Rest Freddie?

The battle of the limping wounded will be chiefly decided by whose bags of deformed crocks will fall to pieces first.

With Brett Lee’s gammy side and Mitchell Johnson’s sideways sense of gravity, the Australian cause looked damned by the misfortune that traditionally blighted England campaigns.

But now, with the breaking down of Kevin Pietersen and the public disintegration of the Colossus of Preston, England are fighting fire with fire.

There is a note of desperation in the England camp, with their star batsman felled, they know that there chances are shot if Andrew Flintoff topples also. Here’s the latest unbelievable revelations from the BBC:

“The 31-year-old has been sleeping with a special 'Game Ready' compression wrap - designed from NASA spacesuit technology - around his troublesome knee, which helps to remove fluid and reduce inflammation.”

Everyone knows that he’s not well. But we also know that we need him, and it doesn’t matter if he exacerbates the problem because we won’t be using him in the future anyway. So Flintoff being permanently maimed for life is a little worry that the ECB’s carpet bagger doctor can forget.

Nevertheless, the forecast looks grim. By the current reading, it looks as though up to three days will be washed out. A result looks unlikely.

So, England’s worse case scenario is the Aussies batting for long periods, wearing down what little cartilage remains in Flintoff’s wasting joints, forcing him to miss the important forth game.

Why not rest old Freddie’s legs for another week?

England’s outfit is a one-trick pony now. We may as well acknowledge it. It’s the cricketing equivalent of giving the ball to Jonny Wilkinson.

KP violence sends boy to hospital

With an aggressive, fierce whirl of a large, blunt instrument and his bat, Kevin Pietersen, disgraced former England captain, brought young Reece Topley to his knees with a stinging blow to the temple in a net session yesterday.

Little Reece was known as “Tiny Topley” by his few friends (by which we mean those who are yet to betray him), because of his abnormally stunted growth – due to malnutrition and years of neglect.

Standing at a mere 6ft6in, this sickly youth was forced into brutalising schedule of unpaid labour for the benefit of oversexed England stars.

Yesterday, the dedicated lad, fresh from a spell of sweeping out Andrew Flintoff’s voluminous chimney, Rickets-blighted Reece was bowling his little heart out for England’s Kolpack player.

Dizzy with overwork and disease, Thrush-riddled Topley failed to detect KP’s evil stinger as it speed directly at its target: a mal-shaped head. Proffering only a mis-directed, stumpy hand to shield the fearful blow, his myopic eyes failed to co-ordinate any real defence.

The badly beaten boy fell to the ground like a sack of dead rodents, to the cheers of the surrounding Englanders.

As the stretchered boy was gently helped into the neighbouring bin, KP was compassionately remarked,

“That’s another one. Maybe we should start feeding them?”

Australia needs a new scapegoat

As any England fan will tell you, a loss can be attributed to one, or several if they’re feeling particularly brutal, players. Ablate these tumorous influences, and the team’s balance restores to perfection.

Until the next match.

Australia, once again, are on the wrong side of a series rolling-pin attack. (Although, interestingly, the Baggy Green’s decline started at the same time as the Credit Crunch. A bit too much of a coincidence, methinks.)

So, instead of addressing the problems like a rational agent of reason, the Australians now look upon their side’s line-up with the frenzied revisionism known only to deranged lumberjacks.

Matthew Haydon is top of the axe-wielders' list. Mainly because he’s a complete git (I use “complete” deliberately here – he’s a god-bothering, squeaky-clean moron. Every element of his personality offends.)

Somehow Simon Katich and Michael Clarke are still in the Australian team, despite the dawning of the Age of Aquarious. Obviously, they’re useless; but as they’re Australian, that doesn’t seem to effect their performance as much as human beings.

The problem, actually, is the bowling. Specifically Brett Lee. Not his gammy foot, but his general over-rated abilities. He’s pants.

I can hear the shrieks already, like the shrill OMGs shouted out in St. Rodger’s Catholic School for Girls, as the Headmistress finally blocks access to facebook.

As a strike bowler, the leader of the attack, the spear-point’s edge, the rolling-pins round bit, he’s a bit rubbish really. Sure, his record is superior to that of Andy Caddick, but I ask you, in all honesty, does he have the ears for the job?

The rest of the Australian attack, Mr Monkey-Wrench and Mr Spanner, are similarly useless. These tools don’t have the guile or the round-bit to make even the opposition’s number ten go “crickey, I’d rather not face him in a dark alley”

In stead, the tail-enders are thinking, “I hope I meet him in a dark alley, so I take his sweets and maybe force some hair-care secrets out of him.”

In any case, the Australians have found their scapegoat. Once identified, they didn’t mess about, they got down to business and attacked his feet with hammers. Now Lee is removed, the ACB can begin building a new era of Aussie bowling.

Again.

Angel of Cruelness intervenes in Cape Town

The West Indies have played superbly in this tour. Not only did their new captain, Chris Gayle, lead them to a handsome 126-run victory over South Africa in the first game of the series, but the Windies are battling hard in this match too.

During their tour of England, the buzz word in the Windies camp was “capitulation”. All aside from the god-like Shivnarine Chanderpaul and always lively Dwayne Bravo, the team looked hopeless and were deservedly battered.

The most saddening element of their loss was the totally ineptitude of their bowling attack – a once terrifying squadron of batsman-eaters, deflated into a feeble dud’s army.

Yet, from the pits of ineffectiveness, their bowlers suddenly skittle the Saffers for only 195 in Port Elizabeth – with that man Bravo taking four wickets.

The West Indian all-rounder galvanised his side once again with three quick wickets during his marathon 24-over spell. His over-use was indicative of a crippling problem in the Windies’ attack: an epidemic of crockitis.

Jerome Taylor and then Fidel Edwards both received injuries. Although Taylor eventually recovered, Edwards is out for the remainder of the match. With Daren Powell bowling his usual mix of threatening wides and under-cooked half-volleys, Gayle was forced to turn to some part-timers.

Letting the Proteas of the hook. If their attack was fully stocked the Saffers would be struggling to save the follow on. It would be naïve and foolhardy to say that the Windies are back. But it is this blogger’s hopeful, desperate belief that The Windies Are Back, Baby.

Flintoff: I won’t go away

Rather like those stains on your tea cups, Andrew Flintoff is refusing to go away regardless of how many times he’s been through the dishwasher.

I think it’s fair to say that I’m probably the only person outside of the MCC that doesn’t like Flintoff. I’m not really sure why I feel this way. It’s probably because he has “personality” and all I have is a bitter disposition.

Anyway, he now reckons that he’ll being coming back soon, because he’s employed the services of a reasonably priced Dutch surgeon, Professor Niek van Dijk. (Tells you all you need to know about the state of the NHS.) Prof van Dijk has had a good prod about in Flintoff’s mighty ankle and, like any self-respecting cowboy quack, thinks he can sort it no problem.

This will mean that he’ll be back in action in early 2008. He’ll be 30 then. It’s not Ming Campbell old, but it’s not Wayne Rooney old either.

Meanwhile, England have been doing splendidly without him. He’s certainly a reliable bowler, but his batting has been like watching a party of shepherd’s pies attempt the four minute mile. Consequently, he’d have to prove his fitness as a specialist bowler.

But England have been “really good” at bowling recently. Not just individually, but as a thoughtful and complementary unit. They work well as a team. It certainly isn’t broke.

And if there’s no room for Monty, then, by buggery, there sure as hell ain’t any room for that fat bloke from Preston.

Andrew Flintoff’s career

Once again, Andrew Flintoff has been declared unfit because of his old ankle injury. It looks likely that he will miss the rest of the NatWest Series and the Twenty20 World Championship. On top of recent niggles with Dorset Knee and missing the entire test summer, Flintoff has had an unfortunate spell.

He is a big chap. And he bowls fast. Consequently, his lower joints and feet are under a lot of strain. This is a pity because, at the moment, he looks like our best one-day bowler. Indeed, he took a career-best of 5 for 56 the other day against India.

The question is, however, how long can this continue? If you are losing one player to constant injury, then it has a pernicious effect on the side’s morale. Moreover, you cannot invest in a long-term replacement for the man; you’ve only got a nearly-man struggling to secure his space. On top of that, you’ve constant arguments about who to replace Flintoff: another all-rounder? A batsman or bowler or what?

There comes a point when the destabilising effects of a missing man out-weighs the positive influence of his presence. I’m not sure we have reached that point with Flintoff yet, but it is something that needs to be considered.

Indeed, more important for Flintoff personally, is his test career. It appears that his body is struggling to cope with the strain of a one-day much. But how will it cope with bowling 70 overs in a test match?

Do you remember the end of Darren Gough’s career? He was our best fast bowler for a generation, and a vital part of England’s attack. A long-term injury had him out of the side for about a year, I think. When he returned, to much heralding and cheering from England fans, he looked a little under-cooked. There was a noticeable lack of pace. He was past his best, and his international career petered out into a sad slump.

No one really wants that to happen to Flintoff. But people need to think seriously about his long-term prospects.

The Twenty20 World Cup

Don’t get too excited. You won’t seem many posts here about this event.

I will, allow, however, a few mocking posts, snidely sniping from afar. Let us consider the injury list:

Ravi Bopara – widely regarded as the world’s best twenty20 player.
Andrew Flintoff – widely regarded as the world’s best all-rounder.
Jacques Kallis – widely regarded as a better all-rounder than Flintoff.
Ricky Ponting – widely regarded as smug and a bit daft in the head.

Some of the other missing players are:

Shane Watson
Muttiah Muralitharan
Sachin Tendulkar
Rahul Dravid
Stephen Fleming
Mohammad Yousuf
Inzamam-ul-Haq

That’s eleven players. If you stuck Watson in his proper position and made him a keeper you would have a winning team right there.

But you don’t, because all these clever individuals know how rubbish the twenty20 tournament is going to be. They each ingeniously contrived to be “unavailable” or “injured” or “dropped” in a cunning ruse to avoid this nasty championship.

Now, surely, it will be rubbish. Then people will say: “why didn’t we listen to Ayalac?” And the answer will come back “because we didn’t read it in the first place.”

England, one by one, die

If people must persist in talking foreign, why must they do so loudly? Why the hell won’t Diana get the hell out of my face? Why can't the England players buy a packet of cigarettes without getting a side strain?

These are some the questions that constitute the mysteries of Sod. These are the questions that will never be answered, but they will continue to piss the crap out of you.

Sorry about the absence, by the by, I have been a little busy. And quite frankly, bringing the Ayalac little ray of bloody sunshine into your indolent and pathetic lives is at the bottom of my life’s "to do" list.

England lost a match yesterday. They lost because the other team is AMAZING, and we are A BUNCH OF USELESS DUFFERS. Their batsmen put the England bowling unit to the slaughters, all top four scoring half-centuries. Yuvraj Singh was particularly brutal, plundering 72 off 57.

The change of bowling strategy had much to do with this. First mistake was picking Jon Lewis, who failed to swing the ball, or prevent the batsman from swinging the bat. Bizarrely, the bowlers decided to eschew the previously successful strategy of bowling back-of-a-length in the hope that it would swing. It really didn’t. Not even on the tenth time Sachin Tendulkar drove you for four.

England’s batting hope lay mainly with Ulbator Choobleton, their chief Rain Dancing coach. Sadly, he, as well as everyone else, failed. Paul Collingwood put on a good show (91 off 71). And when Matt “The Pratt” Prior and Ian Bell were sharing a 90-run partnership, England may have thought they had a hope.

But they didn’t.

Now they are either (a) injured or (b) dead. Winning a single match may be a tough ask given the present state of disorder.

Can’t finished today’s post without mentioning Ravi Bopara and Stuart Broad’s incredible innings together at Bristol. It was probably the best partnership in England’s ODI history. I really thought they were finished when Colly ran himself out.

I even stopped listening to TMS. But I eventually tuned in again and it was clear something special was happening. It was a tremendous, thoughtful and composed performance. Better than I have seen from England since I saw Sydney Barnes and Pip Fielder contribute 39 matching winning runs in a brave last-wicket stand at the MCG.

Pietersen is not sick

Once again, England have proven their toughness, by fielding Kevin Pietersen in tomorrow’s test match. KP could not get of bed yesterday. But never mind, we’ll stick him in anyway. He’ll cough it off.

I like the way that England risk their players’ careers and health to squeeze another match out of them. It feels as if I’m getting value for all that tax money that goes to the ECB.

If, say, Ian Bell, fell ill in this manner, he would probably still be in the infirmary come Thursday. However, KP has become a key part of England’s sledging attack, and they have really come to depend on his abusive qualities since his debut in 2005.

Assuming Pietersen is well enough to see the ball, England’s chances are winning improve considerably just with his presence. I have, as usual, no actual evidence to support that, but I’ll just say that he’s really, really good.

I was not the only concerned person when I heard the news. Michael Vaughan:

"It was slightly worrying when I heard he'd got a virus but the doctor said straight away that as long as he got his tablets down him he'd be okay."

As long as he has his tablets? Jesus Christ, doesn’t he just sound ready for the ultimate test in cricketing prowess. Just wait for Pietersen to cease chasing a ball to the boundary, only to pop a few uppers and resume the dash.

Also look out for rogue drugs hanging around on a length outside the off stump.

Vaughan fingered

I was quite cheery this morning. There were elections all across the country yesterday and, being obsessed with politics, I was looking forward to getting stuck into the papers today. Then, imagine my horror when the uncharismatic sports presenter on BBC Breakfast announced terrible news:

Michael Vaughan has broken his finger in a recent Yorkshire game. According to the ECB he is “almost certain” to miss the first test, and probably the second test too.

Crash! Bang! Wallop! It happens again! In hindsight, this was inevitable. Two reasons: a) he’s English, and therefore fragile as hell; b) he’s Michael Vaughan, and therefore practically made of china. Now he’s broken bone china.

So! The England team, which hasn’t been in a chaotic crisis in a few weeks now, has another catastrophe to sort out. Will Andrew Strauss captain the first games? Well, according to my little test, Kevin Pieterson came out second best. But, this is only one test. It may be an opportunity to give Paul Collingwood some captaincy experience, as he has only thrice led Durham before.

Personally, I’m backing Matthew Hoggard, but most people don’t listen to me. Especially not important people. Anyway, back to the papers. I see the Tories have Lincoln now.

H'mmm... what will happen to Scotland's position in the English leagues if they vote for independence? I hope the ECB pulls out all funding for them. Actually, I hope the ECB does that anyway, regardless of the referendum. But then again, I'm a bit rabid when it comes to Scotland.

Obsession with injury

OK – I may not have a great memory,but I don’t remember
cricketers always being a bunch of old crocks. Angus Fraser (champion) used to plug away for years without injury. Alright, that may not be entirely true, but in my unfounded opinion, cricketers are receiving more injuries. There are two schools of thought explaining this development:

1. Geoff Boycottism (They’re all a bunch of girls). This thesis asserts that modern cricketers have become increasingly fragile because of universal use of “shoes” and banning corporal punishment in schools.

2. They’re over-worked. This re-iterates the usual complaint that cricketers play too much cricket.

The reality is probably a mixture of the two. Or probably not. Anyway, here is a list of international players that are either injured or have an injury “scare”.

- Mathew Hayden
- Michael Vaughan
- Herschelle Gibbs
- Justin Kemp
- Jacob Oram
- Andrew Symonds
- Abdul Razzaq
- Brett Lee
- Simon Jones
- Shoaib Akhtar
- Mohammad Asif

I decided to stop at eleven. But it’s enough for a whole team – a pretty good team, now that I look at it. It seems that at any point 5% of the world’s cricketing talent has some sort of injury.

It’s worth noting that none of the above crocks is a spinner. Look at the above picture. Anil Kumble continuing to win matches, despite the major head trauma. What does that tell you about spinners?