Andrew Strauss: Worthy of equipment?

I have an idea. England’s batsmen should earn the right to wear protective equipment. If you have, say, averaged 40 plus in the last ten matches, you get to wear the whole works – pads, gloves, the lot.

However, if you are, say, Ian Bell, and have been getting runs, but not converting fifties into centuries, then you are prohibited from wearing a helmet. You’re doing ok, but if you don’t shape up, you risk the chance of concussion and series brain damage.

If you name is Andrew Strauss, then you are denied the use of a box.

That’s incentive enough for any man.

You may expect a slightly bitter tone here. You wouldn’t be far wrong. I have just fired up Test Match Special, and I join my team on eight runs for the loss of three wickets.

England have thrown away much chance of winning the series, because of some kid, who the Kiwis snuck out of school, demolished our upper order in under five minutes.

Only severe pain at the hands of our enemies can rectify this. Constant and significant physical discomfort is the only chance that our batters will learn that being a useless collection of over-paid scarecrows is not acceptable to The Atheist.

I demand that Peter Moores hides the squad’s protective equipment.