Sunday, May 18, 2008

England are getting the fear

Give us a downer. I've gone and fucked my brain.

So, things are cold, wet and dark in England. The Caribbean and Australian umpires are surprised at this, so take every opportunity to hide in their little officials’ room, which, I am told, is equipped with tea making facilities and an attractive open fire place.

Anyway, the first test match of a twenty game series between England and New Zealand is meandering towards a draw. Neither side really wants it any other way. And when it comes to mutual disappointment, the English excel.

There have been a lot of dodgy decisions by the Englanders in this game. They ran away like little girls from an exhibitionist when they were offered the light. Why they did so is beyond comprehension. Perhaps they’re scared of Jacob Oram’s bowling?

This is exactly the sort of behaviour that Australians jeer at. “Rubbish” they say. And, god help me, I am inclined to agree with all 20 million of them.

Although we have to draw some limits. One of my favourite programmes, Peep Show, guested an obnoxious Australian. She generally found herself in rather unseemly situations. Don’t worry, explains Mark to the horrified natives, she’s Australian – they think it’s OK.

We can’t agree with Ausslers on everything. That would lead to anarchy and barbarism.

In the actual cricket, Michael Vaughan scored a century. I think it’s his fifth at Lords, and the first since he performed the same trick at the first test in the series last year. So, well done him.

Daniel Vettori is making a good case to be deified, by taking five wickets. We’ll have to watch this space on that one.

The weather is really depressing. I had a special correspondent sent to Lords and everything. The only wire he sent me was that it was “depressing”.

RAH-bish.

7 comments:

Miss Field said...

I think you'll find it's nearer 22 million, but at least 2 million (more like 10) are Poms anyway.

Straight Point said...

the way england approached this match...

it should have been 'bad play stopped light'...

Rob said...

It is six centuries for Vaughan now -- although he plays two tests a year there.

miss field: The CIA fact book lists Australia's population as 20.6 million and the CIA are always correct (gaffaw)

https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/geos/as.html

Dave said...

The more concerning news, of course, is that Hoggy has been maimed by Steve Harmison. Obviously, he'll do anything to get back into the Test team, including bouncing Hoggard and breaking his thumb.

What a twat.

Miss Field said...

21,300,000 according to Wikipedia, which everyone knows is the only source of accurate information on the internet.

The Atheist said...

I went by google, who told me 20 million.

Maybe the rest just moved to London, to work in the pubs?

The Atheist said...

Fork it!