Monday, March 31, 2008


Well, the inevitable happened. The lifeless pancake produced a predictably dull result. I blame the children.

After Virender Sehwagosaurus hit a surprisingly disappointing triple hundred, India collapsed to a mere six hundred and something. Then some Saffers scored some runs. But no one really cared at this point.

Not even Navjot Singh Sidhu.

This match was rather like a school Battle of the Bands. Only worse.

Now, take a batsman. There is probably a rough correlation between his success and his personal repulsiveness (statisticians, I’m looking for a little help here).

Like a lead singer, he probably has “charisma” and “a personality”, but take him away from the lime light and he just becomes your bog standard twat. Although, conversely, this actually increases his propensity for attracting the opposite sex.

But, for the purposes of this analogy I am willing to ignore women. They tend up to mess up most theories, I find.

Wicket keepers are your drummers: they are far too noisy and everyone wishes they’d just shut up. Look, if you really want to keep time, have a bloody triangle. But, they won’t listen – permanent damage to their ears (and brains).

Makhaya Ntini is the fat kid at the front of the audience. Occassionally, he would dance in time, but more often than not, he'd flail around just wide of the mark.

Medium pacers are your bass players. Sure, they’re good at putting the note in the right place, but no one really wants to talk to them.

Virender Sehwag is your lead guitarist who played that “amazing” solo that had all the kids talking for weeks. But the next day saw a series of bum notes, and so he smashed up his instrument and most of the bass player.

Spinners are your token trumpet players. Both trumpet players and spinners are cool. And sexy. But, strangely, this does not result in much interest from women. See what I mean? They bugger up the system.

Graeme Smith is the dad that volunteered to compere to tell them their time is up. They all hate Graeme Smith.

So, you see, if you think about this enough, you’ll see how this match was just like the battle of the bands.


Straight Point said...

on another note...

if a century or so is not given that much credit coz of flat track...

how would you rate failures even on these track...?

why we highlight bowlers feats on seaming and overcast conditions??

Miss Field said...

In my experience trumpet players are sexy (except that one, you know the one) and I once talked a 12 year old into selecting it for high school on that basis. And being able to play the Wallace and Gromit theme.

The Atheist said... have no idea how closely that chimes with my own school-hood experience.

*Is a bit creeped out*

Miss Field said...

You play(ed) the trumpet? You look like one. Er, not a trumpet. A player. A trumpet player!

The Atheist said...

I have been known to tottle out Wallace and Gromit a few times, yes...

Miss Field said...

Oh Gromit! I don't want to be a giant rabbit.

D Charlton said...

My girlfriend's exes were all drummers - every single one of them.

Luckily, she's given them all the triangle, as it were.

That sounded really wrong.

Miss Field said...

Uh, yeah, it did.

Funny though.

miriam said...

I like trumpet players, and spinners.

That is all.

The Atheist said...

Interesint point you make there, Miriam.

Are you saying, that you don't like any people other than spinners and trumpeters?

Rather limits your options.

What about bass playing fast bowlers?

miriam said...

Bass-playing fast bowlers? Interesting...

Only those with a thousand-yard stare.

I am very non-exclusive (as you have noted). I just thought I'd fly the flag for the spinners and trumpeters.

Jrod said...

Can any Trumpeteers bowl spin?

Post for another day...