Titillation on the 1004 to Fenchurch Street Station

That’s three times this has happened now. Why me? Where there? Why them?

For the past few months, I have suffered an affliction. A tragic, strange condition that impinges upon me only with a small locality.

This morning, like other, innocent mornings, between Limehouse and Fenchurch Street Stations, a usually innocuous stretch of rail-track, I spied from the dubious safety of my train carriage another naked man. Totally starkers.

This is the third time it has happened. And always at the same train line. Different men; different places, but always the same area, and I’m always on the train.

Thankfully, they are not.

It impossible not to look at a naked man. Your eye, like some masochistic, rogue organ, darts hungrily from peripheral view to all-consuming OMG there’s a naked man subsuming my entire vision within an instant. Your conscious is powerless to prevent its own temporary destruction.

Now, I fear, my eyes become excited whenever they reach the area. They begin their prowling, hopeful search for naked men. “This will distress our owner” say those malevolent bastards.

What is it with the men of Limehouse? Does it have a scorchio micro-climate? If so, why the hell isn’t there counter-balancing women? I have never seen a women perform a little East End dance of public nudity. Or perhaps my eyes discretely guide me away from such sights?

A friend claims that there’s a women homed near to where he lives, who stands in her bay window and four o’clock every day. Only, she seems to forget to dress above the waist on each occasion.

It is curious that she chose four o’clock. Maybe it was her post team-time treat?

In other news, India beat Bangladesh.

Video 6: Cricket is interesting

Here's another for yer. This week I attempt to prove to Muggles that cricket isn't boring, but amazing on many different levels.

Streaking: top ten

Today is Valentines Day. If, like me, the nearest thing you got to female contact recently was accidentally brushing the hand of the girl in the newsagent’s, then you’ll appreciate today’s post.

Today we celebrate streaking.

The English have been responsible for many things: football, cricket, rugby, logical atomism. But no export has had such an impact on the world as streaking. This is the art of taking off all your clothes for no reason and invading a sporting event with your arms aloft.

Once on the “field of play” you have one objective: longevity. Your artistic interpretation of the present match would have caused a stir in the ranks of the philistine stewards, and they will endeavour to deny your freedom of expression.

Before they oppress you, you must leap over the stumps, cartwheel or engage one of the players in conversation. Other than that, the field is your own.

Here are the official top ten cricket streaks.

10. Michael Angelow

Lords. The 1970s. There at the golden era of streaking.

9. Lynsey Dawn Mckenzie

Here’s our Lynsey invading an England vs. West Indies match in 1995. Here strong evasion technique led to her pursuing a career as a glamour model. Whatever that is.

8. Sri Lankan Record Breaker

This unidentified, and English, streaker was fined 5000 rupees for holding up a test match. But, he holds the record for being the first to streak in Sri Lanka. Hopefully, his sacrifice will encourage an embryonic pursuit to grow in the sub-continent.

7. Paul Aveyard

Showing a classic streakers technique, he leaps the stumps in an England one-dayer. He later attempts a chat with a grumpy and taciturn Graham Thorpe.

6. Patriotic Lass

One of my favourites. This is streaking with pride. She really shows us how to honour our nation. We all have something to learn here.

5. Sheila Nichols

At the tender age of 19, she invaded Lords in 1989. A brave and stirring display

4.Liam Plunkett

After taking another wicket against the Windies, Plunkett decided to celebrate in style.

3. Fishing Hat

This unidentified fellow gets a mention not only for his bare-faced cheek, but the apparently placid nature of their conversation. It would be interesting to know what they were talking about. But, judging by Alec Stewart’s hand gesture, they’re not comparing bat sizes.

2. Bruce McCulley

This fellah was, as you can see, assaulted and man-handled in the nude by Greg Chappell. Although McCulley was fined £45 for disorderly conduct, he brought a case of assault against Chappell. He lost.

1. Erica Roe

The number one stop goes to this lass. Not only for her gay and free abandon on the field, but because she didn’t forget to bring her fag. She completed this classy performance in front of the 1983 test match crowd – which included the Queen, no less.

We’ve been a bit saucy as late, and for that, I apologise. No more nudity for a while now: I promise. But if you would like to read more about streaking, please consult Mark Roberts’ site, The Streaker, for more information on streaking in your local area.