthling, hurry up and KA-BLANGIN.”
“I’m trying…”
“I will help you with my sword.”
“AAAAAIII!”
“Now you understand our ways.”

How did a sane post about Matthew Hoggard turn into a rant about Star Trek? Anyway,
Hoggy: Good.
Star Trek: Bad.