Guest blogger: The Spanish perspective on the Ashes

I have discovered something new about the caracter of The Atheist(even when I supposed that could not happen)he has just been following the damm Ashes for the last days, while I have been going outside and enjoying the weather in the night in Madrid.

Well, I got up from siesta, well I noticed a soft sound by my side... I hardly opened my eyes and ... he was in there ... standing ... with his eyes open, staring at the computer...

"Oh...I dont knwo what to do....England have not lost...how is this posible?...what I can do now?...without the chance of complaining...what is cricket for?..."

Yes..he is like the Dilbert of the cricket.

Guest Blog: The “South African” Indian Premier League!

While you try to wrap your head around that - Lalit Modi is crouched over a table in a dark room, smoking his 2nd pack for the day, his top shirt button undone, tie loosened, punching his calculator trying to figure out how much money he will make, or loose, in IPL round 2.

Only the course of time will tell if the move will prove to be an in genius idea on the part of Lalit Modi or whether it was just another way to make a quick buck because he couldn't wait around for 2 more weeks till India’s general elections passed. It was perhaps in his haste that he scheduled matches at 12.30 and 4.30pm South Africa time. If the idea in bringing the IPL to SA was to generate some interest there then Modi doesn't seem to have followed through. In these times of economic strife, one wonders how many people can afford to take a day off work to make it to a match at either of these times.

Of course the Indian fans will be happy which might have been Modis ultimate goal in any case. Can South Africa’s meager numbers even compare to the billion eye ball worth market he can please. At prime time no less. This would no doubt mean the Indians will have plenty of time to hit the PCs and join in some Fantasy cricket fun. I mean with no matches to go to how else they are going to enjoy the full IPL experience.

Well enough about the politics of it. Let’s talk about the cricket. If you are thinking about engaging in some IPL Fantasy cricket, you might want to think carefully about the kind of players you are picking. If you are thinking about budgeting for the traditional power houses - Jayasuriya, Sehwag, Yuvraj and the like you might want to think again. While these players were massive hits in India in 2008, their records in SA are paltry when compared to their careers. Most sub continental batsmen struggle in SA so you will need to be wise in who you go for. This doesn’t mean there aren’t any good Asian players to pick from.

You can’t go wrong with Kumar Sangakkara, who thrives on all conditions or Sachin Tendulkar, who is looking sublime in NZ at the moment. But if you really want to hit the big times, invest in Southern Hemisphere teams. The Australians, South Africans and Kiwis will probably be stars at this year’s IPL because they are used to the conditions and play most of their cricket on similar wickets. All 3 teams are coming off good 2020 runs in the lead up as well.

My top 5 batting picks for IPL are -

5. Graeme Smith- You can count of Smith. He is a man so cool under pressure you feel at ease just by looking at him. He racked up the runs for Shane Warne when it mattered last year and playing at home in front of his home crowds will lift the big man.

4. Brendan Mcullum - Mcullum gave the IPL a start that even Lalit Modi couldn't have engineered. His big hitting is an art form. Brendan has learnt the virtue of consistency and from the looks of things in NZ over the summer is ready for another rumble in the jungle.

3. Adam Gilchrist- If you want clean hitting then look no further. Gilchrist still gives me nightmares after what he did to Sri Lanka in the world cup final. Has plenty of experience in SA and will want to prove to Australia and the world what they are missing out on. Plus he walks. What more can you ask for.

2. Kevin Peitersen - Big egos need to be watered all the time. The IPL gives KP the prime time opportunity to expand his self love and in doing so provide us with some switch hitting genius. The IPL was made for KP and KP for it. He will be keen to prove his 1mil+ worth. Probably at the expense of some hapless bowler. Good thing Mick Lewis ain't around.

1. Jesse Ryder - We have just witnessed the birth of a Giant. And that's no poke at Jesses' hefty size. Well it is but Ryder seems to have the natural gift of time and has ample of it when facing the ball and its perfection when hitting it. Its Ryder’s first time out in the IPL and if he can stay sober he might light the whole show on fire.

Well now that the chances to watching the matches live in India do not exist anymore, it seems more likely that cricket fans would have to do with Cricket News & updates online and get going with some good interactive cricket stuff over the internet!

Guest Blog: Baby-Faced Broad is the perfect role model

Stuart Broad, not content with sending mothers everywhere into raptures, is to turn his attention to their cricket-playing sons. This ‘nice-looking young man’, as my gooey-eyed mater insists on calling him, is the ECB’s top choice to front a campaign against abuse in recreational and youth cricket.

Broad is ‘just the sort of role model we need’, according to an ECB official, echoing my mother’s view that Broad is indeed ‘a man you’d be happy for your daughter to bring home’.

While Broad clearly holds some sort of hypnotic power over womankind, whether he can exert his influence over the present generation of unruly young cricketers remains to be seen. Abuse is now widespread in the modern game, both at professional, amateur and youth level. While instances of abuse or dissent amongst international cricketers are justifiably clamped down upon, in village or youth cricket umpires have little power to punish offenders.

For example, last season my local side was forced to lodge an official complaint against another village team, after the sledging in a rather high-spirited game began to feel more like racial abuse. After a lengthy, bureaucratic and time-consuming process the offenders were eventually punished, but during the game itself the umpires had been powerless to halt the abuse. Admittedly this is anecdotal evidence, but the word on the street is that this sort of thing, despite ‘not really being cricket’, is becoming increasingly common, particularly among younger teams. Clearly umpires need more power to stop such behaviour in its tracks.

The ECB’s solution, The Guardian reports, is that ‘this summer a system of yellow cards is being secretly trialled at three private schools’. (Quite how this trial can be said to be secret, now that its existence has been publicised in a national newspaper, is a question that the article does not get round to addressing.)

Personally, I find the whole yellow card idea quite ridiculous. Just imagine the scenes that could be taking place on a public school playing field near you this summer:

‘Oh I say, how’s that, umpire?’
‘Not out.’
‘But I jolly well heard a nick.’
‘You may well have done, young Faux-Bowyer. But what matters in this case is that I did not. The decision remains not out, and nothing you can do or say shall induce me to raise my finger.’
‘You absolute rotter!’
‘That, young man, is dissent. You have just earned yourself a yellow card, not to mention a week of detentions.’

All this seems a far cry from the cosy fictional world of everyone’s favourite public schoolboy cricketer, J C T Jennings. (If you’ve never heard of him, then I apologise. You must have suffered a terribly deprived childhood.) I seem to recall Jennings and Darbishire receiving nothing more than a mild ticking off after cutting Latin in order to watch a local game. These days their actions would no doubt earn them both a red card and a three-match suspension.

Now, I know the Jennings stories weren’t actually real, but nevertheless I still believe that there was indeed a time, probably nestled somewhere between the two world wars, when boys knew how to behave, and such things as yellow cards were considered unseemly. Whatever happened to The Spirit of Cricket? I just pray that Stuart Broad can resuscitate it before it is too late.

If standards of behaviour have indeed so degenerated that a system of yellow cards is deemed necessary, then cricket will truly have sunk to a new low. Why, we’ll be little better than footballers! I’m pinning my hopes on baby-faced Broad. That nice young man may well turn out to be a Jennings for our time.

Guest Blog: Defending the Indefensible

Another word from my Northern correspondent:

As the Beatles should have more accurately sung “All you need is hate”. As an avid reader and occasional lame arse contributor to the might AYALAC I will have not been the only one to notice that recently there has been a lot of negative feelings directed at a desolate insignificant country that lies at the bottom of the Indian or should that be Pacific Ocean.

Admittedly these blogs are avidly enjoyed, especially by those they are directed at (it’s as if they love to be hated), however, the latest comparison with Nazis, animal abusers, paedophiles and promotion of terrorism as a solution has lead me to do what I thought was never possible; defend Australian cricket.

I must declare I am not Australian and believe that I have a healthy distain for the country which may derive from the only close experience that I have had with one of their kind who was called Lettuce (what kind of a name is that?) and who broke my toilet.

Yes the Australian XI have bad hair, are bastards and cheat but at least they do all those things with great success. What does the English XI excel at? We used to have snapping defeat from the jaws of victory but even the Kiwis have surpassed us as that. No, I’m afraid England is and will forever be mediocre.

But that is not really the problem. Perpetually being average is drilled into the psyche of every Englishman from a young age. What comforts us in the dark of night is the knowledge that we underachieve with dignity, modesty and style.

Which leads me to identify the real enemy; South Africa. The same as the Australian XI but not actually that good at cricket. In addition to racism, support for Robert ‘look at me I’m mental’ Mugabe and even more annoying barman, their real crime however is bringing KP to the world.

Yes a man who is so unspeakably bad his name is thankfully abbreviated to two letters. Whining that makes Steve ‘I’m better than all you lot’ Harmison look modest, this man has disappeared so far up his own arse that those diamond earrings should have at least caused some serious internal bleeding by now.

His record is patchy to say the least, he is one of the main instigators in this IPL bollocks and is a twat. His presence within the team makes me feel dirty.

We should either be totally basted/Australian/good or at least stand for proper English values. Surely we have enough subperforming cricketers in this country to pick from. Why import hate when there is KP?

Guest blog: Virgin Salvation

“The right move at the right time for the right reasons”

This morning the Prime Minister called the nation's media to his monthly press conference at 10 Downing Street to proudly introduce the new sponsor of Durham County Cricket Club…HM Treasury.

Having already completed a successfully season with my local team being sponsored by the Treasury I can confirm that Durham is in safe hands. More importantly my adopted team have been saved from the egotistic manic that is Richard Branson.

Having altered the world to dangers of the bearded gnome way back in October my lobbying thankfully paid of with the one any only Vince “mover on the dance floor” Cable MP introducing in the house the test of suitability to run a cricket club – “he is a convicted criminal for tax evasion and is not a fit and proper person to run a cricket club let alone to be responsible for £30bn of taxpayers’ money.”

Well done Gordon with Durham on board the next election will be a breeze.

TV update.

Guest blog: Clinical Addiction

Another from my guest columnist. Remember, lawyers, I didn't write this:

It’s a funny thing although the general consensus is that’s its not good. Many careers have been ruined as a result: George Best, Keith Moon and dictators who general got too big for their boots and were taught a good lesson. Then there are those who seemed to have been made by their addition: Crack Doherty, Charlie Kennedy and Bill Clinton. So where does Freddie “I’m named after a Flintstone” fit into this?

Well ignoring turn up to training pissed off your head in the middle of an Ashes tour the first point of contact in answering this question is our beloved NHS. If you see a doctor, maybe you have fallen off a pedalo in the middle of a world cup, then the first thing they will do is run two tests two to assess you. The first is CAGE:

Alcohol dependence is likely if the patient gives 2 or more positive answers:

- Have you ever felt you should CUT down your drinking?
- Have people ANNOYED you by criticising your drinking?
- Have you ever felt bad or GUILTY about your drinking?
- Have you ever had a drink first think in the morning to steady your nerves or get rid of a hangover (EYE- opener)?

Taking into account I scored three and I also have the additional affliction of starting to sing Duran Duran songs when drunk, lets move on the more comprehensive assessment, MAST.

Alcohol dependence is likely if the patient has a total score of 6 or more:

- Do you feel you are a normal drinker? Yes No(2pts)
- Do relatives or friends think you are a normal drinker? Yes No(2pts)
- Have you ever attended a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous? Yes(5pts) No
- Have you ever lost friends because of drinking? Yes(2pts) No
- Have you ever got into trouble at work because of drink? Yes(2pts) No
- Have you ever neglected obligations, your family, or your work for 2 or more days in a row through drink? Yes(2pts) No
- Have you ever had delirium tremens (DTs), severe shaking, heard voices, or seen things that were not there after heavy drinking? Yes (5pts) No
- Have you ever gone to anyone for help about your drinking? Yes(5pts) No
- Have you ever been in hospital because of your drinking? Yes(5pts) No
- Have you ever been arrested for drunken driving? Yes(2pts) No

Now thankfully I only score 7 on this scale and that’s because I got a whopping 5 pointer which is defiantly in the past. So where does Fred stand….

- Do you feel you are a normal drinker? Yes
- Do relatives or friends think you are a normal drinker? Yes (he is northern)
- Have you ever attended a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous? No comment for legal reasons
- Have you ever lost friends because of drinking? Yes (Duncan)
- Have you ever got into trouble at work because of drink? Yes
- Have you ever neglected obligations, your family, or your work for 2 or more days in a row through drink? Yes
- Have you ever had delirium tremens (DTs), severe shaking, heard voices, or seen things that were not there after heavy drinking? No
- Have you ever gone to anyone for help about your drinking? No
- Have you ever been in hospital because of your drinking? No
- Have you ever been arrested for drunken driving? No

So it can be pretty well assumed that Fred scores at least 6 which makes him an alcoholic although less than me; lightweight. Obviously this test is a load of bollacks and Andrew does have a serious problem. Personally the fact that this is news is like saying that it has recently been discovered that David Cameron is in fact a man of principle. For goodness sacks his nick name is Fred Flintstone.

So where does this leave Andrew? Obviously in need for some personal reflection and help. Have ever much the nation hates Duncan he does have a point that turning up to practice pissed off your head is not on. By writing what he did was best for him (money money money) but also best for English cricket and Andrew. Alcoholism is a terrible disease and hopefully Andrew can get back to what he does best, being happy and playing fantastic cricket.

Guest blog: Beware of Virgins

Another special from my intrepid guest columnist:

So it looks like the bearded gnome is going to buy the (Northern) Rock. This troubles me, as it should every cricket lover. For those of you including the Bank of England and the Financial Service Authority who are unaware of the workings of the Rock, they sponsor my adapted team of Durham. A team that has managed to compete at the echelons of English cricket this season without relying on a bunch of washed up annoying English and Australian bastards.

According to a man I was talking to who specialises in investment analysis and happens to be on the board of the Club, there is major concern that any takeover will put in jeopardy the sponsorship agreement and finances that the club relies on to survive.

The Rock may be run with undue care for investor’s money, but they are very generous with it to Geordie sport teams. A situation that is unlikely to continue if the rebrand to Virgin Money takes place. Does a man on a never ending ego trip that makes Mohamed Fayed look media shy really care about being a Geordie bailiff or the institutions that hold this desert like land together? I doubt it.

Guest blog: This article contains disturbing imagery.

Here's a special blog, from Our Man in Durham:

Being an arm chair cricket fan, having an appreciation for wit and awful at making puns, I have long intended to write a comment on this illustrious website. However, a lack of confidence in my intellectual cricket brain, passing out after consumption of too much cider and working long hours for a high street bank that will remain nameless, have contrived to delay my debut. Not any more. The focusing that being alone in a flat in the north east for two days can only achieve, I present my thoughts on the current state of cricket.

twenty20. I must admit I only realised that we were near the end of the twenty20 world cup when I returned from a week in Spain on Tuesday. You see cricket especially twenty20 doesn’t get much or no coverage on CNN. The one time I remember it being mentioned in a week of watching this godforsaken channel was in the context of England losing. No surprise there and I suppose the mentioning of England losing at cricket is so unsurprising it just gets lost in the background.

My fondest memory of the twenty20 world cup will be the old ginger one’s antics. He will be pleased to know that Durham’s first ever strip club is opening next week. It begs the question that irrespective of playing cricket, is everyone who plays for England, barring Michael Vaughan who I am sure is a true gentleman, a complete Muppet? No wonder Marcus Trescothick is depressed, the thought of spending a week let alone the majority of the year with these people is enough to make anyone ring the Samaritans.

You’re probably thinking what a prude; it was only a strip club? But my argument is that if that had been the England football or rugby captain it would have been front page news for a week. No because it is cricket and everyone knows we are crap and with the fredalo incident cricket has become a bit of a laughing stock. It’s so bad it would even make front page of the News of the World.

So what do we want our crickets to be? There has been much comment, including on this illustrious site that we need to be more tough/Australian/bastard. I think that this new found strategy illustrated by our disgraceful behaviour when playing India is shocking. We just look like a nation of cheap chavs, which I suppose we are. Australia can get away with it. They win. No one minds who warnie is texting. If we started to get the results on the pitch I would fully support ginger getting down and dirty with those strippers in a pedlo and half a bag of coke. A small price to pay.