Blackwell comes from no-where to skittle Somerset

Durham’s hitherto unheard of mystery spinner, Ian “Dark Horse” Blackwell has rolled over Somerset at Chester-lee-Street.

Blackwell span, bounced and doosra-ed his was to 5 for 7 in 8.1 overs, leaving the mighty men of the West in tatters at 174 all out.

A spokesman for Somerset stated:

“Who the hell is this guy? He looks a bit foreign to me, and I’m sure that Durham aren’t playing by rules by playing him. Surely it’s only fair that we get to have a look at him?”

It is fortunate for Durham that there mystifying tweaker came to their aid, as their pace attack has been significantly weakened now that Steve Harmison is no longer on England duty.

They'll probably go on to win the UEFA Cup now. Bloody brilliant, in the words of Ron.

Northern Monkies steal Championship

No one saw it coming. Not even God.

Especially not God.

But Durham pipped Nottinghamshire at the post yesterday, beating them, and Somerset, to be crowned First Ever Pikies To Win Anything.

So congratulations are in order to the Peoples of the North. There are some redeemable features there.

In more interesting news. I am sitting in a minimalist apartment in Berlin. It’s a bit rubbish, but I’m moving in with an Australian tomorrow. God alone knows what will happen. And, as we’ve already established, He’s rarely a reliable guide.

I ordered my first ever meal in German today. Felt very proud. Only, I didn’t feel so clever when I could specify how cooked I’d like my steak, so they provided it traditional German tough as old boots style.

“Das war gut” lied I.

Rubbishness is the theme of my move it seems.

So far, little sign of cricket in Germany. Rest assured however, when I find it, and I will find it, you will hear of its existence first.

[In other mad news, blogger’s gone all German on me. Ooh eer missus.]

Guest blog: Virgin Salvation

“The right move at the right time for the right reasons”

This morning the Prime Minister called the nation's media to his monthly press conference at 10 Downing Street to proudly introduce the new sponsor of Durham County Cricket Club…HM Treasury.

Having already completed a successfully season with my local team being sponsored by the Treasury I can confirm that Durham is in safe hands. More importantly my adopted team have been saved from the egotistic manic that is Richard Branson.

Having altered the world to dangers of the bearded gnome way back in October my lobbying thankfully paid of with the one any only Vince “mover on the dance floor” Cable MP introducing in the house the test of suitability to run a cricket club – “he is a convicted criminal for tax evasion and is not a fit and proper person to run a cricket club let alone to be responsible for £30bn of taxpayers’ money.”

Well done Gordon with Durham on board the next election will be a breeze.

TV update.

Guest blog: Beware of Virgins

Another special from my intrepid guest columnist:

So it looks like the bearded gnome is going to buy the (Northern) Rock. This troubles me, as it should every cricket lover. For those of you including the Bank of England and the Financial Service Authority who are unaware of the workings of the Rock, they sponsor my adapted team of Durham. A team that has managed to compete at the echelons of English cricket this season without relying on a bunch of washed up annoying English and Australian bastards.

According to a man I was talking to who specialises in investment analysis and happens to be on the board of the Club, there is major concern that any takeover will put in jeopardy the sponsorship agreement and finances that the club relies on to survive.

The Rock may be run with undue care for investor’s money, but they are very generous with it to Geordie sport teams. A situation that is unlikely to continue if the rebrand to Virgin Money takes place. Does a man on a never ending ego trip that makes Mohamed Fayed look media shy really care about being a Geordie bailiff or the institutions that hold this desert like land together? I doubt it.

League of Nations win Friends Provident Trophy

After a collapse brought about by fascist military action, the League of Nations withdrew from world politics in 1939 and started playing cricket in the North East of England.

Eventually, they gained promotion into the first class leagues in 1992. Although they struggled at first, they have confirmed their fruition into a high-quality team by winning their first major trophy.

Their victory was notable for the performances of the delegate from the Bahamas, who won the man of the match award after taking two wickets in his first two balls. The batting attack was lead by the representative from Guyana, pictured playing a classically weird shot, who scored 78.

The South African delegation, and club captain, said:

"The club has put in a lot of hard work and we've a perfect blend of youngsters
and good experienced players. It depicted the way we have played all season,
everyone contributed and that's why we have won the trophy."

This marks a triumph for the League of Nations, as well as a coup for
internationalism over petty, jingoistic concerns that often dominant the
domestic cricket scene.