England fall to pieces

The one-day trick still isn’t working for England. They have fielded more than forty players since 2005 (apparently) in their limited overs set-up, and decided to use some more in Phil Mustard and Graeme Swann. Neither proved particularly incompetent, nor were they match-winning.

Mustard was chosen out of necessity more than anything, and Swann was preferred over Monty Panesar because He Bats A Bit, and England can’t understand spinners that don’t bat. Lordy Lordy Lordy, I HATE YOU ENGLAND CRICKET TEAM.

Not really. It’s more that they really piss me off. It’s like the people who hand you out free papers in the morning, although you don’t mind taking tit-bits off them occasionally, you just want to batter them to death with their own product sometimes.

Anyway, lets cut to the pain. England lost again. They lost to a better team, that was better. Also, our team can’t cope with the warmth; England players just turn bright red in the heat and collectively transform into a drugged-out geriatric women.

In fairness, Mustard looked…the mustard. Ryan Hairybottom looked useless. Others failed as well, we all know who they are. Don’t we?

On the other hand, Sri Lanka looked excellent. Mahela Jayawardene struck an impressive 66 and Sanath Jayasuriya still keeps going. Where were they during the World Cup, though, eh? What’s the point of being good if no one can get any decent bet-money out of them?

All in all, Ayalac says: rubbish.

Herr Warne plans to take over England

Continuing our international theme here at Ayalac, we are going to talk about German leaders today. The German for leader is “fuehrer”.

A Herr Warne, captain of Hampshire is attempting to forcibly capture the England cricket team. Warne has stressed that he does not wish to be known as “Adolf”.

His strategy is to conquer the ECB by sending in waves of fifth columnists. That is, players (possibly dresses as nuns) entering the England team, with intentions to subvert from within.

The first of these penetrating nuns with cricket balls, was Chris Tremlett, introduced on Warne’s suggestion. Then it was a dubious looking Russian, Dimitri Mascarenhas. Both fresh from training camps in the Bad-Hamshireburg.

Now Herr Warne is calling for Phil Mustard to be brought into the England team. Apparently, he’s really good, and in a novel comparison, Warne believes that Mustard is a bit like Adam Gilchrist.

Gilchrist is a brilliant batsman, who has destroyed every attack in world cricket. Mustard is pictured above. Comparison between these two men is obvious enemy propaganda and we must ignore it.

We must stick to ill-performing wicket-keepers for at least two years of rank failure before we can consider dropping them. Then we have to bring them back for a bit, in an unexpected winter offensive. Only to be beaten back by under-whelming numbers.

Although, the Durham keepers promotion to the national set-up would give rise to a whole kaleidoscope of puns. Phil is the Mustard, you could say. Warne keen as Mustard. Or how about Sunderland cuts the Mustard.

The list is literally endless.

For headline-writing ease reasons, expect a journalist’s campaign to secure his rise.