England look strong, but only they care

Sorry for the long delay in posting, my life has sort of been turned upside down. Not like that of my mate, whose dad he thought was dead for the passed twenty years, popped over for tea one day. Mine's more of a “oh my god, I’ve not got a job” scenario.

Anyway, on to the important things. Kevin Pietersen is still England captain. Oddly enough, the ECB apparatchiks did not see the glaring idiocy of their ways. Now he’s making a total pig’s ear of it by winning a match.

Very un-English.

Hopefully, things seems to be preparing themselves nicely for a feeble collapse on the last day. I can’t wait.

Although he’s still GOD in my eyes, it looks like England have quietly forgotten Ryan Hairybottom. Now that Steve Harmison has decided that he’s no longer a flailing lank-a-tonk, the services of the left-arm seamer are no longer required.

That’s life in England cricket, toast of the table one day, and burnt toast in the bin the next. It’s good that we have departed from the bad old days. The days when players were handed single caps. The day’s where selectors had favourites, and kept picking them, no matter how many long-hops they bowled. We have come so far.

Tim Ambrose looks like he’s for the chop. I don’t really see why. His keeping still seems competent enough, but the fact that he’s no longer playing New Zealand has wrecked havoc with his average.

Who is going to replace him and does it really matter?

AYALAC says: no.

Wisden’s Famous Five

Regular readers of AYALAC will know me to be a quiet, retiring sort of chap, who is loathed to give his opinion on many matters. Today, I will break that vow of polite reticence and give forth upon Wisden’s five bested cricketers of yesteryear went.

1. Ian Bell
How this he-goblin sneaked into the final five, the deranged and possibly power-mad new editor of Wisden alone knows. Perhaps it reflects the desperate dearth of batting talent in our nation side? Perhaps it’s an arrangement with a bookie?

2. Zaheer Kahn The only thing you need to know about Zaheer Khan is that he isn’t Anil Kumble. And even that is too much. Stupid left-arm seamers. They aren’t spinners. We wants spinners! Spinners that can captain and be resplendent. Zaheer Khan satisfies very few of these demands. I’ll put him down as another bookie boy.

3. Shiverine Chanderpaul This first of the Wisden Five to hold my approval. Bowling against Chanders is like playing Scrabble against Mr Memory from The 39 Steps – the only way to triumph is by shooting him. Unfortunately, the usually creative Michael Vaughan did not attempt this timeworn tactic.

4. Otis Gibson This was a left-field choice. Could me another bookie boy, but I doubt it. It smacks more of blackmail than corruption. Sure, the part-time kids’ show presenter had a great 2007, but so did Foot And Mouth Disease, and we don’t want to replicate that. Of course, he managed ten in an innings once, but so did the Indian captain, which again, underlines Otis the Aardvark's problem: he’s not Anil Kumble.

5. Ryan Hairybottom
Now then. Here we go. A real heavyweight. He is now, more or less, England’s only bowler. He made Steve “Cheap at half the price” Harmison looked daft. More so. And the Hoggard for Captain crew are unusually hushed. Siders has emerged from the county scene like a school bully graduating into the world of office management. He is perfectly placed scoff at the accountants for another year yet.

Video 9: The Empire Strikes back

We're back in business!

So England win

Put your Smug Boots on, chaps, England won a test series abroad. It has been a while since anyone has said that. Nevertheless, some England fans are treating this as an effective loss. I’m not sure why, I think that most of them are stuck on “whine” mode.

Some are confused as to where their loyalties lie, others focus on the positives, and the rest don’t care.

Generally, I think our boys did well – players AND management. We went there under-cooked and over-confident. The Kiwis taught us a lesson during the ODIs, but we still didn’t get the picture and consequently lost the first test.

Then, drastic action was taken, and we saw a substantial improvement. Shockingly, both Matthew Hoggard and Steve Harmison were dropped. And I suspect the rest of the team received a barracking.

Then centuries and five-fors began to emerge – a sure sign of a settled side composed of quality individuals.

Sure, the New Zealanders aren’t the Harlem Globetrotters, but all you can do is beat the team in front of you. England did that, so fair play to them.

More encouraging, was the decisive way in which the temporary inadequacies of the performance were dealt with. So, plaudits to Peter Moores, too.

So, do we make any special mentions? Yes. Yes we do.

Firstly, to the Kiwis, although you looked generally rubbish and at times desperate, but there are some positive indicators for the future: Ross Taylor looks competent; Jamie How should be scoring runs soon; and young Tim Southee put in an exceptional performance on his debut. His mad innings of 77 from 48 balls, giving him a test average of 136, and his five-for opening the bowling is an impressive feat for the most gormless man in international cricket.

Lastly, to the England, what to say? A typical up-and-down knock-a-bout for us loyal fans. However, by far and away the most consistent and penetrating team-member was Ryan Hairybottom. His awesomely simple bowling destroyed the Kiwis. And for that… I appoint Sir Siders as the new OFFICIAL GOD.

Hurrah!

Spring springs on England

Spring has sprung; grass is riz. At last, we Englanders can crawl out of our hibernation. The daffodils rise. The birds tweet. The hedgehogs roll freely across the motorway of their eventual demise.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, now we can be sure that England is finally turning the tide, putting the months of cold and darkness behind us, and look forward to a sunnier future.

Ryan Hairybottom proved to us that the prospect for England is rosy. Not just rosy. But tulipy and chrysthamumy too. In a sterling display of bowling, he took seven wickets for just 47 runs.

This is better than the hearing the first songbird of spring. An England cricketer who does well on the international scene is like the joy of a foot massage and a cup of tea rolled into one.

Hairybottom’s success sends sweet waves of shivering joy throughout the pools of England cricket fans everywhere. And for this I am grateful.

In a stunning turnaround, after England performed with the bat like my dog does with this evening’s sausages, New Zealand returned the favour and showed the world just how bad batting can get.

Of course, excepting Stephen Fleming, although humanity was willing him to, he failed to hit that ever elusive century.

We all of us love Fleming. Maybe it’s his quiet demeanour. His understated success. Or perhaps it’s because he so openly hates Graeme Smith. Whatever it is, I think I speak for the entire human race when I say: try not to choke out of a hundred in your last innings. Only, don’t make it a big one, if you please.

New Zealand have done exceptionally badly to let England off like this. I would imagine that it was difficult to watch from a Kiwian perspective; rather like viewing toddlers play by the roadside.

But, for an Englishman, it was certainly worth staying up to God’s Knows O’clock, enduring Geoffrey Boycott’s misanthropy, sitting through tedious lunchtime breaks, and coping with bizarre mergers of test match cricket and my dreamworld were all worth it for those occasional moments of abrupt introductions to conscious delight.

NOTE: I have received a few confused emails from Australian readers. They are baffled at the above strange picture of white weirdness. To inform our friends down under, in England, we call this substance “icy death from the sky”. It is difficult to handle. The English method of dealing with such a crisis is to retreat under your blankets with a cup of hot cocoa, until it goes away. This usually takes the same amount of time as how long it takes to walk from your bed to a chartered airline headed for the Mediterranean.

If you do note heed this advice, you will look like the people in the below photograph.

England, forward!

Yes, it’s an exclamation mark post.

The England have managed to overturn the flabby beetle that is New Zealand. With their legs dangling helplessly in the air, Ryan Hairybottom stuck the boot in and finished them off with 5-105.

However, as angry George pointed out, the main reason for England’s win, was their fortunate choice of useless opponents. The Kiwian batting simply disintegrated when faced with the moving ball.

The New Zealand top-order showed a woeful technique when James Anderson began to swing the ball both ways. Perhaps it’s because swing bowling is so rare these days, but they didn’t appear to have the basics right. They were thrusting at the ball as if was an armed pirate – “en garde!” said the Kiwis. “Touché,” said Jimmy. “AAAAAIIII!”

The England batsmen showed a little more application, although their main amusement was getting out for 40 after a “promising start”. Except for that young Australian keeper, Tim Ambrose, who cut his way to a century. Come on Tim!

Perhaps the most worrying development for England is Kevin Pietersen. At the moment, he’s like the shopping at the back of the car. You’re pleased you have the shopping, you bought nice things. But, every time you go around the corner, you can hear chaos unleash itself in the boot: liberated wine bottles roll heavily over bread; livid cans rampage over fresh fruit. You really should stop and sort the mess about, but you keep going anyway.

England should find the nearest disabled parking bay, and take a look at how damaged their bought-in Saffer is.

Some people are angsting over Monty Panesar. I’m not. He’s more like the dog at the back of the car. He always stands up and looks at the window, only to be flattened by inertia when you career around a bend. “Just sit down, you daft mutt,” you think to yourself. But he gets back up again for more treatment.

Soon, we’ll get to the park and then it will be doggy time. Monty time is coming.

Video 7: First Test Match - New Zealand vs. England

Here's another one for ya. The complete highlights of the first test match between New Zealand and England.

This viddy-blog has been rated "C" for Caution - some scenes contain mild peril and extreme twattery by England.

Right. Now then.

It is time to whine. But this time, I can hold my head up high and whine with pride.

England, the place of my birth and the bosom of my life, has produced a useless cricket team. A team of staggering incompetence that is capable of losing to literally any girl scouts group in the world.

Michael Vaughan said that there were some “confidence” issues, whereas I think there are “competence” issues here. Firstly, we bowled badly: 470 runs are too many. Number eights should not get 88, especially when we had them at 190-5.

Secondly, the batting was spineless. The pitiable collapse on the last day on a mundane pitch had to be seen to be believed.

Useless bunch of melons.

Peter Moores wants to see a bit of passion to see England bounce back and win the series. I hate it when people say things like that.

“I’m passionate about food.” I can’t stand that. Or when people express passion for any subject. I fairness, I don’t like it when people say anything really. Or people at all.

Peter Moores is that people. The annoying ones.

England bowled better in the second innings. Monty Panesar rediscovered his grove. And Ryan Hairybottom, the Atlas of the attack, wallowed in some deserved glory with a five-for and a sensational hat-trick.

I’m not sure whether it’s within the rules, but the entire England squad, with the possible exception of the Hairy One, should be replaced by the women’s team. They’d show the Kiwis a good hiding.

Lastly, New Zealand is an awkwardly placed country. It seems to make filing reports for newspapers impossible. I remember listening to Angus Fraser on TMS rue submitting a piece for the Independent just before lunch on the third day. It suggested that either Paul Collingwood or Tim Ambrose would go on to score a century. Neither made it past the second over after lunch.

I suspect that the Sunday Times suffered from the same time-zone cock up. Their headline was “England show positive signs.” Signs of positive rubbishness.

London man back in town

Sorry. Sorry. I have been away.

Only yesterday, I was coughing and spluttering out the ghastly clean air of the country-side. I was in a remote cottage, with no access to life-giving cricket. Just me, the sheep and that bloody fresh air. Occasionally, a Range Rover would pass. I’d leap out of the house to inhale as much exhaust fumes as possible in the car’s wake.

It feels good to be back in London.

Fortunately, it seems as though I haven’t missed much. Shivnarine Chanderpaul is rapidly approaching deity-status, by scoring another century. One more and I think he’ll bump Alastair Cook off his spot.

Interestingly, Andrew Strauss remembered how to bat, by scoring 72 when all about him were losing their heads. A lot of people have been arguing that he should be dropped, on the rather dubious grounds of “getting back his form” on the county circuit. People that say this deserve a Chinese Burn.

Firstly, Strauss is in form. He scored a century the last LVCC match he played for Middlesex. Secondly, it’s exactly this sort of “in-out” attitude to player selection that caused England to squander its talents in the 1990s. Stick with him. He’s going to be the next captain. Let him ride out the difficulties at the highest level. He’ll be even more brilliant at the end of it. Promise.

In other news, Ryan Hairybottom captured five wickets. He may even be pushing Monty for the most wickets at the moment. I don’t know. I can’t really be bothered to look up those sorts of things.

I’m a busy Londoner.