West Indies blown out of the window (World Cup)

’m too depressed to blog. The Windies, despite my fervent backing, finally bow out of the World Cup. Apparently, it’s still mathematically possible for Lara’s boys to get through, if New Zealand recalls their 1975 team, for instance. But we all know that even a bunch of naked old commentators would still fancy their chances against the West Indies.

There has been a lot of negativity in the Caribbean about their team’s lack of performance. I am normally dead keen on moaning and being bitter. But it seems to be wearing down the mental strength of an already feebly-minded bunch.

It would have been truly wonderful if they won, though. I think the UN would have declared world peace, or something, if Lara had held aloft the World Cup. Actually, I think the UN always bang on about world peace, but, rather like Geoff Boycott, think they’re too tedious to listens to these days. Or, for that matter, ever.

Ah well. We all knew this would happen. But I let my jubilant elbows get the better of me. Why didn’t anyone restrain my naïve joints, eh?

Why are all the sides I support rubbish?

Well, it looks like Brian Lara’s confidence was misplaced. Yesterday, the Windies failed in their objective of not looking like tits, and were battered by New Zealand.

The Predictoron, predictably, was wrong, And I feel more pain.

As an England fan, I have suffered greatly at the hands of my team. I have lived a vicarious life: I feel woe when they lose and disbelief when they win. It is an intimate, if disappointing relationship. I have invested so much into my support, but what do I get in return? More agony.

So, I thought it would be ok to have a little fling, a small, meaningless affair. A wee dabble on the side, whilst still committing, in the long term, to my true love. It turned out that the Windies was not a good choice in crumpet. I am being punished by GOD for my treachery. Or, more likely, the ICC.

The ICC and me, on the other hand, have had a more straightforward relationship. I hate them, and they hate me. This, too, has been one-sided - they being a hugely powerful supra-national quango and me being a pathetic imp. Worse still, they are winning. They have successfully eroded my quality of life time and time again. Observe: I do not like 20twenty; the ICC forces everyone to play it all the time. I like watching high-class cricket, the ICC grinds the players into the ground to make loads of money, compelling teams to rotate their players and field muppets. I like watching videos on You Tube; the ICC takes them away from me. It is obvious, I think you will all agree, the ICC is out to get me.

Perhaps I should channel all my feelings of disillusionment and frustration with my chosen teams into a campaign of hatred against the ICC. Yes. That would be the healthy way of dealing with this.

Bloody ICC. I’ll have my revenge! Heed these words!

South Africa win! And nothing else happened.

*Mumbles something about the West Indies doing something unrelated to cricket.*

This was a decent win by South Africa, and despite some Malinga-inspired craziness towards the end, the Proteas won the game by winning. Well done.

Today, the Windies have an opportunity to recover my confidence in their abilities by beating New Zealand. I’m not too hopeful, especially since Brian Lara said “we're confident we can get our act together." This is not “we will crush them like the worms they are”, oh no, they’re “confident” that they won’t make complete tits of themselves. Fantastic. Not sure I'd put my mortage on that.

Fortunately, the Kiwis have lost some good players: Lou Vincent who, is a bloke I like, broke his wrist in the nets; Ross Taylor still has hamstring trouble; Mark Gillespie and Daryl Tuffey are still buggered; and Craig McMillan is struggling manfully on despite his manly toe-injury. Whereas the Windies are all fit.

The West Indies are always fit though. And they always lose. I am still blindly backing them, however. This day will be different. What do you say Predictoron?

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The New Zealand will lose to the West Indies by one wicket.

The New Zealand upper order will lose quick wickets, being reduced to 34-3. Scott Styris and Craig McMillan will put on 30 each and Jacob Oram will blast a quick 60, with strong support from Brendon McCullum. But would 213 be enough?

Shivnarine Chanderpaul will finally produce that hundred. With a nice half century from Dinesh Ramdin in the lower order to save the day in the nick of time. Thus winning.

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H’mmm… are these predictions are beginning to look quite similar? Perhaps my machine is broken? Maybe it’s working on the “law of averages” – if it says the same thing enough times it’ll eventually strike gold. There’s only one way to find out.

Predictoron, will Ireland win the Eurovision Song Contest?


********************************PROCESSING********************************
NO
**************************************END***********************************

Ah crap. I wonder if it’s still under warranty?


********************************PROCESSING********************************
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What?

The West Indies can still beat Australia

OK - they can’t. There is no way in God’s Earth that the Windies could possibly hope to chase down such a huge total. Which is a bugger.

But this is defeatist! And certainly not in keeping in my hopeful Windies to Win campaign. Remember: the Ozzy bowlers are useless. Trust in that. Chanders still owes me a century too, so he might cash that in today. Lara hasn’t really filled his boots yet. Nor has Gayle. So, something extraordinary could happen…

I don’t have much to add to this. I went for a meal with a friend last night. He thought that New Zealand would come second.

I thought he was mad. But I was too polite to say anything.

The Predictoron

OK - I admit it. My seeming prophetic forecasting skills are false. I have a machine I bought off a bloke in a pub. It’s called “The Predictoron”. It provided me with all my previous predictions, hence the computer-like accuracy. Today I asked The Predictoron the result for today’s game, Sri Lanka vs. Bangladesh.

Port of Spain: India lose to Sri Lanka by four wickets.

Both sides will field unchanged line-ups. Sri Lanka correctly calls “heads” and bowl.

The Indian innings will start brightly, with 70 on the board before the first wicket is lost. Then a bit of carnage from Malinga: India will lose four wickets for nine runs. However, Dravid will hold things together with a 72 that provides the backbone of the innings, whilst Yuvraj Singh, Dhoni, and Harbhajan will provide some fireworks in the late-order to see India recover to 272.

Sri Lanka won’t start too well: they’ll lose Tharanga and Jayasuriya cheaply. Nevertheless, those legends, Jayawardene and Sangakkara, will put 124 for the third wicket. The scene is set for Maharoof, who scores a quick-fire 73 to see the Lankans home, with vital some lower-order support. There will be five balls to spare.

The Sri Lankan fans will cheer; the Indians will not. Although, for some pessimist fans there’s hope:

The only way India can surmount their problems is by playing out their skins. We don't think they can do it for more than 2 or 3 matches. So, better to lose now, get knocked out of the tournament and start afresh for the busy cricket season ahead.

That’s the sort of negativity will like to hear here in Ayalac, and there should certainly be more of it about.

In Jamaica, the omnipotent West Indies will devour the Irish like the minnows they are. Hurrah!

In yesterday's play, Scotland did lose against the Netherlands. By eight wickets! Ha! That certainly made my day. The Scots completely capitulated. It was like taking one of my soufflés out of the oven: excitement at the prospect of my achievement, and then despair at watching it pathetically collapse inwards. Only, I wasn’t despairing; I was smirking. The Scotch were annihilated in every match of this tournament, it was a comprehensive disaster. Suddenly, the sun is shining again.

Hang on. Why on earth do the Dutch play cricket? How did that happen? Were some cricket-obsessive pirates blown of course in the 17th century and, instead of raping and pillaging the locals, they taught them how to ponce about in white flannels on a cryptic stretch of grass. They must have been the worst pirates ever. And, by the looks of things, not great at cricket, either.

Jayasuriya: old but good

Today’s update comes rather late. I just went to a gruelling job interview. They gruelled me just as much as they grilled me. I am feeling a bit too tired to blog.

Not that any of you care. You unfeeling bastards.

I was going to write a bit about Pakistan, seeing as there is so much going on there. But I think this issue has been examined more than enough elsewhere, and it is a bit sad, too.

So, let’s talk about Sanath Jayasuriya. What a guy. He’s old enough to be my ancestor, and yet he manages 109 off 87. OK – it was against Bangladesh and all the Sri Lankans were scoring freely, but this is still an impressive performance from the old war horse. Plus, at the time of writing, the supposedly “good” batsmen of Bangladesh are being torn apart (42-5). Anyway, here's the scorecard...I only hope the Tigers don't turn the game around by the time you read this. I wouldn't want to look silly now.

Sri Lanka are the dark horses of the tournament. They have quietly been getting on with low-key, yet impressive victories. Here’s a record its campaign so far:

• Beat Scotland by 159 runs, bowling the Scots out for 135.
• Only just lost to New Zealand.
• Tonked Bermuda by 243 runs.

Admittedly, they have only played minnows, and the one time they were genuinely tested they lost. But, in warm ups it’s not a question of who, but how. Their victories have been confident and unwavering, and their loss was fought tooth and nail. There don’t seem to be many question marks in the team, and all disciplines seem to be functioning effectively. Moreover, they finally have an influential all-rounder in the form of Farfeez Maharoof, making them into a very complete side.

Saying that, I still feel claims of their regaining the trophy are still fanciful, but I would back them to get into the semi-finals. Perhaps they will lose to South Africa, to meet the Windies in the final. I’m still backing the West Indies to win. They will do it. They will do it for me, because they read my blogs. Now that you have read the end of this entry, you too should do something constructive, like do some filing, or give to charity. Go on. Do it.

The Ayalac curse strikes

I’ll try not to smug in this post. I’ll probably fail, but at least I’m trying.

So! The first blood is drawn. As per my prediction, the West Indies dispatched Pakistan. I even got some things right: Pakistan won the toss (although, contrary to my advice, chose to field); Mohammad Yousuf and Inzamam-ul-Haq contributed with the second and third highest scores; and, erm, Chanderpaul scored a century.

I wouldn’t read too much into this match, however. As two teams will go through to the next round, and there’s two ‘good’ sides in each group, the first stage is rather like a glorified warm-up. Even if there is an upset, the same old pros are sure to get through.

Still, I pity the poor Pakistan fans. Unlike England, they are packed with talent and should win matches. Unlike England, you don’t expect them to lose. And yet somehow they do. Hence, I was also amused to read the desperation in Omar’s blog. It was a lot more sweary than usual. These made me laugh, so let me share:

“Imran Nazir's …. is a fucking idiot. …Someone needs to bumjack him in the dressing room”

One shudders to think what this entails.

“What in the world was [Younis Khan] doing? Did you see that shot? What the fuck?”

Eventually, the laws of physics are attacked:

“Inzi was unlucky with the decision. I think it was going over the wicket. Fuck what Hawkeye says!”

However, as we all know, it was not science that stopped Pakistan, but my predictions. I have back the Windies. Fear my wrath all those that defy my champions!

It is nearly upon us

OK – the hype for this World Cup has been near BBC Grandstand proportions. You know the feeling, you look in the paper to see when the match starts, you read “3:00pm”, giving you just enough time to make some tea. You sit down, with a biscuit in a comfortable “I’m ready to watch the match now” position. Then, they talk and talk, you see footage of past matches, interviews, statistics, pretty pictures and it seems to be tomorrow before the game has even started. By which time, you have imbibed your drink, leaving you tealess and distraught before it has even started.

This blog is rather like that.

So following on from soon-to-be-accurate predictions, I will give you a summary of today’s match straight to the point.

West Indies vs. Pakistan, Jamaica, 2:30pm GMT start.

Pakistan will win the toss and bat.

Pakistan will score 238. Inzamam-ul-Haq will score a useful 41, but Mohammad Yousuf and Mohammad Hafeez will top-score with 52 and 62 respectively.

The quicks will chip away, but Chris Gayle will do most of the damage taking 3-38 in his ten overs.

The Windies reply will start disastrously. Rapidly being reduced to 34-4, losing Brian Lara, Ramnaresh Sarwan, and Gayle for not much. However, Shivnarine Chanderpaul will hold the side together with a tremendous 109 not out. He will receive solid late-order support, with most players chipping in. Despite the efforts of Naved-ul-Hasan (2-34) and impressive spinning from Danish Kaneria (2-45) Chanderpaul will hit the winning runs on the third ball of the 48th over, with a nice flick through mid-wicket.

Winning the game by two wickets. Nice.

AYALAC Official Backing

I’m not sure I like the look of that acronym. It sounds a bit like a health-food shop for hippies. “This organic tofu contains essence of Ayalac, which decleanses your spiritual pores.” Ah well. It’s too late to change my name now. I’ll have to live with this humiliation for the rest of my blogging life – which, on average I understand, is about five minutes.

So anyway! On the World Cup’s eve, I have decided to champion the cause of one team, and one team alone. Normally, I would give my total support to the England team. Obviously, they are a bunch of useless losers, so there is no point in getting my hopes up. Besides, England teams are supposed to lose. I think our fans prefer it like that. It feels normal; losing make my insides warm and cosy. “It’s like I’m home in front of the fire” I think when we are whitewashed again.

Hence, the essence of Ayalac gives its backing to the WEST INDIES.

Sir Vivian Richards finally swung us when he said:

“Brian Lara is retiring from one-day cricket at the end of the World Cup and it would be fitting to see him smash the winning runs in the final.”

Now that, you must agree, would be a superb way to finish the tournament. To be honest, I think most of the world wants the Windies to win. A West Indies win would surely rejuvenate a sport that increasingly less popular in the region. There’s an adage in England: “When Yorkshire are strong, England are strong.” I have a feeling that when Caribbean cricket is strong, world cricket is strong. And, at the moment, I would rather fancy the Martians chances against us. Also, the hosts have to win at some point…

Go on Brian! Do it for your spiritual pores!

(I actually think that South Africa will win. Don’t tell. But I fear it is rather prosaic to pick a side that you think will actually succeed.)