England beaten by huge margin at the hands of stars

According to AYALAC’s refined methodology of re-weighting a team’s score by using irrelevant criteria, England lost to the star-peppered Trinidad and Tobago yesterday.

And by buggery did they lose big.

D. Charlton asked a cutting question recently (it was, I admit, hard to find sense in a fog of misguided comments). He asked:

“How many runs to England need to score to beat T&T tonight - before a ball is bowled?”

Well, let’s see. T&T’s land area is 1,980 square miles, and, as we saw yesterday, England is 50,351 square miles.

So, by my reckoning, the first ball of the match needed to be a no-ball, from which, England would proceed to run a relative modest 3,335 over-throws.

After achieving this, only then could England consider winning.

But, once again, our boys in whatever colour it is their advertisers have chosen for them these days, have failed us. And failed us bad.

By my recalibrated understanding of “the rules” England lost by 3,499 runs. Once again, not only did the opposition manage to chase down England’s total of 141 after just two balls, but they proceeded to put on a sensational show of hitting just to entertain the crowd and certain deluded parts of my mind.

What a victory by the young men from two islands whose names both begin with the letter “T” – what are the chances of that! After such a strurpling win under their belts, success, wealth and many, many women will surely come their way.

For England (and a small, rubbishy part of South Africa) this day will live in infamy. INFAMY.