Cricket: it’s not for girls

Well, apparently, I would be wrong. The MCC, not content in letting in female members, it now allows them to make non-tea-related decisions. The girls, proving that they are not useless stereotypes, took this opportunity to turn cricket balls pink.

This may, or may not, be a crime. I’m not sure how exactly I feel about this one, but I have a vague desire to break into the offices of Heat magazine and transform the back-pages into a nag-hoping form guide for up-and-coming horse races.

Cricket in the UK has experimented with orange balls, blue ones and most recently white balls. None of them really worked. People don’t stop complaining about balls. Especially girls.

Even the traditional red one has come in for some stick. Hundreds of years of successful battering; now batsmen are moaning that they can’t see them. Frankly, I see this as a bonus. It would be a great game if the batsman couldn’t actually see the ball (maybe we could paint it green or overcast grey). Seeing batsman getting hit is a major attraction for spectators.

But I suppose bowlers have it all their own way anyway. It’s only fair.

Mike Gatting, who is expert on talking balls (although, not as much as this bloke), has stated,

“This is a very interesting and a very wise development."

Being a cricket fan I naturally fear change. I oppose this move. Given that the number of runs scored in international matches is greater than ever, I can’t really see a need.

Other than another pointless marketing gimmick than brings in so much…stuff. Yeah, the ECB, great at brining in the stuff.

Matt Prior shows he has balls

Matt Prior stung by the attacks of his prattishness and incompetence, has fought back by saying:

“I have a huge testicle.”

He went on to say.

“I can use it for a seat.”

Continuing to say:

“How do you like them apples?”

In other news, England’s women lost to New Zealand’s women. No one knows why, because no one follows women’s cricket. It’s like giving quorn to a drunken Northern: alright for an appetiser, but where’s the foockin’ meat, ya Soothern pan-seh. Violence subsequently ensues.

In other news, half the Indian team have died because of an outbreak of Dorset Ebola. Sachin Tendulkar, Zaheer Khan, Ajit Agarkar, RP Singh and Yuvraj Singh have all caught the rare disease and will probably expire in under 24 hours. Doctors are quoted to say:

“Well, I’m not going any where near them.”

Lack of dead players may give England the cruicial edge in the forthcoming games.

Lords, Day Five: Be careful what you wish for

So after four days of solid praying for gloom and rain, the gods finally succumb and granted my wish. Sadly, the heavens pour on the fifth day – the only day I could go. A wash out, more or less, meaning no cricket for me. Buggered.

Damn ye gods!

I could write about other important cricketing events. All the sub-continental teams are playing today. India are doing well against Bangladesh. Pakistan handsomely beat Sri Lanka. Instead of talking about this, I shall write about girls.

I like girls. I like cricket. There are a number of parallels that are worth noting:

- Both are full of unfathomable rules and regulations.
- Both enjoy standing around the sun for five days doing nothing in particular.
- Both stop everything stops when there’s even a little bit of rain.
- Both pack in as many snacking opportunities as possible.

Girls and cricket. Both lovable in their own way.