Does anyone remember what winning’s like?

Don’t answer that question if you are an Australian. You people can’t possible understand the meaning of “winning”. Not like us losers.

I think my last memory of success was beating that old women to the last seat on the train a few months ago. Since then, it has been a baron, numbing existence.

The nearest thing that England get to victory is a draw. The nation greeted England’s latest achievement of not making a total pig’s ear of it as a major cause for celebration. The BBC Radio 4 programmers have been on a marathon bender since Paul Collingwood blocked the last ball of the day. All of tomorrow’s broadcasts are cancelled. Well, not if you consider white noise and pained groaning you perfect idea of an Archer’s episode.

I think we pretty much have to accept this tour as a write-off. Let’s give it to the Lankans and concentrating on not cocking up against the Kiwis. That would be truly humiliating, and I would have to consider more seriously my allegiance to China.

Although, in fairness, it was rather like Sri Lanka resigned this test to a draw as well. “Look”, they collectively asked, “can anyone actually be bothered?” There could only be one answer to such a question. So, they proceeded to waste an entire day batting like a hermit crab with a broken stick, and failed to force the win.

England gratefully accepted this let off. And the fans dutifully turned off in droves. All excepting the barmy army. Who were pissed.

In other news, didn’t Chamara Silva bowl well? I liked the look of him. He’ll look like a useful, dare I say it, Jayasuriya-type figure for years to come. He’s also a spinner. Which automatically makes him cool.

And, for the first time in 33 years, England’s openers scored century partnerships in both innings. Openers are my favourite sort of batsman, and there is something mathematically pleasing when the first wicket partnership is a big one. It’s like a righted jumper.