Windies, and crowd, battered

The biggest defeat in West Indies’ fine history. England win by an innings and 283 runs. The Windies played some appalling cricket. The bowling was Harminson-like, and the batting lacked purpose, common sense and method of combating a swinging ball.

I first thought the Windies were doing a New Zealand, but their slide is reaching Zimbabwe proportions... or gradients. That's how you measure slopes, right?

Admittedly, a lot of the loss is due to losing key players: Shiv Chanderpaul and Ramnaresh Sarwan. Yet, it would have taken substantial contributions by both these men to have stemmed the tide. This is distressing for people who like cricket and like the Windies especially. I really hope they work out how to play again.

Noticing my lack of posts recently, I sent a reporter to Headingley to provide in depth analysis from the boundary. Here are some of his wires. (I warn you, they are in “text message” so half of it is unintelligible, the other half seems to be garbled by drink, so try and make the most of it).

Report one: 1:41pm
We are holding out hope… Missed the morning session, but was only a few overs. Moisture in the air, men in nuns outfits, it’s Headingley for sure!

Evidentially, a sufficient quantity of Tetley’s affects your orienteering skills. Seems like it took him a while to work out where exactly he was. Not a promising start.

Report two: 2:24pm
And another. And it’s raining. No, hailing.

I assume he’s still in Headingley. I wasn't convinced of his initial claims. We’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Not much in-depth analysis yet. Maybe he's saving it up for later?

Report three: 2:41pm
I think the lack of play means the crowd are even more drunk than usual! Mexican wave was actually successful. Hoping for more play and for west indies to put up a bit of a fight!

Sub-editors are supposed to remove the mistake, or stick a sarcy (sic) after everything. I however prefer to give the truth to the people as is. This is more "colourful descriptions of the ground in order to build a sense of atmosphere” as opposed to a technical study of Dwayne Bravo’s leg glance. But I’m sure that’ll come later.

Report four: 3:06pm
Well, the western terrace is nearly full but everywhere else is empty. I guess only the drunkards have braved the rain. And they really are drunk…

When was the last time someone used the phrase “drunkard”? Lord Denning in Court 4, crica 1952? And, most surprisingly, they actually are drunk! And the agency said he was alright…

Report five: 4:53pm
We only had time for 3 pints! A short and sweet day of cricket, good fun would have liked to see more action.

There are some other items filed, but the drink seems to have taken hold. They also become quite misogynistic , so I can't share them with you. I’ll have to strike that journo off the list. He wasn't cheap, either. Bloody agency.

Anyway, that's it for today. I’ll be quiet over the next few days. Please don’t get angry.