Top Ten: Sexiest Crickters in History

I was inspired by Miss Field’s guest blogger’s throw-way line speculating whether Graeme Smith was the sexiest cricketer in history.

This set my historical brain ticking: Who is the sexiest cricketer ever?

To be honest, those who know me best will readily admit that I struggle with sexiness as a concept. What I think as gormless, moronic-looking goon, females swoon over just at the very thought of his expressionless gawp.

So, I’ll be frank, I’m no authority. I’ll even admit that I’m wearing long johns as I type – which uncontentiously hold the title of Least Sexy Garment Known To Man. But then again, I have to walk to work when it’s minus twenty. In my experience, extreme cold never enlarges sexual aspects of life.

Anyway, to add to my catalogue of nude cricketers and general filth, I have compiled a Top Ten of what I consider to be the sexiest cricketers. The sole criteria will be those I would consider suitable subject for a cheeky fling. Or two. Some things transcend sexuality. Cricket, undoubtedly, is one of them.

Number 10 Malcolm Marshall

The sexiest bowling action in history. As silky smooth as those pants your ex-girlfriend bought you that you’ve never worn but hang on to despite passing years of emptiness – you know, just in case.

Number 9 Kevin Curran

Look at the tenacity in that hair. His insolent eyes. Everything about him says: I’m too good for you. And you know what? He’s right.

Number 8 Robert Christiani

People tell me that Daniel Vettori has successfully mastered the “sexy geek” look. Although, not pretending to understand this, I have taken this reasoning to its logical conclusion and found the geekiest, and therefore sexiest, man in cricket. Well, eight sexiest.

Corr. Look at this’un. I would.

Number 7 Justin Langer

A man’s man. Ready to tough it out, no matter how many balls he has to fend off his face. But watch out for the stylish flash of his mighty weapon on this one.

Number 6 Paul Collingwood

(Front.) Ginger nuts are the sexiest biscuit of the baked goods community. The same is true of people. Sex on a number six.

Number 5 Nawab of Pataudi

The picture of elegance, refinement and sophistication. Plus he has a huge conk. And you know what that means, girls!

Number 4 Mound Stand, Lords

A symbol of muscular strength and sturdiness. Can support multiple people in multiple positions at the same time.

Number 3 Graham Gooch

Making sure his equipment is well oiled before he goes into action, he’s never afraid to show off his fine helmet.

Number 2 Sarfraz Nawaz

All women can’t resist a ‘tache. Except for those that can. Pure, untamed phoar on a lip.

Number 1 C.B. Fry

This dashing, fine figure of man could certainly teach the one ones a thing or two about style. And sex.

Right. I'm off for a cold shower now.

Alastair Cook nude

Yes. That's right. Naked pictures of Alastair Cook today.

Because that's what you sick people come here for!

Picture 1: Alastair Cook offering you some Champers.

Picture 2: A dignified Alastair Cook takes off his trousers in front of a camera, whilst waiter looks on, awed in respect.

Picture 3: Alastair Cook indulges himself in some streaking. A favoured past-time.

Picture 4: Alastair Cook also doubles as a part-time eye-liner fairy, friend to women everywhere.

If you are worried by the homo-erotic turn of the site, don't worry, you are not alone. I'll get back to the cricket once I have realised how rubbish I am at Paintbrush.

Until that point, it'll be perv-a-plenty!

Streaking: top ten

Today is Valentines Day. If, like me, the nearest thing you got to female contact recently was accidentally brushing the hand of the girl in the newsagent’s, then you’ll appreciate today’s post.

Today we celebrate streaking.

The English have been responsible for many things: football, cricket, rugby, logical atomism. But no export has had such an impact on the world as streaking. This is the art of taking off all your clothes for no reason and invading a sporting event with your arms aloft.

Once on the “field of play” you have one objective: longevity. Your artistic interpretation of the present match would have caused a stir in the ranks of the philistine stewards, and they will endeavour to deny your freedom of expression.

Before they oppress you, you must leap over the stumps, cartwheel or engage one of the players in conversation. Other than that, the field is your own.

Here are the official top ten cricket streaks.

10. Michael Angelow

Lords. The 1970s. There at the golden era of streaking.

9. Lynsey Dawn Mckenzie

Here’s our Lynsey invading an England vs. West Indies match in 1995. Here strong evasion technique led to her pursuing a career as a glamour model. Whatever that is.

8. Sri Lankan Record Breaker

This unidentified, and English, streaker was fined 5000 rupees for holding up a test match. But, he holds the record for being the first to streak in Sri Lanka. Hopefully, his sacrifice will encourage an embryonic pursuit to grow in the sub-continent.

7. Paul Aveyard

Showing a classic streakers technique, he leaps the stumps in an England one-dayer. He later attempts a chat with a grumpy and taciturn Graham Thorpe.

6. Patriotic Lass

One of my favourites. This is streaking with pride. She really shows us how to honour our nation. We all have something to learn here.

5. Sheila Nichols

At the tender age of 19, she invaded Lords in 1989. A brave and stirring display

4.Liam Plunkett

After taking another wicket against the Windies, Plunkett decided to celebrate in style.

3. Fishing Hat

This unidentified fellow gets a mention not only for his bare-faced cheek, but the apparently placid nature of their conversation. It would be interesting to know what they were talking about. But, judging by Alec Stewart’s hand gesture, they’re not comparing bat sizes.

2. Bruce McCulley

This fellah was, as you can see, assaulted and man-handled in the nude by Greg Chappell. Although McCulley was fined £45 for disorderly conduct, he brought a case of assault against Chappell. He lost.

1. Erica Roe

The number one stop goes to this lass. Not only for her gay and free abandon on the field, but because she didn’t forget to bring her fag. She completed this classy performance in front of the 1983 test match crowd – which included the Queen, no less.

We’ve been a bit saucy as late, and for that, I apologise. No more nudity for a while now: I promise. But if you would like to read more about streaking, please consult Mark Roberts’ site, The Streaker, for more information on streaking in your local area.

Nude cricketers

Well, not quite. But almost nude. You see, I want to make some swimming analogies today.

First of, welcome to the Daily Kos readers that seem to be flooding my little site. I’m not sure how an American political blog is linked to an angry cricket blog, but what ever you find here, I hope it isn’t baffling. Or frightening.

The point I’d like to make is that following the England team in New Zealand is much like a visit to the public baths. Can you be bothered? Oh, I suppose I must.

You don’t really dive in and manically eat up the lanes, but you slide into the pool and have a float for a few minutes before you get going. Then you decided you can’t be bothered to get going at all, in favour of doing a bit more floating.

Then, you hit a problem. A bit of brown – who we shall call Jacob Oram – begins to drift towards you. Panic strikes. You attempt to splash it away. No effect. The relentless march of the brown cannot be stopped.

There is only one thing for it. Run away. Or, at least, swim away. For the first time in many years, your limbs begin to whirl away. But your technique is poor, your extremities are badly co-ordinated and your stroke selection is ill-advised.

Stranded in the middle of the lane, far out of your depth you begin to wave for help. Perhaps Ryan the life-guard will save me? Or maybe Jimmy the pool clearer will remove the brown.

But, in their haste and through their incompetence, Jimmy accidentally knocks out Ryan with his telescopic net and then falls into the pool himself. Jimmy begins to drown.

You wonder if “useless bastards” will be your final words. But then, as you begin to sink, you take solace in your under-water opportunity. Perhaps you’ll be able to ogle the attractive girl in the adjacent line – wasn’t she called Kevin? There nothing like a below-the-surface perv, you think.

But, to your horror, it doesn’t seem to be the Kevin you remember. But a huge, hairy 30-stone man, who is lumbering about with the most ugly strokes imaginable. Worse still, it doesn’t seem to be getting anyway.

As you watch his undulating flab sink down with you, you look up you see the little speck of brown dance upon the surface. It seems to have triumphed over you without much effort. And as you lie motionless and defeated on the bottom of the pool, you wonder whether you should have just stayed in to watch Celebrity Ice Prance instead.

It’s amazing what a trip to the public baths can do to the creativity.

Anyway, I promised some nude cricketers, and dammit, I shall deliver.

Here's the Indians relaxing in the pool. I think the bloke with the well-defined pecs at the back is our Sachin.

Here are the Australians. They're famous frolickers. There they are messing about in the bog-waters of Australia. They're taking advantage of the lack of rain you see - the sunshine goes to their heads.

Actually, a certain somebody criticized the English players for allowing the lighter side of life get in the way of training. But there are literally hundreds of images of Australians frolicking. Far more than any other team. You can't stop these lads stripping of and getting down to some serious paddling.

For all my criticism, the English know how to do it best. Here’s a recent shot of their swimming session.

(From left to right, Alastair Cook (head just above the water), James Anderson, Ravi Bopara and Paul Collingwood.)