Hair cuts short

Daryl Hair has dropped his case against the ICC. In dramatic scenes at the Tribunal in London nothing happened today as the barristers decanted themselves to a local pub to count their fee.

One legal representative was quoted to have said:

“Bringing international cricket into chaos is the best way to bring home the bacon. And what bacon! Have you seen the size of my meat?”

Apparently, some evidence was given that proves Hair has been talking bollocks. It was shown that he was never offered money in return for silent compliance.

Nevertheless, the case has thrown open a can of worms at the ICC – this was possibly the reason why Hair took the action he did.

The trial has exposed the Council’s unprofessional practices present at all levels. With key meetings not being minuted in case they “end up in court” the case has revealed the ICC’s amateurish and poorly run infrastructure.

Poor communication is rife. And senior management conducts itself through gentlemanly agreements, ignoring the need for transparent and accountable procedures.

The only member of the executive board to have retained his reputation is Malcolm Speed (interestingly, the only such member to have any professional experience outside cricket). He claims that his actions were ham-strung by his poor relationship with the Indians, who would have refused to co-operate a priori to any of his supposedly reasonable requests.

It was precisely this reactionary, high-personalised set-up that got the ICC into this position, and resulted in Hair’s poor treatment. For that, we must applaud that otherwise twatish Hair.

Weirdly, he is now on a “rehabilitation programme”. Well, he has put on a lot of weight in the last thirty years. He must be an alcy.

Darrell Hair lives the dream

Let’s face it. We all want to sue the IC-bloody-C. For instance, yesterday, I bought a packet of biscuits. However, to my horror, I found that Malcolm Speed had interfered with my Ginger Nuts, and replaced the packet’s contents with sub-standard digestives.

When I spoke to my solicitor about this, he mentioned something about “evidence” to “prove” ICC’s outrageous assault upon my personage and biscuitage. Dumbfounded, I was left marooned to absorb another blow by cricket’s governing body.

Darrell Hair, on the other hand, thinks he has the proof and balls to succeed where I failed, by suing the ICC.

This popular and jovial umpire bases his argument on the proceedings of the 1814 Test Match, between England and Pakistan. Whereby, without at clear substantiation, he accused the Pakistan of tampering with the ball. In protest, Pakistan’s captain refused to take the field. Hair and Billy Doctrove took the decision to interpret the match as forfeit, awarding England default winners.

Subsequently, the ICC took umbrage at the umpire’s handling of the affair, and removed Hair from its elite panel of amazing umpires. Doctrove, however, remained. Hair now argues that he was removed on the basis of racial discrimination, what else could explain Doctrove’s continuation?

It is generally accepted that Hair doesn’t have a chance in hell. The ICC’s case rests on the principle that Hair was the “senior umpire”, whereas Doctrove was just beginning his test career, and thus responsibility cannot be evenly divided.

Yet, I can find no reference to the status of a “senior umpire” in the laws of cricket nor anywhere mentioned in the ICC’s literature. This principle, to me, makes no sense. For the same offence, you must treat the perpetrators equally.

Saying that, this uneven handling of the umpires does not equate discrimination. I’m not sure under which jurisdiction this case is being conducted, but in UK law you must prove a discriminatory intent to prove racial discrimination. This simply does not seem present, given the evidence.

Hair has long courted controversy, and this affair could have been the straw that broke the camel’s back for the ICC. Whereas it seemed sufficient to give Doctrove a good ticking off.

Undoubtedly, the issuing of legal proceedings and the employment of a silk will not be cheap for Hair. Nor will he win the case. But, I suspect, neither of these matter to Hair.

Ireland rhythmically jiggle Bangladesh

Alright, that headline didn’t work. But you can’t say I didn’t try.

Interesting things happened yesterday. One of which was Ireland beating Bangladesh. Now, whether this is intra-minnow warfare is up for debate, but it was an intriguing match nonetheless. The Irish gambled much by batting first on a bouncy, fast pitch. However, it was a worthwhile risk, as the Tigers pace attack lacked teeth and failed to take advantage of the conditions.

After the openers built a strong platform, a decent score of 200+ was always on the cards. The mature Irish batting strategy put a lot of pressure on the Bangladeshis – they needed to preserve wickets if they were to track down 243. Yet, the lively bowling of Boyd Rankin and David Langford-Smith proved too much for them, and from 48-3, it was difficult to see how the Irish could lose. And they didn't - which stymied by desire to see more of the Bangladesh Bop.

As Ireland have taken this opportunity to beat a second Full Member of the ICC ODI league, they now qualify for the Championship. They are now ranked number twelve in the world, after Kenya. Have a look here for the technicalities.

I’m not sure about this mechanism. Yes, well done for beating teams, but I’m not sure whether, after only 12 one-day internationals, Ireland have done enough. Think about other teams that have been slogging away for years and years. Thinks of the Hollands, the Canadas and the Scotlands. They have been playing at this level for a long time, and yet the Irish, after a few whiz-bang performances, have edged past them.

We all know that ODIs are, to a certain degree, lotteries. Any team in the world could beat Australia on their day, well, except for Twickenham second eleven. Ireland trumped a rather down-beat Pakistan, and, to be perfectly honest, Bangladesh is still a minnow and anyone’s game. Considering the ICC’s promotion regulations, you have to wonder how it has taken so long for a minnow to fluke its way through.

This new status will bring more money to Irish cricket, which is good, but the benefits to world cricket will only be seen in the very long term: they may possibly achieve test status in 50 years, but in the interim, more records will fall, standards will drop and international cricket will no longer have the pull as the “elite”, the cream of the sport. Who would want to watch a series of the Ozzies against the Irish, it would be almost as predictable as the Ashes.

Ah well, the ICC usually make the best decisions though. I stop stop worrying.

In other news, Prince William split-up with his girlfriend Kate Middleton and I am, quite frankly, gutted.

Why are all the sides I support rubbish?

Well, it looks like Brian Lara’s confidence was misplaced. Yesterday, the Windies failed in their objective of not looking like tits, and were battered by New Zealand.

The Predictoron, predictably, was wrong, And I feel more pain.

As an England fan, I have suffered greatly at the hands of my team. I have lived a vicarious life: I feel woe when they lose and disbelief when they win. It is an intimate, if disappointing relationship. I have invested so much into my support, but what do I get in return? More agony.

So, I thought it would be ok to have a little fling, a small, meaningless affair. A wee dabble on the side, whilst still committing, in the long term, to my true love. It turned out that the Windies was not a good choice in crumpet. I am being punished by GOD for my treachery. Or, more likely, the ICC.

The ICC and me, on the other hand, have had a more straightforward relationship. I hate them, and they hate me. This, too, has been one-sided - they being a hugely powerful supra-national quango and me being a pathetic imp. Worse still, they are winning. They have successfully eroded my quality of life time and time again. Observe: I do not like 20twenty; the ICC forces everyone to play it all the time. I like watching high-class cricket, the ICC grinds the players into the ground to make loads of money, compelling teams to rotate their players and field muppets. I like watching videos on You Tube; the ICC takes them away from me. It is obvious, I think you will all agree, the ICC is out to get me.

Perhaps I should channel all my feelings of disillusionment and frustration with my chosen teams into a campaign of hatred against the ICC. Yes. That would be the healthy way of dealing with this.

Bloody ICC. I’ll have my revenge! Heed these words!