So, England are the best team ever

It seems proven then. England are the best team ever and Ravi Bopara is the new Lenny Kravitz.

Playing in the only test ground north of the Artic Circle, the Durham cricket fans are showing the world just how popular test cricket still is. Although the West Indies are doing their best to show us that it doesn’t really matter any more – there are more important things in life now.

Chris Gayle has the air of a man whose passionate girlfriend is jumping all over him, but because of the sounds of the neighbouring Morris dancing session he is finding it hard to get into the mood. He seems to be trying his best to respond, but the gentle clunks and whoops of the tubby men next door are proving compulsive listening, and certainly not eliciting the desired reaction.

Two Essex lads made runs for England yesterday. The most noticeable feature of this was their post-match interviews, were viewers could delight their Beckham-esque, streetwise accents.

“Yeah, mate, we chuffin’ ‘ammered ‘em propah.”

In celebration, Southend Pier was moved seven miles inland, in order to turn it into a giant kebab, in a bid to provide Alistair Cook with the mental encouragement to forge a double century.

It’ll probably happen, not because of the kebab, but because England only get double hundreds against the West Indies. But, of course, they’re still quality opposition.

Gayle gets runs with a bat

Although there has been a lot of truthful raging against the rubbishness of twenty20, I somehow found myself of being enthralled by one of those bastard matches.

I was mainly drawn in by the incredible batting of Chris Gayle. He managed to bludgeon the South African attack for 117 in just 57 balls – heaving 10 sixes in the process.

What compelled me to watch an otherwise impoverished format was the crazed, unorthodox stroke play. The photo is a case in point. He is standing well outside his leg-stump, standing tall and flays a cross-the-line slog. Even when the bowlers altered their line to follow him, he managed to adjust at the last minute and still club them for six, despite being totally out of position. Astonishing.

It is testament to his innings that the rest of his team affected a near-collapse after the fall of the wicket. The Windies’ inability to follow-up this foundation with an impregnable score rather gave the momentum to the Saffers.

The West Indies’ effort was also stymied by the disintegration of their fielding. I counted three drops that were near to dollies as you could ask in international cricket. Nevertheless, the random swinging of the bat by South Africa proved successful, and they eventually won by a handsome margin.

In other news, Kenya received a thumping by the hands of New Zealand. Mainly thanks to their new overweight bowler Mark Gillespie, who equalled The Atheist’s career best with 4-7. Kenya lost because the Kiwis spiked their tea – they put too much milk in, which would seriously affect anyone’s mental condition.

I am still standing by my randomness thesis. There will be plenty of upsets. I wouldn’t be surprised if Zimbabwe beat the Aussies. Or even won the World Bloody Championship.

Bureaucrats bluster

OK – so the Chris Gayle saga continues.

Not only did the newly-appointed one day captain attack his own board. Not only did the WICB publicly tear a stripe off Gayle. But it appears now that there was some deception involved.

A new party has entered the brawl: The West Indies Players’ Association. They claim that team manager, Mike Findlay, in fact, approved the offending blog. Who, later with the WICB President, reprimanded Gayle for his “unacceptable” behaviour.

Thus, the WIPA argues, Gayle has no reason to apologise as the management already condoned his piece. That Findlay was involved in the disciplinary process makes the entire debacle ever more farcical. It’s like agreeing to buy your four-year old ABSO daughter an ice cream, and then chastising her for not watching her weight.

Dinanath Ramnarine, a spokesman for the WIPA, makes another interesting point. He notes that the WICA President dealt with the matter, not, as convention would dictate, the chief executive officer. The holder of this post, Bruce Aanensen, previously lambasted the Windies players for being useless.

"Is this because Mr Aanensen publicly referred to the players as incompetent and felt he may have lost the respect of Chris and the team, and in fact owed them an apology?”

So now we have a situation of total chaos. The WICB criticises the players, which appears to be acceptable behaviour, as no action has been taken against Aanensen; the players criticise the WICB. No cohesion; no direction. An utter shambles. It would be impossible for any team to pull themselves together in this divisive atmosphere.

The Windies blow back

Two things.

One, the West Indies have managed to win a match. The first of the tour, I think. Playing a team that doesn’t exist in a 20-over game, they beat the PCA Masters by 56 runs. Hopefully, this should raise morale a little, and make for a more competitive one-day series.

Second, after Chris Gayle’s “disappointment” with the West Indies Cricket Board in its handling of the one-day team, the WICB has issued him with a “strongly worded” statement and a meeting with the Board’s President which couldn’t have been anything other than a bollocking.

In my list of competencies for international captaincy, I included handling of the press as a key criterion. In cabinet government, there is the concept of “collective responsibility”, that is, ministers must adhere to all decisions of the administration, regardless of whether they agree with them. I feel that the same must be true of a national cricket team.

Public spats, expressed negativity and open disgruntlement send out destabilising waves and can only serve to sap team-confidence. The WICB had to crack down on these irresponsible comments.

However, the public reprimand of Gayle also broadcasts the wrong message to the Windies’ younger players and further creates an uneasy atmosphere in the West Indian camp. Surely, a quiet word would have been more appropriate? Instead, on the WICB website, a press release talks of making Gayle aware of the “true circumstances” and declaring his conduct “totally unacceptable”.

This, as Winston Churchill would say, is a mess, stuck in a disaster, swamped in a cock-up.

Gayle blows through the West Indies

Some of you may think that’s a good headline. Don’t delude yourself. You and the headline are pants and poorly thought out.

Chris Gayle the good but-is-he-really-that-good-? West Indian opener has decided to make post-match cocktails that much icier by laying into the WICB. On a real, live, published blog, he says:

“First and foremost I am very disappointed with the West Indian cricket board
(WICB) for not having the guys here in England already and ready to play”

Consequently, the Windies are “struggling to find 11 players to turn out”. Remember, in Sportsman-speak “disappointed” means “livid like a cuckolded ape-thing”.

Not being a Windies fan, I find it rather hilarious that, forgetting that they have another series to fight, they injure half their players and send home the rest, selecting people they find in the street with a vaguely Caribbean background.

If I were, say, Jamaican (would that it was) I would probably do a Mark Vermeulen, and burn down the WICB building. Then again, I’d burn down most buildings if I had half the chance.

Not only are ex-pros openly attacking the West Indies team, but so are its current players. All pretexts of collective responsibility have melted away, with fingers pointing in all directions, leaving, what we call in Twickenham, a shambles.

What the West Indies need is Alan Sugar to sort them out. Oh wait, he does bugger all except criticise people, whilst he companies go down the tubes. Alan Sugar: You’re rubbish!