England evade trouble

International cricket is cruel to England fans. We suffer muchly at the hands of our boys. They tease us, give us hope and then crush us.

Rarely, do we get an opportunity to cheer – except perhaps when a tail-ender biffs a six in a desperate rear-guard as we’re bowled out for 144 again.

The end of the first day of the second test match is an awkward situation for us. Do we celebrate Tim Ambrose nearing a century? Perhaps we should cheer Paul Collingwood’s typically grafting near fifty?

Ambrose – he may be Australian. But he’s our Australian. Come on Tim!

That England ended the first day on more or less the same score as New Zealand did on the first day of the first test match is a little disturbing. Or perhaps exciting?

Maybe we’ll go on to score 470! No… no. That’s not going to happen.

In all probability we’ll see a spineless slump. We’re used to it now. We England fans can read the omens of a test match like an old fraud can read tea. We can see it coming.

Just once, I’d like to see Vaughany et al. give the opposition a taste of British steel.

England? Saw it on the telly once; looked alright

Tim Ambrose, the latest hope for a reasonably competent keeper, has given away a startling revelation in his latest interview.

He was born in some good-forsaken nowhere place in Australia. From a young age he was good at golf, and what they call over there “football” – some barbarous game involving directionless running and hilarious umpiring gesticulation.

But, apparently, he was crap at those games, so he might as well try cricket. Being Australian, he became alright at it.

“The first time I kept wicket it was because nobody else wanted to, but within a few overs I knew it was for me. I was too small to bowl fast, and it kept me involved.”

What we gather from this is that Ambrose was the puny kid, bullied into doing stuff no one else wanted to do. This is not necessarily a bad thing – I imagine Matt Prior pushed his way into keeping when he realised he was rubbish at batting, just so he could continue pretending to be “the best”.

Anyway, the scrawny weakling continues:

“I kept wicket for New South Wales from under-13s to under-17s and did pretty well, but to be honest, I wouldn’t have made it into state cricket.”

It was at this point that he decided to move to England. You see, he’d been on holiday here a few years previously, and decided he liked it.

“I made the decision at 17 to go to England. It was not purely a cricketing decision, but a lifestyle one too.”

What? He didn’t move to England for the perfectly honourable reason that he decided he wasn’t good enough for Aussie first class cricket, but thought he could get into the England national side, oh no, he liked the life out here. He could have had daily sunburns, semi-naked women everywhere and hardly any rain at all, and he threw it all away to work in a pub in Ealing.

I wonder what it was about England that endeared it to him. Perhaps he enjoys being squashed into an over-crowed train at six in the morning? Maybe he doesn’t like talking to neighbours – or anyone else? He probably enjoys the cold, the dark and the rain.

So, what can we summarise from his personality? He is a pathetic push-over who chose, of his own free will, to live in the most depressing country outside Eastern Europe.

He may sound mentally deranged, but you know he’s better than Prior.

Come on, Tim!

In a rather surprising development, Matt Prior has been dropped. Generally, I don’t like Matt Prior; he’s a bit of a twat, really. But paradoxically, I’m not too keen on this decision.

I’m in agreement with Angus Fraser when he says:

“It is easy to call for Prior’s head and those who do would have little idea of how physically demanding it is to keep wicket in such heat in back-to-back tests… Prior is a very capable cricketer and he deserves one more opportunity to show that he can do it.”

Indeed, he certainly proved himself with the bat: scoring the fourth highest in the recent Sri Lanka tour. Overall he averages over 40 and scored a century in his debut.

OK – he dropped about a million catches in Sri Lanka, but he’s not exactly the only player to under-perform in difficult conditions.

Compare Prior’s treatment to Geraint Jones’. Jones scored a century early in his career, and that, despite uncertain keeping, got him about three years of ECB support. Prior, who looks dominant with the bat, gets the boot after about half a year after one dubious tour.

Harsh, unfair and, frankly, arbitrary. Choosing Ravi Bopara over Owais Shah was another mistake. But why, when with even my dodgy foresight, did they not see the overwhelming argument in favour of Shah’s inclusion. Why so? I wonder if these “brave decisions” might have anything to do with the Selectors having to apply for their own jobs again? Justifying your existence with feck-brained decisions may not be the best approach to secure your position.

Anyway, who’s this young Tim Ambrose fellow? He averages in the mid-thirties with the bat, and not as many drops as Prior with the gloves. He first rose to prominence with a double century against Cobden second XI last season. He seems competent enough but, to be honest, I don’t think he’s going to much different.

The England keeping debate will not find resolution for some years. There are a lot of “quite good” keepers at county-level, but all of whom are only “mediocre” at best when playing test matches. May as well stick with one and hope he improves, you would think. Oh no. Let’s drop the bugger and try another one for three months.