Australian slump slumpens

As if Australian sporting nadir couldn’t deepen any further, the Australian women plunge new depths on the diagrammatic chart of oblivion.

England dispatched the Australian women, as if they were a collection of pre-stamped envelopes, ready to claim tax rebates.

England’s conquest was delivered mainly by Sarah Taylor going postal, with a run-a-ball 120.

Australia, in response, seemed to get lost somewhere in the system, or perhaps it was Christmas over there, or maybe there was a strike, or possibly they simply ran out of postage-based metaphors.

After a promising start, Australia struggled to keep the runs coming. Nicky Shaw doing the damage early on with 3-39, and Laura Marsh saw her ten overs only going for 33 and pinching three wickets.

Placed in the context of other catastrophes, many people are now openly wondering wondering whether Australia has gone the way of the 1950s Hungarian football team. That, or the Mir Space Station.

So, what do we think? 5-0?

English women best in all the world

I am informed but a certain continental colleague of mine that the Spanish believe that England is the only country in the world that produces unattractive blondes. I was shocked by her sentiment, and would never publish such misogynistic clap-trap here.

But today perhaps the English women have finally proven their superiority over their Iberian counterparts, and indeed, the rest of the female gender throughout the world.

The international tournament of “who is best” was noticeable for its lack of Spanish entrants. We can only suppose that they withdrew from the field, once they realised the fitness of the opposition.

Yesterday’s final was the epitome of a ruthless dispatching of opposition. If the men’s final was a grisly, messy knife job, the women’s was a professional, even clinical shot in the back of the skull.

The rank amateurism of England’s opponents, however, created huge gulf in standards between us and everyone else. Their ill-preparedness and defective skills were especially noticeable in the European teams.

The finalists, New Zealand, have a shambles over their former captain, who didn’t believed that she was receiving adequate remuneration for the honour of representing her nation. Australia’s bowling lacks cutting edge. Most of the sub-continental sides are packed with duffers.

Whereas England boasts a multi-million pound (money) outfit, that provides central contracts for a class of professional cricketers. The sheer difference in quality overwhelmed a plucky, if under-resourced opposition.

Nevertheless, England’s women are the most dominant and attractive women in the world. The force of this argument is not weakened by the England captain’s resemblance to Andy Caddick.

English women get back to doing what they do best

Winning, that is.

Right, I’ll try to hide my post-pub posting here with a serious article on women’s cricket. England won an ODI series against New Zealand.

Once again, our sturdy gals have proved their superiority over their Antipodean counter-parts. And we have to say “hoorah”.

HOORAH for England’s 3-1 won victory.

HOORAH for Claire Taylor and her 242 runs from four innings.

HOORAH for Charlotte Edwards and her ten wickets (and 153).

England’s women, apparently, have more balls than their male equivalents, in their forcing home their advantage by ruthlessly finishing off the inferior opposition.

This is, apparently, a stereotypical outcome. I was once lectured by a drunken South African in a bar to the effect that English men were considered by the world as effeminate waifs, worthy only of contempt and ridicule.

However, on English women my reliable Saffer did not extend his professorial enquiry, but I would imagine that he would apply the reverse analysis, for comic effect. Sadly, he was sleeping face-first in the mud at the time.

In any case, England’s women are worthy of national celebration, especially considering their Ashes successes. And yet, they are universally ignored. Why is this? It’s the same game; same skills; but more attractive players – why isn’t this as popular as that show where a dolphin undresses a woman?

Anyway, let’s not leave this evening on a low:

HOORAH! HOOORAH! HOOOOOORAH!!

English women are better than Australian women

Good cricket, much like good art, reveals a truth about the world; it reflects facts back at us with an unswerving clarity. Today, the women from England showed their pre-eminence over their Australian counter-parts in every department, by retaining the Ashes.

If you, like me, spent your Sunday driving up to central London in second gear to see an exhibition in the British Museum, this will come as good news to you. Especially as you didn’t realise that you had to book ahead and had to content yourself by wondering aimlessly around stolen artefacts.

As interesting as Assyrian reliefs are, they ain’t no Terracotta Warrior. Similarly, as nice as Aussie birds are, they ain’t no Englishwomen.

Well done girls! I’m not sure whether they get some rubbishy fake urn, like the blokes, or are given real ashes as part of a celebratory face-pack, but whatever they get, it’s well-deserved.

Of course, the pace in women’s cricket may not be as exciting as the boys’, the first innings were played at under two an over and enjoyed a Caroline Atkins 15 off 71 balls, but they make up ground in other areas.

For instance, we all know that women have superior verbal skills, so surely they’ll be sophisticated and non-non-sensical post-match interviews. Here’s England captain Charlotte Edwards:

“We had always said we would come out here and aim to win this match in order to retain the Ashes and that's what we did today.”

Well. Fair enough. If a little disappointing.

In any case, England did well to win so convincingly. The Australian attack boasts two of the fastest bowlers in the world, and to beat those dastardly Ausslers with all their devious tricks at home is some feat.

An AYALAC nod goes to Isa Guha who took 9-100, in a match-winning bowling display that cowed the Australians into a cowardly defeat. Also, kudos to Claire Taylor. Although she manages that rare quality in females: foppishness. Still, her surprisingly Michael Vaughan-like appearance stood her well in batting – allowing her to score 158 in the match.

HOORAH FOR OUR GIRLS!