Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Michael Vaughan doesn’t talk nonsense

Sorry for my prolonged absence, I was seeing family in Northern Ireland. Apologies. Here's a picture to prove it.

But in my absence I see that not only my fans went mad, but Michael Vaughan appeared to lose all his faculties and talk sense. Disturbing news indeed.

Ryan Hairybottom has recently received an injury that will probably rule out his participation in the forthcoming test series. It is clear to most observers that he has been England’s leading bowler since his re-debut nine tests ago.

On this Vaughan said,

“Hopefully over the next few days he’ll heal fast.”
Although a few hacks were baffled by “he’ll heal”, it was generally agreed that this sentence held some semantic content and was intelligible to those without PhDs in linguistics. In this continuing epiphany of clarity, he then added,

“He’s been a really good bowler for us.”
The attending press were genuinely astonished at the lucidity of these words, and there was some debate at when an England captain was last so clear. Although, some of the sceptical journalists from Newcastle suspected that the final “us” was actually a “Michael Vaughan” in disguise.

You know, you get a new perspective of life and, more importantly, cricket after a weekend away in Ireland.

You struggle not to sound so English in pubs, struggle to contain you Londonish impatience at having to wait for your Guinness to settle, struggle to take the dog for a walk without repeated random acts of conversation with strangers happening against your will, and you struggle to repress you inner rage at the rustic driving of your fellow road users.

It is at these moments that you realise that you are not only totally incapable of enjoying yourself on holiday, but of the need to devote your generally rubbish existence to the all-encompassing import of cricket. Take the cricket press away from man and you leave a shrivelled and searching soul.

It’s good to be back.

If this hasn’t placated the more vociferously deranged members of the audience, I make the following announcement: AYALAC has a brand new regular reader, in the form of my new baby niece.
Here she is considering my views on Pakistan’s batting order, and by the looks of her seven-day old face, she approves. She’ll slot in nicely with the rest of the readership, who are, generally, lazy, indolent and in need of someone to tell them what to think.

Ah, there’s nothing like a bit of gratuitous cuteness and general abuse to win back your followers


Anonymous said...

You utter bastard..

We've been phoning the police, searching woodlands, and dragging rivers!!

Tell us you're going away next time, or we shall have to ground you.

We were worried sick!

I do hope I was included in the "vociferously deranged" group.

Miss Field said...

I would like to know what happens when a baby if held upside down. I have a theory that it wouldn't even notice. Alas, no parent will volunteer their child. Bastards.

Anonymous said...

Judging by that baby's hand, you have a left-arm spinner there.

Anonymous said...

They giggle uncotrollably most of the time, missy.

I spent a lot of time with The Gris, doing just that.

And Mims, there's definitely a space for another, what with Brad Hogg retiring.

Although, I want to see my favourite, Dave Mohammed back on the international scene!

Miss Field said...

You held your baby daughter upside down by her ankles? You're my hero!

The Gris?

Jrod said...

I can't wait till you animate her.

Anonymous said...

She loves it..

She still does.

Her name is Isabella, I used to call her Grisabella, when she screamed a lot.

Now it's "The Gris"

she's going to grow to hate me because of it, but that's what dad's are for!

Miss Field said...

That is awesome on so many levels.

The Atheist said...

I wish my daddy abused me.

Neglected childhood, I suppose.

Anonymous said...

The baby spinner-to-be already has more control over her tongue than Brad Hogg. Also, she is beautiful.