How can it be wrong to hate Ricky Ponting?

The whinge offensive

Ricky Ponting has proven himself to be an innovative and resourceful captain when the chips are down. When your opponents are resisting you or impudently winning even, then there are a number of strategies that you can deploy. Ponting likes to whine like a girl when the going gets tough. In moments of stress, the Australian captain uncorks his trusty spirit of the game, and force feeds it to his gagging opponents.

Most observers of the game are surprised at Ricky “Munter” Ponting’s sudden attachment to the “spirit”. But it’s a little known fact that he keeps his spirit in his little rodent familiar: Spunky the magic squirrel that lives in his jock-strap.

When Ponting as busy abusive opponents and mouthing them off through the media, he was soothing and stroking his little chap with kind words for his friends in the other team.

All was revealed in the recent test match.

The most wonderful aspect of this game, forget your confident Australian centuries, played to test match perfection, forget your Kevin Pietersen shit mong strokes, forget the epic bravery of the last wicket stand, in fact, forget the cricket. For true glory, I refer you to Munting’s post-match whinge offensive:

“I don't think that was required. I am not sure what the physio was doing out there - I didn't see him call for any physio. I'm sure others will take it up with the England hierarchy as they should.

But they can play whatever way they want to play. We came to play by the rules and the spirit of the game, it’s up to them to do what they want to do.

I won’t be saying anything about it.”

Of course he won’t. He’s not for throwing his toys out of the pram.

Ponting planted his feet in the middle of the pitch, faced the Englanders, unzipped his trousers, released his little friend and let Spunky run wild all over the opposition.

He’s not alone. Michael Hussey has proved his worth on the tour, by brown nosing his captain,

“England’s antics in sending out the physio and 12th man got up our noses a bit and Ricky Ponting certainly let them know it. It’s a shame they had to resort to that.”

The Australians have a plan.

Australia: the new England

Australia have lost. Rejoice! Rejoice!

Once again, they were dispatched with ease in another final. A sensibly numbered three-match final failed to reach the final game, such was Australia’s incompetence.

Leading commentator Barrie Fnugg (affectionately known to millions as “Fnuggy”) summed up the Ausslers performance:

“Bugger m’dingos! That was appalling. I’m so angry! It makes me forget my bewildering territorial rivalries and strange fascination for watered down beer. That was….that was like watching England.”

Although this parallel was noted by many spectators, most observed that England rarely reach the finals of any non-pub-related sport, and don’t have any players that are considered good.

The chief actor (or, as some would say, “architect”) of India’s victory over Australian was young Sachin Tendulkar. He thwonked his way to 117 to see India home in the first final (oxymoron? Or just moronic?) and bladdered 91 further runs in the final final.

If I was Indian, I would hunt him down and worship his toes, kidneys and knees. Although if he fails, I’ll be out with the effigies like a shot.

The Indians bowled well as a unit throughout the tournament, with four bowlers taking more than nine wickets each. In this match, another architect of India’s victory (perhaps “sub-contractor”?) was Praveen Kumar who took 4 wickets and bowled well at the nervy death.

The most gratifying fact is Ricky Ponting’s inability to play any form of cricket. In the ten ODIs he has played in 2008, he has averaged under 20. Leading analysts have categorised this development as “hilarious”.

So, there’s more pictures of Indians with trophies. If they continue at this rate, they might topple the Australians as “Number One Target For Jealousy and Unreasonable Abuse.”

That’s enough of words in parenthesis for one day, I think. Well done Sachin, the principal design engineer of modern Indian success. And the rest of your hangers-on.

Pointing kissed by drunk geezer

This is fairly old, but I’d thought I’d let the whole world see it.

This, apparently “drunk” individual, successfully landed a wet one on the Great Leader’s cheek. Listen out for Ricky Ponting’s “AAAH!” of terror, shortly followed by the compere’s “WOOO”. That’s what we’re all thinking: WOO!

There is a lot of evil pleasure to be extracted from Ponting’s awkward fumbling after. “Should I carry on, should I slither away, should I hit him? Help me please.”

After the “incident”, the geezer in question was interviewed, and asked why he tried to kiss the Australian captain, blokie replied:

“He’s a great captain. OK?!”

Which, I suppose, is an understanable answer.

Anyway, if you, like me, think that rice pudding is the best thing since Dwayne Leverock, then check out this recipe. It’s great.

Although, its still not as good as mum’s own, but still, we can dream.