Thursday, May 29, 2008

Guest Blog: Defending the Indefensible

Another word from my Northern correspondent:

As the Beatles should have more accurately sung “All you need is hate”. As an avid reader and occasional lame arse contributor to the might AYALAC I will have not been the only one to notice that recently there has been a lot of negative feelings directed at a desolate insignificant country that lies at the bottom of the Indian or should that be Pacific Ocean.

Admittedly these blogs are avidly enjoyed, especially by those they are directed at (it’s as if they love to be hated), however, the latest comparison with Nazis, animal abusers, paedophiles and promotion of terrorism as a solution has lead me to do what I thought was never possible; defend Australian cricket.

I must declare I am not Australian and believe that I have a healthy distain for the country which may derive from the only close experience that I have had with one of their kind who was called Lettuce (what kind of a name is that?) and who broke my toilet.

Yes the Australian XI have bad hair, are bastards and cheat but at least they do all those things with great success. What does the English XI excel at? We used to have snapping defeat from the jaws of victory but even the Kiwis have surpassed us as that. No, I’m afraid England is and will forever be mediocre.

But that is not really the problem. Perpetually being average is drilled into the psyche of every Englishman from a young age. What comforts us in the dark of night is the knowledge that we underachieve with dignity, modesty and style.

Which leads me to identify the real enemy; South Africa. The same as the Australian XI but not actually that good at cricket. In addition to racism, support for Robert ‘look at me I’m mental’ Mugabe and even more annoying barman, their real crime however is bringing KP to the world.

Yes a man who is so unspeakably bad his name is thankfully abbreviated to two letters. Whining that makes Steve ‘I’m better than all you lot’ Harmison look modest, this man has disappeared so far up his own arse that those diamond earrings should have at least caused some serious internal bleeding by now.

His record is patchy to say the least, he is one of the main instigators in this IPL bollocks and is a twat. His presence within the team makes me feel dirty.

We should either be totally basted/Australian/good or at least stand for proper English values. Surely we have enough subperforming cricketers in this country to pick from. Why import hate when there is KP?

9 comments:

Roswell Ceci said...

Hurrah - thought it was just me who thinks KP is an alien

David Barry said...

KP is a legend.

Jrod said...

I like the cut of this guest bloggers job, not usually enough blatant anti South African posts on ayalac.

Jrod said...

Or his jib.

Suave said...

I played against two Saffers recently, caught one, stumped the other. That hopefully made up for the 21byes.

They were, however, bastards. I say that because they were bloody lovely fellas. We had a good laugh with them after the game, and it left me all confused.

Nice South Africans, whatever next.
un-arrogant aussies, The English with a killer instinct?

How queer.

Spigot said...

Not the beatles but still hate... http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=NSMLx44DqFc

I have this increasing bee in my bonnet amount averages. they annoy me, not becuase it's too much info, but not enough. KP has a great average, but can be so inconsistent with it. i'd rather he got 4 50's that 1 200 and 4 ducks, yet they'd be the same average. i want a statistical variance quoted on screen every time. and a last 10 innings average (where's england's 40'ers then??). I think that one was even too anal / boring for bearders adn TMS...

David Barry said...

Spigot, you're complaint about lack of consistency amuses me. For the last year or so, about all I've heard on the subject from England fans are complaints that their batsmen are maintaining their averages by being too consistent. Obviously they don't word it like that - they say that they're making all these 50's and 60's but never any hundreds.

I don't see any difference between the 200 every fourth innings and the four consecutive 50's. Looking at consistency is interesting, but doesn't affect how I evaluate a batsman.

Spigot said...

well this is me on a learning curve. I do understand the logic of the guy out on 30 being worse than the duck as he got "in" and had the role to play, but it's the frustration of bell, kp, freddie regularly getting squit that annoys me most.

The Atheist said...

Averages are wrong.

Come and ask me about a batsman. I'd give you a much more accurate figure.