Indian batsman: just better?

England bowlers have been bowling well. The conditions are conducive to swing bowling, but Ryan Hairybottom and James Anderson have controlled this well.

There were patches of real aggression, variety and threat. Hairybottom frequently passed the bat, and almost had Sachin Tendulkar if Matthew Prior hadn’t realised his prattishness.

And yet, the cream of county bowling and the efforts of England’s best was not enough. The Indian batsman ground out through testing sessions, and even looked to take the attack to England.

Interestingly, two of India’s four wickets were lost due to dodgy decisions. Paul Collingwood seems to have the ability to persuade umpires to raise their finger despite a massive inside edge. Perhaps they get distracted by the glare of his red face?

The Indian batsmen are world class, and can cope with an impressive and penetrating bowling attack. It is a battle (just look at Tendulkar’s 48 in 132 balls) but is a fight that the Indians are winning. They just ride out the menace, and wait for the lose one.

This is probably because they are really, really good. And there isn’t an awful lot more we can do to winkle out another wicket. It’s as futile as using a shaggy dog to batter down a brick wall. Useless. And messy.

There is literally, nothing we can do to get out these buggers. Other than putting Colly in an Elvis outfit, obviously.

Hole without Harmison or whole without harmison?

So England were denied a deserved victory by the gloom and rain. Some people are annoyed. I am not. I was more annoyed about missing Harry Potter on TMS. And I hate Harry bloody Potter.

This draw is exactly the sort of last-minute escape to Impending Doom that England have been inflicting on other superior sides for years. They had this coming.

Nevertheless, they were the better side. The England advantage came from one factor: swing bowling. English bowlers were better at controlling it, and English batsmen were better at playing it.

This next test, when the bowl presumably won’t be swinging as insane amounts as this last test, things should be more even. And hopefully the Indians are a little more adapted to English conditions.

Anyway, England showed their best bowling effort as a unit for years. Why? What explains the sudden change? I’ll tell you: no Steve Harmison. Not having that gangly liability leak away runs allowed a test quality group of bowlers to sustain pressure over a whole session, and keep the Indians honest.

All the quicks put in a better performance than Harmison in the past two years. Who would you drop for the man from Durham? I don’t think you can justify the replacement of any of the seamers from him. Harmison has shown us that he does not hold any influence on the game at test cricket.

A more taxing question is that of Matthew Hoggard. The Hogster is great. For a number reasons. However, who do we ditch for him? Surely not Chris Tremlett – as three swing bowlers is too limited. Ryan Hairybottom? Well he is old but, he’s our best bowler at the moment, so probably not wise. James Anderson? He’s bowled like a demon. What to do?

I really don’t know. It’s hard. Damn success and its blame-reducing potential. Bring back the glory years of relentless defeat. That's what I say.

Man of mystery beats England

An individual, who is yet to reveal his identity to the cricketing public, took more wickets against the home team today. Mr ? took 3 more wickets at Trent Bridge to secure another victory for the Windies.

The West Indies beat England by 93 runs. They have taken some sort of trophy. I think all the players get new wives from Southampton, or something.

The match wasn’t all about England playing appallingly awful cricket. The better side deserved a well-earned victory. The Windies batted sensibly, placed the chasing side under pressure, and the Englanders cracked. Simple.

They also bowled better than us. This is not surprising since we only have one bower, and he was used for just 6 overs. And Dimitri Mascarenhas. What the hell is he supposed to be anyway? Chris Harris with more hair?

Being English, however, I can remain aloof from the vulgar one-day business. We won the test match series. And that’s all that matters (except when it comes to the Ashes – they’re just hype).

I really hope that these few beatings doesn’t result in another overhaul of the one-day squad. Yes, you can drop a few of the dibbly-dobblers that really, really have no influence on the game. But, like the test team, the ECB should be loyal to a set team and give it an opportunity to gel over the long term.

Of course, they won’t do this, will they? Why? Well, firstly, because they’re impressionable and secondly because they’re bastards.

Aggers: Everything is rubbish

Is it just me, or is Jonathan Agnew aged about forty years in the last few months? Normally, he is fairly positive and generally agreeable to listen to/read. In his latest comments he has a whinge about 50-over cricket. It’s boring, he says.

In commenting on the recent West Indies vs. England ODI he says it was “disappointing”, “drained of excitement” and “forgettable”. Continuing the moan he says

“Yet again, a 50-over match petered out long before the end.”

Now, I have been to a few test matches in my day. Their endings can be long, drawn-out affairs. But this does not detract from their wonderfulness. For some reason, Agnew is taking aim against the 50-over format, and, by extension, all forms of limited-overs cricket.

Why? Because the quality of the cricket is obviously inferior, and therefore we only look to an exciting climax to derive some satisfaction from an otherwise feeble relation to time-limited games. This is just rubbish.

It was a good match. The West Indies fought hard and batted, for the first time on this tour, with a sensible strategy. From a tricky position, they ground out a partnership and developed their innings into a formidable total. The pressure was on England and although their innings obviously misfired, it had some spark.

This was an enjoyable cricket game in itself. I watch cricket for the first few hours, not the last thirty minutes. Old fuddy-duddies: they get everywhere these days. Not like in my day.

Yardy to save England from death and much worse

I went out last night. To some dodgy greasy-spoon restaurant. After the meal, I really needed the toilet, but my friend was telling me a long-winded story about the perils of falling asleep on trains.

Mercifully, I managed to break up the little anecdote and ran, yes ran, to the nearest public loo. As soon as I got on the train, I prompty fell asleep and missed my stop by a Steve Harmison margin. It was a long walk home at one o'clock in the morning. That’s karma, is that.

So, anyway, England are playing the West Indies again. This time, they are doing it in Birmingham. This is something I don’t recommend.

Once again, the selectors prove their propensity for the wrong, by dropping Monty for a bloke who has a bigger forehead. Yes, Michael Yardy is back. Why? Well, first, there’s the forehead thing, and second he’s better at batting. The fact that he’s useless at bowling aside, he would contribute the odd 20 when the going gets tough. That will mean we will win more.

England have always needed a man with a head shaped like that. The recent Australian success is principally due to their cubical craniums.

Never mind the fact that if you bowl the opposition out it rarely gets that tough. What we have to be worried about it the fearsome West Indies bowling attack which time and time again has destroyed the England line-up. The selectors are wise to drop our best bowler for a guy whose international career holds no serious future and would probably never be needed. The selectors are not feckless morons. No. Not at all.

Then again, they may have needed the loo when they were drawing up the team. They probably started from the bottom.

Five year-old wins ODI

It was a familiar story to those following the England vs. West Indies series. Fidel Edwards bowls well to keep the English under pressure, but his colleagues failed to exert similar control.

The Windian upper order mixed flimsy shots with bad judgement, seeing their innings reduced to 13-4. From there, on this Lords wicket, there is no coming back.

And they didn't.

It is as if the West Indies haven’t even tried to adapt their technique for English conditions. There is no discernable sign of improvement, or intent to improve. Just useless wofting.

It’s not just through accident that Ian Bell was the highest scorer in the England innings – it gives you a strong hint at the sort of game you need to play on a sparky pitch.

Once again, it was left to Shivnarine Chanderpaul and Dwayne Bravo to pick up the pieces, and their partnership of 61 looked threatening at one point. However, along comes some kid from the flat country, and polishes the Windies’ tail off without fuss.

My brother has a three year-old kid. Stuart Broad looks a bit older than him, so I reckon Broad must be about five.

Anyway, he bowled well. Better than Steve Harmison. I imagine that the England fast bowling line-up may become quite competitive during the Indian tour. You know, when we have to bowl proper, like, and not spray it around hoping that the bloke at the other end is going to sky it to mid-wicket. Like. Those Indians are alright at batting.

For being better than Harmy, young Broady, you get one Ayalac thumbs-up.

Owais Shah Relief

After yesterday’s bitter words, Owais Shah showed us that he can bat after all and won England a game. As you can see from the above photograph image of above mentioned individual, this performance was rewarded with a "man of the match" copy of the bible. This is so he can never be alone in England hotel room in the future. He'll always have a lovely stor- book to read. I think that's the pop-up version, too.

I missed the actual game, so I can’t pass much in the way of comment.

I can, however, note that there were only seven leg byes conceded in the entire match and only one run out. Interesting, that.

In another match that I missed, India beat South Africa. Why? Mainly because they’re better, but also because they wore a marginally more attractive kit. The best looking side in the field always wins.

It’s raining where I live. Matthew Hoggard is still not captain, so it’s raining in my soul too.

Windy20

I tried to make “West Indies” into a “twenty20” pun. Like most of my efforts, it died like a shrew in a barn owl factory.

My point is this: West Indies cricket is perfectly suited to twenty20. They demonstrated their natural warming to the game yesterday by beating England by 15 runs.

The wofty, quick-fire 40s and 50s, which were criticised throughout the test series, are the ideal bed-rock for any 20-over score. And this was what the Windies’ top-order provided: Shivnarine Chanderpaul (41 off 26), Marlon Samuels (51 from 26) and Devon Smith (61 off 34) all played perfect innings to put their team in the chair behind the steering wheel – the “driving seat” if you will.

Twenty20 does not require a prolonged, grafting innings that the Windies' seem incapable of producing (Chanders aside). No endurance; not much thought; just swing the bat and wahay. Bloody fantastic.

However, the most noticeable change was in the fielding. They were a transformed team. Jonathan Agnew reckons the fielding was “a hundred times better.” I could not believe my eyes when I saw out-fielders attack the ball, competently collect it and send back a sharp return. They even managed two run-outs. Moreover, the final overs bowling of Ravi Rampaul and Dwayne Bravo showed forethought, control and discipline.

Chris Gayle reckons that the administrative mess over the last few days may have been responsible in pulling the team together. This is certainly nonsense. But, there you are.

If they keep this up then Ayalac may consider them a winner for the twenty20 World Cup.

From an England perspective, it is interesting to note that the new brooms (Dimitri Mascarenhas, Owais Shah, Ryan Sidebottom and Jonathan Trott) failed. Whereas England had to rely on “non-specialists” (Paul Collingwood and Jimmy Anderson) to buttress the assault. I’m not sure about this picking 20twenty “experts” business. I think that quality tends to shine through in most forms of the game, and sticking to the same core of players promotes a good team spirit. Like Casper.

The Windies blow back

Two things.

One, the West Indies have managed to win a match. The first of the tour, I think. Playing a team that doesn’t exist in a 20-over game, they beat the PCA Masters by 56 runs. Hopefully, this should raise morale a little, and make for a more competitive one-day series.

Second, after Chris Gayle’s “disappointment” with the West Indies Cricket Board in its handling of the one-day team, the WICB has issued him with a “strongly worded” statement and a meeting with the Board’s President which couldn’t have been anything other than a bollocking.

In my list of competencies for international captaincy, I included handling of the press as a key criterion. In cabinet government, there is the concept of “collective responsibility”, that is, ministers must adhere to all decisions of the administration, regardless of whether they agree with them. I feel that the same must be true of a national cricket team.

Public spats, expressed negativity and open disgruntlement send out destabilising waves and can only serve to sap team-confidence. The WICB had to crack down on these irresponsible comments.

However, the public reprimand of Gayle also broadcasts the wrong message to the Windies’ younger players and further creates an uneasy atmosphere in the West Indian camp. Surely, a quiet word would have been more appropriate? Instead, on the WICB website, a press release talks of making Gayle aware of the “true circumstances” and declaring his conduct “totally unacceptable”.

This, as Winston Churchill would say, is a mess, stuck in a disaster, swamped in a cock-up.

London man back in town

Sorry. Sorry. I have been away.

Only yesterday, I was coughing and spluttering out the ghastly clean air of the country-side. I was in a remote cottage, with no access to life-giving cricket. Just me, the sheep and that bloody fresh air. Occasionally, a Range Rover would pass. I’d leap out of the house to inhale as much exhaust fumes as possible in the car’s wake.

It feels good to be back in London.

Fortunately, it seems as though I haven’t missed much. Shivnarine Chanderpaul is rapidly approaching deity-status, by scoring another century. One more and I think he’ll bump Alastair Cook off his spot.

Interestingly, Andrew Strauss remembered how to bat, by scoring 72 when all about him were losing their heads. A lot of people have been arguing that he should be dropped, on the rather dubious grounds of “getting back his form” on the county circuit. People that say this deserve a Chinese Burn.

Firstly, Strauss is in form. He scored a century the last LVCC match he played for Middlesex. Secondly, it’s exactly this sort of “in-out” attitude to player selection that caused England to squander its talents in the 1990s. Stick with him. He’s going to be the next captain. Let him ride out the difficulties at the highest level. He’ll be even more brilliant at the end of it. Promise.

In other news, Ryan Hairybottom captured five wickets. He may even be pushing Monty for the most wickets at the moment. I don’t know. I can’t really be bothered to look up those sorts of things.

I’m a busy Londoner.

Test match cricket is great

What a high-quality end to a game that has been a little frail around the edges.

Viv Richards thought the second day’s play was the worst he’d ever seen in test match cricket. But the enthralling developments towards in the second innings produced an absolute cracker.

In fairness, this was mainly due to England’s wayward bowling. Although Steve Harmison seems to be pulling himself together, only Monty Panesar looked like finishing the Windies off. However, the boys in red took the fight to England, and really knuckled down.

Unfortunately, their bowling didn’t reflect this toughness. They leaked 77 extras in England’s innings, and gave away lord knows how many runs in misfields. Coupled with the numerous drop catches and dodgy umpiring decisions, this game could have been a lot closer.

Secretly, I wanted them to win. Shivnarine Chanderpaul’s typically gritty 116 not out off 257 was a splendid effort. If he had one more competent tailender then he could have taken his side home, and his innings would have been one of the all-time greats. Sadly, it was not to be.

Cricket has this great capacity for making heroes out of those who may not have the ability, but put their all into the moment. A stodgy, stubborn knock by a tail-ender could have been the decisive innings of the match. Test match cricket has the faculty of drawing out greatness from good players, and Chanderpaul excelled in this arena. Even Panesar filled his boots. A top quality match.

In other news, Aleem Dar had evidently been pondering the question I posed yesterday, by having a few words with Monty about his over-keen appealing. A fair comment and exactly the sort of way that the player-umpire relationship should be managed. You don’t really need this technology malarkey, or a Daryl Hair-like aggressive adhesion to the rules. Just a couple of blokes that can rub along well and enjoy the cricket.

West Indies recover some pride

The Windian batsman showed a lot of character, to end yesterday’s play on 301 for 5. Shivnarine Chanderpaul led the way with 81, with solid support from the middle order.

Everyone thought that Brian Lara was the West Indies’ best player. This may have been right. However, my favourite was always Chanderpaul. Mainly because everything about him is a bit weird. You watch him in the out-field; he’s not quite all there, is he?

His crabby batting stance and his barely co-ordinated movements exude incompetence. It’s a wonder he manages to hit the ball at all sometimes. But Chanders is a genius. A weird genius.

He works for his runs. He nurdles, nudges and weirds runs out of the bowling. What was most noticeable out of yesterday’s innings was his stunning ability to time the ball so well. Lara, with his high backlift, was all about power, over-awing the opposition. Chanderpaul quietly accumulates singles, and occasionally extends himself and sweetly timing stray deliveries to the boundary.

Just look at the shot in the picture. Getting well underneath the ball, he deliberately edges a sneaky single to fine leg. All without looking at the ball. That’s talent.

Regular readers may have noticed that I have a soft spot for the steady battlers, the boring batsman, but they will also know that I an affection for spinners. My champions excelled yesterday.

Monty Panesar once again betrayed the one-dimensional nature of England’s attack. With Steve Harmison still inconsistent, the refusal of the ball to swing for Ryan Sidebottom and Liam Plunkett’s amateurism, I would rather fancy the Windies’ chances of chasing down the 400.

Monty, however, generated his own pressure, and constantly threatened the batsman with spin and bounce. However, I rather think his enthusiasm got the better of him at some points, putting the umpire under a lot of pressure.

English fans used to oppose this rather vulgar element to the game that originated overseas. It’s as if you actually want to win, which is, of course, a base objective. Now the intimidation of the umpire is creeping into the English game, I think that the ECB should try to nip it in the bud. Maybe limit appeals to two an over – but even this seems a lot. Tricky one, that.

I’ll try and think of an answer. If I do, you’ll be the first to know.

West Indies try to recover some pride

With 450+ runs to get, another overseas defeat is certain for the West Indies. However, by posting 300-odd, they can regain some lost self-respect and put to bed these distracting administrative issues. With the Board messing about with the captaincy issue, they are not doing a destabilised and troubled side any favours. Adding another captain to the situation would only make matters worse.

In other news, Steve Harmison is bowling well. He bowled an entire over without conceding a wide. Heck! He even managed a wicket-maiden! With the appointment of Allan Donald, and the inclusion of Ben Harmison’s brother (Steve’s brother) as twelfth man, the Durham paceman seems to be responding well to the latest molly-coddling.

Apparently, he has had some technical changes to his action: adjusting his acceleration through the crease and giving himself more space during the delivery. I doubt whether these are actually genuine changes, but the alterations can aid the mental side. A reconstituted action appears to be assisting Harmison recapture his lost confidence.

I stick by my original comments for calling for his head. I’d still give him the rest of the summer. But I’m not sure whether the England cricket should focus its resources on “encouraging” a fragile Harmison. Undoubtedly an international sport attracts prima doners, delicates and eccentrics, but the question is how much time should we invest into these special cases? And are they worth the effort?

For sure, Harmison has the potential and occasionally looks dangerous, but so did Mark Ramprakash. When do you say that enough is enough?

Alastair Cook: Officially God

This man is amazing. So amazing, he must be a deity.

I have therefore declared young Cooky a God. You may worship him by turning your childhood cricket bat into a shrine to the Essexshire opener. Offerings of tea and cream cakes are advised.

Today he hit another hundred. Not a huge one, a mere 106, but his consistency is reaching Mark Ramprakash proportions. Although, it is against the Windies. They're a bit like the cricketing version of Bangladesh.

Saying that, they’re a versatile bunch. The keeper, Ramdin, is injured, and Dwayne Bravo, of all people, has filled in. Sir Viv reckons he’s the talisman of the side. Jonathan Agnew thinks that he must be exhausting to go out with.

I think that would be an accurate description of me. But usually because I’m hard work to talk to and would rather be in bed. I’d rather be in bed now. But instead, I’m increasing the word’s supply of tyops.

That’s the sort of talisman I am.

West Indies bowl moderately better

Whenever England go out to get, I have this feeling that Paul “Colly” Collingwood is a game away from being dropped. Somehow, he stays in. That’s the magic of Collingwood: the Adhesive Ginger. But yesterday he, and the rest of the middle order, became unstuck.

Ian “Belly” Bell did well to rescue the side from a potentially disastrous collapse. He was still there at the end of the day’s play, with 77. He put on 98 for the fifth wicket with Matt “Priory” Prior, the skinhead wicket keeper contributing 40.

There’s something of the flat-track bully about Prior. Most county attacks have more venom than these Windies, and the South African born Sussex man with two legs has taken every opportunity to strike. It will be interesting to see how well he does against sides with quality attacks, like Glamorgan.

His downfall may have been his partner’s fault. In a period of studied strike-farming, Prior faced only six balls in the seven preceding overs prior to his demise. After scoring a four, he attempted a daft shot and was caught in the deep. Was this because of self-inflicted pressure? Did Bello not rotate the strike? No one cares. All we want to see is another Belly century at number six.

Do I have anything else to say? No.

Nothing else.

Day one, Old Knackered: No streakers yet

So busy, was I, complaining about the weather and being bitter I forgot there was a test match on. Speculatively firing up the computer, to have a quiet browse of the cricket sites, I was bowled over by news of Alastair Cook's half century.

I didn't see that coming. It's troubling times when international cricket does not consume your life.

The next England captain, Andrew Strauss, is beginning to cause real worries for the future, by failing to score again. If Straussy loses form, who will take over from Michael Vaughan now? It must be Hoggy.

The most interesting aspect of this game so far is the inclusion of Fidel Edwards and throwing of a cap Darren Sammy’s way.

What you need to know is this: Edwards is fast, but a bit of a Harmison. Sammy is apparently a swing bowler, but is much like all the other blokes that failed previously, so much like a slower Harmison.

This may, or may not, be interesting.

Anyway, I’m going to stop writing now. The ill must not be made to suffer unless any of their lazy readers send in some cash. But they never do. Those lazy bastards.

Windies, and crowd, battered

The biggest defeat in West Indies’ fine history. England win by an innings and 283 runs. The Windies played some appalling cricket. The bowling was Harminson-like, and the batting lacked purpose, common sense and method of combating a swinging ball.

I first thought the Windies were doing a New Zealand, but their slide is reaching Zimbabwe proportions... or gradients. That's how you measure slopes, right?

Admittedly, a lot of the loss is due to losing key players: Shiv Chanderpaul and Ramnaresh Sarwan. Yet, it would have taken substantial contributions by both these men to have stemmed the tide. This is distressing for people who like cricket and like the Windies especially. I really hope they work out how to play again.

Noticing my lack of posts recently, I sent a reporter to Headingley to provide in depth analysis from the boundary. Here are some of his wires. (I warn you, they are in “text message” so half of it is unintelligible, the other half seems to be garbled by drink, so try and make the most of it).

Report one: 1:41pm
We are holding out hope… Missed the morning session, but was only a few overs. Moisture in the air, men in nuns outfits, it’s Headingley for sure!

Evidentially, a sufficient quantity of Tetley’s affects your orienteering skills. Seems like it took him a while to work out where exactly he was. Not a promising start.

Report two: 2:24pm
And another. And it’s raining. No, hailing.

I assume he’s still in Headingley. I wasn't convinced of his initial claims. We’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Not much in-depth analysis yet. Maybe he's saving it up for later?

Report three: 2:41pm
I think the lack of play means the crowd are even more drunk than usual! Mexican wave was actually successful. Hoping for more play and for west indies to put up a bit of a fight!

Sub-editors are supposed to remove the mistake, or stick a sarcy (sic) after everything. I however prefer to give the truth to the people as is. This is more "colourful descriptions of the ground in order to build a sense of atmosphere” as opposed to a technical study of Dwayne Bravo’s leg glance. But I’m sure that’ll come later.

Report four: 3:06pm
Well, the western terrace is nearly full but everywhere else is empty. I guess only the drunkards have braved the rain. And they really are drunk…

When was the last time someone used the phrase “drunkard”? Lord Denning in Court 4, crica 1952? And, most surprisingly, they actually are drunk! And the agency said he was alright…

Report five: 4:53pm
We only had time for 3 pints! A short and sweet day of cricket, good fun would have liked to see more action.

There are some other items filed, but the drink seems to have taken hold. They also become quite misogynistic , so I can't share them with you. I’ll have to strike that journo off the list. He wasn't cheap, either. Bloody agency.

Anyway, that's it for today. I’ll be quiet over the next few days. Please don’t get angry.

West Indies are the new New Zealand

West Indies and fast bowling used to go together like chips and beer. Devastating when indulged in to excess. The combination is now comparable to chips and Gillian McKeith – liable to result in a ruptured mid-wicket.

Sorry about the absence; I have been away recently. That hasn’t stopped the sarcy comments coming in, however.

First of all, is this the first test match in England to start on a Friday? Does no one feel this is a little, you know, foreign? Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for foreign things. Heck, I went to the Chinese last night. I’m just not at all keen on the strange, foreign ideas affecting our little institutions.

But foreignness builds bad karma, do ju-ju, or something. Saying things like “centimetres” instead of “inches” cumulates your death-gauge reading on the karma count. Once it gets too high… well, who knows? This test match starting on a Friday business could result in some kind of karmic explosion. I wouldn’t like to be near the ECB right now.

Anyway, on to cricket. Kevin Pietersen should get a double hundred. Just like the Robert Keys and Paul Collingwoods of many years ago. KP has wanted this for ages. But he’s just been too impatient to get it. Now that the pacing of test match innings has been mastered, huge scores are open to him. Which is nice.

So, all the West Indies bowlers are rubbish. Much like the traditional Kiwi method of attack, the Windies put forward a couple of dibbly-dobblers and hope for the best.

This strategy never works.

Apart from a late spell by Corry Collymore last night, where he extracted some swing and two English batsman, the West Indian bowling was an open cheque to Vaughan and all the rest. Very poor stuff.

Lords, Day Five: Be careful what you wish for

So after four days of solid praying for gloom and rain, the gods finally succumb and granted my wish. Sadly, the heavens pour on the fifth day – the only day I could go. A wash out, more or less, meaning no cricket for me. Buggered.

Damn ye gods!

I could write about other important cricketing events. All the sub-continental teams are playing today. India are doing well against Bangladesh. Pakistan handsomely beat Sri Lanka. Instead of talking about this, I shall write about girls.

I like girls. I like cricket. There are a number of parallels that are worth noting:

- Both are full of unfathomable rules and regulations.
- Both enjoy standing around the sun for five days doing nothing in particular.
- Both stop everything stops when there’s even a little bit of rain.
- Both pack in as many snacking opportunities as possible.

Girls and cricket. Both lovable in their own way.

Lords, day four: the hope lingers

Well well. A West Indian fight-back has increased my hopes of watching a few overs on Monday. A traditionally gritty half century by Shiv Chanderpaul, a blistering knock from Dwayne Bravo and a refined 60 from Denesh Ramdin ensured that the Windies were in a reasonable position to play for the draw.

The bowling from England was indifferent. Money Panesar, the favourite of the nation, carried the attack single-handedly by taking 4-108. What a star. Steve Harminson, after a decent enough morning session, fell apart after lunch. Wides galore.

How hard is it to pitch it in the right area? The Ayalac conducted a little test last night. With a toy-hedgehog, I practiced some away-cutters in my hall – or corridor of uncertainty, as it were. All the balls pitched in or around the door region. Right on the money.

I also practiced my Jonny Wilkinson drop-kicking. All but one hedgehog sailed gloriously over the posts (the door frame). Clearly I am a wasted talent.

Why can’t Harminson be as good as me? Why indeed.

Anyway, with Plunkers looking inoffensive and Hoggy out, it could be another long-day in the park for the England boys. I could be in Lord’s yet.

Viva la resistance!