Michael Vaughan and the booze go boozing with teen-agers

In his recent autobiography, Michael Vaughan has admitted that, during the 2005 Ashes celebrations, the entire England team rocked up to 10 Downing Street and were disappointed by what they saw.

They immediately identified the key problem: no booze.

The infamous all-night bender, followed by tipsy open-topped bus fiesta had rather given the impression that drink was not wanting. But, after stumbling up the red carpet and relieving themselves in the Prime Minister’s garden, the team was unimpressed by the offerings.

In fact, there was nothing. Vaughan stated,

“I demand to have some booze!”

The nectar of the gods was duly provided. The captain of England and, supposed Yorkshire lad, after tasting a sample politely pointed out that it was “lukewarm” and “undrinkable”.

At this point, an unexpected alliance was forged between the pissed England cricket team, and the most notorious political pisshead: Tony Blair’s son Euan.

Don’t worry if you don’t know who is, most of his friends forgot him too. At the age of 16, he was found abandoned in Leicester Square plastered out of his little pasty head on alco-tiddlers.

But now, in lukewarm Downing Steet, it was at this moment of crisis that Euan’s lifetime of self-indulgence and waste came to the fore. He knew what to do. He immediately raided his dad’s “private” collection of wines and beers and gave it to a load of older boys taht he barely knew. The cricketers, being decent, honest men, accepted the boys's illicit booze.

To be honest, it’s a teenagers dream: getting pissed with the England cricket team, whilst your dad is out. I’m sure most of us would plump for that over being Ian Bell.

Pointing kissed by drunk geezer

This is fairly old, but I’d thought I’d let the whole world see it.

This, apparently “drunk” individual, successfully landed a wet one on the Great Leader’s cheek. Listen out for Ricky Ponting’s “AAAH!” of terror, shortly followed by the compere’s “WOOO”. That’s what we’re all thinking: WOO!

There is a lot of evil pleasure to be extracted from Ponting’s awkward fumbling after. “Should I carry on, should I slither away, should I hit him? Help me please.”

After the “incident”, the geezer in question was interviewed, and asked why he tried to kiss the Australian captain, blokie replied:

“He’s a great captain. OK?!”

Which, I suppose, is an understanable answer.

Anyway, if you, like me, think that rice pudding is the best thing since Dwayne Leverock, then check out this recipe. It’s great.

Although, its still not as good as mum’s own, but still, we can dream.

Crowd chants

Does anyone know any good crowd chants?

I was talking to a friend who recently went to a Warwickshire match and they had a good one:

Who’s the Daddy?
Darren Maddy!
(Repeat)

Of course, the nineties will remember the following haunting battle cry:

Glouc-ester-shire nah nah naaa
Glouc-ester-shire nah nah-nah naaa

Perhaps the most feared is the Northern rallying call:

YORKSHIRE!
YORKSHIRE!
YORKSHIRE!

Accompanied by first punching and beer swilling.

Of course, the champions of keeping the crowd amused (annoyed?) is the Barmy Army. Weirdly loyal to the most useless touring team, they have kept up the spirits of many flagging fans. I will sign off with my favourite Barmy Army song, to be song at the Ozzlers:

In the town where I was born, there lived a man who was a thief

And he told me of his life, stealing bread and shagging sheep.

So they put him in the nick, and then a magistrate he went to see.

He said "put him on a ship, to the convict colony"

You all live in a convict colony, a convict colony, a convict colony

You all live in a convict colony, a convict colony, a convict colony

Windies, and crowd, battered

The biggest defeat in West Indies’ fine history. England win by an innings and 283 runs. The Windies played some appalling cricket. The bowling was Harminson-like, and the batting lacked purpose, common sense and method of combating a swinging ball.

I first thought the Windies were doing a New Zealand, but their slide is reaching Zimbabwe proportions... or gradients. That's how you measure slopes, right?

Admittedly, a lot of the loss is due to losing key players: Shiv Chanderpaul and Ramnaresh Sarwan. Yet, it would have taken substantial contributions by both these men to have stemmed the tide. This is distressing for people who like cricket and like the Windies especially. I really hope they work out how to play again.

Noticing my lack of posts recently, I sent a reporter to Headingley to provide in depth analysis from the boundary. Here are some of his wires. (I warn you, they are in “text message” so half of it is unintelligible, the other half seems to be garbled by drink, so try and make the most of it).

Report one: 1:41pm
We are holding out hope… Missed the morning session, but was only a few overs. Moisture in the air, men in nuns outfits, it’s Headingley for sure!

Evidentially, a sufficient quantity of Tetley’s affects your orienteering skills. Seems like it took him a while to work out where exactly he was. Not a promising start.

Report two: 2:24pm
And another. And it’s raining. No, hailing.

I assume he’s still in Headingley. I wasn't convinced of his initial claims. We’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Not much in-depth analysis yet. Maybe he's saving it up for later?

Report three: 2:41pm
I think the lack of play means the crowd are even more drunk than usual! Mexican wave was actually successful. Hoping for more play and for west indies to put up a bit of a fight!

Sub-editors are supposed to remove the mistake, or stick a sarcy (sic) after everything. I however prefer to give the truth to the people as is. This is more "colourful descriptions of the ground in order to build a sense of atmosphere” as opposed to a technical study of Dwayne Bravo’s leg glance. But I’m sure that’ll come later.

Report four: 3:06pm
Well, the western terrace is nearly full but everywhere else is empty. I guess only the drunkards have braved the rain. And they really are drunk…

When was the last time someone used the phrase “drunkard”? Lord Denning in Court 4, crica 1952? And, most surprisingly, they actually are drunk! And the agency said he was alright…

Report five: 4:53pm
We only had time for 3 pints! A short and sweet day of cricket, good fun would have liked to see more action.

There are some other items filed, but the drink seems to have taken hold. They also become quite misogynistic , so I can't share them with you. I’ll have to strike that journo off the list. He wasn't cheap, either. Bloody agency.

Anyway, that's it for today. I’ll be quiet over the next few days. Please don’t get angry.