Irish man goes crazy, people stand by

Kevin O’Brian (no relation to Chief O’Brian off Star Trek) felt the Guinness flow through his brain and the boggy peat of home course through his blood today. He went ape when they told him he was playing against Kenya.

“Ah to be sure, I don’t mind ‘em.”

Then, he saw them, and got really mad.

“Ah, dere’s only one green-clad lookin’ bunch o’ eedjets in dis world. And tit t’istn’t not gunna’ be us.”

Before people had chance to work out what he was talking about, he scored a run an Irish ball century, eventually hitting 171 off 215.

This included 12 sixes that was described by the probably dead Formula One commentator, Murray Walker as,

“OOOOOOOOOOUT-standing.”

Kenya, by contrast, are hopeless.

This saddens me. Back in the day, I used to live there. Heck, Kenya even gave part of the right good education I enjoy today.

Yeah, their administration is Italian-esque. And every one looks like a muppet next to Steve Tikolo. But come on, people, Kenya is great. They have tigers there and stuff. Let’s make sure that they win.

And to ensure this, I call for all my East African readers to head to Gymkhana Ground at Nai-robbery, find the Irish dressing room, and leave some open bottles of whiskey outside their windows. Don’t spend too much on it. Remember, they’re Irish.

They’ll sniff it out quickly enough.

This should redress the balance a little (either that, or give those bog-trotters greater powers still) and heighten Kenya’s chances of progressing to the ICC’s Baby Boo Boo League.

Kiwis batter Irish

It feels like I'm blogging on the World Cup again.

Only I'm not so fucking happy.

The New Zealanders (the team that everyone decided were rubbish) recorded the largest ever ODI victory margin over the Irish (the team that everyone decided were rubbish, but said they were great anyway). The difference between the two sides was 290 runs.

Things started off for the Kiwis in a rather rosey fashion. The openers knocked out 266 for the first wicket. After this loss, the Black Caps' Crazy Shoes started to do some talking, and they cracked out 17 runs an over for the remaining 46 balls.

In response the Irish went "Oh no," and opted for village cricket's tried and tested method of accepting the defeat and racing to the pub. Which, in fairness, was an objective the Green Gaps were wholly successful in achieving: they were bowled out for 112 in 29. The leading scorer was a Mr Extras, with 83.

Michael Mason is still having difficulties in placing the ball in the right county.

Kyle McCallan, the Irish captain, commented on many of the Irish players' controversial assualts on the Kiwians:

"Well, we have a young side, to be sure, but our real problem is finding players who understand the rules of the game. But, let's be honest, who seen Brena McCullum's face and not wanted to re-arrange it with a hurling stick?"

Clash of greens

I think we’re getting a little parochial in AYALAC. Today I will post about things that are not directly related to The England or bums.

Ireland are currently playing Bangladesh. Both sides have been categorised as “developing”, one is that top of the class kid that the bigger boys like to bully and the other is that kid who has received a few too many blows about the head with a shovel, but occasionally is capable of an amazing judo move.

For fun, try and look back at your school days, and sort yourself into one of these groups.

Unfortunately (well I am sort of half Irish) our boys in light green lost to the boys in dark green in the first ODI. Ireland had a game that can only be described as a “shocker”. They were rolled over for 185, which the Tigers chased down in fewer than forty overs and with eight wickets to spare.

The Irish have done slightly better in the second ODI, by containing Bangladesh to 246/8. Well, I say “contain”, I mean, “prevent a ravishing.” Their attack was let by Dave Langford-Smith – that’s right, he of The Ferret fame – who managed 3-43.

Sadly, there is no sign of the Bangladesh Bop, although neutrals are hoping for a “dance out” in the case of a tied game.

It is unfortunate that I have posted mid-way through the match, but as Ireland stand at 112/5, it seems as though defeat is returning to Irish shores faster than you can say “Irish stereotype.”

I could say something serious here. I could point out the huge grant that was allocated to the Irish after a hugely successful World Cup. I could mention the disappointment that followed. The abysmal county performances. The large debts that their administrators racked up. But I won’t mention any of this.

Instead I will say: Ah Jesus, t’is our boys that’s coming now. They’re the Jockey’s bollocks, to be sure.

Last Tango in Antigua

So the Irish have finally exited the World Cup. They didn’t leave us empty handed though. They left us with two great gifts: The Ferret and The Chicken. A splendid addition to my list of World Cup Dances.

Apparently, the Irish players have been practicing their celebrations. Which is understandable, if you sneak Lara’s wicket, you better have some dynamic moves prepared otherwise you’ll look a bit daft. If I got a wicket in the World Cup I’d run about like a maddy, swinging my arms about and giggling like a lunatic. Not cool.

But Ireland have practiced hard, and are now the polished image of suave. The captain, Trent Johnston has led from the front. I previously gave you a glimpse of his stlye, but here's the chicken in its full glory:

The captain explains his epiphany when creating these elaborate moves:

"The chicken dance came out of when I am out on the dance-floor, the guys say I look like a chicken so that's just a celebratory dance I've given to the guys."

Not just the team, a gift to the world, Trent. The world. Why aren't there more dedicated cricketers like this?

The true star of Irish celebration, however, has been Dave Langford-Smith. Legends have it that Dave was hopeless at dancing, but needed something for his wedding. Thus, in a panic, he invented The Ferret (see right).

The Ferret differs slightly from the Chicken. Instead of the rhythmic flapping of “wings” the arms are stationary in the shape of a heart in an appreciative nod to the beauty of the Riverdance. The dancer also emphasises his Grove by an awe-inspiring hop from one foot to the other.

As beautiful as the Gap of Dunloe.

He’s an Ayalac reconstruction of the wedding disco, where the magic began.

The coolest thing to come out of Ireland since Michael O'Leary's heart.

Ireland rhythmically jiggle Bangladesh

Alright, that headline didn’t work. But you can’t say I didn’t try.

Interesting things happened yesterday. One of which was Ireland beating Bangladesh. Now, whether this is intra-minnow warfare is up for debate, but it was an intriguing match nonetheless. The Irish gambled much by batting first on a bouncy, fast pitch. However, it was a worthwhile risk, as the Tigers pace attack lacked teeth and failed to take advantage of the conditions.

After the openers built a strong platform, a decent score of 200+ was always on the cards. The mature Irish batting strategy put a lot of pressure on the Bangladeshis – they needed to preserve wickets if they were to track down 243. Yet, the lively bowling of Boyd Rankin and David Langford-Smith proved too much for them, and from 48-3, it was difficult to see how the Irish could lose. And they didn't - which stymied by desire to see more of the Bangladesh Bop.

As Ireland have taken this opportunity to beat a second Full Member of the ICC ODI league, they now qualify for the Championship. They are now ranked number twelve in the world, after Kenya. Have a look here for the technicalities.

I’m not sure about this mechanism. Yes, well done for beating teams, but I’m not sure whether, after only 12 one-day internationals, Ireland have done enough. Think about other teams that have been slogging away for years and years. Thinks of the Hollands, the Canadas and the Scotlands. They have been playing at this level for a long time, and yet the Irish, after a few whiz-bang performances, have edged past them.

We all know that ODIs are, to a certain degree, lotteries. Any team in the world could beat Australia on their day, well, except for Twickenham second eleven. Ireland trumped a rather down-beat Pakistan, and, to be perfectly honest, Bangladesh is still a minnow and anyone’s game. Considering the ICC’s promotion regulations, you have to wonder how it has taken so long for a minnow to fluke its way through.

This new status will bring more money to Irish cricket, which is good, but the benefits to world cricket will only be seen in the very long term: they may possibly achieve test status in 50 years, but in the interim, more records will fall, standards will drop and international cricket will no longer have the pull as the “elite”, the cream of the sport. Who would want to watch a series of the Ozzies against the Irish, it would be almost as predictable as the Ashes.

Ah well, the ICC usually make the best decisions though. I stop stop worrying.

In other news, Prince William split-up with his girlfriend Kate Middleton and I am, quite frankly, gutted.

British Isles lose

England lose to Australia, and New Zealand beat Ireland.

Seeing as Scotland, Holland and the mighty Canada have all lost their place in the World Cup, it seems as though this is a bad day for the Northern Hemisphere. A Southern Hemisphere domination of world cricket? Crickers is unnervingly becoming more like ruggers everyday It's not all bad, though: at least Australia will lose.

So! The England match! We didn’t lose as badly as everyone thought we would. Oz squeaked home with only three overs and a mere seven wickets to spare. Lucky sods. Kevin Pieterson scored a century, and that made his World Cup. Ian Bell hit an impressive 77, driving Glen McGrath out of the attack. However, spineless England decided to play this rest of the innings, and only Ravi Bopara contributed meaningfully.

A lot has been made of this “collapse”, but Bell and KP built a sufficient foundation to launch an aggressive attack. Risky shots were played, and batsman got out. All the same, we still emerged with a defendable total. A little below par, but a reasonable score nonetheless. The real problem was with the bowling.

Sajid Mahmood conceded for 61 wayward runs off his 9.2 overs, Anderson was ok (going for 4.9 per over) but lacked penetration. Yes, a few umpire decisions went against us, but the truth was that we never looked like getting a wicket. Only Andrew Flintoff held some kind of control over the batsman, even Hero Monty didn’t look dangerous.

Again, one has to ask the question: why is Bopara in the side? He’s an all-rounder; he’s batting at seven. For God’s sake! Make use of him! Chuck in with the openers! Bowl him! Anything!*sigh*

Now, my last point is this: I’m not sure the captaincy was that great in this match. Shock! Horror! Ayalac questions the Great Michael Vaughan?! Well look, only five bowlers were used, all of whom (including nine overs of Colly-wobblers) more or less bowled their maximum allocation. It was obvious that this bowling attack wasn’t firing. Why not experiment with Bopara, KP, Vaughan or even Bell? It can’t harm things.

Anyway, the Kiwis also put in a decent-enough performance against the Irish. The Black Caps posted 263 (three less than the “uninspiring” England total against the same opposition) and they easily finished off Ireland. The batting wasn’t great, but the quicks, spinners and all-rounders did a good job of dispatching the Irish batsman. New Zealand look good. But they still lack that special something, that venom that Australia and South Africa posses. They are not so much a Gary Sobers, more of a Chris Harris on speed.

The "Irish" jig

Here’s a picture of another dancing cricketer to add to my collection.

It’s Trent Johnson, after dismissing Andrew Flintoff. When I saw this on the telly, I was impressed with his moves. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to find a picture of it online – all I could get was this one. It looks more like an air punch than a jig, but I promise you he IS dancing.

Maybe I should watch the cricket with a Polaroid camera at hand? I wouldn't want you to miss any more magic moments.

I’m hoping to see a few more Irish jigs before the tournament is out. However, maybe from people who are actually from Ireland. Like Ed Joyce. Ed Joyce doesn't have a bald patch. I bet his hair is his own, too.

Hungry hungry minnows

By buggery! They did it! The Irish knocked Pakistan out of the World Cup. On the same day, Bangladesh smote India. The minnows have changed world history. This justifies all I have said about the minnows. And everything else I’ve written, too.

There is a lot of talk in the blog community about Pakistan’s dismal batting. Ahmer Azhar Karimuddin in the Pakistan Cricket Update raises an interesting point:

"Who would have thought that it would be the batting that would be the biggest hang-up Pakistan would have in this tournament? "

Indeed, with the Big Three, you would think they would secure a minimum of 200 in every match. This was not the case; the batting was rubbish. Whereas the bowling was, despite the doubters and lack of stars, pretty good.

India, on the other hand, were all-round crap.

What is it with these sub-continental sides? Why aren’t they trying? Is it the old “they don’t care enough” clap-trap? Perhaps it’s the pitches? Perhaps it’s the lack of practice? Perhaps the administrative issues or off-the-field distractions? What ever it is, I wish it would stop, otherwise it looks as though no one can stop the evil Australians winning again.

As a final thought, I think we can all agree that Pakistan is a side that has not fulfilled its potential. Part of this problem has been the management issues. However, Inzy, in his current spell as captain, has done a good job. I really hope they don’t axe him, as another sacking would add to their state of confusion. I also think that Bob Woolmer has brought stability to the team, and deserves to stay on. However, the Pakistan coach has said:

"Coaching is what I like to do but whether I continue to do that at international level is under discussion. I'm going to give it some thought."

It would be a shame if he gave up coaching altogether over one mistake. It’s not his fault. We need a scapegoat. I blame Mohammad Hafeez. I had high expectations for him. He bowls off spin. A spinner should know better than losing a match. This traitor to the cause should be ruthlessly persecuted and banished from the team. It is not Inzy’s fault. Or Bob’s.

Saying this, there is clearly an attitudinal problem in the Pakistani dressing room, and something needs to change if they are to sort themselves out.

Ah well.