England are getting the fear

Give us a downer. I've gone and fucked my brain.

So, things are cold, wet and dark in England. The Caribbean and Australian umpires are surprised at this, so take every opportunity to hide in their little officials’ room, which, I am told, is equipped with tea making facilities and an attractive open fire place.

Anyway, the first test match of a twenty game series between England and New Zealand is meandering towards a draw. Neither side really wants it any other way. And when it comes to mutual disappointment, the English excel.

There have been a lot of dodgy decisions by the Englanders in this game. They ran away like little girls from an exhibitionist when they were offered the light. Why they did so is beyond comprehension. Perhaps they’re scared of Jacob Oram’s bowling?

This is exactly the sort of behaviour that Australians jeer at. “Rubbish” they say. And, god help me, I am inclined to agree with all 20 million of them.

Although we have to draw some limits. One of my favourite programmes, Peep Show, guested an obnoxious Australian. She generally found herself in rather unseemly situations. Don’t worry, explains Mark to the horrified natives, she’s Australian – they think it’s OK.

We can’t agree with Ausslers on everything. That would lead to anarchy and barbarism.

In the actual cricket, Michael Vaughan scored a century. I think it’s his fifth at Lords, and the first since he performed the same trick at the first test in the series last year. So, well done him.

Daniel Vettori is making a good case to be deified, by taking five wickets. We’ll have to watch this space on that one.

The weather is really depressing. I had a special correspondent sent to Lords and everything. The only wire he sent me was that it was “depressing”.

RAH-bish.

Sluggo sloshed?

Tapper John brought some incredible news to my attention yesterday. He informs us that “three prominent players” have failed a routine drugs test, and are facing a lengthy ban.

Seeing as Sluggo is three men in one, this can only mean one thing.

I sent about a million emails to the Bermudan Cricket Board yesterday to confirm some details. Sadly, there seems to be a media black out, at the moment.

This is especially enforced towards the major cricket news sources, like Ayalac.

Coupled with the non-appearance of my new camera, this potentially, nay, literally mind-blowing event has seriously undermined my well-being.

I suppose it does add up. How can a human being excel to the highest levels of left-arm orthodox spin, how can one mere mortal take the catch of the century without the aid of some helpful substance?

This scandal is only the latest in a serious of unhappy events that have bedevilled the Bermudan team since the World Cup. Players stopped attending training practices, defeats in ODIs became ever-larger and a massive government-sponsored cash injection has resulted in nothing.

In amongst this turmoil, Sluggo’s days of glory seem to be coming to an end, with his 2007 average equating over 40. It is, perhaps, understandable that the team would consider other options.

Although, saying that, there isn’t much in the way of performance-enhancing drugs for cricket out there. Perhaps it’s just recreational? In which case, I don’t have a problem with that. In fact, right on.

Africa lose

Usually, the Africa vs. Asia series consists of good Asian players versus South Africa plus Steve Tikolo and a few token Zimbabweans. The latest batch of games rather felt like Shaun Pollock vs. Asia.

With 223 runs in his three games, he was the highest run scoring of either team. He nearly won a match single-handed, with a brilliant 130 at Bangalore, taking African to the very edge of victory in an impossible run chase.

But with the likes of Sanath Jayasuriya, Sourav Ganguly and Mohammad Yousuf coming in, the Africans were always going to struggle. With a pool of four test nations to select, compared to Africa’s one, it didn’t really seem fair.

The organisers should have tipped the balance by giving the Africans performance-enhancing drugs. Or maybe bigger bats? Although, judging by his deeds, it looks like Pollock was on something.

It would be interesting to see other continental matches: Europe vs. Australasia. We could assemble all the best players from Scotland and Holland. Mighty players like Mark Jonkman. Good ol’ Jonkers.

Actually forget I said that. Rubbish idea.

Ayalac exclusive: Mohammad Asif clean

Be warned. I’m wearing a different pair of shoes today, so this blog is liable to be a bit weird. I don't feel right.

Normally, I wear the same pair of shoes for years. They eventually fall to pieces; as does my character which develops a close bond to Clark browns. Today, however, those trousers have been donned. Brown shoes don’t suit those trousers, or so I have been told.

In fairness, I am no great authority on trousers either. Some of my trousers are sentient, evil bastards. They have a tendency of unzipping my flies of their own accord. Foolishly, I have not punished the offending slacks, and only realise I’m in a dodgy pair when the surrounding shocked faces and rugby tackles from the police pervert squad give it away.

Only when not wearing thinking trousers, a perfectly innocent unzip-only-on-command pair, do I remember the affliction and become panicked. I try to check surreptitiously I’m not “flying low” only for to receive multiple stares of disapproval at my fiddling with my crotch in public.

Anyway, no such fears evidentially trouble the Pakistan Cricket Board. After watching Al-Jazeera on the ol’ free-view (which is very interesting and well worth a try), I saw a sneaky scrolling sentence informing me of Mohammad Asif’s return to world cricket. This news hasn’t been announced anywhere on the internet. So this is an Ayalac exclusive! I’m a growed-up journalist! Now where’s the bar?

The PCB claims this is because of an elbow injury, not because the the performance enhancing drugs have finally left his system. (To the PCB’s lawyers reading this: I didn’t write anything libellous there, you merely imagined it.)

The tour to Sri Lanka, which consists of three one-dayers, is badly short on stars. Pakistan lack:

Inzamam-ul-Haq – has retired from one-day internationals.
Shoaib Akhtar – still doped up.
Younis Khan – would rather play for Yorkshire (because of the great weather).
Danish Kaneria – would rather play for Essex.
Azhar Mahmood – would rather play for Surrey.

On the other side, Sri Lanka will lose the following:

Muttiah Muralitharan – would rather play for Lancashire.
Chaminda Vaas - would rather play for Middlesex.
Kumar Sangakkara – would rather play for Warwickshire.

With the loss of so much quality, the series is going to be rubbish. A lot has been made of overseas players in the English county game as adversely affecting the performance of the English national side. On the basis of the above evidence, the insatiable appetite of the counties may have a global impact. Hooray for us!