Sus Australia practice Sussex

In days before news feeds, Australian sporting humiliations were haphazard affairs, dripping into your consciousness like sporadic summer rain. But now, with the plugged-in, high-wired, brain-fed media age, Antipodean abasement streams to every orifice like unwanted canine attention.

The Australians (not all of them, mind) are currently facing disgrace at the hands of a county that can´t even collect its residents´ bins on time.

I know Sussex. I used to live there. And oh, do I have some opinions about Sussex County Council´s pisspoor administration.

Yet, I can forgive years of the non-existent transport infrastructure, exorbitant rates and even the Chichester one-way system, if they humble Australia.

If you suddenly sharing a sense of déjà vu with the author, then, er, you would be right. To do that.

Sussex gave the Indians a fright in 2007. However, the Sussexians prudently didn´t press home their advantage. During the match, I noted the relative military dispartieis between the small English county, and the nation of over a billion. Perhaps, I thought, it would be better not to arouse feelings of revenge amongst the Indian populace.

“Let us not forget, India is a nuclear power. I have lived in Sussex. The respective local authorities scattered about the county are useless. They couldn’t even get the bins collected, never mind organise a collective nuclear counter-strike.”

It´s interesting to see how consistent I remain in my views regarding county refuse policy throughout the years. Anyway, I fully advocated that Sussex win the match, to provoke Indian, nationalistic sentiments, which would hopefully lead the extinguishing of that rubbish county in a massive nuclear strike.

However, in 2009, statistically speaking, there is a greater likelihood of weapons of mass destruction being present in Sussex than Australia. Thus, we can only suppose that the Ozzlers are kowtowing to the superior armouries of the Southern county, to prevent a Sussex-defeat resulting in violent backlash thus converting Australia into a dissolute, post- armageddon wasteland devoid of culture or sentient life.

I don´t know what they´re worried about though. No one would notice the difference anyway!

Badda boom ching!

Sussex wins, or so it seems

In a championship with so many up-and-downs that most fans felt a little ill by the end of it, Sussex clinched county glory despite Lancashire’s brave efforts.

In a thrilling finale, Lancashire came 25 agonising runs short of an epic run-chase against Surrey, that would have secured them the championship. 489, however, proved just too much for the Northern monkeys, and the championship trophy rightfully remained in the South. Where it belongs.

Saying that, for most of the summer, I was convinced that Yorkshire were going to win. But injuries, international duty and a pie glut saw their hopes fade. Weirdly, as Yorkshire receded, four other teams advanced, with Surrey, Hampshire and even Durham in with a shout.

Nevertheless, the side with the best spin bowler in the country won. And what do we learn from this? Always pack a spin bowler, or at least, as Lancashire have recently learnt when you’ve got one, don’t break it, or let it out of the country.

Even if he looks like an over-weight garden gnome, with the weirdest bowling action since Paul Adams, he must be kept at any costs. Even if it meant bullying out other team members.

Well done everyone in Sussex. I used to live in Sussex. I suppose I should be pleased. But it’s raining, I have a hang-over and I have to go to work. It’s not going to happen.

Sussex: better than India?

Sussex (population 1.2 million) is giving India (population 1.2 billion) a run for its rupee in a warm-up match at Hove.

After recording 388-7 for the first innings, India had the local boys reeling on 144-5. Only a brilliant rear-guard ton by Andy Hodd saw Sussex declare on 300, and the fight-back continued on the field as India was reduced to 21-2 at stumps.

Let’s look at Andy Hodd. From his picture, you can safely assume that he is boring, and isn’t worth writing much about. Unless he scores a hundred. You can write about that, if you want.

It would foolish to announce that Sussex is a better team that India. For a start, consider the population disparities. If a small English county started claiming its superiority, the Indian army could quickly crush the upstart.

Let us no forget, India is a nuclear power. I have lived in Sussex. The respective local authorities scattered about the county are useless. They couldn’t even get the bins collected, never mind organise a collective nuclear counter-strike.

We might say that this game was even a fluke: A freak outcome produced by overseas batsmen struggling to acquaint themselves to usually dodgy English conditions. But that would be dull.

Sod it. Let Chichester be damned: the Sussex County Cricket Club is better than every man in India.

I never liked it anyway.

Sussex vs Surrey: A bloody farce

It seems hard to write about something which is neither tennis or a Tour de France. *sigh*

But I suppose I must.

Another twenty20 match reached “frankly stupid” status last night. Rain and fanny around caused a match at the Oval to be reduced to five overs each.

The match decided who was to go forward into the Twenty20 Cup quarter-finals. Sussex managed to beat Surrey by five whole runs.

Chris Adams, Sussex captain, described the conditions as “diabolical”.The rain fell, the light was atrocious, but the cricket continued. Adams again:

"It was the right decision to go out and play cricket. We have created this game, the public love it and we have to give them something to see."

I’m not sure I would have “loved it” if I were in the 10’000 crowd. Seeing 10 bloody overs and a bit of drizzle does not make for an over-exuberance evening. It’s crap. That’s what it is.

I have a lot to say about twenty20. You may have heard it all before. But I think that episodes like this don’t do many favours for the game. Administrative cock-ups, desperately piss-poor and unsatisfactory games are not sustainable in the long term, and do not improve the reputation of cricket. They're just a shambles.

Ah well.