Jayawardene begins his bid for the English captaincy

Sensing a gap in a lucrative market, Jayawardene begins on his long campaign to qualify for and finally captain the England cricket team.

“It has always been my ambition, after captaining Colombo’s finest rugby team, the Piedersmanndorf XV, to lead England on the field.”

He later added,

“Any field, really.”

Perceiving that Strauss has no more than four years, “max” in England’s top job, which would allow the Sri Lankan Storm Trooper to qualify and sweep into the captaincy just in England’s hour of need.

Conveniently, in exactly four year’s time, England will be 18 months away from the Ashes, which is internationally recognised as the optimal period to prepare for anything.

England officials were silent on the matter, which allowed them more time to leak fervently to the press. One bureaucrat told the Daily Red,

“To be honest, we’d take anyone on at the moment. We need players that can go beyond 97 and get a big score. This lot is useless.”

Another commented,

“The problem with this mob is that they’re too English. We need more foreigners.”

Using the top strategies of the British Empire, the ECB management has decided to succeed by stripping the world of its finest elements. Giles Clarke was later quoted to have said,

“Ha ha. I still have my job.”

There was some stirrings, within the sober press community, that this may not necessarily a good thing.

Bangladesh grow into their trousers

And what trousers!

They’re playing a tri-thingy with Sri Lanka and Zimbabwe. The teams are full of nice people. Whereas the sides playing in Australia are full of bastards. So obviously we’d rather watch the Tiddly Tigers receive a gentle rodgering by their considerate sub-continental partners, than a watch rough-house quality performance with gits on some bloody pacific island.

Heck, if you were really in a voyeuristic mood, you could even watch them untrousered by Zimbabwe. But they have special genres for that line of business.

In any case, after their African unseating, Bangladesh sought vengeance for their humiliation and battered Sri Lanka. How, no one knows.

There are rumours that Sri Lanka has recently acquired a new girlfriend, causing them to stare absent-mindedly towards the WAGS enclosure as the ball speeds towards their collective heads. Occasionally, they have an embarrassing crack at poetry.

People are trying to avoid them.

Not only are they suffering from the usual symptoms of a rapidly shrinking bank balance and sleep deprivation, but this new female took anyway their ability to bowl straight without sighing wistfully at the thought of her beautiful pink elbows.

Then, as with all new relationships, Sri Lanka awakened to their daftness, and decided to pummel Bangladesh for “looking at her” - bowling them out for 154. Murali, fuelled by wild, jealous rage, bludgeoned the Tigglers into the dust for even thinking about it.

Nevertheless, the Tigers should be proud of their achievements: two efforts against hardened, experienced and skilful opponents. They have learnt their lesson: don’t get in the way of an inflamed Kumar and his gal.

But the Bangladeshis have earned their trousers today.

They have earned them good.

We’re all doomed

Sri Lanka have a new spin twin pairing: Muttiah Muralitharan and Ajantha Mendis. And these guys look like they’re going to destroy the world and eat the moon for pudding.

In their recent match against the “we’re really good at playing spin, we are” Indians, the Lankans recorded a huge victory by an innings and 274 runs. That’s the sort of margin that gets statisticians excited: “highest winning margin in the mouth of July” they say.

The Indians were in a tizz at the crease. Only VVS, Hammer of the Ozzies, showed much resistance to the spinners’ tricks.

But, as the Indians followed on in the second innings, the Lankan twiddlers took apart the fragile tourists. The Indians lasted only 45 overs for their feeble 138 runs, with Anil Kumble’s 12 the pick of the innings.

That the Lankan batsmen could manage four centuries in their abundant innings is testament to the quality of the pitch, and the bowling that would follow.

Now that the Lions have two unplayable spinners, on top of two excellent quicks, we should perhaps just pack up and go home. Maybe put the kettle on and flick through the multitude of rubbishy channels that bless all modern day television. If we’re lucky, there might be a Bruce Lee film on. Or possibly some fat men throwing darts.

Murali took 11 wickets and young master Ajantha won eight.

This sort of thing is going to continue for some time. Perhaps, on occasion, the pitch will suit seam. In which case, Vaas will take 11 and Malinga eight.

We’re screwed, aren’t we?

Sri Lanka: good, but not good enough to earn a visit from AYALAC

The Sri Lankans know they are my favourite side. And they play up to it.

Knowing that I spurned their lovely country in favour of their much bigger and probably smellier neighbour, they decided to Stick It To The Man, and beat India in the final of the “fixed” Asia Cup Final.

Their victory was principally due to the twizling efforts of their new spinner: Ajantha Mendis.

Everyone is going mental at how brilliant he is. Kingo praises his carrom ball, Q thinks he's good, but not as good as Rodger Federerer, Martyd thought it all rather pretty, Ankit thought him magical, JRod tells us all to calm down and that his mum is better.

So, I’m not going to talk about him. He has been grubbed by the hands of many bloggers before me.

But what I will pick out is a key even that I only saw. This event was the turning point of the match. The mark of no return for my holiday destination and the unseen triumph of the Lankans.

It came in the twelve over in the Indian’s innings. I’ll take cricinfo’s commentary of the moment.

Vaas to Dhoni, no run, cuts away after landing on a length, pushed to covers.

From that point on, the Indians were screwed. Poor blighters.

Right. I’ve got my visa and passport and stuff, so I’ll be off on Wednesday. Not sure if I’ll update before then, or whether I’ll bother posting whilst in India.

But, if I don’t do anything these things, best of luck surviving over the next few weeks without me.


Don’t get Dengue.

Surprisingly interesting results in Caribbean

I have been avoiding the Sri Lanka tour in the West Indies because I’m generally parochial and self-obsessed, but a match so exciting has come along it has forced us to consider something that isn’t me.

A tough ask, you might think, but this was genuinely a great match. Normally, ODIs that reach the last five overs of the second innings are classified as a “thriller”; those that reach the final over are “tense thrillers.” I’m not sure what you call this match, because it was won on the very last ball.

Maybe a “super thriller” or “thiller thriller”. You know its thriller, thriller night.Youre fighting for your life inside of killer, thriller tonight.

Our hero, our champion, our chief of the crabs, saw the Windes home with 63 from 63 balls. Chris Gayle also scored a captainly half century.

Plaudits also go to Chamara Kapugedera, who I thought was just some guy, you know, but turns out to be an aggressive and effective hitter of the nasty old women in the street with a stick mold. OK – she doesn’t look much, but you don’t want to get in the way of that lashing walking stick of death.

Is fifty over cricket the new twenty20? Of course it is. It’ll happen all over again with the IPL in a few years. Mark my words, sunny jim.

West Indies make meek surrendering noises

Two of my favouritest cricket sides are playing at the moment: The West Indies and Sri Lanka.

We all of us retain an affection for the Windies because they used to be great, and most of their players seem so damned cool. Sri Lanka has charmed the pants off the rest of us because of their apparent niceness.

In the First Test, the Lankans beat the West Indies by 121 runs. Centuries by Mahela Jayawardene and some bloke I’ve never heard of in the first innings secured a handsome 476 for the Lankans.

The West Indies gently succumbed in their first innings, avoiding a follow-on but still conceding a 194-run deficit.

From there, it was a classic cricket set up of dominant side pressing for a win against a gritty rearguard grinding for a draw. But, after some brave stands, the Windies finally lost their pluck.

There is something increasingly Bangladesh-like in the Windies’ loses. Here are there last 12 games:

Mar 22-26, 2008 – lost to Sri Lanka by 121 runs.
Jan 10-12, 200 – lost to South Africa by an innings and 100 runs.
Jan 2-5, 2008 – lost to South Africa by seven wickets.
Dec 26-29, 2007 – beat South Africa by 128 runs.
Jun 15-19, 2007 – lost to England by seven wickets.
Jun 7-11, 2007 – lost to England by 60 runs.
May 25-28, 2007 – lost to England by an innings and 283 runs.
May 17-21, 2007 – drew to England.
Nov 27-Dec 1, 2006 – lost to Pakistan by 199 runs.
Nov 19-23, 2006 – drew to Pakistan.
Nov 11-14, 2006 – lost to Pakistan by nine wickets.
Jun 30-Jul 2, 2006 – lost to India by 49 runs.

It is, of course, troubling that they have only won once from the last twelve (and their previous win was in 2005), but is most concerning for me is the margin.

The main criticism of Bangladesh’s cricket is that they are rolled over which such ease, to the point that some are demanding their withdrawal from test cricket. But, judging by the Windies’ record, they are just as suspect.

Gilchrist out in style

In a dream farewell match for his country, Adam Gilchrist blitzed a rear-guard century to beat Sri Lanka by 63.

Indeed, once his wicket fell at 206-5, Australia slept to a feeble 236 all out, with Lasith Malinga and Nuwan Kulasekara polishing off the Aussler middle order and tail.

Sadly, the Lankans couldn’t continue this dominant form, and managed only 173. Their uninspiring innings signed off with the familiar story of Kumar Sangakkara being the last man out. The Lions are looking so flimsy at the moment.

Beyond their handful of world-class players, they have no reserve to call upon.

In any case, this was Gilly’s day. Without his pacey knock, the Australians would have lost this match. This is not the first time I have said this but, thank god, it’s going to be the last.

UPDATE: Check out Miss Field's blog for in-person reporting of the game.

Stop the melon

I’m not happy today. This morning, as I was making my famous way through Tower Hill Station, I was accosted by what can only be described as a “Community Support Officer”.

“Ho!” said he, “Stop! I must search your bag.”
“No.” said I, “I’m late for work.”
“I don’t care,” said he, “I’m searching your bag.”

And, so he did; whilst his colleague directed asinine questions about my ethnicity towards my bored personage. After a sufficient proportion of my dignity had been removed (apparently, the line is drawn at examining the contents of potential terrorists’ lunchboxes) the original bastard proclaimed, “all clear!” Can you believe that? All clear? What was he worried about? Exploding sandwiches?

Anyway, I wish that someone stopped and searched Michael Vaughan’s brain before he decided to put Sri Lanka into bat.

No one has any idea how this brand new pitch is going to play. And, as such, don’t you think that it would be sensible if we tried to avoid facing Murali on this untested track on the fifth day?

I accept that England have to make the move to draw the series. But acts of spell-binding stupidity and maddeningly unorthodox gimmicks are occasional companions on Vaughan’s curious journey through the captaincy.

You know, this reminds me of the scale of political ideology. The more you move away from the right wing, you are strangely compelled to fascism. You hop from Nazism, conservatism, liberalism, socialism and then, before you know it, you’re Joseph Stalin and a total fascist. Similarly, if you try to be too clever, you end up being a melon.

“Why put in two slips,” he thinks, “when I cam have two short mid-wickets instead.” This is melon-talk, I’m afraid. Melon-talk.

England: psychologically ill-equipped for success

England, feeling pity for their toiling Ceylonese chums, and remorse for doing so well in their recent test match at the Singhalese Cricket Club, decided to give away whatever advantage they gained.

By contrast, Sourav Ganguly, an Indian, when he’s on top he rams home the advantage by relentlessly battering his way to a double hundred. England, on the other hand, are happy to simper out into the sunset.

In an interview, England captain Michael Vaughan said,

“Well, it’s like this: we rolled up to Colombo in a satisfactory “under-dog” position, ready for a plucky, British come-back, and upon enacting that spirited recovery, we rather, well, you know, we felt sorry for winning and held a vote and decided to sort of let Sri Lanka win.”

There was some gestures toward out-cry by the press, but Vaughan was only saying what every Englishman thinks. We don’t like winning. Victory on the field is like beating your dad at chess, you want to do it, you yearn to do it, but when you do, you are overcome with a strange guilt. Perhaps it’s best just to lose, we think. Avoid all that unseemly smugness.

This, I deeply suspect, is a pervasive and sub-conscious presence that guides all Englishmen’s actions. We have the loser gene. Look at football, Eurovision, primary school results, etc.

There are some players that have had intensive shovel-around-the-head therapy, enabling them to turn off this gene – take Ian Botham. Others have evaded it through foreignness – take Kevin Pietersen. The rest of us, however, irresistibly follow instinct. Trying to fight it is foolish. You’ll just go all Matt Priory, and no one wants that.

Not even Matt Prior's mum.

No, it’s best just to accept failure. This is why English beer is the best in the world – we have so many opportunities to drown our sorrows.

By the way, the answer to the last blog’s question was, inevitably, overpoweringly, crushingly, “no”.

England: is there no relief?

No. No there isn't. After clawing ourselves into a decent lead, England have thrown it all away by allowing Sanath Jayasuriya to catapult Sri Lanka into a defendable position. It is the same old depressing story for England fans. It is the dependable endurance of those following these well-meaning goons, we’re used to dealing with this now. We have coping strategies.

For a brief, reckless moment I thought that England could perhaps win this match. And then, before you could say “Oh fucking marvellous, it’s Christmas again” the tourists generously forwent any vestige of advantage.

In his last test match (unless the King of Ceylon calls recalls him from Columbo's Home For The Old and Passed It), Jayasriya has moved the Lankans from a first innings deficit to a second innings surplus. What a guy.

This is not the first time that Jayasuriya has battered my boyish hopes into oblivion. I remember in 1998, England totalled an unusually large score: 445. This was exciting to me; I was used to reading about massive scorecards in the sub-continent, but following the England team leaves you accustomed to undignified slumps.

But a score of over 400 gave the heart a flutter. Perhaps we could win? In strolled Jayasuriya, who promptly smote 213. Smashing England’s cream and dreams to all corners. We lost in that familiarly English fashion of pathetic.

Nonetheless, that match was very interesting. Notice Darren Gough’s 133-ball 15. Oh, and Muralitharan got some wickets, too.

Anyway, back to this century, with Matthew Hoggard looking injured and Monty Panesar lacking threat, England's attack has wilted in the sun. To this, Sri Lanka say "ha" adding "you're rubbish" before whacking us around the park. For an England fan, it is easy to confuse heat-stroke with déjà vu.

Who is better: Warne or Murali?

The answer, of course, is Matthew Hoggard. In blasting away four Sri Lankan batsman in their over-whelmed first innings attempt, Hoggy has proven his quality and me right. In the second innings, he has taken a wicket, despite losing the use of a leg and his right eye.

After a six months absence, you would have expected him to be a bit Harmisony, but not a bit of it.

The wonder of Hoggard’s consistent amazingness is inexplicable to me as my television’s constant demands that I press some mysterious red button.

Effortlessly blowing the opposition away like the smell of fresh summer roses being expunged by the clattering arrival of the refuse collectors is impressive in itself. But given the unfriendly conditions and limited swing, it provides mathematical proof that Hoggard is some sort of fluffy Yorkshire swing-bowling god.

I’m starting to doubt my Hoggard for Captain Campaign, as this will probably mean that he couldn’t be Prime Minister. Although, I don’t know. There is no law against holding both positions simultaneously; PMQ’s are held on Wednesday and test matches don’t start until Thursday. It sounds like a perfect job-share.

100 6s

In collating 67 effortless runs in Australia’s current test against Sri Babwe, Adam Gilchrist broke a record. He has he more sixes in test cricket than anyone else. Ever.

In fact, he has scored one hundred. Daniel Vettori has received the most biffing, having 17 sixes biffed off him.

Striking one hundred sixes is amazing. Reflect on the one four scored in Geoffrey Boycott’s entire career, in all forms of the game.

In those one hundred balls, Gilchrist has whacked 600 runs. That’s a run rate of 600. I don’t think I have scored that many funs whilst buggering about in the garden over the course of my entire childhood.

To add some context to this incredible achievement, he’s playing against one of the bestest sides in the world, with arguably the best bowler of all time.

The Lankans are struggling to make a come-back in the series (read: England-like desperate clawing for a draw). Kumar Chokshanada Sangakkara hit a valiant century in a brave rear-guard. But we all know that they are doomed.

Doomed.

Bloody Australians. I wish they would get a biffing.

Yawn: Australia are winning

This is like watching your dad playing rugby against your three year old brother. You hope that he’ll eventually stop pounding your sibling into the ground. But he won’t. He just keeps pounding and pounding. Eventually little Jimmy stops moving, and then you have to talk to the police for a bit.

Sri Lanka is just like little Jimmy. Except, there is no coroner’s inquiry or judicial cover-up; Sri Lanka’s defeated corpse is getting relentlessly battered and not even Social Services will intervene.

Again, the Australians eased into hegemony. With two Ausslers notching centuries. One, Mr Boring, scoring 101* overnight – taking his average to 432 for this year. The other, Phil Jacques, not satisfied with a perfect 100 in the previous match, opted for an exact 150. Presumably, Jacques is a mathematician, and likes to score in binary numbers only. Heck, if you’re an Australian, you can do that.

You can do anything you want.

Meanwhile, the impudent Sri Lankans, toil like lobotomised Lions that are too stupified with sun-stroke to grab even a blind quadriplegic goat. Even Lasith Malinga, the supposed savour of the Lankan cause – so badly missed in Brisbane – looked a member of Twickenham’s second eleven.

This is really rubbish. Australia is really rubbish. Please stop battering us Australians. You can’t really enjoy it. Look at the picture, even Mr Chimney finds this dull. Think of your forbearers. You don’t want to make their record like insignificant, do you? Think of you heritage…such as it is.

Oh, what's the point?

Putting in the opposition, rather like farting in the shower whilst not alone, is rarely advisable. This is the schoolboy error that Sri Lanka made in the first match in their series against Australia.

Australians being the predictable buggers that they are, set about crushing the Lankans for their naivety, with Phil “I’m not as shit as you hoped” Jacques scoring exactly 100 runs. Which, frankly, is just showing off.

Another error was dropping Lasith Malinga for some useless goon who reckons bowling with leather pants on constitutes good swinging. No, people of Sri Lanka, Malinga is great. He bowls really fast and gets wickets. This is a good reason to select him. Really.

God, it’s so depressing when Australia win. Sri Lanka are such a good side, they don’t deserve to be crushed like this. Oh Jesus, give me some mercy from this endless drudgery of bastardly hegemony! Just break one, tiny little leg somewhere please. Just one more rogue ball…

In other news, Muttiah Muralitharan bowled well. Which is great because Australians hate him. I know, that’s like hating Jimmy, your nephew’s adorable hamster, but that’s what they’re like over there. However, the Ausslers employed the tried and tested strategy of blocking the good bowler, whilst murdering the rest. Thankfully, they treat the weird-eyed wizard with respect these days.

In another hilarious development, all the people that take photographs of people playing cricket in Australia have been banned. Why this is, I have no idea, but it makes life difficult for us bloggers who rely on innocent internet theft for pictures to liven up an otherwise dreary entry. So I decided to go for this one. It almost looks genuine. It is, in fact, Graeme Hick celebrating his 16 at the Wanderers in 1995.

Bangladesh's trousers: how low can they go?

Some of my more regular readers are becoming concerned (nee agitated) at the reduced frequency of update. Admittedly, things have been a little slow. It’s a work thing. You will find that people in paid employment have less time generally. I doubt you’ll ever need to worry about that, though.

Never mind! I have sacked my last roving reporter, and have engaged another. He’s currently finishing a draft of the test match in Durham. So, it’ll be nice and topical.

So! What in the news? Bangladesh are still as awful as the East Sussex County Council, but, fortunately, less doomed to nuclear annihilation.

In their current test match against Sri Lanka, they stand at 72-4. Which, frankly, is pants. Not as pants as they have been. Maybe more like boxer shorts. Or even girly pants: you don’t mind watching them, but you wouldn’t want to be in them.

There’s still plenty of time for the Tigers to redeem themselves. If they stick it out and escape only a modest thrashing, they may even promote into “shorts” status. This isn’t a great place to be, either, in my eyes.

Shorts are rubbish: Trousers any day, in my opinion. You can’t beat a good test match trouser.

Bangladesh are worse than the Windies

During the West Indies tour, I have suggested that I thought the Bangladeshis a superior side to the Windies. I now formally revoke this foolish assertion.

The Sri Lankans are effortlessly obliterating Bangladesh in Colombo. The tourists were bowled out for 89 and the home team currently stands at 407/6.

Admittedly, I have had it “in for” the Tigers for some time. Frankly, I think Twickenham might fancy their chances against them in the longer-format. They did alright during the World Cup, but test cricket is designed to be the ultimate examination of skill. There is no hiding. No slogging out of trouble or indeed fielding your way out of trouble, as the Tigers often did in the Caribbean. It’s a long, hard graft.

Eee lad.

The Bangladeshis cannot do it. I have previously bemoaned their lack of character in previous batterings; you must have steel to win test matches. And they are about as steely as Saint Francis of Assisi.

Michael Vandort and Mahela Jayawardene have both eased hundreds. Muttiah Muralitharan got 5-15. My best bowling analysis was 4-11. And that was against a boy’s school that didn’t even play cricket.

That’s the sort of comparisons that you can now legitimately make with Bangladesh. They are a boy’s school, and Sri Lanka is the mighty Twickenham of the international stage. It works because it’s true.

If this continues, it will be worrying for world cricket. The question you have to ask is are Bangladesh taking test cricket seriously? Obviously, one-dayers are the Big Thing in the sub-continent, and undoubtedly limited overs matches brings in the money. But the longer format forges greatness, and is the pinnacle of international cricket. At the moment, you rather feel as if they couldn’t give a toss.

The Warid Series

This series wasn’t as rubbish as I thought it would be. Although Sri Lanka, and the crowds, undoubtedly missed their superstars (Murali, Chaminda Vaas and Kumar Sangakkara were all in England), both sides put on an entertaining performance.

Arguably, the series was one more-or-less single-handedly by Shahid “mad as a hatter” Afridi. In the first match, he crunched 73 off 34 to save Pakistan from certain defeat. This was followed by 3-37 off ten in the next game, helping skittle the Lions for 212. Somehow, he seems to hang on in the side.

The most intriguing element of this series was the emergence of the young’uns. Shoaib Malik seemed controlled and able as a captain. Playing a responsible 79 against all the odds. I told you he'd be good.

After ignoring my previous tips for World Cup greatness, the PCB decided to finally let Mohammad Hafeez have a bash. He lived up to my high expectations: scoring 34, and bowling 2-55 off ten. He’ll be the next Jayasuriya I tells ya.

For Sri Lanka, Chamara Kapugedera looked a bit, you know, crap. There’s now another Jayawardene but we won’t worry about him; he’s on his way out too. Malinda Warnapura also looked liked cricket’s incarnation of Atari – looks technical enough, but a rubbish once you start using it.

The Lankans attack also struggled with only Malinga.

When you write things like that, you wonder in the point of series like these. Don’t you? Or don’t you? Maybe you don’t care enough to continue reading.

Oh wait. You do.

Ayalac exclusive: Mohammad Asif clean

Be warned. I’m wearing a different pair of shoes today, so this blog is liable to be a bit weird. I don't feel right.

Normally, I wear the same pair of shoes for years. They eventually fall to pieces; as does my character which develops a close bond to Clark browns. Today, however, those trousers have been donned. Brown shoes don’t suit those trousers, or so I have been told.

In fairness, I am no great authority on trousers either. Some of my trousers are sentient, evil bastards. They have a tendency of unzipping my flies of their own accord. Foolishly, I have not punished the offending slacks, and only realise I’m in a dodgy pair when the surrounding shocked faces and rugby tackles from the police pervert squad give it away.

Only when not wearing thinking trousers, a perfectly innocent unzip-only-on-command pair, do I remember the affliction and become panicked. I try to check surreptitiously I’m not “flying low” only for to receive multiple stares of disapproval at my fiddling with my crotch in public.

Anyway, no such fears evidentially trouble the Pakistan Cricket Board. After watching Al-Jazeera on the ol’ free-view (which is very interesting and well worth a try), I saw a sneaky scrolling sentence informing me of Mohammad Asif’s return to world cricket. This news hasn’t been announced anywhere on the internet. So this is an Ayalac exclusive! I’m a growed-up journalist! Now where’s the bar?

The PCB claims this is because of an elbow injury, not because the the performance enhancing drugs have finally left his system. (To the PCB’s lawyers reading this: I didn’t write anything libellous there, you merely imagined it.)

The tour to Sri Lanka, which consists of three one-dayers, is badly short on stars. Pakistan lack:

Inzamam-ul-Haq – has retired from one-day internationals.
Shoaib Akhtar – still doped up.
Younis Khan – would rather play for Yorkshire (because of the great weather).
Danish Kaneria – would rather play for Essex.
Azhar Mahmood – would rather play for Surrey.

On the other side, Sri Lanka will lose the following:

Muttiah Muralitharan – would rather play for Lancashire.
Chaminda Vaas - would rather play for Middlesex.
Kumar Sangakkara – would rather play for Warwickshire.

With the loss of so much quality, the series is going to be rubbish. A lot has been made of overseas players in the English county game as adversely affecting the performance of the English national side. On the basis of the above evidence, the insatiable appetite of the counties may have a global impact. Hooray for us!

World Cup Final starts! (ish)

This is not soggy London. It is Barbados. A sunny, warm Caribbean island. Just before Sri Lanka play Australia in the final.

It is 15:32 GMT and it is, according to the bloke on Test Match Special, it’s “hosing it down”.

So, the Final has been delayed. The Ozzies, up to their usual cheating tricks, “won” the toss and elected to bat.

Everyone is very worried about this match. Partly because 95% of the population of the cricketing public want the Australians to lose. But also, they’re concerned that they’ll see another “steam-rolling” - Sri Lanka sinking in the Barbadian damp without a trace.

Seeing as the cricket hasn’t started yet, I’ll have a bit of a ramble. Please bear with me.

Now, some of you may have noticed my name. This denotes a philosophical position. I justify this stance by pointing to the Australian Cricket Team. These players have been dominant in international cricket for over a decade, maybe even two decades.

They have probably played a form of cricket most opposed to the original spirit of the game (with the exception of Douglas Jardine 1932 touring side). They have bullied opponents, intimidated them and sledged heavily. They are, in short, bastards. Yet they have won.

Why does God reward bastards?

If I was the All-Mighty, I’d make a team of decent, good-natured chaps win. Like Bangladesh. Now, although they are young, they are a nice set of blokes it seems. I’d let them win. They would grind the Australians into the dust. Every time. Every. Time. Divine Justice, is that.

Surely, the Australian nation is the greatest proof that atheism must be true?

Anyway, it’s still raining. Maybe God is softening up the pitch and slowing the outfield…?

Oh dear. Such is the rain that there’s talk of this match turning into a twenty-twenty. That would be a truly terrible end to a rather disappointing World Cup.

Here’s a final thought or a rather rambling blog: of the six matches played in the Kensington Oval so far, four have been won by the side batting second. Perhaps this and this post might have the final word in this World Cup. I hope so.

Kiwis show their rubbishness

The deep flaws in the New Zealand cricket team were finally exposed by Sri Lanka yesterday. The Lankans eased home by 81 runs, in a match in which the Black Caps were outclassed in all departments.

Suffering from two poor umpiring decisions, Sri Lanka still went on to post a formidable 289, aided by an intelligent century from Mahela Jayawardene. In response, the New Zealanders looked at sea against the impressive swing and pace bowling of Chaminda Vaas (1-25) and Lasith Malinga (1-21).

However, at two wickets down, Dilhara Fernando decided to make the game more interesting and single-handedly attempted to lose the match for Sri Lanka. Conceding 45 of his five overs (at the point when the Kiwis only had 90 on the board) Fernando was all over the place. His yips probably arose from Rudy “Harsh Bastard” Koertzen giving him two warnings for running on the pitch in his first over. That’s right. Two warnings in his first over. Nevertheless, I was starting to worry, as the Kiwis had moved ahead on the Duckworth-Lewis trajectory.

However, such is the depth of the Sri Lankans attack, Muttiah Muralitharan was brought on. Now, there are some certain lessons that come from cricketing history. Don’t bowl bouncers to Devon Malcolm, don’t rise to Shane Warne’s challenges and don’t slog Murali. Unfortunately, Jason Oram did not heed this lesson and for the fifth time on the trot against Sri Lanka, fell to the off-spinner. Murali eventually took four further wickets (in about five minutes) to pull the Lankans out of reach.

Sri Lanka really showed the importance of an all-round, quality bowling attack. Clearly, Fernando was a major liability. But there was something in the air that night. The stars were bright, Fernando. And this weakness was quickly taken off and covered up. There's no regret. If I had to do the same again. I would, my friend, Fernando.

The Kiwis, on the other hand were just as rubbish as I have always said. Bizarrely an attack consisting of one good bowler, a twirler and an army of dibbly-dobblers didn’t do the trick against world-class opposition. This team would have been annihilated by the Ozzies. I hope this episode has proven the point that New Zealand are not, and never were, “good”.