Wednesday, February 06, 2008

England? Saw it on the telly once; looked alright

Tim Ambrose, the latest hope for a reasonably competent keeper, has given away a startling revelation in his latest interview.

He was born in some good-forsaken nowhere place in Australia. From a young age he was good at golf, and what they call over there “football” – some barbarous game involving directionless running and hilarious umpiring gesticulation.

But, apparently, he was crap at those games, so he might as well try cricket. Being Australian, he became alright at it.
“The first time I kept wicket it was because nobody else wanted to, but within a few overs I knew it was for me. I was too small to bowl fast, and it kept me involved.”
What we gather from this is that Ambrose was the puny kid, bullied into doing stuff no one else wanted to do. This is not necessarily a bad thing – I imagine Matt Prior pushed his way into keeping when he realised he was rubbish at batting, just so he could continue pretending to be “the best”.

Anyway, the scrawny weakling continues:
“I kept wicket for New South Wales from under-13s to under-17s and did pretty well, but to be honest, I wouldn’t have made it into state cricket.”
It was at this point that he decided to move to England. You see, he’d been on holiday here a few years previously, and decided he liked it.
“I made the decision at 17 to go to England. It was not purely a cricketing decision, but a lifestyle one too.”
What? He didn’t move to England for the perfectly honourable reason that he decided he wasn’t good enough for Aussie first class cricket, but thought he could get into the England national side, oh no, he liked the life out here. He could have had daily sunburns, semi-naked women everywhere and hardly any rain at all, and he threw it all away to work in a pub in Ealing.

I wonder what it was about England that endeared it to him. Perhaps he enjoys being squashed into an over-crowed train at six in the morning? Maybe he doesn’t like talking to neighbours – or anyone else? He probably enjoys the cold, the dark and the rain.

So, what can we summarise from his personality? He is a pathetic push-over who chose, of his own free will, to live in the most depressing country outside Eastern Europe.

He may sound mentally deranged, but you know he’s better than Prior.


Uncle J rod said...

That sounds really bad for English cricket, perhaps it would have sounded better had he said, i knew i wouldn't make the NSw side and i hate adelaide, so i thought i'd move to England.

Miss Field said...

What an impressionable 17 year old he must have been.

Miss Field said...

Thanks for blogrolling me btw. Yours was one of the first blogs I came across a few months ago, and is my benchmark. I actually feel I've accomplished something now. Cheers.

Suave said...

Oh for the days, of eccentric, englishmen behind the stumps..

I long for the days of Knott, Russell et al...

Now we have these uncouth, foreign types, being all mouthy, instead of a little wonky in the head..

Tony said...

Is Mascarenhas an Aussie, too? I heard him interviewed and he sounded more Dubbo, than Durham or Derbyshire.

Miss Field said...

He was born in England but grew up in Perth.

Clearly he was never cut out for anything higher than club cricket in Australia = good enough to play for England.

The Atheist said...

Miss Field,'s nice to know that I have been a bench-mark for something. Now you have reached these lofty heights, you can surpass me and achieve blogging fame that only Uncle and a few others have realised.

Best of luck with you new blog.

On another note, are there any players, outside of village cricket, that are English? I suspect that they're all Aussies or Saffers putting on an act.

Miss Field said...


Yeah sort of like how the USA cricket team sound suspiciously West Indian.