News of the World

I have received some requests to provide an update on the neglected, although no less important, nations in world cricket. So here we go.

The West Indies

They’re about to face the fearsome Zimbabweans. This may never happen as there’s an article on cricinfo headlined “West Indies delayed by luggage.” Apparently, Chris Gayle took too many spangly man-bags, or something, and the team had to catch a later flight.

They have also been enjoying turmoil in the ol’ captaincy department. Dwayne Bravo has been appointed vice-captain, which is a bit like employing an Elvis-impersonator as a judge. It’ll probably be alright, but there might be a few fruity decisions now and then.

After Zimbabwe, they will receive a royal battering at the hands of the South Africans

Kenya

Domestic cricket continues its shambolic exploration through life. The Nairobi Provincial Cricket Association has held up the national administrative process with some constitutional rambles about something. To be honest, I care more about Bjork’s views on whales. Anyway, Steve Tikolo is still from Kenya and he’s Ace. Their next match is in January. It will be against the United Arab Emirates. Fascinating.

Bermuda

Otherwise known as “Sluggo-land”, Bermuda is another example of a cricket board that has stopped responding to my emails. Do you think there’s an international black-list or something; perhaps the ECB has point out a warner? Anyway, the big news is that Gus Logie, Bermudan coach, reckons that Bermuda can qualify for the World Cup again. Judging by their recent performances, Gussie, they’d by lucky to get into my local’s Open Mike night. (The Broker, in case you are unaware, is not known for its discriminating approach to talent.)

The Pimmies

In other news, UAE beat Namibia by five wickets at the Wanderers. This means they are still at the top of Division Two of the World Cricket League. Fantastically, Uganda thrashed Argentina. There’s not many contexts in life that you can say that. But, in cricket, anything is possible. Even making Namibia seem faintly interesting.

Namibia, in case you are unaware, is not, and never will be, interesting.

Tanzania: Pimephales promelas of the cricketing world

Uganda won the final of the World Cricket League Division Three final, beating Argentina by 91 runs. This was the expected outcome, however, it must be noted that Argentina did exceptionally well to reach the final.

The South American country was only brought in at the eleventh hour, after the administrative mess that is the various American cricket boards saw the US expunged from the League.

The fractious and chaotic nature of US cricket administration reminds me of the American communists. The 1920s saw the emergence of about twenty various socialist parties, and Russians eventually gave up hope, pulling out funding. American can’t organise cricket, or communism. Coincidence?

Anyway, Argentina, which is also bizarrely good at rugby, put in a solid performance. Their captain, Esteban MacDermott, was awarded the player of the tournament.

It wasn’t all good news, though. Sadly, Tanzania were thrashed in the play-offs, losing to Hong Kong by 129 and coming in sixth. I really like Tanzania. I used to live there and think that it’s “cool”. In comparison to non-cricket playing nations I’d say it’s cooler than Dubai, but not as cool as Belgium. Belgium, now there’s a place: Chocolate; beer; sausages – it’s a utopia.

I like these little teams. They’re like little village players, but given the status of international stars. They’re not even minnows. I’ll have to think of a new name for them. They’re like the tiny parasites that live off minnows. A quick scan of the internet has produced Pimephales promelas, which burrows into the brains of fat-head minnows. This seems like a reasonable approximation of Italy’s relationship to England. I think for short we’ll call them “Pimmies”.

Go on you Pimmies!