England win a world cup

Not just any world cup, but the most important one: the Ice World Cup. The above picture is not a summer scene in Chester-le-Street, but Riga, Latvia.

The final of this illustrious tournament was competed between two English sides: Drovers of London and the eventual winners, Brighton and Hove.

It is thought that the Englanders’ natural iciness and familiarity with truly terrible weather equipped them for success in this noble trophy.

Brighton’s captain, Joe Nichols, said in a post-match interview:

“Thanks Christ that’s over with. Hell’s Bells, I’m freezing my elbows off here. Where’s the bar? Dammit man! Get out of my way!”

The Drovers' captain Craig Short said,

"If this is how I feel now after losing that game I can only imagine how the England rugby team felt in Paris after losing a real World Cup Final!"

I’m sure we can all understand his pain. Except for his developing frost-bite. No one can understand that.

The organiser of the tour, Julian Tall insists that the players take no risks,

"We do have to keep it safe, so everybody wears one pad and we play with an indoor ball as a leather one would freeze and become too dangerous."

The competition hasn't been around long, but it has grown rapidly. Nearly every cricket-playing nation have sent a representative. Except for the West Indians, who know better.

“Extreme-cricket” appears to be in this year, after a group of lunatics climbed Everest to play a match last November. A match between the Professional Cricketers Association and their Sherpas was played at over 4000 metres.
Although, according to tour organiser, Nick Compton, the Sherpas “ran an impressive number of quick singles”, the PCA eventually won through superior boundary-finding techniques. Also, knowing the rules helped out too.

Although, it was only a little twenty20 affair, and they played a test match, the Sherpas would win every time.

Inzy cocks up

WOW! I can do videos! OK. Lets do another!

Here is poor Inzy losing his wicket. I thought this was hilarious when I first saw it.




But now I see it again. It is strangely sad. It’s like the loss of your favourite teddy bear’s dignity. I want to cuddle him when I see him rub his tummy. Oh Inzy. Let me protect you from the cruel world! Come and live on my window sill

Misbah cocks up

Spectacularly, I first heard of this hilarious incident from the kindly commenters from the previous post. So cheers you lot. You get a Special Ayalac nob, I mean nod. I mean thumbs up.

We’re trying an experiment today. POSTING A VIDEO. I’m not really sure how to do it. So it might take me all evening, but, damnit, I don’t have work tomorrow or a girlfriend, so I can fiddle with implements as much as I want – all night long if necessary.

HERE. WE. GO!



Wow. Wasn’t that amazing. It was definitely worth the five hours of fiddling. Especially for the “India must be jumping for joy pun”. Pure Gold.

Cricketers: hard as frostbite

In an article I’m gratefully stealing from the BBC, I note that a group of cricketers are planning to play cricket on Mount Everest. For those of you who don’t know, cricket is a game played with a bat and ball which takes forever.

This is a standard textbook definition of the game. However, every single cricketing guide neglects to point out one key feature: the presence of oxygen.

Kids, try this at home: attempt to play cricket in a low oxygen atmosphere. You’ll find that your lead bowler swiftly collapses to plead for a quick mercy. It’s next to impossible score many runs – even when you force your disabled aunty to act as a runner. It’s funny how the MCC missed something so rudimentary from their supposedly authoritative literature.

Anyway, three teams from the Professional Cricketers' Association will play six-a-side matches of five overs each. When you look at the picture of the flat terrain and the predictable weather conditions you wonder why no one thought of this before.

Andrew Baud, spokesman for the Professional Cricketers' Association said,

"They are taking 40 spare balls up there - I can imagine they will need them."

I doubt it. Your seam bowlers will expire in the first three strides. Your leggie’s fingers will snap in the cold. Forget slog-sweeps into cow’s crevice; imagine the effect on the digits when a ball rears off a length. Appendages will fall to the ground like dollies in the Indian field.

It is for this reason that I am praying to my absent god for video footage from the surviving stragglers. It’s always the fat blokes that last. Here’s hoping that Darren Lehman will do his bit for his country and malicious sadists everywhere.

The climb starts Monday.