England victory overshadowed by beach volley ball on the telly

As you no doubt have been informed countless times before, it’s hard to be an England cricket fan. This is mostly because the team you follow is useless. Useless, and yet it talks itself up constantly.

It’s rather like the cocky kid at school despite his money-bags father, is still retarded in the brain and many other places.

England’s retardation is mainly focused on the balls. But the comparison is valid.

I have been struggling with the television remote as late. No the batteries aren’t running out (thank god I have been spared that hell) but the finger is hovering quite purposefully over the “Watch a Bit of Olympics Now” button.

I watched a bit of women’s beach volley ball the other day. A hitherto sadly neglected sport in the AYALAC household. But watching bikinied women leap around helplessly on sand has charmed me unrepentantly as late.

Of course, the Chinese won. But, the culture of the “sport” seemed so remarkable. In between each rally, brief opening bars of American pop music would blast the stadium. The play list ranged from the Beach Boys to Gary Glitter. It was a very inclusive event. Even convicted paedophiles were celebrated.

That a fun, playful, ridiculous sport can be identified by the Chinese authorities for a medal is an astonishing indication of China’s peculiar seriousness and single-mindedness in its ambition to win everything.

You know these barely clothed girls have been taken away from their families at the age of two, selected for a life of gruelling beach volley ball training. Spending 18 hours each day beach volleyball. Then learning how to dismantle a T-72 tank for the remainder of the evening.

These guys are going to crush the cricket world. Compare this twisted, indefatigable determination with the English county circuit. It’s like comparing Hungry, Hungry Hippos with Hannibal Lector.

However, what they lack is a sympathetic, if a bit frightened, blogger to help them on their way. HERE I AM.

AYALAC pledges its undying loyalty to the people of China

Today, we’re all snazzed up. AYALAC has acquired the use of a proper, grown up domain name. AYALAC is now registered in China.

You can access this site through the normal way, or through using the snazzy new domain name:

http://www.ayalac.cn/

If you feeling either parochial, or international, depending on your perspective, you can also get in via:

http://www.ayalac.co.uk/

In other technological news of whiz-bangery, I have re-uploaded the viddy-blog number 10, with much improved video and sound quality.

Apologies to my youtube subscribers for messing you all about with that, but this really is better. Actually, I'm not sure that it is. But, right here, right now, I'm caring less and less.

Video 5: New Zealand vs England, 2nd ODI

This one is a little self-indulgent. But England are really testing my loyalty, these days. Perhaps there is another option?

No news of Chinese domination

OK – serious technology problems in the AYALAC HQ. Firstly, someone, who shall renamed nameless but silently persecuted, downloaded a virus onto the main computer. All my files, and beautiful, beautiful temporary internet files, may be lost forever.

Secondly, I sort of sat on my laptop, whilst something was sitting on the keypad. Result: a huge crack, which has rendered the entire display screen unusable. In all, this last day may end up costing me thousands in replacement computer bits. Although, if anyone can beat £130 for a new laptop screen, be my guest.

Anyway, more importantly, what about the cricket? Well, Zimbabwe explore the meaning of ineptitude further in their small, but no less important, essay on ineffectiveness.

But, most ominously, we haven’t heard anything much from the Sleeping Giant, and my new champion, China. I rather suspect that they are on “silent running” – a hunter-submarine sneaking up on the other, older and clunkier submarines, hoping not to bump into them.

Sadly, rather like the taking of Formosa, their campaign doesn't seem to be going to plan. I can report that their team have been thrashed recently by the mighty Saudi Arabians in the Asian Cricket Council Cup. Their under-19 team was beaten by 191 runs in 50-over game.

However, young Zhang Yu Fai impressed by taking two wickets as first change bowler, and whacking 47 off 49 (with ten fours) as first change batsman. One for the future, eh?

What China need is someone to advise them. An expert in the game. Perhaps a commentator. Someone who is both adapt at passing an opinion and creating strong publicity on the web.

I offer reasonable rates and have a proven track-record in working with weak teams. So anyone from the Chinese sports authorities, you can feel free to drop me a line to discuss an arrangement.

Long live our glorious leader!

The future is Red

Let us find new heros. The country of my birth, England, isproving to be more rubbish than Darth Vader could possibly have imagined, so I looking about for some alternatives.

(JRod suggested that neither New Zealand or Sri Lanka were good enough for test cricket and should merge. Given recent developments, perhaps England are in the same boat – they should merge with Bangladesh maybe?)

So who to support? Obviously all the test playing nations are taken. I would support Sluggo, but I have too much love to give for just one man. I would pick a Pimmy, but they're worse than England. I need a team with a future; a team with a plan; a team that intends to take over the world.

That team is China.

In 2005 the Chinese Ministry of Sport decided that it would be a major force in world cricket by 2020 in qualifying as a test nation. Apparently, there are 115 teams in China, giving, roughly, 1725 players a game. In 2004 there were none. At this rate of development they will have 22 thousand players by 2020. That is more than the population of Twickenham. Frightening, isn’t it?

With their almost cruel training regimes and crushing political pressure, they are sure to perform at an international level. I would even fancy their chances against Australia. Although, I am a little worried about coping with their names. That might be awkward.

Perhaps not, though, we have handled Ko Ling Wud and Mon Tee Pan Sar without difficultly.

70 Chinese having taken a course in cricket coaching. It has taken on, it seems, to quote one Zhang Yufei, 15, from Beijing Zhichunli High School,

“I’m crazy about cricket. I train three times a week at school. My greatest wish is to play against foreign teams and defeat them.”

Which, funnily enough, the aim of many other Chinese institutions.

Once the Red Army comes steaming across the English Channel, I think I'm pretty safe. "Look at my blog," I'll say, "I'm nice to Chinamen there. Look at its name." And they shall say, "ah so" and I'll get a cushy position as Commissar for Cricket.

My first act will be to execute the readers of my blog. They're a lazy, unproductive bunch. I'll say "they lack ideological integrity, comrades". Then I'll be laughing. HA HA HA.