Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Sus Australia practice Sussex

In days before news feeds, Australian sporting humiliations were haphazard affairs, dripping into your consciousness like sporadic summer rain. But now, with the plugged-in, high-wired, brain-fed media age, Antipodean abasement streams to every orifice like unwanted canine attention.

The Australians (not all of them, mind) are currently facing disgrace at the hands of a county that can´t even collect its residents´ bins on time.

I know Sussex. I used to live there. And oh, do I have some opinions about Sussex County Council´s pisspoor administration.

Yet, I can forgive years of the non-existent transport infrastructure, exorbitant rates and even the Chichester one-way system, if they humble Australia.

If you suddenly sharing a sense of déjà vu with the author, then, er, you would be right. To do that.

Sussex gave the Indians a fright in 2007. However, the Sussexians prudently didn´t press home their advantage. During the match, I noted the relative military dispartieis between the small English county, and the nation of over a billion. Perhaps, I thought, it would be better not to arouse feelings of revenge amongst the Indian populace.

“Let us not forget, India is a nuclear power. I have lived in Sussex. The respective local authorities scattered about the county are useless. They couldn’t even get the bins collected, never mind organise a collective nuclear counter-strike.”

It´s interesting to see how consistent I remain in my views regarding county refuse policy throughout the years. Anyway, I fully advocated that Sussex win the match, to provoke Indian, nationalistic sentiments, which would hopefully lead the extinguishing of that rubbish county in a massive nuclear strike.

However, in 2009, statistically speaking, there is a greater likelihood of weapons of mass destruction being present in Sussex than Australia. Thus, we can only suppose that the Ozzlers are kowtowing to the superior armouries of the Southern county, to prevent a Sussex-defeat resulting in violent backlash thus converting Australia into a dissolute, post- armageddon wasteland devoid of culture or sentient life.

I don´t know what they´re worried about though. No one would notice the difference anyway!

Badda boom ching!


GoodCricketWicket said...

I still live in Sussex, and I can tell you that this is a place that cannot build a bypass around the small town of Arundel, yet is capable of resurfacing the same road twice in two months.

In other words, the sort of incompetence that has to be practised and taught.

An Australian defeat should lead to their being stripped of test status.

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