Monday, August 04, 2008

Hoggy for Cappy

England’s knee-jerk efficiency is far too difficult to keep up with these days. They have already appointed their best twat to lead the team in both formats.

KP, the Greg Rusedski of the England team, was shockingly elected ahead of Matthew Hoggard.

Pre-empting Englishers' Sunday apathy, they tried to prevent a national Hoggard For Captain movement, by imposing a foreigner as king. It’s rather like the Glorious Revolution, only with less style.

Although bringing back the ruff for England’s ODI kit wouldn’t be a bad thing. They'd probably look more normal than in their whites.

So, seeing as the ECB are being a pack of right old bastards, I have no qualms in retrospectively re-launching a Hoggard For Captain campaign.

That he cannot get into the side is an irrelevance. Look at Michael Vaughan. He should be brought in as a specialist captain, and perhaps promoted to number three to sure-up the upper order.

So I urge you all, with every ounce of your misdirected energies, with all the distracted motivation that you can muster, to send the following letter to the ECB.

Dear England,

Please can you sack Kevin Pietersen and install Matthew Hoggard to his rightful position as England captain. It is not too late to change your mind. Big men admit when they’re wrong. Look at Darrell Hair.

You wouldn’t want to be like him now, would you?

There are numerous reasons why you should select the Yorkshire Destroyer as captain. He is one of the most capped men in the country. His cricketing head is truly unparalleled. His ability to play a captain's innings has been proven time and time again.

Another advantage is that he’s English. One more might be that he’s not Kevin Pietersen.

Please comply with my wishes. The ECB is funded by the Government through MY tax money (although, for tax reasons, I actually live in Greenland) so it is only my democratic right to issue authoritarian decrees to the national cricket team.

Yours in hope,

NAME (YOURS)

Send that to feedback@ecb.co.uk. Let me know if you get any responses.

News just in: Pietersen has promised to mould the England team in his own image.

God help us all.

7 comments:

Dave said...

In the absence of the The Hoggler, perhaps it's time for the Hairybottom for Captain campaign?

Straight Point said...

so there will be two SA team on international stage?

Jrod said...

I liked the touch of you actually putting the ecb email there, and the fact they actually have a feedback section, gutsy bastards.

Anonymous said...

But. But. buh.... Hoggy is a baaaaaawler!!!!! sez The England Selectorati.

Catherine said...

I actually almost send the email, it was that good. The only thing that stopped me was the fact that I don't live in Greenland.

Dave said...

I don't live in Greenland either, Catherine, but the ECB aren't to know that.

Miriam said...

I'm contemplating moving to Greenland in order to send the email.