Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Hoggard: England’s hidden big cat

Look at this man. He’s like a growling lion, resplendent in his mighty mane, ready to unleash his might at any moment.

“Ha.” Say the batsman, “he’s just a swing bowler.”
“Roar,” says Matthew Hoggard.
And the batsmen run away like girls. Like girls I tell you.

Much has been made of England’s future captain. Generally, teams either pick their best player, or their most experienced campaigner. England picked their best in Andrew Flintoff, but he turned out to be rubbish.

So, who’s our most experienced player? Unfortunately, it turns out to be Freddie again, with 67 Test caps. However, next in line is Hoggard, with 62 Tests.

Now, why isn’t Hoggy considered for the role? Well, mainly because he’s a bowler and he looks like a farm boy. But this is prejudice. Even I over-looked him.

I have previously lamented on cricket’s refusal to select bowlers as captains. There is no justification for this systematic neglect of plentiful source of knowledge. I reckon that Hoggard knows a thing or two about field placements. He knows about bowling. What more do you want your captain to do?

This rank prejudice is infuriating. It is about as annoying as my post-pub Star Trek experience last night. For some unfathomable reason, the entire crew of Voyager decide to visit nineteenth century Ireland. What the hell? You are in space! Can’t you go somewhere more interesting than a damp little island?

My mum is Irish. Most of my relatives are Irish, but none of them ever spoke like those in Star Trek Ireland. You could understand them for one. The streets were clean. The sun shone. The children weren’t impoverished little toe-rags. Had the aliens taken Ireland over? What was going on?

Star Trek really bothers me. It’s so human-centric. All the alien characters are derided because they don’t understand our ways. No, you idiots, they’re aliens; they are a different species. Spock cannot laugh because he is physiologically incapable of it. Just once, I’d like to see the tables turned. Just once I’d like to see an alien teach a human how to KA-BLANGIN, which involves the secretion of bodily fluids from the knees.

“Come on, puny earthling, hurry up and KA-BLANGIN.”
“I’m trying…”
“I will help you with my sword.”
“Now you understand our ways.”

How did a sane post about Matthew Hoggard turn into a rant about Star Trek? Anyway,
Hoggy: Good.
Star Trek: Bad.

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