West Indies are the new New Zealand

West Indies and fast bowling used to go together like chips and beer. Devastating when indulged in to excess. The combination is now comparable to chips and Gillian McKeith – liable to result in a ruptured mid-wicket.

Sorry about the absence; I have been away recently. That hasn’t stopped the sarcy comments coming in, however.

First of all, is this the first test match in England to start on a Friday? Does no one feel this is a little, you know, foreign? Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for foreign things. Heck, I went to the Chinese last night. I’m just not at all keen on the strange, foreign ideas affecting our little institutions.

But foreignness builds bad karma, do ju-ju, or something. Saying things like “centimetres” instead of “inches” cumulates your death-gauge reading on the karma count. Once it gets too high… well, who knows? This test match starting on a Friday business could result in some kind of karmic explosion. I wouldn’t like to be near the ECB right now.

Anyway, on to cricket. Kevin Pietersen should get a double hundred. Just like the Robert Keys and Paul Collingwoods of many years ago. KP has wanted this for ages. But he’s just been too impatient to get it. Now that the pacing of test match innings has been mastered, huge scores are open to him. Which is nice.

So, all the West Indies bowlers are rubbish. Much like the traditional Kiwi method of attack, the Windies put forward a couple of dibbly-dobblers and hope for the best.

This strategy never works.

Apart from a late spell by Corry Collymore last night, where he extracted some swing and two English batsman, the West Indian bowling was an open cheque to Vaughan and all the rest. Very poor stuff.