First post on the upcoming ASDA Ashes

Would you believe, I have never written a post about the Ashes before? Or, as us mis-typers occasionally call them, the Arses.

Now that the rubbish is cleared out of the way, we can focus on the issues of genuine global importance.

After a rather vulgar tournament that shamelessly displayed skill, high drama and international enthusiasm, we can return to reality with an anachronistic context between some rubbish teams. A return to old days, where simple pleasures were to be found in honest forward defensives and half-hour ducks.

The battle between the fading giants of yore - admittedly, England have been fading since 1785 - will electrify a world that surely has not had enough of the continual gush of gushing, over-hyped mega-matches. “More meaningless minnow mega-matches” says the world.

But the Arses is not about ability, tradition or pride. No. It´s about the children - our children - who surely are our best hope for future non-Indian commercial opportunities. Cricket, after all, is about portfolio diversification.

One Indian spectator recently revealed to me in an exclusive interview:

“I don´t know why ya chattin´ to me, mate. I don´t speak a word of English, mate.”

A similar sentiment was spouted by the Australian Cricket Board. No one listens to the English Cricket Board, however.

Game on.