Hair regrows

Darrell Hair, the man that we all thought was dead, but wasn’t really, is back. He’s going to stand in a test. You’ll notice this because the bottom of your telly will be obscured for half the match,

In his absence, the cricket pavilions have experienced an unexpected over-supply of cream cakes and Chelsea buns. It is hoped that the Australian adjudicator will restore the natural equilibrium of the world’s confectionary market.

Hair’s main problem, in the up-and-coming test, is how to be racist. Applying racism towards the English is difficult. Observe:

Racist: “Oi! Pommy bloke. You and your whole race are rubbish.”
Englander: “Yeah. I suppose we are.”
Racist: “Yeah. Well. You’re Queen is fat.”
Englander: “Spot on, old boy. Good Queen Porker, we call her.”

Similarly, being racist towards the New Zealanders is troublesome. It’s hard to draw the line between racism and stating the obvious.

I’m looking forward to some interesting decisions. Maybe he’ll demand that the entire side should run to tea early if one of the Kiwis asks to take guard. Or, more likely, his confidence has been punctured to the point that he lacks the courage to make those difficult decisions.

This is a pretty major event. Here’s how cricinfo reported it:

“One of the most significant moments of the Old Trafford Test will happen moments before the first ball is bowled. Darrell Hair will walk to one of the sets of stumps, either at the Stretford or Brian Statham End, and put the bails in place.”

As you can see, this is pretty sensational stuff.