Wisden’s Famous Five

Regular readers of AYALAC will know me to be a quiet, retiring sort of chap, who is loathed to give his opinion on many matters. Today, I will break that vow of polite reticence and give forth upon Wisden’s five bested cricketers of yesteryear went.

1. Ian Bell
How this he-goblin sneaked into the final five, the deranged and possibly power-mad new editor of Wisden alone knows. Perhaps it reflects the desperate dearth of batting talent in our nation side? Perhaps it’s an arrangement with a bookie?

2. Zaheer Kahn The only thing you need to know about Zaheer Khan is that he isn’t Anil Kumble. And even that is too much. Stupid left-arm seamers. They aren’t spinners. We wants spinners! Spinners that can captain and be resplendent. Zaheer Khan satisfies very few of these demands. I’ll put him down as another bookie boy.

3. Shiverine Chanderpaul This first of the Wisden Five to hold my approval. Bowling against Chanders is like playing Scrabble against Mr Memory from The 39 Steps – the only way to triumph is by shooting him. Unfortunately, the usually creative Michael Vaughan did not attempt this timeworn tactic.

4. Otis Gibson This was a left-field choice. Could me another bookie boy, but I doubt it. It smacks more of blackmail than corruption. Sure, the part-time kids’ show presenter had a great 2007, but so did Foot And Mouth Disease, and we don’t want to replicate that. Of course, he managed ten in an innings once, but so did the Indian captain, which again, underlines Otis the Aardvark's problem: he’s not Anil Kumble.

5. Ryan Hairybottom
Now then. Here we go. A real heavyweight. He is now, more or less, England’s only bowler. He made Steve “Cheap at half the price” Harmison looked daft. More so. And the Hoggard for Captain crew are unusually hushed. Siders has emerged from the county scene like a school bully graduating into the world of office management. He is perfectly placed scoff at the accountants for another year yet.

How to bat: be boring

India’s approach to this match has been fantastic: grind down the buggers until they plead for a swift coup de grace.

The best thing about their innings, the mighty Anil Kumble’s unlucky 87 aside, was the fact that they sent their tail-enders to defend. Brilliant!

Almost every other tail-ender in the world has his ears so clogged up with testosterone that they ignore the batman-at-the-other-end’s supplications for sensible shot selection. “Look,” says Recognised Batsman, “I’m on 94; can you just defend this next over for a bit, mate?”

What the tail-ender hears:

“Lash ‘em around the park. You the man! You the man! HONK! HOOONK!”

This is why these players are bowlers instead of batsman. The most you can hope for the world’s lower orders are an entertaining 14. Take Darren Gough, for instance. Will any English fan forget his stand of 90-odd-crazy-runs with Phil DeFreitas? Tail-end batting in its purest form.

But, India’s brilliant, and wholly novel, move in this match was to ask the bowlers to bat, as if they knew what they were doing.

So, they played to percentage game. Knocked a single here, and maybe risked a two there. Even Harbhajan Singh batted as if he wasn’t a psychopathic lumberjack.

Now I’ve reiterated endlessly that boring cricket is my cup of tea. I was disheartened when Rahul Dravid lost his wicket. But the match definitely improved when the tail-enders started prodding and poking away.

I suppose that would make the world’s tail-ends into a roster of Matthew Hoggards. This is not a bad thing. We should all strive to be more like the Hoggler. Perhaps this is what Kumble is trying to tell us?

Yes. Yes that must be it.

Oh Anil, you ol’ genius you.

Video 2: Australia vs. India highlights, Perth Test

The highlights of the Third test of the Australia vs. India series. Sadly, a promising match was abandoned half-way through because of technical issues.

Bloody digital cameras and their unquenchable battery-eating appetite.

What manner of man is this Anil Kumble?

JRod at Cricket with Balls rolled out the dictionary in a lovely little tribute to the Indian captain, Anil Kumble:

“Kumble turns batting into an introspection of life itself. The batsman has many questions to face during his spell. … A normal bowler tries to beat the batsmen, Kumble makes you define the very idiom of bastmanship.”

An unexpectedly philosophical turn from a normally raucous blog added a poignancy to the homage.

Kumble is a great bowler. His figures are out-standing, his leadership inspiring and even a test centurion. But watching him bowl jar with this image; he’s not a million miles away from Shahid Afridi.

But the beauty of Kumble, much like Shane Warne, is that he is made for international cricket; he’s a bowler custom-built to get the wickets of the very best batsman.

As JRod points out, this is partly due to his solid mental approach of stripping the game to the basics of consistent line and length with some variation.

But, there are some aspects of his bowling which make him disruptively difficult to face. His fast, fizzing leg-breaks bounce and spit at batsmen. Unlike Afridi, whose deliveries kiss the surface as he pushes through the ball, in a rather complicated, rushed action, Kumble’s overs are full of dangerously rising balls which are naturally produced from his springy, elegant action.

Moreover, given his speed, it only takes a subtle variation to beat the batsman. The old adage is that you only need to move the ball half the bat’s width to take the edge. But this is an old wife’s tale, batsmen play for the movement and try to anticipate it. But the problem when facing Kumble is that you have no time to adjust your shot.

Remember when Ian Bell left a googly, all he could do was twitch as his saw the ball skid into his stumps. When you faced Warne’s googly, everyone saw it coming. But, even if you didn’t, you could adjust at the last moment. But when facing Kumble, batsmen are never completely sure where the ball is going to be.

It is in this marginal space that Kumble occupies: he’s not going to get you with a ripper, but he’s going to constantly probe at your bat’s edge. One ball after another is going to test the precision of your defence, and if you have slightly miscalculated the movement, then it’s game over.

This is why I love Kumble so much. His unswerving brilliance is to examine the techniques of the best batsmen makes for great cricket and enriches the game.

(By the way, the Dead Frog is still there. It has been there for weeks now. Through the rain, storms and hail. I think it is fossilising into the pavement. Unnervingly, though, it has rotated 90 degrees.)

Ding Dong! The witch is dead

Rejoice! Rejoice! Australia were beaten by another team. It doesn’t matter who. Defeat is everything.

Ricky Ponting tried to smile about it. I suppose, in some twisted way, it sort of justifies his possibly evil tactics in the hitherto successful 16 previous matches. That’s the way a bastard’s mind works.

Now, being an England fan of many years, I know how to lose. I’ve witnessed a kaleidoscope of collapses. There’s the inevitable slump, the enfeebled chase, the honest walk-over, desperate draw-seeking and unexpected suicide. So long has it been since Australia lost a match, that it is difficult to classify the Australian defeat into one of these categories.

I wasn’t sure if they were going for the draw (which, as an Englishman, is my first thought in most situations) but it didn't seem as though they were charging for the ridiculously unlikely win. Michael Hussey’s 46 from 113 would suggest that the Ausslers didn’t really plan how they were going to lose all.

Amateurs.

I suppose you could label their defeat as “undirected flapping”, which, now that I think of it, is another common English approach to falling on your sword.

So, why did they lose? JRod thinks that Australians can’t handle swingers. JC suggests that umpire decisions may have had a hand. King Cricket sort of mentions seam. I happen to think India won because they were led by a spin bowler.

Anil Kumble made amazing decision after amazing decision. Much was been made of one moment, where, after a spell of seven overs, Ishant Sharma was about to be taken off. Ricky Ponting stated:

“RP Singh had already taken his cap and jumper off when the young lad [Sharma] grabbed the ball off him.”

Allegedly, Virender Sehwag had advised giving Sharma one more over. With his next ball, the young quick took Ponting’s wicket. Indeed, later on, Sehwag himself was given the ball at a touch-and-go point. The opening batsman took two wickets, including that of Adam Gilchrist.

Only a GOD can make such prescient decisions. This is Anil’s victory. And his alone.

(He also took his 600th test wicket. That is, under official AYALAC taxonomies, “really good”.)

Pakistan DON'T earn moral victory, but do pretty well anyway, I suppose. It could have been worse

No. I don’t want to talk about England. I pretty much summed it all up yesterday and, as Tim pointed out, it has just got worse since then.

Today we’re going to look at India and Pakistan – sides that know how to play cricket. Their recent test match in Kolkata had everything. Huge scores, squash-buckling innings, defiant stands and a spin bowling taking the new ball – all that we want to see. Others didn't appreciate the subtler sides of this match - but, then again, I am a purist.

What I liked most about this match is that you had a winning and losing team throughout the course of the game, both trying to pursue divergent objectives. From day one, India were never going to lose, and Pakistan had to fight hard to earn a draw. This was the story of the whole match: one attempting a ruthless victory another belligerently standing their own.

Pakistan pulled together some unlikely partnerships (heck, even Kamran Akmal got some runs) and defied Indian pressure as a team. It is a wonder that the Pakistan line-up don’t do this every match and wipe the floor with everyone.

India played handsomely and were probably denied their victory by the uncooperative pitch. Anil Kumble captained like James Tiberius Kirk and showed his inferior colleagues the way forward. He even inspired the will-he-won’t-he Harbhajan Singh into a five-for in the first innings. Impressive.

There is nothing to question in Kumble’s timing of the declaration, and he was very magnanimous in scoffing at the idea of Pakistan’s moral victory in their brave rear-guard in the face of relentless attack:

"I don't believe in moral victories. It's really crazy; I don't know why people talk about moral victories. When you struggle to pick up five wickets in both innings, that's no moral victory to me. To me what matters is the result and I think overall we dominated the match over the five days."

Anil Kumble: he may be angry, but he’s still GOD. Watch out in the next test, he’ll be wrathful then.

Pakistan hang on

The one thing I like better than a gritty forward defensive played to a rank half-volley is seeing a team play for draw on day one. Like watching Michael Atherton hang on against Allen Donald, I enjoy seeing batsman sweat it out and fight for priceless runs.

This is what Misbah-ul-Haq, ably supported by Mohammad Sami, is doing in his excellent rear-guard against India. With his 71 off 204 balls, Misbuh showed immense mental strength and stature in moving Pakistan from certain disaster to probable defeat. And, to be honest, losing like an Englishman, is all I expect from an international cricketer.

The Indian dominance is due to one factor: the simply out-standing captaincy of Anil Kumble. Understanding the innate genius of spin bowlers, he quickly brought himself on as first-change bowler. After 15 overs of Pakistani ascendancy, and powerfully positioned on 45/2 it was clear that something needed to be done.

Sure enough, after four overs, the man delivered. Overall he returned figures of 3-38 off his 20 overs. Excellent work Anil.

He also brought the best out of the usually hopeless Munaf Patel. This is the sort of radical turn-around that only a bowler-captain can achieve. Whereas under Rahul Dravid he was told to “take some bloody wickets and stop bowling wides, what’s the matter with you?” Whereas Kumble simply gave him the ball, a steely nod and told “I want to get back in for some tea. Take a wicket you muppet.” And so he did.

Anyway, Anil Kumble is great, even if Ramiz Raja thought he was “prosaic”.

Spin bowlers: Their hour cometh

There aren’t too my successes in my life. There was that one time the cat sat down on my command. But no one else saw that. And I suspect he was just messing with my mind.

But, on this occasion, we can safely say without doubt that Anil Kumble’s elevation to captain of India is solely down to my tireless campaigning. Don’t worry, I don’t expect any thanks. The smile on your face is my reward, Anil.

Anyway, now that Daniel Vettori is captain of all of New New Safferdom, perhaps it is time that the world finally acknowledges the limitless genius of spin bowlers. It is surprising that the world didn’t realise this before, but a mixture of short-sightedness and stupidity had kept spinners away from their rightful spot: The Top.

Now, we can hope that all international sides appreciate the experience that their twirlers provide and appoint them captains.

There are so many obvious candidates for these positions. England has Monty, Bermuda has Sluggo and Sri Lanka has the enormously experienced Malinga Bandara.

The next stage of this take over would faze medium pacers out of the game. Next would follow the unnecessary and showy fast bowlers. Followed by the specialist batman and finally we would axe the wicket-keepers. Only then would cricket be played as it should be.

Yeah: Kumble for King

The man for the moment. The achiever. The doer. The manically-eyed spinner. The obsessive weirdo. Anil Kumble, hero to billions, has stepped forward to offer his services as Indian captain.

Surely, no one can better this king prawn amongst lower, peasant prawns. His record speaks for itself. Well, actually, it doesn’t. It just sits their placidly on cricinfo, but when you’re reading it in your head you think “blimey, all this and he’s an invertebrate?”

Not only that, but at 118 test appearances, his experience could prove decisive. It’s not just Mark Ramprakash turn up for a few decades here and there experience, it’s consistent “I’m going to win now, ok?” experience.

Not only that, he’s so cool.

"I would certainly do the job if asked to. I don't know what the big deal is, why so much is being made of this. I have said this before also."

I’ll tell you what the fuss is, Anil, you’re a god, and you have offered your services to the feeble underlings below you at their hour of greatest need. It’s like Jesus coming down to heaven and talking sense about which horse was going to win the 3:15 at York, instead of whining at you about being nice to ungrateful bastards all the time. It’s like daddy coming home from work bringing chocolates instead of violent beatings.

Some Ayalac research has discovered that I apparently predicted Kumble’s promotion in February – that shows you the true quality of this blog. To quote myself:

I think bowlers are better people than batsman, and they are routinely and unfairly over-looked in the captaincy. They need some support.

All this is still true, and more. Further investigation has uncovered a mad picture of him.

When I think about this further, I think that Anil Kumble is the best thing in the world. And maybe my sole reason for existence is to worship in His Greatness. Perhaps he was the only one who could have stopped twenty20?

I love you Anil Kumble.

Tendulkar: I’m just a temp

Weirdly reminiscent of the Ukes of Hazzard’s “Just a Temp” classic, Sachin Tendulkar has refused the imposition of further responsibility and said NO to the captaincy. Most people would say YES if they were offered the captaincy of their country. But, then again, most people aren’t Indians.

Niranjan Shah, the BCCI secretary, said in a statement.

"He [Tendulkar] was of the view that presently the Indian team was doing extremely well and the Board must think of appointing a younger person as the captain, looking at the future of the team."

Clearly, this is a weird thing to say, which obviously leads to the conclusion that Tendulkar is only in it for the free pens. A hero to cricket fanatics and work-shy temporary staff alike.

Now the BCCI has a bit of a problem. Rahul Dravid’s natural successor would be MS Dhoni, but most people that he needs another year’s test cricket before he can lead in the longer format. Once again, Indian cricket reels in chaos. Which, to be frank, is their standard way of managing things.

Throughout all this, there is an obvious solution, but concealed to all eyes. All but, of course, mine. Appoint Anil Kumble as captain.

“Wait! That’s crazy! You can’t appoint a bowler as captain. If you did that, the slip fielders would revolt.”

No, this wouldn’t happen you crazy, prejudice, ranting world. He’s the next most experienced player. He knows loads. He’s a spinner. And he’s been Official God here for ages. I have said before (sorry, can’t be bothered to link) that bowlers should be captains. But this time, I actually mean and I'm not just trying to pad out another blog.

Appoint Kumble. Really.

I would consider MS Dhoni, but, like Shane Watson, I think he has other unattractive features which are not suggestive of captaincy material.

England not bad, but incredibly stupid

I think more or less every person in England wants to hunt down Andrew Strauss and beat him to death with the MCC manual. Well, perhaps not to death – he wouldn’t be much good in the second innings. Although I doubt whether the scorers would notice the difference.

Why are you playing a hook shot? WHY?

Anyway, that was yesterday’s rubbish. We have yet to look at today’s beauties: Consider Ian Bell’s flailing willow, Ryan Sidebottom’s moment of monkey fuck and Matthew Prior’s decent into Geraint Jonesdom.

All balls.

So, it’s left to Monty Panesar and Chris Tremlett to put on a 700-run partnership to put the game safe for England and win the game. You think this is not possible? You think that there is something that Monty can’t do? Duncan Fletcher thought that, and he’s fat. Do you want to be fat? Do you? Do you? Well then.

I would say “well done India”. But I’m not going to.

I will say: ANIL KUMBLE HAVE MY BABIES. I have long championed the skills of this hardy warrior. Just look how tough he is. Anil Kumble is the God. Yes, that’s right, we have a new GOD here at Ayalac.

Almost Monty amazing. But not quite. Monty’s going to double Kumble’s score. Just you wait.