To be honest, those who know me best will readily admit that I struggle with sexiness as a concept. What I think as gormless, moronic-looking goon, females swoon over just at the very thought of his expressionless gawp.
So, I’ll be frank, I’m no authority. I’ll even admit that I’m wearing long johns as I type – which uncontentiously hold the title of Least Sexy Garment Known To Man. But then again, I have to walk to work when it’s minus twenty. In my experience, extreme cold never enlarges sexual aspects of life.
Anyway, to add to my catalogue of nude cricketers and general filth, I have compiled a Top Ten of what I consider to be the sexiest cricketers. The sole criteria will be those I would consider suitable subject for a cheeky fling. Or two. Some things transcend sexuality. Cricket, undoubtedly, is one of them.
Number 10 Malcolm Marshall
The sexiest bowling action in history. As silky smooth as those pants your ex-girlfriend bought you that you’ve never worn but hang on to despite passing years of emptiness – you know, just in case.
Number 9 Kevin Curran
Look at the tenacity in that hair. His insolent eyes. Everything about him says: I’m too good for you. And you know what? He’s right.
Number 8 Robert Christiani
People tell me that Daniel Vettori has successfully mastered the “sexy geek” look. Although, not pretending to understand this, I have taken this reasoning to its logical conclusion and found the geekiest, and therefore sexiest, man in cricket. Well, eight sexiest.
Corr. Look at this’un. I would.
Number 7 Justin Langer
A man’s man. Ready to tough it out, no matter how many balls he has to fend off his face. But watch out for the stylish flash of his mighty weapon on this one.
Number 6 Paul Collingwood
(Front.) Ginger nuts are the sexiest biscuit of the baked goods community. The same is true of people. Sex on a number six.
Number 5 Nawab of Pataudi
The picture of elegance, refinement and sophistication. Plus he has a huge conk. And you know what that means, girls!
A symbol of muscular strength and sturdiness. Can support multiple people in multiple positions at the same time.
Number 3 Graham Gooch
Making sure his equipment is well oiled before he goes into action, he’s never afraid to show off his fine helmet.
Number 2 Sarfraz Nawaz
All women can’t resist a ‘tache. Except for those that can. Pure, untamed phoar on a lip.
Number 1 C.B. Fry
This dashing, fine figure of man could certainly teach the one ones a thing or two about style. And sex.
Right. I'm off for a cold shower now.