Thursday, January 08, 2009

Top Ten: Sexiest Crickters in History

I was inspired by Miss Field’s guest blogger’s throw-way line speculating whether Graeme Smith was the sexiest cricketer in history.

This set my historical brain ticking: Who is the sexiest cricketer ever?

To be honest, those who know me best will readily admit that I struggle with sexiness as a concept. What I think as gormless, moronic-looking goon, females swoon over just at the very thought of his expressionless gawp.

So, I’ll be frank, I’m no authority. I’ll even admit that I’m wearing long johns as I type – which uncontentiously hold the title of Least Sexy Garment Known To Man. But then again, I have to walk to work when it’s minus twenty. In my experience, extreme cold never enlarges sexual aspects of life.

Anyway, to add to my catalogue of nude cricketers and general filth, I have compiled a Top Ten of what I consider to be the sexiest cricketers. The sole criteria will be those I would consider suitable subject for a cheeky fling. Or two. Some things transcend sexuality. Cricket, undoubtedly, is one of them.

Number 10 Malcolm Marshall

The sexiest bowling action in history. As silky smooth as those pants your ex-girlfriend bought you that you’ve never worn but hang on to despite passing years of emptiness – you know, just in case.

Number 9 Kevin Curran

Look at the tenacity in that hair. His insolent eyes. Everything about him says: I’m too good for you. And you know what? He’s right.

Number 8 Robert Christiani

People tell me that Daniel Vettori has successfully mastered the “sexy geek” look. Although, not pretending to understand this, I have taken this reasoning to its logical conclusion and found the geekiest, and therefore sexiest, man in cricket. Well, eight sexiest.

Corr. Look at this’un. I would.

Number 7 Justin Langer

A man’s man. Ready to tough it out, no matter how many balls he has to fend off his face. But watch out for the stylish flash of his mighty weapon on this one.

Number 6 Paul Collingwood

(Front.) Ginger nuts are the sexiest biscuit of the baked goods community. The same is true of people. Sex on a number six.

Number 5 Nawab of Pataudi

The picture of elegance, refinement and sophistication. Plus he has a huge conk. And you know what that means, girls!

Number 4 Mound Stand, Lords

A symbol of muscular strength and sturdiness. Can support multiple people in multiple positions at the same time.

Number 3 Graham Gooch

Making sure his equipment is well oiled before he goes into action, he’s never afraid to show off his fine helmet.

Number 2 Sarfraz Nawaz

All women can’t resist a ‘tache. Except for those that can. Pure, untamed phoar on a lip.

Number 1 C.B. Fry

This dashing, fine figure of man could certainly teach the one ones a thing or two about style. And sex.

Right. I'm off for a cold shower now.

17 comments:

Moses @ Beer and Sport said...

Imran won't be happy to miss out!

Anonymous said...

psst. that's the grand stand, not the mound stand.

other than that minor point, a right bunch of lookers, and no mistake.

Miriam said...

"look at the tenacity in that hair" = best line I've read in ages.

Straight Point said...

carrying on from moss i think certain viv richards too will have issues with this list...

he was walking/oozing sex machine...

Pamnz said...

Where is McCallum???? Hot Kiwi Player.. You need more female perspective that list is flawed - although some are quite hot for thier time

Oomby Dave said...

Ah haha very amusing. Like the : All women can't resist a 'Tash', excpet those that can :P

Ceci said...

It's not the conk size that's the key AYALAC - it's the thumb. If you have neat little thumbs - hide 'em till you can conquer by force of personality.

And I'm thinking you'd need a barrel full of grease for Goochie now

Neno Cricket said...

looks you forget the hero Shane Warne. He is now in History a missfield from you.

Som said...

Imran "ladykiller' Khan, Abbas Ali Baig (was kissed on pitch in an era when that could have invited Fatwa), Shoaib 'the Beast' Akhtar, Shane "Nurse-killer" Warne are some of the notable absentees.

The Old Batsman said...

alone, Frederick Sewards Trueman - surely the only man who could play Mellors in a cricketing production of Lady Chatterley...

The Atheist said...

Anonymous, damn you, I thought that if I baffled you all with sex, that you wouldn't notice. Anyway, I thought this was the sexiest looking stand, whereas the "Mound Stand" is obviously the sexiest sounding.

I've actually consulted a real life, actual, heterosexual women on this, and although we have some minor disagreements, there are some that "may, quite possibly, at some point be considered remotely sexy."

So there.

S.L.D said...

you missed out the following
sanath jayasurya
stuart macgill
arjuna ranatunga
sunil joshi
chris martin
amit mishra

Anonymous said...

SLD,

sheesh. might as well say he missed david ward.

Atheist,

the mound stand is literally as camp as a row of tents. is the grand stand as sexy as the media centre?

Miss Field said...

Sure I may swoon over gormless, moronic-looking goons, guilty, but at least they are gormless, moronic-looking goons wearing cable knit jumpers.

Thanks for the link. I vote more nude cricketers.

Mel said...

I know that certain cricket loving ladies of my acquaintance go positively orgasmic at the sight of the following:

Stephen Fleming
Mark Ramprakash
Geraint Jones
Steve Harmison
Simon Jones
Brett Lee
Mark Davies
Imran Khan
Daniel Vettori
Ben Hilfenhaus
Brendan McCullum
Jacob Oram
Chris Gayle
Jimmy Anderson

....though how you omitted Graeme Swann completely defeats me.....

Anonymous said...

bull shit where is yuvraj

price per head service said...

hahaha I wonder who the judges were and what criteria they used to nominate the top ten sexiest crickets in history, I bet they were all women! LOL