Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Stop the melon

I’m not happy today. This morning, as I was making my famous way through Tower Hill Station, I was accosted by what can only be described as a “Community Support Officer”.

“Ho!” said he, “Stop! I must search your bag.”
“No.” said I, “I’m late for work.”
“I don’t care,” said he, “I’m searching your bag.”

And, so he did; whilst his colleague directed asinine questions about my ethnicity towards my bored personage. After a sufficient proportion of my dignity had been removed (apparently, the line is drawn at examining the contents of potential terrorists’ lunchboxes) the original bastard proclaimed, “all clear!” Can you believe that? All clear? What was he worried about? Exploding sandwiches?

Anyway, I wish that someone stopped and searched Michael Vaughan’s brain before he decided to put Sri Lanka into bat.

No one has any idea how this brand new pitch is going to play. And, as such, don’t you think that it would be sensible if we tried to avoid facing Murali on this untested track on the fifth day?

I accept that England have to make the move to draw the series. But acts of spell-binding stupidity and maddeningly unorthodox gimmicks are occasional companions on Vaughan’s curious journey through the captaincy.

You know, this reminds me of the scale of political ideology. The more you move away from the right wing, you are strangely compelled to fascism. You hop from Nazism, conservatism, liberalism, socialism and then, before you know it, you’re Joseph Stalin and a total fascist. Similarly, if you try to be too clever, you end up being a melon.

“Why put in two slips,” he thinks, “when I cam have two short mid-wickets instead.” This is melon-talk, I’m afraid. Melon-talk.

6 comments:

Miriam said...

The Community Support Officer called you a ho? How rude.

Suave said...

Michael Vaughan is having words to that effect, with Michael Vaughan right now, I would imagine.

Stupid boys!

banh said...

I think people here aren't allowed to actually touch your bag, you just have to open it for them. But that's only when I get asked by people standing at the exits of shops to see if I'd stolen anything.

And on your Paul Collingwood moment, I walked past Cameron White in an inner city suburb. It was quite a big moment for me but unfortunately, the people I was with at the time had absolutely no idea who he was. Also, it's clear he eats his veggies. That man is a giant.

The Atheist said...

No, we all get our bags fingered here. It isn't always a bad thing.

So, "banh", you met Cameron White in the inner suberbs of Somerset? I'm guessing you must live in Frome.

I wish England wasn't the new Zimbabwe.

Paddy said...

I'm really outraged for you, Atheist. How dare some ill-educated oik who can't even get a job as a proper policeman demand that you open your bag. I suppose if you'd have refused he'd have just shot you, so you probably did right, but even so.

Miriam - "ho!" is a common greeting from British police to young tearaways going back to Mr Goon in Enid Blyton's Five Find-Outers series. Normally followed by the word "scallywag". I'm glad that some things haven't changed in this sad modern world.

banh said...

Actually it was in Camberwell in Melbourne, but Cameron White none the less.